Annihilate Your Approach Anxiety

Annihilating Your Approach Anxiety, and Becoming
Comfortable with Approaching People You’ve Never Met

Approach anxiety is a brick wall I hear about all the time that guys hit in game. It is not unnatural, it is completely normal, you are just passing through one of the stages that everyone who gets into game goes through. So let’s get to it.

Why do we get AA?

The # 1 reason we get approach anxiety is our ‘Fear of Rejection’. Our minds tell us not to approach people we don’t know as it is outside of our comfort zones. You have to realise that males are logical creatures (females are emotional), and that being the case, our mind will give us logical reasons not to approach to keep us safe, to keep us comfortable, and will put our comfort above our happiness.

Examples of these logical reasons not to approach are ‘she’s probably got a boyfriend’, ‘she looks like she’s in a hurry’, ‘she’s not attractive enough’ (If she is not attractive then fair enough lol, but even still, for 6’s and up practice makes perfect!). Any of these sound familiar? The list could go on forever.

Yes, if you don’t approach that girl you’ve been thinking about approaching, you’ll be safe from rejection, but you won’t necessarily be happy with yourself.

Annihilating Approach Anxiety

Something I learnt from Jeet Kune Do was a concept – ‘Don’t Think, Just Do’. In short, we were taught not to think, just do, when conditioning, or fine tuning a new move/combo. What this does is it doesn’t enable your mind to think of everything that you should be doing, it doesn’t let your mind over complicate things, you just do it. This is something I linked when I first heard of the 3 second rule. Three seconds is about the time it takes for our brains to receive a signal and respond. In other words the time it takes for us to see the girl, and begin coming up with the logical reasons to not approach. This is why, if you do get AA, you have to let your body do the deciding & approach within 3 seconds, otherwise your mind will take control and will do everything in its power to stop you doing so. This doesn’t mean you can’t approach after 3 seconds, it will just get more & more difficult because you will dwell on the fact that you know you should be approaching, but you aren’t. If you ever begin thinking too much, to the point you feel anxiety kicking in, just say out loud to yourself ‘Fuck It, what’s the worst that could happen’.

The next point I wanted to make, is don’t take it so seriously. You’re not putting this much effort into mastering this area of your life to make yourself crap your pants, you’re learning it so you can go out and enjoy yourself and meet many beautiful women along the way, as well as helping them enjoy themselves by meeting a great guy. A great concept to go out with is ‘Leave others better off than when you first met’. So if you feel yourself getting AA, take a step back, take a deep breath, and laugh. Realise you’re putting way too much thought into this and you’re not having fun! One suggestion is going to the same bar a lot and getting used to it there. It can help you relax, as you will become comfortable with your surroundings, you’ll begin to make friends who go there regularly, as well as making connections with the bartenders, doorman, DJ etc. I recommend getting familiar at a bar where you know lots of hot girls go. It’s money.

Improving your social interactions is a skill set. So you have to warm that skill set up. With that in mind, each day/night you go out, do some warm up sets. These don’t have to be full blown conversations, they can be openers as quick as ‘Hey what’s the time?’, ‘Hey do you know what time this place shuts?’, ‘Hey do you know what the nearest tube station is?’. All the warm up sets are designed to do is get you in the mood of approaching. Use this rule, ‘The first 3 sets don’t count’. Your first three sets are your warm up sets, so until you’ve opened three sets, don’t worry about what happens.

Something Braddock say’s that I thought was helpful with overcoming AA is to say in a little girls voice inside your head ‘Oh no I’m too scared to go up and talk to strangers I couldn’t do that’. It made me laugh because you realise how stupid it sounds. Remember you’re a man, what the fuck is scary about talking to someone you haven’t met? Grab your balls by the hand and go have fun like a man would.

What’s the Worst that Could Happen?

Actually stop, and ask yourself, ‘What’s the worst that could happen?’. A girl could tell you to fuck off? A girl could slap you? Her boyfriend could come over and kick your ass? Let me tell you that I’ve tried & also seen guys do some outrageous stuff while experimenting in field, but I’ve never been or seen a guy (knock on wood) get slapped by a girl, been confronted by an angry boyfriend, never had a drink thrown over me, sure I’ve been told to fuck off, but that’s the worst I think I’ve ever had. So you wanna know what that feels like? Go up to a group of hot girls and say ‘Hey can you tell me to fuck off’, they’ll most likely not say it to begin with, but get them to say it to you. There, you’ve just been blown out in the worst way possible. Not as bad as you thought huh.

Mr. M told me something that I haven’t forgotten, and that was –

‘You have to fail to succeed, so fail fast’

It is so true. The best of the best out there are the ones that have failed the most times, yet undoubtedly, also succeeded the most. I actually like sets that I get blown out from now, they are the ones you learn most from, and where would be the fun without the challenge?! You wouldn’t be attempting this if it wasn’t challenging, that’s why it’s so rewarding, because your efforts pay off. So don’t beat yourself up the next time you get blown out, just say to yourself ‘Lesson learnt’, & move onto your next set.

Do I Need to Become Confident to Approach?

Some people say you have to be ‘Confident’ to approach successfully. But what is confidence? Maxwell Maltz summed this up in personally the best way possible. He said -

‘Confidence is your capacity, to rise above a mistake’

To me, that is exactly what confidence is. And how do you rise above a mistake? You do that thing 1000 times. So I want to get better at football, how do I do it? Go and play football. I want to get better at running, how can I? Go and run. I want to get better at approaching, what do I do? GO AND APPROACH!

An awesome analogy from Mystery about confidence is, not becoming confident, but becoming competent. Becoming competent is basically doing something enough times so that you become accustom to doing it. He says to think of it like jumping into a freezing cold pool. The 1st time you jump in, it’s absolutely freezing cold and you want to get out as soon as possible. The 2nd and 3rd time it’s still cold, but it’s not as bad. Then the 4th, 5th, 6th times it becomes fun and you keep getting out and jumping back in. But then you dry off and go to bed. The next day, it’s back to square one, the first time jumping back in that freezing cold pool again is gonna be horrible. But it’s the only way you’re going to get used to it. So learn to love it.

For me it boils down to this, men do the approaching, women do the choosing. Men don’t choose if they’re going to have sex with the woman (even if that is what we portray) and women very rarely do the approaching, unless they’re drunk.

I guarantee, if you do this every day, even after a couple weeks, you won’t wake up thinking ‘I have to approach strangers today’, you’ll find yourself just doing it, and the habit will begin to grow, to the point where it becomes a part of you to start conversations with people you don’t know. Better yet, you’ll actually begin to enjoy it

Speak soon,

Update (19/07/09):

On the old thread (click here to view the old thread), there was an unanswered question from SirParkinglot and wanted to add to this thread to clear it up for anyone worried about others seeing you getting blown out.

Quote Originally Posted by SirParkinglot View Post
What's the worst that could happen? You could get rejected, making other women who see it instantly reject you via the opposite of pre-selection.

I believe this is the real reason we have the anxiety. One woman not wanting you is trivial. A whole room actively not wanting you is to be avoided.
Very good point, however it's how you react to the blowout that will decide what it looks like to the naked eye.

In a club or bar where people can't hear what you're saying, if the girl does blow you out, as long as she doesn't slap you or throw her drink over you, to the naked eye all it looks like is a guy speaking to a girl he knows, or even something as simple as a guy asking a girl for the time. In the day or a quiet place where people can hear what you're saying then yes it will look like a blowout, but unless you're trying to social proof the library lol, it doesn't matter, we all get blown out once in a while. You'd be surprised the respect you get even from getting blown out in the day or place where people can hear you & know you got blown out, it's what a successful guy who goes for what he wants would do & that's an attractive trait. So if you open where people can't hear what you're saying, she blows you out and you walk away as if it's cool, body language stays neutral, or even better you're smiling, people watching will assume it's cool too.

Where as if you get blown out and your body language changes and looks like someone who just got blown out, then people watching are going to assume you just got rejected. A lot of game is how you portray yourself to others. Mr. M and Braddock cover a lot of this in their Inner Game Seminar, it's to do with 'Mirror Neurones'. A quick analogy of mirror neurones is for instance, if you see a baby crying, you feel stress, if some one's giving you a dirty look, you give them a dirty look back, if some one's smiling, it makes you smile. So basically people feel what you're feeling, that's mirror neurones at work. This is why when you're in set, if you're comfortable and assume it's on, the girl will feel comfortable and assume it's on. Obviously they go into a hell of a lot deeper about this in the seminar, this is just a quick summary.

Going back to what I was saying, it works the same with a blowout, if you get blown out but turn away smiling as if you just had a good conversation, people will assume you just had a good conversation. Where as if you get blown out and your shoulders drop, your head drops, and you look like you just got rejected, people will assume you just got rejected.

To people watching, a blow out can be made to look like you're a social guy who speaks to a lot of people, or can be made to look like you're a guy that gets rejected a lot, it's how you act afterwards.

Hope this makes sense for people, but once Mr. M and Braddock taught me about mirror neurones in the Inner Game Seminar it cleared a lot up for me personally. Another big note that I took from it which is crucial in game, is you have to 'turn the video off', in other words - no one is watching your video except you. Stop thinking people are watching you, no one is. The only person thinking about it is you, and the more you think people are watching you, the more you'll get caught up in your head.

Hope this helps!