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Cedar
04-12-2006, 10:09 AM
I have received both PMs and an e-mail from multiple people who just ain't getting the one-itis concept. Let's look at one of these so everyone can GET IT.
Nimrods. All of you.
************************************
I read two paragraphs into your e-mail. I have ZERO advice on how to fix ANY situations that involves THIS ONE GIRL. Mystery Method CANNOT get you THE ONE GIRL. It gets you GIRLS. There are TWO THOUSAND girls BEHIND the one you give a shit about. STOP CARING ABOUT THE ONE GIRL.
Mystery Method will teach you how to approach men AND women in ANY social setting, start a conversation that properly conveys YOU as the prize, and allow you to SELECT a girl to ESCALATE a physical relationship with.
If you are having ANY ISSUES with a PARTICULAR girl, our advice will be the same EVERYTIME. NEXT. Drop her like a bad habit and fuck ten other girls. If after discovering the wonders of being THE PRIZE doesn't solve your problem, you need serious one on one time with a shrink.
[I'm not a MM instructor, btw. I don't even consider myself PUA. I know my shit, I understand the material and I put my time in field. That time could be more productive if someone spooonfed me the kind of harsh advice I cram down everyone's throat here. Enjoy the love.]
Mystery Method graduates have the tools necessary to build a continuous feed of women into their lives. They know how to get these women engaged in conversation tailored to the PUAs advantage. They know how to timebridge and eventually fclose girls. Do they get girls 100% of the time? Noone does. The best open/close ratio I've heard is 30%. That's a Master level PUA.
NOONE GETS THE ONE GIRL. STOP trying to fix what's broken. The relationship you have with this girl is broken. Fix the relationships you forge with girls by getting NEW GIRLS. BEST thing you can do is drop her. Come back a year later after you fuck a dozen chicks. If she's still the cat's fucking meow, run game on her AFTER LOOSING TOUCH FOR AN EXTENDED PERIOD.
But, quite frankly, you're gonna fuck that up too.
NEXT.
Anonymous Nimrod wrote:
Cedar,
I am writting you an email as i have been reading the forum for a while and know that your advise is always one of the best and you are one of the masters! couldnt send it from the forum as this was my first post, so if you have the time to read I would really appretiate your opinion.
Thanks!
Anonymous
Hello all,
This is actually going to be my first post in the forum. However, I am not new to the game. About 2 years ago, I was a complete AFC, found a link to David D. and started to learn about gurus, seduction and game. First mostly theory, but slowly the theory started to get into my head and I have been getting better and better at it.
Ok, to the point now.
A while ago I went out with my bro and met a girl she is really nice.. a 9! The night went well, I showed different/interesting/funny conversation, alpha traits, and DHVs. At the end of the night, I kiss-closed her..
Next weekend I invited her to go out.. I know how to latin dance (another DHV) which she had never done before and she was having a great time (if you latin dance with a girl that hasn’t done it before she usually cant stop laughing and the sexual tension builds up).. we kissed several times.
After that my problems started. The following Monday she got a new job that keeps her really busy, finishes until late, and travels half the time. I have been calling her like once (sometimes twice) a week, about half of this time I have asked her out.. usually she always say something like: “Yes, but I have an appointment with the dentist and cant make it? or “yes, but I am busy and can only stay for an hour? or “yes, but I am going out of town this week? etc. This was around 6 weeks ago and we haven’t met since then.
I have continued to go out and have fun (kissed 2 other girls), but still.. don’t want to let go of this girl, as I think that she is worth it. Sooo.. my question is…
how do I deal with her?
Every time that she cant make it somewhere I invite her I feel like I lower my value. And she is good looking, so waiting for her to call is not an option… should I say something like.. this is my last call to you if you don’t come.. (it would be like giving too much importance and also the chance of blowing it), shall I stop calling for a month or more?? Shall I stay in touch with her in a more friendly manner (like if I know she cant make it, call her and not invite her anywhere.. just not to loose touch!)
Any suggestions would be fully appreciated!
Thank you all!

Vincent Chase
04-12-2006, 10:22 AM
one-ITIS
The itis notes that this condition is in effect a virus, a disease, a sickness, it will make ill on you. Unfortunately people woul dmuch rather deny thatthey have a serious disease, or ask for help on something they know is not curable, and do not fool yourself, there is no CURE for one-itis, what we simply do is ease the symptoms, there is still one-itis inside of everyone and chances are that eventually it will be apparent.
These nimrods need to do some research, it seems that everyone wants answers handed to them instead of working out the problem themselves, unfortunately neither Cedar, Masters, Harlequin, even Mystery, even Me! None of are "the Back of the Book" we cannot hand you the answer. Sure, we could spoon feed you what you want to hear, we could give you the lies that you've heard about seducing and pleasing women spread by sensationalist, feminine fantasies, or we could tell you the truth, the biting hard, cold and painful truth. You have a problem, we can help you remedy it, though it will never be rid of you and vice versa, are you ready for the truth? Apparently, these so call aPUAs aren't, they are still in denial and unwilling to recognize their predicament as the oft cited "oneitis" they hear about, well boys you've got it. Suck it up and deal with it, you pussys.

Hysteria
04-12-2006, 10:26 AM
Enjoy the love.
We love you PUA!!! :D
Seriously... guys... you wonder why Cedar is being tough on you is because we get BLASTED with these panicked requests for help via Private Message even when we state that we are a forum for developing a skillset for ALL situations and ALL women, not just one specific one. I'm emptying out my Private Message Inbox every week because of this, just to free up room for Mod-related PMs.
Let it be known that one-itis strikes hard even to the best of us. Last Friday was my very last university lecture with a girl that I had close to one-itis feelings for (everybody who knows me knows who I am talking about), and I realized I would NEVER see her again. I fucked up previously with her. She is the closest thing to this disease we call ONE-ITIS that I've ever had. Ultimately, my fucking up with her LED ME TO THIS GAME a little over a year ago. Cedar would probably have dished out the tough love to me had this forum existed last year. Now I am in a MUCH better place and I am helping other guys get through it. I give out this advice because I had been through it and gotten past it.
There are guys who PMed me who were EXTREMELY appreciative for kicking their ass into gear and moving their one-itis posts into the Worst-Of section. It was a WAKEUP CALL for them. They know not to make the same mistake again because we link them to relevant articles that will help them to DEMOLISH their one-itis disease. The ones who get past it become contributing members of the community and it is really rewarding to see them in their new skin. By the way, I used to teach martial arts to all age groups and I've been thanked countless times for my method of instructing with "tough love", especially by parents of rebellious children/teens who blossomed into new people.
Remember... as Russell Peters says in my signature below, you never wanna be stuck with ONE-GINA for the rest of your life.

Masters
04-12-2006, 10:42 AM
I think Cedar was a bit harsh here, however he was 100% correct.
Men, seriously stop asking about ways to win over that one specific girl. Not only does this violate our forum rules but its counter productive and keeps you from improving your own skill set.
If you practice our community material the way everyone tells you to you'll develop the skills to go back and game that one girl. Until you improve your OVERALL skill set you won't be able to do jack shit with her.
So what, we're going to tell you to do "this" and then you're going to score? What about next time you want one specific girl? You'll need step by step advice again? Guys, it's sometimes $400 an hour for one on one advice from a guru in the complete Venusian Arts. Don't be cheap and try to get personal instruction on ALL THAT IS SEDUCTION via a pm so you can win over the girl you've liked all through high school. Read the FREE material here to improve your skills so you can win over ANY woman. Practice the material until you think you can benefit from a workshop and personal instruction and then take an in field course to polish your skills and learn the rest of the info and receive the further instruction you need to become THE MAN.
If you're gaming a one-itis and you ask for advice on a SPECIFIC sticking point like: So this is the background.. and this is where we were and this is what i did.. why did she turn her head when i went to kiss her? Then we'll give you advice on what you did wrong if its not too vague.
NOT
"So how do i get kelly from Math Class into bed?"
-Masters

Vincent Chase
04-12-2006, 10:57 AM
"So how do i get kelly from Math Class into bed?"

Agreed.
Instead of thinking; "So how do I get Kelly from Math Class into bed?" Start thinking, ""So, how can I get my Math Class into bed?"
They say there are plenty of of fish in the sea, well that's 100% true, 80% of life on earth lives under the water, that's over 80 Trillion fish IN THE PACIFIC OCEAN!
With six billion people on the planet an an esimated 60%+ being women, you having one itis is you focusing on only .6e+10^2 percent of the pie! That's not even a fucking crumb of the pie! That's roughly the equivalent of an Atom that composes the pies preservative! GET OVER YOUSELF SO YOU CAN EAT A SLICE OF FUCKING PIE, AT LEAST! Better yet, eat the whol fucking pie and the rest of the meal.

Hysteria
04-12-2006, 11:01 AM
With six billion people on the planet an an esimated 60%+ being women, you having one itis is you focusing on only .6e+10^2 percent of the pie! That's not even a fucking crumb of the pie! That's roughly the equivalent of an Atom that composes the pies preservative! GET OVER YOUSELF SO YOU CAN EAT A SLICE OF FUCKING PIE, AT LEAST! Better yet, eat the whol fucking pie and the rest of the meal.
I cannot help but notice the repeated mention of pie. I feel like I'm being blasted with euphemisms for genitalia here. :D

Cedar
04-12-2006, 11:11 AM
I cannot help but notice the repeated mention of pie. I feel like I'm being blasted with euphemisms for genitalia here. :D
I'm heading to Starbucks to slurp up a wet frothy drink and a pink cookie.
[Go ahead, count the euphanisms.]

neonlandmine
04-12-2006, 11:12 AM
:golf clap:

doc
04-12-2006, 11:20 AM
Yeah but...
you don`t understand...there`s this one girl ...and she`s different !

Hysteria
04-12-2006, 11:21 AM
Doc... is she GREEN?
You must be ONE with the universe.

Masters
04-12-2006, 11:22 AM
I cannot help but notice the repeated mention of pie. I feel like I'm being blasted with euphemisms for genitalia here. :D
you read pie and think of genitalia?
I read pie and think of food..
I'm not even fat..

doc
04-12-2006, 11:26 AM
Thanks for snapping me outta it....
I almost moved to the Planet Poontangus

Fader
04-12-2006, 11:28 AM
Instead of thinking; "So how do I get Kelly from Math Class into bed?" Start thinking, ""So, how can I get my Math Class into bed?"
.
I cant believe no one commented on this. I actually chuckled out loud when I read it.

Vincent Chase
04-12-2006, 11:40 AM
you read pie and think of genitalia?
I read pie and think of food..
I'm not even fat..
LMAO! This thread has devolved from a cry to self-intervention to a humorus non-sequitor act.

Vincent Chase
04-12-2006, 11:41 AM
I cant believe no one commented on this. I actually chuckled out loud when I read it.
And to think, if we had rep I would be one such richer, if only someone hadn't diabled it... MASTERS! Just kidding.
fad3r, I guess we're the only one's with a sense of humor. I think a cult folowing is in order. =]

WBAFC
04-12-2006, 11:43 AM
you read pie and think of genitalia?
I read pie and think of food..
I'm not even fat..
Well look at it this way, better to hear of "pie" and think of food then think of 3.14 and I AM fat! :p

Masters
04-12-2006, 11:46 AM
And to think, if we had rep I would be one such richer, if only someone hadn't diabled it... MASTERS! Just kidding.
fad3r, I guess we're the only one's with a sense of humor. I think a cult folowing is in order. =]
I thought it was hilarious too.. can I join?

Cedar
04-12-2006, 11:46 AM
The original emailee thanked me for the harsh love, btw. Said I was third person to beat the crap out of him. Kudos to the other two!

doc
04-12-2006, 11:48 AM
yeah wait til he gets Bitch-slapped by a Lesbian...that`ll get him motivated.

the piper
04-12-2006, 11:49 AM
i really don't have any input on "how to" get over oneitis but i am getting over mine and making a lot of progress. and I am telling anyone who has it really bad when you are over it/getting over it it feels like 100 pounds of bricks have been lifted off of your back.
go have out with other girls (even just chick friends), hang with you friends, avoid e-mails/phonecalls, don't visit her at work if she asks you too. be friendly and polite to the girl but don't get caught up in her web. i'm telling you, you will feel so much better.

Sy
04-12-2006, 12:28 PM
I thought it was hilarious too.. can I join?
I was watching wrestlemania... geek style. Does that count for not being able to join in?
:cool: <-- me

Oneiricon
04-12-2006, 12:48 PM
i really don't have any input on "how to" get over oneitis but i am getting over mine and making a lot of progress. and I am telling anyone who has it really bad when you are over it/getting over it it feels like 100 pounds of bricks have been lifted off of your back.
go have out with other girls (even just chick friends), hang with you friends, avoid e-mails/phonecalls, don't visit her at work if she asks you too. be friendly and polite to the girl but don't get caught up in her web. i'm telling you, you will feel so much better.
Way to derail the thread with your serious reply, piper.
Can't you see that we're talking about....wait, what the hell is being talked about? :D

the piper
04-12-2006, 12:58 PM
no doubt what they are saying is funny but i wanted to stay on topic for this one maybe because i am getting oven mine,
as far as bring the girl from mat class to bed you could always say something like
hey, my name is piper i saw you sitting a few rows behind me. i was wondering if maybe you weren't interested in...sitting on my face.
if all else fails you could ask her if she wants to meet up for a study group which all of us know what the really means.

Vincent Chase
04-12-2006, 03:24 PM
I thought it was hilarious too.. can I join?
Nobody "joins" a cult, they become part of the cult.
...but yeah, we meet on wednesdays.

I was watching wrestlemania... geek style. Does that count for not being able to join in?
...I thought you were british...

Dominance
04-12-2006, 03:34 PM
Guys, I understand the whole idea about how oneitis is to be avoided, and since I've joined the game I've fucked about 10 girls but I've got a problem. You see, there's this one girl who I just can't figure out....
Just kidding :)

Cedar
04-12-2006, 03:40 PM
...there's this one girl who I just can't figure out....
Are lynch mobs legal in LA?

Vincent Chase
04-12-2006, 04:10 PM
Are lynch mobs legal in LA?Nope, only in Kentucky
...and Haiti.

mbrito
04-12-2006, 04:16 PM
Yep, the original post was mine.. it was actually my first post.. and what a way to start!!! first i was sent to the worst of the forum section, and now i am being kicked in the ass (or though love) by quite a few.. but thats ok, i believe that we are all here to learn an improve ourselves, so if you guys have things to say i will take what i believe is useful for me, and disregard what i dont.
About my case... ok, yes i admit it, i had a preference for this girl (one-itis if you wanna say it that way). However i believe that its been exagerated quite bit. I was not thinking about her all the time, not feeling bad or sad about it, i was (and still am) going out once or twice a week, having fun and meeting new girls.. so there were no big dramas about it..
My first lesson here is that i should learn how to write what i really want to say, and explain myself.. as i will be judged and get comments by specific lines and words by people who dont know anything else but what i post here.. In this case, i do really believe that she was attracted to me (and i was attracted to her), it was only when she started working in her new job that we couldnt meet again. so instead of asking.. how do i deal with this particular girl? I should have asked something like, how do you deal with working/busy girls with tight scheadule?? (or something similar).
Another thing is that I wont send any direct PM or emails again (unless agreed), I didnt realized you guys get tons of emails all the time asking for advise..
Take care,
M

Jester
04-12-2006, 04:38 PM
Do they get girls 100% of the time? Noone does. The best open/close ratio I've heard is 30%. That's a Master level PUA.

This is pretty bloody good really, I dont know if any of you know of the 100:10:3:1 rule? this is used in business and sales. Out of 100 approaches 10 you will get as clients (day2's/ fucks) 3 will be good clients (you will fuck these 3 more than once) and 1 of those 3 will be a really good account (this 1 will be a [M]LTR)

GameBoy
04-12-2006, 05:10 PM
Do they get girls 100% of the time? Noone does. The best open/close ratio I've heard is 30%. That's a Master level PUA.
30% of the time, it works every time. :cool:
Other than that (and VC, I'm really disappointed in you for missing that one!)
I'd have to agree with everything said (on topic) in this thread.
The 'one girl' pms are one reason I don't hang around the Main board much.
It seems like every time I post a reply that I'm proud of - I get two or three 1itis PMs in return. It's amazing.
A few time's I've taken the time to break down things that the guy was doing wrong (from what I could tell) in a general sens - and usually hear back "no, but wait! I was doing it for this reason"
Yeah, I know. You were fucking up... I just said that.
So another point is: If you ask for advice, trust what you're hearing or else don't ask. If you are just looking to be proven right:
Buy a tape recorder
Record happy-happy thoughs.
And play them back to yourself whenever you feel like a duchebag.
Also:
Hysteria - you reminded me of a Family Guy quote:
Peter: I know what you want pie. I saw you in that movie: Slut, Whore, Bitch. You're not good enough to have sex with me. instead I'm gonna eat the whore outta you.

Rakly
04-12-2006, 06:29 PM
30% of the time, it works every time. :cool:
Anchorman! :D

Vincent Chase
04-12-2006, 08:01 PM
30% of the time, it works every time. :cool:
Other than that (and VC, I'm really disappointed in you for missing that one!)
I missed that line until after you posted that, I was thinking of it too... and then I scrolled down.

I'd have to agree with everything said (on topic) in this thread.
Even with the cult, pie is a euphamism for genitals and Lynch Mobs are legal in Kentucky? ...Oh wait, "(on topic)"
Damn. What a party pooper.

It seems like every time I post a reply that I'm proud of - I get two or three 1itis PMs in return. Yea, not just one-itis though. I posted something in a topic about strippers and BAM I got PMs for how to pick up strippers... I really don't see much allure to them, but hey.

obie
04-12-2006, 08:25 PM
Gee whiz... now I am sad. No one ever PMs me asking for help.
I feel so left out and unloved.
:D :D

Vincent Chase
04-12-2006, 08:33 PM
Perhaps it's because you don't make a spectacle of yourself as some of us do (My sig for example is e-peacocking, it's quite spectacular and draws attention) and also perhaps because A.) They have greater respect for you (or someone from the lounge, this is counter acted in Cedars effect by him not only being a Mod but giving good advice as much as possible) or B.) They are not familiar enough with you, they feel a lack of commonailty and such and thus will ot move into C1 with you (=P) or C.) You're excellent advice is a far more rare occurance than those of us who whittle away hours at work on this forum, attempting to slay boredom, while you maintain a constant air of straight-laced no frills PUA, whic of course is bullshit, but it's may be an impression they get.

legonz
04-12-2006, 08:48 PM
I heard pink cookie, which reminds me of the urban legend of the Pink Sock.
Grab your blankies, boys and girls, because here's the story...
On day, my brother's friend's cousin was prodding his new girlfriend to have anal sex with him. After days and days of asking, she finally obliged. Late one night at her house, when her parents were gone, they started prepping for it. Unfortunately, they had no lube, so they sufficed with attempting it dry. After about 10 minutes of fiddling with it, he finally gets it all the way in and starts blasting away, but they're shocked to see their parent's headlights. They're back already! He yanked himself out uncomfortably as she clenched her ass in surprise. As the door turned to open, they rushed into their clothes and the guy (Steve) hopped on the couch. The parents greeted Steve and asked him why his white jeans had a red stain on them. He went back to the bathroom to check it out and saw what appeared to be a pink sock on his johnson. In the other room, his girlfriend was laying down, bleeding from the missing portion of her lower intestine that was torn out.
DUN DUN DUN

obie
04-12-2006, 09:08 PM
Strait laced no frills PUA... I'm the Mr. Rogers of pickup LOLLOL.
Anyway, since th etopic seems to have drifted to anal sex, this is the BEST anal sex story ever, and the girl who told me swore on her left titty that it's true.
When I was in my freshman year I had a Muslim friend from Albania. One night her sister was taking it up the ass from her boyfriend on her dad's new couch. Her dad had saved fro months to buy this motherfucker. He wouldn't even take the fucking plastic off the couch, that's how proud he was of this thing.
So her boyfriend is happily pumping away at her sphincter, when suddenly she hears the garage door. Damn. Remember these are Muslims from Albania. The two of them are in a rush to gte their clothes back on and they manage to get totally ready just in time, except for one thing... in her rush, a little but of shit fell out of her asshole and onto the new couch.
In walks Daddy, sees the shit on the couch and blows his stack. He's yelling like "where the fuck did this shit come from" I mean what's she gonna say... she can't say "actually it fell out of my ass as dude and I were hastily trying to get decent to keep you from catching him fucking me up the hershey highway" so she just says "it must have been the dog."
Daddy took the dog out back... and SHOT IT DEAD.
Imagine what would've happened if he came in the front door.

Vincent Chase
04-12-2006, 09:21 PM
:eek:
...I'm never watching Mr. Rodgers again...
...Thanks a lot... Asshole...
...Which, ironically enough, is the moral of your story.

GameBoy
04-12-2006, 09:51 PM
Since you posted the BEST anal sex story ever Obie
I'm going to post the WORST.
This was not written by me. It is from my good friend Craigslist.com:
The worst "Anal Sex Accident"
Never have anal sex after a fish dinner.
Most people contract some form of food poisoning at least once a year. Most of the time the symptoms are mild, and can even be mistaken for a 24 hour flu bug. Other times, the symptoms are similar to one having a very bad case of the flu, but rarely do people ever need to go to the hospital for food poisoning.
Just by its nature, the probability of contracting food poisoning from fish is always higher than most other foods. This is why, based on personal experience, I recommend that no one ever engage in anal sex after your date ate a large fish dinner.
We hadn’t been dating that long, only about a month. Even though we'd only been dating a short time, we were having sex since the second date, and it was the best, freakiest, porno-style sex of my life. Seriously, this was the kind of sex that every man, deep down, dreams about having at least once in his life. It was the kind of sex that I had wished for ever since my voice started changing. It was with this woman, and only with this woman, that I was ever addressed with the phrase, “Use your whole fist for Christ’s sake.?
On one now infamous date night, we were enjoying a romantic dinner at an upscale seafood restaurant. Through the entire meal, however, sex was all that was on our minds. In retrospect, every date we ever went on seemed to just be a temporary diversion from the best part of the night, which involved animalistic insertions, feral lickings and brazen misuse of food products. We emptied wine bottle after wine bottle over the course of the dinner, and by the time the main course arrived, fish for her and lobster for me, she slipped off her shoes and casually masturbated me under the table with her stocking covered feet. Completely plastered and horny by the end of the meal, we decided to skip dessert in the restaurant because a much sweeter dessert “was being prepared in her hot, wet crotch,? she said. I paid the bill and narrowly avoided getting a speeding ticket, not to mention a DUI, during the drive back to my place.
By the time we got into my apartment, we were tearing each other’s clothes off. Sloppy in our drunkenness, we knocked over two lamps during our horny, groping journey into the bedroom. Once in the bed, she got down on all fours, arched her back, and presented her delicious ass to me. I grunted my approval while aiming my rock-hard cock missile at her hairy silo. When the head of my cock began to penetrate her lips, she stopped me.
“No. In my ass,? she hissed at me, sounding both horny and angry at the same time.
“Are you sure,? I asked?
She giggled as she said, “If I could handle last night. . .?
Oh yeah, I thought. Last night’s adventure involved a clown mask, three packets of Pop Rocks, and a twenty-inch replica of the Eiffel Tower. What the hell was I thinking? Of course she could handle some anal-action. She reached between her legs and began lubing up her asshole with her own pussy juices. Where did I find this girl? I thought. I was in horn-dog heaven. Blessed. Not being an expert in anal intrusion, I slowly eased my way into her lovely stink-star. First the head, then a quarter of the shaft, and soon I was buried to the hilt between her ass-cheeks.
“Go slowly,? she said, half moaning, half panting in both pleasure and pain, I think. I did as she bid, and very slowly began pulling out, like a steam piston on an old locomotive beginning its first run in a century. Almost all the way out of her, but keeping the head firmly planted in her ass-iris, I slowly began inserting again.
“Yeeeeees!? she moaned and began diddling her clit. Soon she said, “Faster.? So faster I went, the tempo increasing until the train was running at full speed, the piston pumping in and out so fast my cock became a complete blur, her hand rubbing her clit like she was trying to start a friction-fire in her pussy.
“Gnnnnnnnah!? she screamed. Thinking she was close to orgasm, I pumped that ass even faster, faster than Amish meth-head churns butter.
“Gnnnnnahstoooop,? she screamed, or something like this, because the noise in my head was drowning out the reality around me, for in my head I heard a steam locomotive, chugga-chugga-chugga-chugga-Woo-Woo! Barreling down the tracks, and somehow I pumped even faster.
“YES!? I screamed.
She started reaching behind her and flailing on the bed in what I thought was ecstasy—
“—Stop!? she screamed, able to finally get out the word I had mistaken for groans of ecstasy moments ago. She screamed this with such volume and guttural, primal force that it had the effect of pulling the emergency brake on a 100,000 pound locomotive running at full speed. The sex act squealed to a halt, and I pulled my cock out of her ass like the rip-cord on a parachute. Did someone order champagne? No, that popping noise was my cock coming out of her ass.
“Arrrrrrgh!? She screamed, as I yanked my cock free. And then it happened.
Immediately after my cock popped out, I was sprayed from belly to thighs with watery, fish-smelling diarrhea.
“What the—-?? I said, not able to get the word ‘fuck’ out of my mouth because of my shock at the brown funk lining my body. As she sprayed me, she seemed to be propelled forward by the force of the jet-propelled diarrhea, and she collapsed onto her stomach.
“Oh. My. Fucking. God.? I murmured, completely shell-shocked. Everything was still. I could hear my wind-up alarm clock ticking on my dresser. I stared at my shit-covered body. I surveyed the room to see if there was any collateral damage. The trajectory of the diarrhea spray was similar to buck-shot in a sawed-off shotgun; it was everywhere. Unfortunately, during the sex act she had been facing the feet-side of the bed, which meant that the headboard, my bedside table and lamp had poop on them as well. Even my bedside clock had a few speckles staining its face. The bed sheets: Killed in Action. A total loss.
I looked at my date, lying there motionless. I called her name. No response. I called her name while shaking her a bit. Nothing. Fear shot through me, as I thought, “Oh my god, what if she’s dead?? But this fear quickly dissipated when I heard her snoring. She was passed out from the wine. I on the other hand was no longer blasted drunk, because the blast from her ass rendered me completely sober. This night was definitely going down in the (ahem) annals as the all time worst date of my life. In fact, I had to invent a new special category, “Even the Devil would feel sympathetic,? to describe this night.
I cleaned up. I cleaned her up. I cleaned the headboard, the dresser, the lamp and the clock. With some manipulation of her passed out body, I was able to wrangle the sheets from the bed and throw them down the garbage chute. By two in the morning, I found myself lying on my couch, drinking Jack Daniels from the bottle. I don’t remember passing out myself, but I can say that unconsciousness didn’t come soon enough.
“It was food poisoning,? her voicemail message explained to me the next day. After some silence, she added, “The fish.? More silence. “Sorry.? She left this message the following day, around 2:00 p.m. I had slept until Noon, and, thank God, she was gone when I woke up. How do you face that? She never called me again. I never called her. I definitely learned two valuable lessons that night: 1) Never have anal sex after a sea food dinner. 2) Be careful what you wish for. There’s only one other experience in my life that entered into the “Even the Devil would feel sympathetic? category, and frankly I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to tell that story. Let’s just say that the morning after a great one-night-stand, the beautiful woman you banged the night before can certainly use your bathroom. . .but she shouldn’t be more comfortable standing up while she pees.

Vincent Chase
04-12-2006, 10:27 PM
:( I'm going to harf:(
Never again...
Now i'm never going to play a GameBoy ever again...and never again will I perform anal...
Way to ruin it for some chick out there GB.

Sy
04-13-2006, 01:46 AM
...I thought you were british...
I am, thats why I couldn't watch it live :p