Moving cities for LTR - dilemna

Results 1 to 18 of 18
  1. #1
    Join Date
    Mar 2008
    Gender:
    Posts
    6
    Mentioned
    0 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)

    Moving cities for LTR - dilemna

    hi,
    i'm in a one year LTR and was going to re-locate cities in order to not make it long distance. this means i need to leave friends, find a job, etc.
    the relationship is going great right now, but i managed to get access to her email account yesterday and could not help reading some emails from her past. i learned two things from reading convos which concern me:
    1) that she would hook up with guys right until the point we became officially together
    2) that she mentions in previous emails that i am not her type for sure and that it is a shame i am not more attractive

    should i concern myself with either of these? i feel it is wrong that i snooped her email, so i clearly can't talk to her (plus that would be AFC). i just thing it is a big move to change cities and maybe these are indications that i would be making a mistake.

    what do you guys think?



  2. #2
    Join Date
    Dec 2008
    Gender:
    Posts
    92
    Mentioned
    0 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)

    don't do it.

    trust me. unless you're moving to a BETTER job or this was a choice you would have made without her in the picture, do NOT do it.

    just. do. not. do. it.

  3. #3
    Join Date
    Dec 2008
    Gender:
    Posts
    92
    Mentioned
    0 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)

    reasons why:

    1) moving to a city where you have no social connections, no roots, no distractions, and no value FOR a girl hamstrings any ability you have to consistently demonstrate higher value.

    (it's not impossible, but it will take several months--maybe a year before you have all of those things in place)

    2) she will OWN you, de facto and approaching de jure. you will have unequivocally have shown her that she is the most important thing in your life.

    3) if the shit hits the fan, YOU will be the one walking on eggshells. you are at a disadvantage. she can break up with you at any time and you will be absolutely, heart-breakingly alone.

    4) a couple things trouble me beyond the move itself. first, you felt insecure enough to read her email. this is usually a BAD sign to begin with that only leads to worse. second, BOTH the things you found out through snooping, though not earth-shattering, have some weight to them.

    if you didn't know about her sexual history before you guys were together, that's understandable--but if it comes as a surprise or she's told you a different version of the story, that may be something to think about.

    from my experience, people rarely if ever "get over" their initial/main gripes about their LTRs. it does happen, but, usually, if the you start fighting and getting nasty, the fight always devolves to the same couple of issues. if she began the relationship thinking she wasn't that into you physically, you must have done some work attracting her through other means. the problem is what i mentioned above. if you move for her and give up your friends, your job, your home, and your direction in life for her, you run the risk of losing that attraction. those things you would be leaving for her are the things upon which a man builds a good size of what makes him attractive.


    think about it some more.

  4. #4
    Join Date
    Feb 2009
    Gender:
    Posts
    212
    Mentioned
    0 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)

    thetrianglekid hit the nail on the head. So I'm not going to repeat, but let me say this:

    Moving to her city, abandoning everything important to you would be the BIGGEST AFC move in the history of mankind.

    You're basically 1 step behind jumping off a cliff for her. I pray that you are not serious. I hope that this is a joke post.

    I'm sorry if this sounds harsh, but you REALLY should not do this, and I hope you will take what I have to say into consideration before you throw your entire life away.

  5. #5
    Join Date
    Mar 2008
    Gender:
    Posts
    6
    Mentioned
    0 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)

    thanks guys. good analysis on the issue.
    i know you're both right. i just felt that maybe my game is strong enough in any city. But that social network would be missing (at least initially) and that would definitely make me a chump dependent on her, while she would have an established social network already.

    Thanks for the save.

  6. #6
    Join Date
    Dec 2008
    Gender:
    Posts
    92
    Mentioned
    0 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)

    one of the basic ideas behind pick up is that you start to establish a respectable social circle that can give you social value.

    if done right, that social circle grows over time and provides you with a safety net that you can elevate higher and higher. having that safety net allows you to explore relationships with girls at relative ease, knowing that even if you "fall," you'll be all right.

    this naturally contributes to your inner game, your confidence, your outlook, your opportunities to DHV, etc, etc. regardless if you're in a LTR or not, it ONLY benefits your life. if you're in an LTR, it heightens and maintains attraction while giving you a cushion in case things go south. if you're not in an LTR, you're constantly in a position to close, to meet other girls, and to potentially enter one.

    moving to a brand new city takes ALL of this away. you remove your safety net. and give her your harness. she can unlatch you at any time and you will fall with sobering quickness.

    for several LONG months or maybe even a year or more, your social value will be 0. and the entire time, you are just wasting time.

    it doesn't matter if you think your game is "strong enough." the real question is IS IT WORTH IT? personally, unless i'm DONE picking up chicks and ready to commit to one girl, who has been thoroughly and satisfactorily vetted, who i simply don't think i can do better than, it wouldn't be worth it.

    EVEN THEN, when i've met my dream girl, when i'm ready to stop shunning one-itis, i doubt i would drop everything i've got going on for her. what will she think if there is nothing in your life with any permanence or weight? when you don't respect anything you've done up till now or might come to do?

    this is not one of those things you sort of try out and, if it doesn't work out, you move on. you are playing with HUGE opportunity costs not only in other girls, but in education (?), work, and all other meaningful life pursuits.

    she's not helen of troy.

    never make the girl your priority. you and your mission are your priority.

  7. #7
    Join Date
    Mar 2008
    Gender:
    Posts
    6
    Mentioned
    0 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)

    I am fully convinced that not moving cities is the right thing to do. My only issue is this now:
    We are semi-long distance (it's a five hour commute) right now in different cities. We see each other probably every second weekend. I do not currently have a job so I can work anywhere. if i stay in the city with my current social circle, the LTR remains long distance, which will eventual become too much of a strain (i think).
    So I almost see this choice of changing cities as deciding on whether I want to continue the relationship or not. I guess my other option is to convince her to change cities for me...

  8. #8
    Join Date
    Apr 2008
    Gender:
    Age
    34
    Posts
    1,113
    Mentioned
    0 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)

    I dont think you should do it. A year is not long enough to be certain about anyone. Moving cities like everyone else said is a huge deal and I dont really know why you're willing to drop it all for her so early in the relationship....and look at you, you're already doubtful... snooping emails... disappointed findings.. not good!

    Things you should ask yourself:
    1) Why is she so keen to change cities and leave YOU behind?
    2) If she already is in another city, why isnt she the one moving to your city so you're no long a LDR.
    3) What made you snoop through her email..obviously, theres lack of trust there.

  9. #9
    Join Date
    Feb 2009
    Gender:
    Posts
    212
    Mentioned
    0 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)

    If your relationship is too strained, then take the path of least resistance and get a new LTR. It would be very misguided of you to move.

  10. #10
    Join Date
    Dec 2005
    Gender:
    Location
    Surprise Buttsex
    Posts
    6,838
    Mentioned
    9 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)

    Three things:

    1. Getting access to her email is stupid and immoral. Never do that.
    2. If you see a future with this girl, you should move there. You won't learn any more about your compatibility as long as you're long distance. It is not AFC to move close to a girl you're dating a year.
    3. You should talk to her about moving closer before you commit to it. If she still thinks you're not her type or whatever, you'll get a lukewarm response.

  11. #11
    Join Date
    Aug 2007
    Gender:
    Posts
    148
    Mentioned
    0 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)

    And I would bring it up that seriously... like not in a way that would suggest you are ready to do it already. More in a "what if?" or "What if I found out a job out there" situation. See how she responds to that.

  12. #12
    Join Date
    Sep 2007
    Gender:
    Location
    Australia
    Age
    32
    Posts
    1,155
    Mentioned
    1 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)

    First off: reading someone's emails or texts is always a bad idea. ALWAYS. Just don't do it. Take this as a lesson. How she felt a year ago when you two were first seeing one another is not necessarily how she is going to feel now, so I wouldn't put too much weight on what you found out by your snooping.

    I also don't think moving to be with someone after a year is necessarily a bad idea. A year is a decent amount of time, and you can't keep it being long distance forever. I moved countries to be with my boyfriend after a year and I don't regret it. It's a risk, and it might not go well if you decide to do it, but that has to be a risk you're willing to take.

    What if you moved, then you two broke up? Would you still be glad you took the risk? How much time do you two spend together, say, do you visit every weekend? What's it like when you're together?

    Do you see a future with this girl? That's really what it all comes down to. If you see yourself with her for a long time, then at some point you two will have to move closer to one another. If you don't see a future with her, then stop dragging it on and find a girl closer to where you live.

  13. #13
    Join Date
    Oct 2007
    Gender:
    Age
    31
    Posts
    981
    Mentioned
    0 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)

    Here's my opinion on the subject.

    Moving to be with your gf isn't a bad idea, esp if you two have very long terms plan together. If you have BOTH manifested the will to get closer to one another, then why not?

    Sacrificing your career/friends/projects/family/dreams to move in with your gf is, imho, a no go.

    The only time I would recommend this is if it's be discussed thoroughly between the couple, and if you can find a good amount of reasons in why you would move to her city that don't concern her. Any reasons like, because I love her, because I want to be close to her, because I want to se her, are good, but cannot be the sole reasons.

    A girl is not worth putting your life on the line. Period. And if you put too much on the line between her hands, not only do you have a chance of crushing her under pressure and expectations, but if things come to an end, you will come crashing down faster.

    Before taking you decision I would:
    1. Consider my career options in the area
    2. Analyse the possible lifestyles in that city.
    3. Figure out how to keep in touch with your friends/family after you move (and if the way you will interact with them from then on suite you)
    4. List potential schools you can attend for continued education.
    5. Local gyms/sports centers you can attend, or any center where you can enjoy your hobbies.
    6. Contact people from this forums that live in the area to help expand your social circle in that city.
    7. If you breakup or end up in the doghouse, who will you talk to, where will you sleep, what will you do?

    Most important one:

    If you moved to that city, but didn't have a girlfriend, would you enjoy living your life there?



    Before you do anything though, take care of the trust issues.

  14. #14
    Join Date
    Mar 2008
    Gender:
    Posts
    6
    Mentioned
    0 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)

    Thanks for the new perspective. This is the first time I've posted and I can't say how nice it is to have this support.
    Speaking with her last night, I brought up my moving cities as a serious subject. It seems she understands how serious a move it is, and is even contemplating changing cities to be with me.
    My issue right now, though, which sharpshooter said I should take care of, is really trust. The fact that I can snoop on my g/f is killing me. I am completely aware that it is wrong, immoral, will drive me crazy, but seriously, I think it takes incredible will power to not be curious and check out what your g/f is saying about you to others, or who else she's chatting with. It's very strange, because I've actually never felt this insecure since before I learned some game, years ago, when I was a complete AFC.
    Objectively snooping, I don't think I have anything to worry about. But it's like my AFC me jumps back in and forms some scenarios of what might happen or will continue from the past.
    My current resolve is that I have told myself that no matter what, I will not try to access any of her stuff. AFC me would have struggled with wanting to tell her that I have access, but I know that's not a very wise choice as it really can only cause some real trust issues (which you guys might say already exist, but really what would doing this help?). Also, there is this messed up part of me that enjoys having the access at some future point so that I can investigate if a problem arose (sounds like insecurity, to me).
    Any idea advice on dealing with this? I'm stressin'.

  15. #15
    Join Date
    Oct 2007
    Gender:
    Age
    31
    Posts
    981
    Mentioned
    0 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)

    Quote Originally Posted by swift_foot View Post
    Thanks for the new perspective. This is the first time I've posted and I can't say how nice it is to have this support.
    Speaking with her last night, I brought up my moving cities as a serious subject. It seems she understands how serious a move it is, and is even contemplating changing cities to be with me.
    My issue right now, though, which sharpshooter said I should take care of, is really trust. The fact that I can snoop on my g/f is killing me. I am completely aware that it is wrong, immoral, will drive me crazy, but seriously, I think it takes incredible will power to not be curious and check out what your g/f is saying about you to others, or who else she's chatting with. It's very strange, because I've actually never felt this insecure since before I learned some game, years ago, when I was a complete AFC.
    Objectively snooping, I don't think I have anything to worry about. But it's like my AFC me jumps back in and forms some scenarios of what might happen or will continue from the past.
    My current resolve is that I have told myself that no matter what, I will not try to access any of her stuff. AFC me would have struggled with wanting to tell her that I have access, but I know that's not a very wise choice as it really can only cause some real trust issues (which you guys might say already exist, but really what would doing this help?). Also, there is this messed up part of me that enjoys having the access at some future point so that I can investigate if a problem arose (sounds like insecurity, to me).
    Any idea advice on dealing with this? I'm stressin'.
    Well, first you should probably realise that she needs to go through the same kind of thoughts. My exs, especially at the begining of my relationships, always thought and worried if I was seeing other women and all. It's even worst in a LDR i can give you that. And just as much as it is possible for her to cheat on you, you have the exact same oppertunity. So think about it this way, what you are going through, she is probably going through it right now.

    Ok, another thing. Snooping will get you paranoid. You might even come across emails/texts and all that crap that can make you sooooo fucking worried. And when it comes down to it, it was all about some random thing or a stupid joke. Therefor creating trouble in the couples trust over a dumb matter.

    What I would think about is this. So far, has she given you any reason to not trust her? And I mean a real reason not to. Not you assuming stuff because of her 'past' or with information gathered from snooping.

    Being in a relationship requires a significant amount of trust, and you need to give it to your partner. Just like they need to give it back. It's a risk you must be ready to take when you enter your relationship.

  16. #16
    Join Date
    Sep 2007
    Gender:
    Location
    Australia
    Age
    32
    Posts
    1,155
    Mentioned
    1 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)

    It's good you've been talking about this with her.

    Now, to the snooping...

    It's such a bad idea. I don't need to reinforce this above and beyond what others have said, but you really need to stop.

    Also, there is this messed up part of me that enjoys having the access at some future point so that I can investigate if a problem arose (sounds like insecurity, to me).
    Yes, there's the temptation. The curiosity. You need to remove this, make it more difficult to snoop. Don't keep her email password, you DO NOT NEED it in the future and if you keep it, it will sit there in your drawer like a ticking timebomb, playing on your mind and urging you to try it out. Get rid of it. If she knows you've snooped, tell her to change her password because you're determined not to do it again.

    I've never been one for snooping. I think it's a recipe for disaster and if I didn't trust my boyfriend, I wouldn't be with him in the first place. About a month ago he got a new phone and gave me his old one. He didn't realize, but it still had all his old text messages, missed and received calls, etc. I gave it straight back to him and told him to delete them. I don't care what he's writing to who... that's his business.

    Quote Originally Posted by swift_foot View Post
    I think it takes incredible will power to not be curious and check out what your g/f is saying about you to others, or who else she's chatting with.
    But does it matter? This suggests to me that you've got real control issues. You feel this need to know who else she's talking to and what she's saying.

    You don't need to control every aspect of her life, nor do you need to know about it. Even when you're in a serious relationship, you're still your own people. I think this is even more important when you're in a long distance relationship. You need to be confident and trusting because there's even more opportunities for your insecurities to play up.

    Take some responsibilities for your actions, man. You talk about snooping like you're an addict who needs a fix, who can't promise he'll never take another line or have another drink. Make a resolve to stop snooping and do it.

  17. #17
    Join Date
    Mar 2008
    Gender:
    Posts
    6
    Mentioned
    0 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)

    Thanks sampanye. I do realize how I did sound like a crack addict needing another fix. I've "stayed clean" now for 48 hours, and I'm already feeling better.
    One thing I've thought about is how my g/f would respond if she had access to my messages. I'm pretty sure she would have just the same amount of reason to feel insecure as I have with her messages. Messages from exes and what not could do her no good. Just a thought for anyone who has experienced this snooping issue.
    As for getting rid of her password - that is a toughy since it's pretty set in my memory. Do I remind her it's important to change passwords monthly or something? I think I am just going to go on my own willpower to discontinue this stupid habit.

  18. #18
    Join Date
    Jul 2006
    Gender:
    Age
    48
    Posts
    8,605
    Mentioned
    0 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)

    #1 - Is just a matter of you not being there.
    #2 - How long ago did she actually say that? I'm assuming things have changed.

    I've had my email hacked into and it sucks, but I've looked into my ex-wife's email (who used to look at my emails and was pissed about me talking to other girls..double standard though) and if I didn't, I'd still be married to her, unaware of what had happened. She wound up hacking into the email while I was legally separated,she thought my brother was sending me a lot of money and it turned into a huge blowout. That took a few hours of convincing her that wasn't the case.

    I understand why you did it - curiosity and insecurity (wanting to trust her), but you have to give people benefit of the doubt. It could be a friend of hers that she was appeasing and going along with, but not actually agreeing with. Plus a lot of women wind up with guys they're not attracted to right off the bat, so if this was early on you can't let everything that has happened since you did get together with her negate what she said in the beginning.

    If she finds out you did it, it'll blow her trust in you...she'll just get another email account, and make sure there's no way of you getting in. So if she really is up to no good (planning on wiping your account and taking off with someone she met online) and you have a valid reason to go in, then you can do the "break glass" thing.

    Relocate cities, but build new social circles during the times you're there, check out local activities online that interest you. When you move, you can't expect to spend all your free time with just her. And make sure you leave things open to come back (and have a rainy day fund just in case it doesn't pan out, about 2 grand, depending on how far you have to go.

    If I had a relationship in another city I would probably try to line something, up, but if it's a cool place, it's going to influence my decision to move more than her being there will.

    What did she say about staying with her for a few weeks?

    Quote Originally Posted by swift_foot View Post
    hi,
    i'm in a one year LTR and was going to re-locate cities in order to not make it long distance. this means i need to leave friends, find a job, etc.
    the relationship is going great right now, but i managed to get access to her email account yesterday and could not help reading some emails from her past. i learned two things from reading convos which concern me:
    1) that she would hook up with guys right until the point we became officially together
    2) that she mentions in previous emails that i am not her type for sure and that it is a shame i am not more attractive

    should i concern myself with either of these? i feel it is wrong that i snooped her email, so i clearly can't talk to her (plus that would be AFC). i just thing it is a big move to change cities and maybe these are indications that i would be making a mistake.

    what do you guys think?

Similar Threads

  1. Replies: 7
    Last Post: 04-17-2009, 11:31 AM
  2. Work Training = PUA Moving In on LTR
    By qwerty77 in forum Relationships
    Replies: 1
    Last Post: 08-31-2008, 10:47 AM
  3. Moving target moving both ways
    By salvino in forum Field Reports
    Replies: 0
    Last Post: 09-21-2007, 07:02 AM
  4. MM way of moving into a LTR with a non-party girl?
    By .Cadmus. in forum Relationships
    Replies: 11
    Last Post: 07-24-2006, 11:15 AM
  5. The Moral Dilemna that I encountered....
    By Jrock24 in forum Field Reports
    Replies: 13
    Last Post: 01-20-2006, 06:51 PM

Tags for this Thread

Bookmarks

Posting Permissions



Facebook  Twitter