Killing My Ego

Thread: Killing My Ego

Results 1 to 4 of 4
  1. #1
    Join Date
    Oct 2019
    Gender:
    Location
    Whittier, CA
    Posts
    7
    Mentioned
    0 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)

    Killing My Ego

    A couple of weeks ago, I went out for the first time in 8 years (LTR and a 4 month relationship) to game and I felt completely out of my element. I wasnít anxious when approaching; however, I was stuck in my head. I would break the 3 Second Rule by minutes before approaching, or I wouldnít know what opener to use (I should have thought of it before going out), and I would feel bad for going into sets with low energy. My friend did film me approach one of the sets that night, and after looking at it, my body language was pretty bad.

    I remember reading this quote ďIn the beginnerís mind there are many possibilities, but in the expertís there are few.Ē (Zen Mind, Beginnerís Mind), so I decided to check out my old journals and redo the exercises I had done when I first started. However, in the 8 year hiatus from game, I came across a lot of new knowledge that I can also apply and test out this time around.

    One of the philosophical ideologies that I came across recently, is our relationship with our Egos. In Michael Pollanís latest book (where he talks about psychedelics), he mentions how the Ego tends to create an ďIĒ for us, and how his relationship with his Ego, changed. I believe that when we get rejected, what ends up getting bruised and hurt is our Ego, which in the end is nothing more than a character that creates a projection (most often erroneously) of who we are. In neuroscience, they refer to it as self-referential processing. Our minds tend to receive information of what is happening at the moment, the past, or future, and is constantly attempting to interpret that into a sense of who we are. Another state our minds tend to go towards is social cognition, where we begin to think about other people and our relationship with them. We wonder what they think about us, what we think about them, we put people into categories, and sometimes compare ourselves to them (like, ďIs this person doing better than I am?Ē or ďDoes this person have more than I do?Ē).

    My goal is to kill my ego (or at least learn to know when to put it aside when itís not beneficial) through systematic desensitization (immersion therapy) and flooding (in vivo exposure therapy).

    Now, systematic desensitization is a form of behavior therapy used in clinical psychology to help overcome phobias and other anxiety disorders. The process is broken down into three steps (which Iíll use approach anxiety as an example). The first thing you do is break down your anxiety of approaching women. So you create a list of things to work your way up to finally approaching. Maybe the list is first saying ďhi,Ē then asking for the time, then complimenting women, and so on.

    The second step is learning coping mechanism to help you relax when you are exposing yourself to your fear or anxiety. Meditating, breathing exercises, cognitive reappraisal, are some examples. Finally, you expose yourself to the stimulus hierarchy. You go out and start exposing yourself and apply the relaxation mechanisms you learned. If you reach a point that you canít perform the exercise, then you go back and see if you can either break that down into baby steps, or learn a new coping mechanism that will help you relax.

    Flooding, or in vivo, is a lot harder to do, but one reaches the desired outcome much quicker. Here, you would put yourself in a situation where you will have to confront your anxiety or phobia. The idea is that the anxiety has a time limit, so eventually, you would end up calming down and realize how dumb the fear was.

    The great thing about systematic desensitization, is that it helps prevent you from burning yourself out. You are able to build the habit of consistently going out every night and day and essentially making this a part of you. With flooding, you definitely want to pace yourself.

    Another thing I am doing is changing the definition of what is an ďapproach.Ē Going out and thinking that you have to open a set with a direct or indirect opener and reaching the hook point, puts a lot of pressure. By breaking it down (first step of systematic desensitization), this becomes a lot easier. So donít put an outcome on it, and donít beat yourself up if things donít go as planned. Just go out with the frame of mind that youíre being a social and friendly person.

    So I have created an anxiety stimulus hierarchy in which I will also keep notes as to what goes through my head, how I feel physically and emotionally, and what I can do to improve my social skills.

    As for my relaxation techniques, Iíve been meditating (on and off) for the last 4 years. I do breathe focus meditation for 15 minutes a day. Which, I feel that it has taught me to not only be present minded, and the use of breathing exercises, but has made me a far more disciplined person (I highly recommend reading The Willpower Instinct).

    Iím currently typing up my experience with this for the last 11 days, and Iíll post it once Iím done



  2. #2
    Join Date
    Oct 2019
    Gender:
    Location
    Whittier, CA
    Posts
    7
    Mentioned
    0 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)

    First 12 Days:

    My work schedule kind of sucks, so I am working around it. I currently work Monday through Friday from 11 to 7:30 PM, and 7 to 4 PM on Saturday, which kind of kills my time spent on Friday nights. However, I can manage.

    On Friday (10/11), I started by going out to a high-energy bar by myself. The rules are to stand or sit in a high-energy venue for 45 minutes without a phone or a drink. The purpose of this type of in vivo exercise is to teach myself to not only go out by yourself (and not have the crutch of a wing) but to also get comfortable being awkward in a club or bar. I used to refer to this exercise as 45 Minutes of Hell because it was super difficult when I first did it in 2007. However, after 30 minutes or so, that anxiety would dissipate and I would feel completely relaxed (and exhausted).

    Oddly enough, I didnít feel as anxious as I thought I would (based on my past experience). I did feel a bit out of place (my energy level hasnít adapted yet to these venues), my mind started to think that people probably think Iím some weird creep, and I didnít know where to stare at (I would just stare from one group to the next). Throughout this whole time, my body wasnít tense, and my breathing and heart rate felt normal. 47 minutes into it, I did befriend a couple who ended up buying me drinks and Iím planning on having dinner with them later on.

    The following day (Saturday), I went out with a friend (not a PUA) and I approached 4 sets that night. The first girl was dancing with her friends and I knew that she was going to bump into me because of how close she was to the bar as I walked over to get a drink with my buddy. When she bumped into me, she turned around to apologize, but I just picked up my fist as if we were about to fight. She reciprocated the posture, I laughed and hugged her sideways and told her that Iím hiring her as my bodyguard. I number closed, continued with a bit more banter, and went back to find my friend. The other 3 sets I approached are nothing special to talk about (I have notes on what I need to work on).

    Then Monday through Friday, I went out every night and greeted people as they walked by. My goal was to greet 100 people for the week, attempt to remember each personís eye color (to work on eye contact), and as a bonus, see how many people reciprocate. I love this ďnewbie drillĒ because I also used to use it when I would go into a club to not only get into a social state, but to familiarize myself with the venue while I would walk around saying ďhiĒ to people, and adjust my energy level to the club.

    I ended up reaching my goal on Friday, so on Saturday, I started approaching people to ask them for the time (with the goal of asking 100 by the end of this week, which I have asked 50 people so far). After I asked 15 people for the time on Saturday, I went to another high-energy bar and again stood there for 45 minutes.

    This time, I felt uncomfortable for 15 minutes or so. They had a television where I was at and I constantly found myself checking that out. So to correct that I moved under the TV so I would be forced to stare at the crowd. I still feel a bit awkward, but at the same time, I find myself forgetting and not caring as well.

  3. #3
    Join Date
    Oct 2019
    Gender:
    Location
    Whittier, CA
    Posts
    7
    Mentioned
    0 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)

    Week 2

    This week, I was able to approach 100 people and ask for the time. About 4 people didnít answer my question, and two people gave me weird looks. However, most people were really friendly. I like this exercise because when I started, I did play out this negative scenario in my head where I feel that people will ask themselves, ďDonít you have a phone to check what time it is?Ē Also, I discovered that I think people will believe I have some hidden agenda with this question (especially women). I think women will think Iím going to attempt to hit on them after asking them for the time. However, after the first 2 days of doing this, those thoughts just vanished, and I stopped caring. I feel that this can also teach someone how something may feel strange and awkward at first, but then it becomes really easy after consistently going out and repeating the behavior.

    This is also a great way to get your mind and body used to approaching mixed sets, sets with women, women by themselves, and even just male sets. Itís a great way to learn to just be social and friendly with everyone. Also, you start learning to catch yourself when you start thinking of negative thoughts or excuses for why you shouldnít approach. At first, I would skip people with headphones on, or if there was an obstacle in the way. I would also skip people who were waiting next to me for the crosswalk to change green. I made a mental note of this, and the next day I focused on making sure I would approach these people as well.

    Iíve also been experimenting with Progressive Muscle Relaxation (PMR). I feel like itís a great tool to do when stressed or when you feel tense. Itís a pretty easy exercise to do and I would highly recommend it.

    This week, Iíll be going out and paying random strangers compliments. I can already feel this being a bit difficult because I will have to come up with something nice to say on the spot. I also want to pay closer attention to my voice. I always felt that itís gotten a bit nasally. I used to use Roger Loveís Vocal Power exercises; however, if you guys have any other advice, Iíd love to hear it.

  4. #4
    Join Date
    Oct 2019
    Gender:
    Location
    Whittier, CA
    Posts
    7
    Mentioned
    0 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)

    Week 3

    I went out this week with the goal to compliment 100 people but was only able to get 52. Itís actually pretty difficult because youíre put on the spot to quickly observe something you like and compliment them on it. However, I did feel that by the end of the week my observation skills have improved. Also, it helps to be in a positive state of mind. I had difficulty approaching people when I was in a negative state because I didnít get enough sleep.

    Most of the responses I got were a genuine polite ďthanks,Ē and a few women didnít respond or looked annoyed. A few, however, were really appreciative and talked to me for a bit. One girl showed me photos of her costume on her phone because I complimented the color of her nails (she had painted them to go with her costume), and a barista gave me a free White Chocolate Mocha because I liked her sweater.

    Something a came across while doing this was the role that empathy plays in social anxiety. I wasnít nervous while I complimented people, but I did find myself thinking about their comfort level. For example, youíre a woman walking down the street at night and some guy says ďI love your boots!Ē Or I always felt weird when I would walk behind a woman because she probably thinks sheís in danger.

    So I looked it up and there does seem to be a link between empathy and social anxiety (check out: https://drmikemd.com/social-anxiety-linked-to-empathy). This is something that one would need to learn to properly balance because empathy is still something that is highly necessary in social interactions.

Similar Threads

  1. Killing My Ego
    By say10 in forum Newbie Discussion Forum
    Replies: 0
    Last Post: 10-22-2019, 01:35 AM
  2. Killing My Inner Game
    By BigSeanSDB in forum The 18-21 Forum
    Replies: 0
    Last Post: 03-04-2009, 07:02 PM
  3. innocence killing me
    By crunk in forum General Discussion
    Replies: 1
    Last Post: 03-30-2007, 11:43 PM
  4. A3 Killing Is Me
    By SEl3CT0R in forum General Discussion
    Replies: 13
    Last Post: 09-13-2006, 08:59 PM

Bookmarks

Posting Permissions



Facebook  Twitter