This is complicated.

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  1. #1
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    This is complicated.

    Hi everyone, I'm new to this forum. This is my first post.

    TL;DR - Girl rejected me. I'm sad and don't know what to do. Please Help.

    I am writing today because I have many frustrations I cannot seem to fix. Despite going through 2 suicidal phases, and having over 10 close friends help me, I am still in "deep shit". A bit of background first. I am 17, living and studying at an International School in Hong Kong SAR. My family is rather ordinary. Most of my life has been involved with chasing girls. Since primary 1 I was already crushing on people here and there, because they looked cute or were hot.

    Come to secondary school, and my perspective has changed. I would no longer desperately "hunt" girls here and there, and rather I started thinking about the future, and what a "girlfriend" really meant to me. It was a developmental process, but I at least no longer took aesthetics or body shape as an incentive to chase girls. During the months of Late June to Early October, my first girlfriend came into my life. She was someone that I loved everything about. Her personality was amazing; she was able to socialize with everyone, and she had such a kind aura I fell for her after a while. We went on many dates, but broke up due to long distance difficulties, and she made the move on that. But that's not the point. I found out that, a girl with such a personality was really precious, and I really wanted to protect that and have that forever. After the break, I wasn't looking for anyone.

    That's not what happened, or else I wouldn't be here. During the last year (Year 12) of school, so around May-June 2018, my friends and I usually hang out in a quad in our school. That's where the Volleyball court is. One day, the ball came rolling over, and I hit it back. I started playing everyday, until I noticed this young girl looking at me. I thought it was nothing at first, so I didn't think of anything during then. When I broke up with my ex, I was really depressed, and went to find people to talk to. The girl on the volleyball court was one of the people I talked to, because I happened to have her number. That was when I really started paying attention to her, and I accidentally (regrettably), fell for her. It was really weird, knowing that she was 4 years younger than me. So I decided to see if she was interested in going out, so I made it look really casual, and we went to the movies, just the 2 of us. Her friends who came bailed, so that's why we were the only ones. Movie was great, and in the middle of it she was cold so I offered my button up shirt, even though it wasn't much, she still took it. The day went fine, and I sent her back home to make sure she was safe. I was sure she had some attraction towards me, because we made a lot of eye contact, and she was comfortable with touching me, and me touching her. (after she found out I was spazable, haha).

    I was really in Love, and I felt really guilty for moving on after a month. But I really fucking loved her, and I still do. It was so frustrating. So I decided to consult her friend, and ask her about her likings, etc. People on the volleyball court (her friends) knew me well, so everyone was cool with me, and didn't find me weird despite the 4 year gap (my friends were also on the court). I found out that she found me attractive, and constantly fanboys over me, because I was a model, and was decent (ig) at volleyball. I had a lot of hope when her friend told me that. So I decided to observe and wait for my chance to ask her out to be my girlfriend, or at the very least I wanted to see if she would be down for a date or a hangout, just the 2 of us again. But I was patient, and kept the texting going, and day by day we would talk more and more, while on the side I would keep asking her friend what to do, or what she doesnít like. I finally had the courage to make a move, and her friend agreed that doing a princess carry would be a cute idea, so I really busted my nuts and picked up some serious courage to do it, for around 5/7 seconds. She was really shy after, and I think she was even blushing because her face was really red. At this point I knew I wanted her. Not because she looked fine, but her personality, was even better than my exís. I loved everything about her (more on this later). We even gave each other nicknames, and she would make me promise her to sleep earlier at night, we would goodnight each other, and good morning each other, too. I felt really happy to have such a relationship with her, and for once I thought my life was going to be great, because I had her. Everything was going fine. Until the day, when I finally couldnít wait what was meant to be years, I told her how I felt about her. It was a really nervous experience, because I really didnít want to mess this up.

    I initially expected a rejection, or a simple ďno, sorryĒ. To my surprise, it was instead received with gratitude. But I didnít get a yes or no. I found out later, that she thinks it was too young for her to be dating anyone. So, I really emphasized how I didnít want her to be with anyone else, and she really meant the whole world to me. She told me she wasnít looking to date anyone in school, not before graduation. As time passed, she found out about other things about me, my personal details, as well as fears, likes, future ideals, favorite things, pet peeves, how I would be shy when she asked me about things (and she found it cute), or how I would be jealous when she mentioned other boys she would see.

    I thought I had at least some chance in dating her in the future, if I could perhaps wait 4 years for her graduation. This idea was completely crushed when I really pressed it and got a no for an answer. At times we would text for hours, and I would call her on phone for long hours too. We would talk about all kinds of things, from daily life things, to future things, and during a period of time she would keep asking me questions about my future and my thoughts about certain things, to which I thought were signs of interest and thoughts of us getting together in the future. I would also playfully tell her Iíd bring her to Hawaii and Switzerland (places she would love to go to), and we would be very sweet sometimes. Sometimes after school, we would have a bit of awkward silence, where usually I would be the one to strike up a conversation to get something going until she slept. It was really worth it though, spending time with her and getting closer was making me really happy, and really special, because her friend also told me that she doesnít usually text boys let alone call them for hours. After I got rejected (she told me she didnít like me the same way, but she likes me as a friend), I was devastated. All the hints and signs I was picking up, the nicknames, the call privileges, sending pictures of our lives, everything we would do, was apparently because she thought of me as a brother. It was heartbreaking, and I didnít accept it at first. I threatened to kill myself during the first rejection and went through a period of depression. She would complain to her friends how I would always mention suicide if I couldnít have her. It wasnít really meant to be taken as blackmail, but that was what I truly felt about her. However, I didnít have enough courage to kill myself after that because I still wanted to see her. After a while, we didnít talk much. There was a period of silence from either of us, and responses were bare and monochromatic. I felt like it was going to end here, and I asked her one last time, expressing my feelings. I got rejected.

    It was heartbreaking. I cried over her.

    I decided to write a letter on pen and paper to express my undying love for her, and how I wouldnít give up. She wouldnít believe me that a person could wait 4 years for another person, just to have some chance at dating. She explained that she didnít want me to wait 4 years for something that isnít even guaranteed. I agree that waiting is absurd, but she really is special, and I was ready to give it my all and be a loyal person until she was ready, because she said it wasnít my fault, it was the timing. A few days after the letter, I got a text from her saying thank you. I havenít mentioned this, but since my last breakup, I told her everything about my ex, including how I blocked her out of WhatsApp because she was trying to make me jealous with her new boyfriend. After she heard this, she would remind me countless times that if anything happened, I couldnít block her, and I couldnít not talk to her, because she ďcaredĒ. She wanted to be friends after the breakup. I questioned this. Why would someone want to be friends with the person who rejected them? It was another phase of deep depression. I wanted to genuinely kill myself. I was taking Xanax with high dosages, and even streamed myself on the roof of my apartment, ready to end it all. Her friends, who cared about me, came to stop me over text.

    I understood the consequences of ending my life, and I understood how it affected her, as she would live with the guilt of killing me (to some extent), and not be happy. But I felt really selfish because I couldnít have her in my life, and I genuinely wanted no one expect for her (and I am dead fucking serious about this donít give me some advice on how to reclaim my taste for girls and go for other people) because I had many fucking options before this but I was dead into her and not letting go. During the night of my suicide, she came to talk to me after finding out from her friends, and I was toxic. I felt really bad for pushing her and her friends away, during that night, so I apologized.

    When I calmed down, I couldnít talk to her when I called her. It was a really distant, strange feeling and it didnít feel the same anymore. I couldnít open my mouth at all. I explained over text that it was the connection, but it really wasnít. I didnít know what to say. She felt so strange to me. She asked me why I even chose her in the first place.

    Hereís why.

    I loved her for who she was. She was special to me. This is the most clichť thing ever, but for once I really thought I found what was ďtrue loveĒ to me. I loved everything about her, from the way she talked to me, to her habits, how she would fix her hair, or the way she glanced back at me in corridors. I would catch her looking at me, and after she finished gazing at me, I would also stare back. I loved the way she would tell me to stop taking cold showers because I would catch a cold or tell me not to eat so much junk food. I loved the way she cared about people, and how she was there when I needed her. I loved everything imperfect about her, from the way the speaks Cantonese, to the way she would be clumsy at times. I really adored her for the way she thought about the future, and how she had ambitions, and will to be successful and happy in life. The way she respected people, and cared for her family, I really, really, really wanted to have that in my life, so I could spend the rest of my life with her. She was my everything, and she meant something that no other person could ever, ever even hope to replace in this lifetime. She was a miracle that happened in my life. So precious, like a star. I didnít want to let go. Not after everything weíve been through, the good the bad, the memories. I couldnít move on. I didnít want to forget her, her voice, her face, and everything about her.

    Itís now December, 1 week after we started talking, itís finally coming back to me. The thought of the future, and the hints sheís dropping, or are they hints? Iíve read so many forums, and pages. Sheís trying to make me jealous? Or is she really not interested? Then what does it mean if sheís trying to be playful with jealously, because she knows I get jealous easily, or knows Iím shy? Is she stringing me along because I have these deep feelings for her, or does she have intentions? Is it even possible to have her in the future? So many questions, yet no answers. Weíve gone back to our routine. Name calling, long calls. The ďfuture talkĒ stopped. No more question about my life. I assume itís because Iím needy or she knows a lot about me already. But since weíre friends now, and I still have these feelings after 3 months, I really donít know what I should do. Sheís rejected me twice and Iíve nearly heard over 100+ opinions and advice on moving on, and forgetting her, and how these could be the solution to this.

    Now in calls, she would talk about my friend who she doesnít know about, and already made a nickname for him. She would talk about guys on the subway, and she would always get a jealous reaction from me. She knows I would get jealous, yet she still does this. Am I overthinking or is this hidden action I donít understand about girls? I really donít know. She randomly asked me about my Chinese name out of the blue. I told her of course, on the condition she told me hers. We exchanged (after I convinced her, because she said she didnít agree even though she did :/). We even exchanged catholic names. Recently she told me that her that her relatives would have this really embarrassing name for her, but she wouldnít want to tell me, only gave me a hint about the last letter. I told her my nickname would relatives anyways, because I trusted her and I wanted to be as honest as I can, and tell her everything about myself. So now, Iím really questioning her. Why is she still being so familial, so sweet with me, telling me things about herself, asking me things, calling me for long hours? Is she interested? But she canít be, she likes me as a friend, and she rejected me twice. So, what is really going on? Are all those things she tells me things she tells other boys? Is it the same for everyone? Am I special?

    Iím lost. Please help me. My feelings remained unchanged, if not stronger and more resilient. But I donít know if Iím making the right move anymore. I love her.



  2. #2
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    TL;DR - Girl rejected me. I'm sad and don't know what to do. I still have the strongest feelings for her, and shes too precious to lose. Please Help.

  3. #3
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