Why Women Flake on You

When people start to learn about dating science, they understand that everyone gets blown out once in a while, and that even the guys who are amazing with women can’t get every woman to like them. However, one issue that even the best students have trouble getting past is flakes. It is much easier to deal with getting blown out than to not have your call or text returned by a woman that seemed really interested in you the day or night before. The purpose of this article is to help men minimize the odds of a woman flaking on them, and then to properly deal with it when the inevitable flakes do happen.

Why do flakes happen?

Flakes can happen because of a lack of Attraction, Qualification, or Comfort. It’s not just a Comfort issue like most people assume. If a flake happens, think back to the interaction for clues as to what caused it. If a woman called you cute you know Attraction wasn’t the problem, and it’s either Qualification or Comfort. If you never gave her any compliments, then she was probably wondering why you liked you her (i.e. Qualification).

Sometimes a woman will explicitly tell you their hesitancies about you. If a woman ever says anything like “but I hardly know you” in a serious, non-joking manner, then you have a Comfort hurdle to overcome. Share something personal about yourself like your love of travel or foreign films, and try to get related information from her about her life.

If she says something similar to “you probably do this all the time,” she thinks you’re a player, and that you’re not genuinely interested in her. You can get past this by finding something unique about her that piques your interest, and then telling her about it.

If when you try to logistically progress things with a woman to a date, or ask her to come somewhere else with you after she’s first met you, and she turns you down by saying that she’s busy, has something else on, has to get home etc., then she doesn’t have enough Attraction for you (in other words, she didn’t see enough relevant social value in you). A woman telling you that she’s too busy is a polite way of saying “you’re not interesting enough for me to plan to spend some time with you). The exception to this rule is when she genuinely is busy, but does want to see you again, in which case she will typically offer an alternative time when she can see you.

Phone numbers are over-rated

People like to avoid awkward moments, so they are apt to give you their phone number if you ask for it. However, it doesn’t mean they are going to respond to your texts or pick up when you call (however, you would be wise to pick up Braddock's Phone & Text Game book to massively increase those odds). A lot of phone numbers are given out of social obligation. Personally, I’m less interested in phone numbers than I am in setting up an actual date. I’ll say something like, “I really enjoyed this conversation. How would you like to continue it over a drink sometime?” Then I stop talking and wait for her response. I am looking for an investment from her – a willingness to commit to a rough time and place to meet up with me in the future, ideally within the next few days.

If a woman seems hesitant about committing to a future day/time, I deal with it directly. For example, if a woman says “you can try calling me sometime” I’ll say something like the following: “Look, I like you, I think you’re attractive, but if you’re not into me or you have a boyfriend that’s cool.” This helps me figure out where we stand quickly. If she’s interested in me, she will make it clear. If she isn’t, then I know right away. That way I don’t waste any more time on her, and I can move on to something else with greater promise.

There are some things beyond your control

You will never predict with 100% accuracy who will flake on you and who won’t. This is about getting the percentage of women that flake on you as low as possible. Maybe she has a boyfriend and just wanted to get some attention. Maybe she just had her heart broken. Maybe she lacks confidence in herself. She might even be “ignoring” your texts or calls because she is out of the country and isn’t checking her messages. There are women I spoke to for under a minute that I’ve dated, and other women I thought I developed a deep connection with that flaked on me. It is impossible to completely eliminate flakes, but if you practice the advice given above, you will dramatically reduce the number of women that flake on you.

Jeremy Soul