Hi, I'm a 29 y.o. virgin, desperate for help

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  1. Hi, I'm a 29 y.o. virgin, desperate for help

    I never actually thought I'd get to the point where I'd have to ask for advice concerning dating and sex but here I am.

    I'm a 29 year old virgin, turning 30 in a couple of weeks. Head full of hair, decent face, 5'11'', not too small "down there" (5.5' - not too large either) but the biggest physical issue is that I'm quite fat (~200lbs). I also have a mild congenital heart issue, stable & under treatment.

    Grew up around obsessively Christian relatives (not too religious myself).

    I have never kissed a woman. My last proper "date" was 10+ years ago and had met her through friends. I simply... can't charm women. While I've tried flirting many times, I lock up when having to talk to women, huge anxiety issues.

    Tried Tinder and got 8 matches in 2 days, but having no idea how to talk to women, I got unmatched by almost every single one. The rest just stopped replying.

    Currently working in IT, decent pay but have no car yet (no driver's license). Don't live with my parents or anything.

    I currently have no social circle (different city), no friends to go out to clubs, bars, concerts, etc. with.

    Part of my anxiety is that I feel like there are so many fitter, healthier, richer men out there so why would anyone want to date or have sex with me ?

    Another issue is that whenever I'm about to do a cold approach I feel guilty as if I'm intruding in that woman's life.

    I feel guilty when reading the bios of women on tinder. Many of them have traveled and studied abroad, they work as medics, lawyers, actors, beauticians, etc..

    Meanwhile I'm a measly little coder pumping out C++ code in my dark corner of the office.

    I've started doing moderate exercise and therapy but I need help to get out of this rut.

    I just don't want to feel like a defective product anymore, even if that's what I truly am.

  2. #2

    HI wizard,wish you can learn something here.

    At a certain moment i was just like that,a sedentary lifeform(good times anyway). One thing i did was to start going to literature workshops and parkour classes (a little bit of everything). Argh,in literature there was only oldmen and oldwomen,but was kinda fun,learn some stuff. Parkour can be dangerous,however the guys make sure to be prudent and teach well. 1 year later i have some more confident ...speed and reaction in general ( the few girls was there just dont stop looking the advanced ones ,grrr)

  3. I'm sorry to hear that. I'm a virgin and I'm 26 and while I know it's not the worst thing in the world, that doesn't mean it's exactly good either. I wish I could say that PUA helps with that problem but in my experience it does nothing whatsoever. A lot of the guys successful with women probably would have been successful regardless of whether they knew PUA or not but don't realise it. Personally, I've always been glad for the time I spent purely on self-improvement (hitting the gym and working on my aspirations) and the conversations I did have with women, I found it much easier to do so after I read this article which gave me a lot more fuel for the fire so to speak (https://www.mensfitness.com/women/da...ation-starters) - authentic conversation material not canned lines.

    This is speaking of the little success I did have, if you could call it that (just mainly dates, a few makeouts in clubs and some light sexual contact one time). I never found much decent advice like this from PUA forums and honestly, I spent a lot of time on these places. Just stuff like 'be yourself man', 'love women and they will love you too'. On these places, I have to be careful what I say because otherwise other forum members will jump out and be like 'what do you know? when was the last time you got laid brah?" so feel free to take what I say with a pinch of salt but uh, maybe you shouldn't trust someone's advice just because they've got 100 notches on their bedpost either. You lose your virginity when everyone else does, things go much more smoothly with women for you in my opinion. In terms of PUA in general, I think a lot of it really is not that helpful. I thought Models (Mark Manson) was an ok read. In terms of Love Systems, there's got some semi-decent stuff as well like Magic Bullets. But none of it is going to *get you laid TONIGHT or your money back NOW!*. So don't empty your wallet out for this stuff. And don't listen to the whole 'give something to the community and it will give back to you' spiritualistic b.s. There's a reason why there's such a close link PUA and new age pseudoscience like Eckhart Tolle - most of it is faux-intellectualism designed to scam guys that buy into big ideas and theories. It's just their to suck your money.

    I would just point out that if you're worried about your weight, I'm not saying don't cut it down, e.g. if you want to feel better about yourself, but if it helps, I'm 70 kg (155lbs) with a toned physique since I lift from time to time and do some sports (mostly MMA sparring, etc.). I'm ok/above average facially and 6ft so I don't think the weight thing is the issue here unless of course your looking to get really jacked. But I've heard of jacked and good looking guys out there that still couldn't get girls ( https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RJMSDVBSSPY ). Maybe they are liars, who knows but I'm just saying, I don't really buy into the whole LMS (looks money status) theory. Still you will hear a lot of internet trolls, especially from the incel community (involuntary celibate). Avoid those guys and to be honest, I would avoid red pill as well though it is not *as* bad, at least on the surface level. Thing is, they say a lot of misogynistic rubbish and pass that off as self-improvement so these places can be really deceiving and good at sucking you in to a dark place.

    And the incels really do feed off the whole red pill and the 'manosphere' in general. It can be easy to go to dark places of feeling despair and loneliness especially when you're a virgin at this age and it's way too easy to get sucked into hate ridden misogynistic ideologies because of it. Most of the PUA community that lost their virginity at the average age or a couple years later don't really understand the social stigmas and all the rest of it that's attached to being a virgin at this age. Just remember that dark places like these often lead to spree killers like Elliot Rodger. So yeah, you got to stay positive as much as you can and avoid all the bat-shit crazy incel guys (some of them have got some pretty medieval ideas about women). I tried to go on an incel community, because I thought I might be able to relate to some of the posters but I was wrong. Apparently I'm not an incel according to them because I'm not ugly or some shit and they hate the fact I try to stay positive about dating and women.

    Being sexually inexperienced is basically the male equivalent of being a 'slut' but some feminists in the dating scene like Dr NerdLove for all their talk about maddona-whore complex and male attitudes towards female promiscuity as well as a lot of PUAs actually, just really don't understand this phenomena when it comes to men's issues. They just totally reject any whiff of an idea that, hey maybe cis-white men can have socioeconomic, personal, psychological and sexual issues in society as well, not just women and ethnic minorities. Because to embrace such an ideology (egalitarianism) would be chauvinistic or something. So in my opinion you shouldn't expect love from these guys either. Just in general, don't expect public sympathy for being a male virgin because that's just not something people tend to care about whatsoever. As men, we always look much better for 'sucking it up' and embracing a 'stoic' mindset (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r1zyVGooNME) otherwise people will just see you as a little bitch and won't respect you at all. Same goes for PUA forums (actually this particular forum is not that bad).

    Sorry if this post sounds a bit bleak, it's not that I think there's no hope for guys like me and you, I just recognise the struggle for both of us and wish you the best of luck. Hope some of this post helps rather than brings you down.

  4. But I've heard of jacked and good looking guys out there that still couldn't get girls ( https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RJMSDVBSSPY ).
    Sorry, this is the link I meant to post:


    I already edited the above post a bunch of times for typos/phrasing so I can't put any more corrections in the above.

  5. #5
    Join Date
    Apr 2018
    Tampa, Florida

    Thanks for the tips and the recommendations! That helped a lot.

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