How To Ask Her Out

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  1. #1
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    How To Ask Her Out

    I recently just returned from a 21 Day Trek In Nepal. There were 3 in our group, one guy 41, one girl 33 and myself 38. Half way though the guy got sick and had to get evacuated, so it was just the two of us with a guide for the rest of the trip. We got to know each other well, but nothing happened. I think i got friend zoned. She picked up a 60 year old on the way, which kind of turned me off, but that was after we got back from the Trek. We slept in the same room quite a few times and even once in a tent. I never made a move cause i,m an idiot. She clearly liked me, but in what capacity i don,t know. She would flirt with me now and then but she is the kind of girl that is very flirty with all men, so i couldn't really read her. I,m back home now and we have messaged each other several times, mainly about swapping photos. Its been 3 weeks now and i need to tell this girl that i want to see her again, but don,t know how to go about it. Its going to be through text, but what do i say?

    I know, pathetic..



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    I think i got friend zoned.
    Probably.

    So what's your plan here... you'll "ask her out" over texts and then what... you fly out to wherever she is and take her for a romantic dinner or something?

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    We talked a lot about doing other Treks or Climbs, so the plan is to tell her that i am planning on doing a lot of adventure travel within the next year or so (which is true) and that i would love her to come on another trip with me.

    I legitimately enjoyed her company and had a great time.

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    Quote Originally Posted by taboo79 View Post
    Its going to be through text, but what do i say?
    easy:

    i am planning on doing a lot of adventure travel within the next year or so. [..] I would love for [you] to come on another trip with me.

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    Just tell her that you're interested. Don't tell her that you want to fuck her, but be very clear that it's not a platonic offer. If you talk about traveling together again, she'll expect a repeat of the last trip and she'll end up hooking up with another guy again. Tell her what you really want and you'll know one way or the other very soon.


    Silver

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    Silver I agree with you. However the tough part is when they were in person, the OP was friendzoning himself.

    A blogger made an observation which I tend to agree with: If a woman is thinking about how she feels about a guy, she will often work backwards:

    "I slept with him quickly... that must mean I am really attracted to him!"
    "I didn't sleep with him after weeks together... that must mean I am not attracted to him."

    So if he insists making romance a condition of their next trip together, it will force her to decide at that point whether he leaves the friendzone or gets locked in there for eternity. And there's nothing in this story to make me think that his texting game is so strong that she'll pick the romance option.

    Personally I think planning a trip around a woman you hardly know is a bad idea, but if he wants to go that route, i think he'll have his best chance if he leaves the texts ambiguous and escalates in person.

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    Ok, so i took the plunge and messaged her this:

    "Good morning Mellissa."

    " I am going to be doing a lot of adventure travel within the next year or so.. and would love to do another trip with you."

    Its been almost one day and i haven't had a reply yet..

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    Bit late now but you should have included a call to action . "I have been looking at visiting Legoland or SeaWorld next. What do you think about going to one of those?"

    Ideally you would have already been talking about this subject so you could have opened with "We should do that awedome trip to Transylvania together. When are you planning to do your next vacation? Let's coordinate"

    Anyways, good luck. If she shuts you down then you know there is not any interest

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    If no reply, should i throw her a second text? Something like..

    "I'm a big boy, I don't mind if you shut me down, but say something.."

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    Sure why not, if it will give you closure. Personally I'd be not as aggressive. (e.g., "Are you interested? No pressure, just let me know.") but you gotta do what makes you comfortable.

    Ultimately you'll find romantic success when you don't worry about the results of a single interaction, or a single woman, but instead focus on being the best you you can be.

    Fretting about crafting the perfect text just pulls you away from being authentic. As long as you're polite, simply saying what you're thinking is usually a good baseline.

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    Quote Originally Posted by gq1 View Post
    Fretting about crafting the perfect text just pulls you away from being authentic. As long as you're polite, simply saying what you're thinking is usually a good baseline.
    This.


    Silver

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    Ok, so she did reply. Here is what has happened since.

    Her: Morning!! Sorry for the tardy reply.. I'm ALWAYS up for an adventure still working out my year but keep me in the loop... My friend was talking about this trip he did which was amazing... ( Then she sends me link to the Trips website)

    Me: K2 BC looks special. I,m keen. I,m planning on doing the Inca Trail and Torres Del Paine in March/April, throwing in some Canyoning. Possibly the Lost City in Colombia also. When would you look at doing K2?

    Her:Not sure yet gotta plan this year a bit better its a bit all over the shop-I,ll get back to you but if i go it,ll likely be oct/nov. Tores del paine is on the bucket list but not this year already booked up till after April.

    Me:Ok. If your plans change, we are more than happy for you to join us in South America. Hit me up when you get your year mapped out, and we can organise something Magnifique. Africa interests me also.. Happy New Year Melissa!


    Thoughts?

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    You didn't say anything about fucking her. You just made yourself a travel partner.


    Silver

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    I chose the ambiguous route Silver.

    Any other opinions?

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    Quote Originally Posted by taboo79 View Post
    I chose the ambiguous route Silver.
    Don't fool yourself.

    You took the "I'm afraid of rejection route"

    If you really want to travel with this lady, then either make it happen or make her say no. "Hit me up when you get your year mapped out" just screams polite indifference. If she ever had interest in you, you're suffocating it.

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    Guys,

    She said twice, quite clearly that she would "let me know' once she has sorted her year out. That screams out to me to stop pushing. I, ve shown interest in her trip idea without sounding too needy, and have shown her that i have other things happenning (that i invited her to).

    Isnt this "playing the game"??

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    Quote Originally Posted by taboo79 View Post
    . I, ve shown interest in her trip idea without sounding too needy, and have shown her that i have other things happenning (that i invited her to).

    Isnt this "playing the game"??
    I think your self-consciousness about "playing the game" is holding you back from simply being real.

    The solution to "sounding needy" isn't to self-censor. It's to change your attitude & your life so you're no longer needy.

    If you felt like you & this girl had a connection over a multi-week trek, then embrace it! Tell her "dammit you're busy til april? That sucks, I'm ready to on the next trip with you right now! But the next best thing we can do is plan our trip for May, right??"

    You're afraid of the answer so you won't ask the question. But what you have to realize is: this girl has already decided whether she will have sex with you or not. The letter is waiting in your mailbox. Now you have to walk outside and open it.

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    Yeah,

    I can see what you are saying.

    Thanks to all that have given me advice on this subject. I will try to put this advice into practice and let you guys know how it turns out.

    Great Forum!

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    Ok,

    So after not hearing from her for a couple of months, she sends me a message out of the blue and asks me how I am, and how my year has been. I keep it short and sweet and say that i have booked another holiday in April to______, then ask her if she went on her ski trip to Japan. She says she cancelled her trip and that if i was going to ______ next summer, that she would be in for sure. She then ends the message with "I miss you". I replied with a positive vibe, and ended with a "So what do you miss about me"?

    She didnt reply. The next mesaage i sent her was a couple of months later from my holiday in _______. She replied with a "I wish i was there, thanks for the text".

    I messaged her again when i got back, and said that i was home, and was planning to do another trip in a couple of months, and asked her if she would like to join me. She said she was keen, so i proceeded to look into further and got back to her with some details. Now she says she is struggling for cash, and that she might need to change her plans, and that she would let me know when she has deicided. She ends by saying "so i,m hoping for a cheapish adventure?

    Whats my next move?

    I,m more confused than ever. I feel that i am making all the effort, and that she shows some interest. I just cant get her to commit to anything.

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    Thanks for the follow up. Here's my questions:

    1. Since January, have you been picking up and having sex with other women?
    2. If not, why?
    3. Do you still have "oneitis" for TravelGirl? (Or is she now in the "Worth pursuing, but also other fish in the sea" bucket?)

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    Hi gq1,

    1.Since January, have you been picking up and having sex with other women?
    Only 1.

    If not, why?
    I,m fairly reclusive. Apart from work and sport, i dont go out much. At the moment i just want sex, but i find it hard to approach a woman with this in mind, as i always think that they are looking for a relationship.

    Do you still have "oneitis" for TravelGirl? (Or is she now in the "Worth pursuing, but also other fish in the sea" bucket?)
    I dont have oneits. I think she would be a great travel companion and would be very interested as to how things would play out if we saw each other again. I would say she is worth persuing, but i,m not ready for a relationship.

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    Hi Taboo, I wrote a lengthy reply and then the site told me "your post must be approved by a moderater"

    Long story short-
    1. Women who don't commit to plans with a guy are not very attracted to him. (Attraction usually goes away with time)
    2. You should still get active in pursuing women despite your preconception about what they want. You could be surprised what you'll discover.

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    For example, I was casually dating a girl for many months. For a few reasons I told her I couldn't date her any more. A week later she texts me saying "no relationship is ok, but could we still have a physical thing?"

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    Ok, so after on and off contact with this girl over the past year, she contacts me out of the blue and says she is in town and she wants to meet up. This is the first time since our trip that we have seen each other. We meet up for drinks with another two of her friends that are a couple. Things went pretty well, i dropped her off at her friends place afterwards and we kissed for the first time. She had a 7am flight the next morning so she said she would be back in town in a few weeks and we would get together again then.

    Now i need your thoughts on the message that i sent her the next day. I wrote:

    "Afternoon Nina. Hope you landed safely. Thankyou for a great evening. Seeing you again made me ask myself why we hadnt done it sooner. Now that we have, i think we should do it again. What dates are you back in Sydney? I,d like to take you to see some live music, amongst other things.."

    Is this a good follow up?

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    seems ok to me.

    don't overthink things though. If you're very nervous about every text message or every sentence you say, then you're way too anxious and needy and she will sense it somehow.

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    I can't work this human out. I messaged her on Sunday (3 days ago), and still no reply... Why did she even want to see me? I hadnt seen her for almost a year. Never spoke on the phone, just messages about possible trips, but no trips.. 1st she replies to a message that i sent 3 weeks ago saying, "i just saw this message, sorry. I,m in Sydney right now, are you free tomorrow arvo?" Then all night, she is saying, you should come to Melbourne, lets do another trip, what are we doing for your 40th next year?? Then she says, im back in Sydney in 4 weeks, doing a course, we should catch up for a couple of days.. I wasnt touchy feely at all during the night, just kept it friendly, but as i drop her home, i asked, do i get a kiss? So she quickly, gives me a pec on the lips, no feeling from her. Me being not satisfied, i ask for another. This one has a bit more toungue action and feeling from me, but cold from her. Then she pulls away again, blows me a kiss and says next time. Then goes. That was our first kiss. Sometimes i will meassage her and not hear from her for a month?? Is she using me for attention. Am i that guy she turns too when she is bored? How do i resolve this? Should i just call her and ask her how she really feels about me? I regret not being a bit more hands on at the bar. Touching her arm, telling her i missed her and all the rest. Was this a booty call? Please help. You guys know i need it..

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    I think i stuffed up though. When we went out for drinks, i told her that i had been back a month from another Trek, and while i was there, i met a girl, but it was just a fling. I told her it was over, and that she got too serious, too quickly. Was this a nail in the coffin?

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    It's a bad idea to bring up other flings with someone you're getting to know. Plus she might have multiple boyfriends she chooses not to discuss. My mindset is "when you're with me, you're all that matters to me" and just go by how we're vibing. Most of the conversations when she's long distance should just be kept upbeat and casual and somewhat flirty, but if she's not replying back, I'd just let it go - but you want her to look forward to seeing you sooner than later.

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    Sigh, you need to work on the basics, this is all pickup 101 type stuff going wrong.

    Quote Originally Posted by taboo79 View Post
    Why did she even want to see me?
    If you have to ask this question then you have a confidence problem.

    I wasnt touchy feely at all during the night, just kept it friendly,
    So you deliberately tried to friendzone yourself? Ok.

    but as i drop her home, i asked, do i get a kiss?
    Waiting until end of night to attempt a kiss is bad on many levels.

    Begging for a kiss will invariably destroy any attraction which survived your friendzone scheme.

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    Quote Originally Posted by taboo79 View Post
    So she quickly, gives me a pec on the lips, no feeling from her.
    No surprise after you worked so hard to avoid building any sexual tension

    Me being not satisfied, i ask for another. This one has a bit more toungue action and feeling from me, but cold from her.
    A woman is giving you "No" signals. That's the time to back off, not dial it up even higher.

    Is she using me for attention. Am i that guy she turns too when she is bored?
    Probably she was vaguely interested in you until she got to know you better.

    How do i resolve this?
    Forget her. Learn from your mistakes. Study the basics of pickup. Practice dating with other women.

    Should i just call her and ask her how she really feels about me?
    You could, but why? Her lips already told you loud & clear how she feels.

    Was this a booty call?
    Nope, a booty call involves sex, and you will never have sex with this woman.

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    Was this the woman who slept with the other guy during your trip together?

    Obviously you're not REALLY attracted to her. Every time you see you, you absolutely resist getting sexual with her. (Except for when you force yourself to beg for a kiss at the last moment).

    I think you never actually cared until that other guy showed how quick & easy it was to have sex with her. Then you got a little jealous, felt like you missed out on an opportunity, and decided you deserve to have sex with her also since you had invested so much more time into building some rapport.

    Now that it's been a year and you've been spent it stewing over this missed opportunity for a travel fling, your mind has transformed her into some fantasy and you've got a form of oneitis.

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