Need help -- completely stuck

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  1. #1
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    Need help -- completely stuck

    So maybe I need a mentor or coach

    I've reached the point where nothing works anymore, women avoid me, and even worse, I have personally lost interest in pursuing. What the hell do I do?

    No more workshops or conferences, they don't help. I think they did in the beginning, I certainly improved my game with women (though it never got 'great', I just went from bad to slightly-above-average, when I was at my best)

    I'm at my wits end now. What do I do?

    Just broke up with girlfriend, we were in a poly open relationship, and it was fun hooking up with women with her, but I was mostly doing it to impress her. My mediocre skills looked much better than they were because i was more motivated, I guess. As a single man, I don't have much motivation. And my skills are rusty. Plus I have some fundamental lack-of-understanding on certain concepts that I was never able to fully grasp: like I've heard from a hundred different people 'you're too in your head' and 'you're not grounded'. What the hell does grounded mean? Why would it be a problem? Why do people care if I'm grounded or not when I'm hanging out with them?

    Thoughts and advice are okay, but what I really need is a recommendation of someone to call to work this stuff out one-on-one.



  2. #2
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    What are your life goals (in regards to women)? Start from there.

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    My life goals, in regards to women, are:

    1. Attract and keep an amazing woman in my life as my primary partner. Someone who matches me really well, where we support one another and help each other grow. We don't trigger each other's bad qualities (at least not that often, anyway--gotta be realistic about human interaction after all). Note that I've never had trouble keeping a woman, but I do struggle to attract them initially.

    2. Become a more attractive man in general, so that
    a) I can have more options and connect more easily with women
    b) have fun with it (attraction is just WORK most of the time, not fun)
    c) my girlfriend and I can attract another partner for a triad poly relationship. This one isn't a requirement, though.
    d) understand what I'm doing right & wrong. awareness around my interactions and how they come across. I'm pissing a lot of people off apparently (just in general interactions), not even knowing that I am or why they're pissed. And when it comes to women specifically, sometimes they think I'm a complete jerk and i have no idea why because I thought I was being fun, interesting, and supportive.

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    Ok so you want a serious long-term relationship. A fine goal.

    Are you sure about wanting a poly relationship? You said the last one was just to impress your girlfriend. Your criteria says it is optional.

    My hunch is you pursue poly relationships because some guys in your life have told you they are objectively better than monogamous, or that monogamy is what weak inferior guys settle for.

    How do you feel if you drop the noise and DGAF what anyone else says about poly relationships? Do you truly have a deep desire to try to form an emotional connection with multiple women, and for them form emotional + sexual connections to each other?

  5. #5
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    The reason I'm asking these questions is because there's always someone willing to sell you what you're asking for, even if it's not what you really want.

    Presuming you read "The Game," the author describes being in a situation similar to yours: he gets skilled at finding casual sex, and then for no good reason, decides he has to start having a bunch of 3somes. Why? because it's the next challenge, or because regular casual sex has lost its thrill, or because he's trying to impress his buddies, or all of the above. Yet it doesn't actually bring him happiness.

    Personally: I am very disinterested in poly relationships... not because of moral objections, but simply because I'm a lazy/busy guy who doesn't have the energy to fulfill multiple romantic partners, and I don't need multiple people devoting their energy into me.

    Nonetheless: If you ARE someone who feels a poly relationship will give you significant fulfillment, then GO FOR IT! However, identifying this as a need will probably make your coaching path significantly different.

  6. #6
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    Well, it's similar for me. I'm too busy and a little too lazy for a poly relationship. I do have a genuine interest in having one, as I believe that loving more than one is healthy and good and helps keep everyone involved a little more 'in-balance' and on their better behaviour But I see it as kind of unrealistic due to scheduling concerns. But I'm sorry I even mentioned the poly thing in this post, because I feel it's sidetracking the discussion from the main point of the post: what the hell do I do to make myself more attractive (at this phase in my life and skill level) and how do I spark interest in chasing women again, inside me?

  7. #7
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    I think your attitude towards poly relationships is very relevant, because it mirrors the attitude you express towards chasing women in general. i.e., you like it as an abstract idea, but you don't have an actual visceral desire to make it reality.

    That's why, as I play amateur psychologist, I wonder if you're disinterested in chasing women because your logical goals (a serious relationship and/or a poly relationship) don't match your real desires.

    but I was mostly doing it to impress her.
    I believe that loving more than one is healthy and good and helps keep everyone involved a little more 'in-balance' and on their better behaviour
    These do not seem like the thoughts of a man who's truly enthused to be in a poly relationship.
    They sound like the thoughts of a man who pursued a path without really understanding his own motivations, and hasn't really nailed it yet.

    There are a lot more efficient ways to obtain mental health, balance, and good behaviour than trying to enforce it with polygamy.

    BTW, i'm totally not trying to convince you of what you do or don't want, or should or shouldn't want. I'm just telling you what I am seeing in your writing.

    how do I spark interest in chasing women again, inside me?
    1st idea: You are avoiding chasing women because you think will lead to something which you don't really desire. (this is why i said you must identify your real goals)

    2nd idea: Success & Failure are emotional feedback loops. If you have a failure, your body tries to make you stop. If you have a success, your body tries to make you do it again. You may be caught in a very deep failure loop.


    what the hell do I do to make myself more attractive (at this phase in my life and skill level)
    Practice is the #1 requirement. Nothing can ever fully replace this. Consistency (regularity) is the most important aspect of practice, above all else.

    Feedback from honest friends (both male and female). If they care about you they will tell you what you're missing.

    Introspection. You have to grow self-awareness to turn practice + feedback into useful improvements.

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    If you want to go out some night for me to offer some evaluation, I'd be interested.

    I am not a coach and I am not a mentor. But I do enjoy socializing and helping decent guys become more successful with women.

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    Yes, I'd love to go out sometime and chat. I'll PM you.

  10. #10
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    >> 1st idea: You are avoiding chasing women because you think will lead to something which you don't really desire. (this is why i said you must identify your real goals)

    Yeah relationships are a pain-in-the-neck and thus when you succeed in getting one, it can still be 'not that great' cause now you have someone in your life constantly giving you grief for ordinary daily life things (the diet you eat isn't organic enough, the water you drink isn't filtered enough, your way of interacting is wrong, the energy you bring to the room is too dominant or perhaps the opposite: too withdrawn/not present)


    >>2nd idea: Success & Failure are emotional feedback loops. If you have a failure, your body tries to make you stop. If you have a success, your body tries to make you do it again. You may be caught in a very deep failure loop.

    Interesting, never thought about a "failure loop", especially a very deep one. Do you have more information on this concept?

  11. #11
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    When you fail at something you feel bad.

    That bad feeling makes you put in less effort next time you try.

    The less effort causes you to fail again.

    That failure makes you feel even worse.

    etc.

    Eventually you're convinced you're doomed.

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