HELP! My LTR is High Maintenance - What to do? - Page 2

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  1. #11

    In a way, I can feel this girl's frustration. She wants to talk, you (in her mind) put in a half arsed effort then turn to the TV, which is what you'd much rather be doing than spending time with your girlfriend.

    I reach a limit, I put on the TV so as to quiet the chatter.
    So basically your girlfriend is so annoying you watch TV to drown her out? Are you sure this is a girl you want to be with long term?

    Whenever I seek to quiet her down she gets hurt and starts sulking, saying that "I make her feel unloved." "I make her feel like a nobody." Neither of these statements are true.
    You can't say what's true and what's untrue re: her feelings. You cannot deny how someone else feels - that;s how they feel and whether or not that's what you meant by your behaviour is not the point. You make her feel unloved - SHE said it, and she's the best judge of her own feelings.

    I'm not saying this behaviour isn't annoying, I'm just trying to present the flip-side here. You keep saying you adjust to make allowance for her wanting to talk, but it all comes down to "I am very linear. I like to focus on one thing at a time, finish that one task, then move on to another."

    It sounds as though neither of you are really willing to compromise. I know, I know, you're making an effort, but you're making the effort for half an hour, getting sick of it, reverting back to how you usually are, then feeling resentful towards her for making the effort at all.



  2. #12
    Spearman Guest

    Quote Originally Posted by sampanye View Post
    In a way, I can feel this girl's frustration. She wants to talk, you (in her mind) put in a half arsed effort then turn to the TV, which is what you'd much rather be doing than spending time with your girlfriend.

    So basically your girlfriend is so annoying you watch TV to drown her out? Are you sure this is a girl you want to be with long term?

    You can't say what's true and what's untrue re: her feelings. You cannot deny how someone else feels - that;s how they feel and whether or not that's what you meant by your behaviour is not the point. You make her feel unloved - SHE said it, and she's the best judge of her own feelings.

    I'm not saying this behaviour isn't annoying, I'm just trying to present the flip-side here. You keep saying you adjust to make allowance for her wanting to talk, but it all comes down to "I am very linear. I like to focus on one thing at a time, finish that one task, then move on to another."

    It sounds as though neither of you are really willing to compromise. I know, I know, you're making an effort, but you're making the effort for half an hour, getting sick of it, reverting back to how you usually are, then feeling resentful towards her for making the effort at all.
    You make some excellent points. I do have to see her side of things. And perhaps you are right - maybe this isnt the girl for me.

  3. #13
    Spearman Guest

    How TO Handle Woman Who Talk Too Much?

    Problem: My current LTR talks way too much. A solution would be: find another gf. However, most of the girls I have dated TALK WAY TOO MUCH. And mostly they talk about trivial bullshit that has no direct impact on my life or hers. Furthermore - when I am talking to her on the phone and I have to go to perform a time-sensitive task the following occurs:
    ME: Well, I would love to talk to you some more, but I have to go ...
    HER: Starts up a new subject
    ME: I really have to go ...
    HER: Blah, Blah, Blah
    ME: Gosh hunney, I hate to cut this convo off, but I told client I'd call him at 3:30 and it's 3:45 now
    HER: blah, blah, blah
    ME: Babe ... I really have to go now
    HER: OK, Bye ... plus one more thing ...

    So the bottom line is
    1. Women in general are talkers ... they enjoy talking more than men (Studies have shown that women do 70% of the talking, men 30%) .. therefore they have a NEED to talk.
    2. Man's basic desire when talking is to achieve dominance or to solve a problem. We are very task-oriented. Women talk to relate and also just for the hell of it (about mindless subjects).
    3. There are only two categories of tasks: things we enjoy and chores.
    4. When we are talking about non task-oriented subjects, we get bored and view it as a chore.
    5. The man must either change the womans need (behavoir change) or satisfy the need, reach a compromise or neglect the womans need.
    6. If we neglect the womans need, she will find a way to have her need met - she will create DRAMA will false problems like "you don't love me." Saying such things is the surest way to get a man's attention (and get him to talk to her).
    7. we could chose to satisfy the demand, and find a way that we can minimize the chore-like aspect of the task, making it fun or a game.
    8. We MUST never let the woman know that we are performing a chore.

    I have found that even I am conversing and trying to solve a task such as "Where are we going to eat dinner and at what time?" She will introduce unrelated subjects and stall decision making. A 5 minute discussion turns into a 30 minute discussion.

    I have given up. I have decided that it is a womans goal to talk as much as possible - my job is to satisfy that need.

    The unspoken option is to find a quiet woman. It is difficult to meet one who is quiet and attractive. So maybe women are general are wrong for me? Should I turn gay?

  4. #14

    Quote Originally Posted by Spearman View Post
    So maybe women are general are wrong for me? Should I turn gay?
    Wow, this thread just took an interesting turn! LOL.

  5. #15

    Quote Originally Posted by Spearman View Post
    Problem: My current LTR talks way too much. A solution would be: find another gf. However, most of the girls I have dated TALK WAY TOO MUCH. And mostly they talk about trivial bullshit that has no direct impact on my life or hers. Furthermore - when I am talking to her on the phone and I have to go to perform a time-sensitive task the following occurs:
    ME: Well, I would love to talk to you some more, but I have to go ...
    HER: Starts up a new subject
    ME: I really have to go ...
    HER: Blah, Blah, Blah
    ME: Gosh hunney, I hate to cut this convo off, but I told client I'd call him at 3:30 and it's 3:45 now
    HER: blah, blah, blah
    ME: Babe ... I really have to go now
    HER: OK, Bye ... plus one more thing ...

    So the bottom line is
    1. Women in general are talkers ... they enjoy talking more than men (Studies have shown that women do 70% of the talking, men 30%) .. therefore they have a NEED to talk.
    2. Man's basic desire when talking is to achieve dominance or to solve a problem. We are very task-oriented. Women talk to relate and also just for the hell of it (about mindless subjects).
    3. There are only two categories of tasks: things we enjoy and chores.
    4. When we are talking about non task-oriented subjects, we get bored and view it as a chore.
    5. The man must either change the womans need (behavoir change) or satisfy the need, reach a compromise or neglect the womans need.
    6. If we neglect the womans need, she will find a way to have her need met - she will create DRAMA will false problems like "you don't love me." Saying such things is the surest way to get a man's attention (and get him to talk to her).
    7. we could chose to satisfy the demand, and find a way that we can minimize the chore-like aspect of the task, making it fun or a game.
    8. We MUST never let the woman know that we are performing a chore.

    I have found that even I am conversing and trying to solve a task such as "Where are we going to eat dinner and at what time?" She will introduce unrelated subjects and stall decision making. A 5 minute discussion turns into a 30 minute discussion.

    I have given up. I have decided that it is a womans goal to talk as much as possible - my job is to satisfy that need.

    The unspoken option is to find a quiet woman. It is difficult to meet one who is quiet and attractive. So maybe women are general are wrong for me? Should I turn gay?
    You raise some very interesting points.

    My gf often wants to talk to me while I'm on the way to her house, which I find completely ridiculous, but somehow it makes sense to her. I'd rather just drive with the windows down, music up, enjoy that time for myself, and then talk when we get there.

    I don't get it.

  6. #16

    Quote Originally Posted by Phateless View Post
    You raise some very interesting points.

    My gf often wants to talk to me while I'm on the way to her house, which I find completely ridiculous, but somehow it makes sense to her. I'd rather just drive with the windows down, music up, enjoy that time for myself, and then talk when we get there.

    I don't get it.
    Girls like to talk. It's how we connect. I can't understand why you'd NOT want to talk while you're in the car with her. How's it going to be any different from talking to her when you're at her place? (But then, I'm a girl!)

    I think this is one of those fundamental areas of difference between girls and guys.

    OP, you sound extremely negative and judgmental about your girlfriend's need to talk. ("mindless subjects" "trivial bullshit") Yes, girls statistically talk more than men, but not every man is AS "focus driven" as you. This is certainly not meant as a personal attack, but I'm not sure I've ever met someone who thinks in such black and white terms as you do. Blame for the situation you find yourself in cannot be attributed entirely on your girlfriend (and the one before that, and the one before that).

    You're going to need to compromise at some point here. And I don't mean act as though you're willing to compromise then resent her for your attempts, I mean genuinely find some middle ground.

  7. #17

    I think maybe women in general are wrong for you and you should turn gay :-D

  8. #18

    Quote Originally Posted by sampanye View Post
    Girls like to talk. It's how we connect. I can't understand why you'd NOT want to talk while you're in the car with her. How's it going to be any different from talking to her when you're at her place? (But then, I'm a girl!)

    I think this is one of those fundamental areas of difference between girls and guys.

    OP, you sound extremely negative and judgmental about your girlfriend's need to talk. ("mindless subjects" "trivial bullshit") Yes, girls statistically talk more than men, but not every man is AS "focus driven" as you. This is certainly not meant as a personal attack, but I'm not sure I've ever met someone who thinks in such black and white terms as you do. Blame for the situation you find yourself in cannot be attributed entirely on your girlfriend (and the one before that, and the one before that).

    You're going to need to compromise at some point here. And I don't mean act as though you're willing to compromise then resent her for your attempts, I mean genuinely find some middle ground.
    I meant on the phone, after work, when we're on the way to meet up with each other.

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