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View Full Version : Preselection DHV help - (right forum?)



gerudobombshell
11-2008-07, 11:55 AM
Okay, so basically, I've tried to work the bugs out of this, but it's difficult to not come off as bragging.

Here's the gist:

I was in Hawaii on a cruise ship, and it was me and my cousin, who will be referred to as "K" . As we were on the front of the ship, a creepy old guy with a camera pointed at "K" and his creepy little son (alittle older than us) comes and starts hitting on my cous "K". She gives me these eye signals that both of these two are creeping her out, and even after the father left subsequent to saying somthing like "Here she is, the catch of the day," the creepy son just kinda stood there. So, I kinda AMOGed him and tell him to go get me a drink, and while he does that, we move to the back of the ship and sit down indoors to continue talking about some fun things she did back in high school. And while she started telling this one story, she began to grow this strange look on her face. So, eventually, I turned around to scan the area, and there was Toby Wong standing behind me with a drink in his hand. He says somthing really AFCish, like 'Where did you go to school', or, 'When did you graduate?' or some bullshit like that. I, at this point, kind of put my foot down and told him to just stop creeping my cousin out. He understood what I meant, so shortly after "K" and I just went around the ship together talking to people roughly our own age. As I was talking to a group of funny girls, TOBY WONG struck again. "K" ran up to me and said:

K: "That creepy guy that got us the drinks, he told me he wants to be my Pen Pal! He said he's always checking his email, and he'll send me an email tonight midnight when he gets home!"
Me: "Now what in the hell did you give him your email for?"
K: "Well I just gave him my email address that I don't ever use!"

At this point, I was so amused by this guys AFCness, I just let it go and kind of sheltered her from him the whole rest of the ride.

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On the ship ride, durning this whole process, we did a bunch of fun shit like scuba diving and saw amazing landscapes and fish and gorgeous lush... well, yea, it was Hawaii... so it was pretty amazing.

============================================
My goals with this DHV:
How do I just kind of brush over the attraction switches?
How do I transition into this story?
How do I make shit sound interesting?


Thanks a bunch people!

gerudobombshell
11-2008-08, 05:40 PM
Bump

Here, basically, I'm just looking for someone to proof this and make sure it hits what it's supposed to and how it's supposed to, and doesn't hit any bad switches:
==============
(only the basic concepts of the story are bulleted)




Me and my cousin were on a ship.
Creepy guys come up and bother her.
I tell them to go get us some drinks.
We leave when he does for the indoors.
We were talking and she started giving me these weird signals
Creepy guy snuck up behind me with the drinks in his hand.
He started butting into the conversation and asking her what year she graduated and some other strange things
I didn't want to act like a jerk.
I can't stand it when somebody threatens/bothers my family/people I love/whatever.

(Know what I mean?)

I told him "Just take the drinks and go."
"You're creeping her out dude."
He kinda looked to her for approval.
I told him to "Just go."
He leaves

We go around talking, go scuba diving, look at the scenery and stuff.

And after a while she comes up to me.
She tells me the creppy guy came up to her again.
He told her how he wants to be pen pals
He said he was going to send her an email right at midnight when we got off the ship
She gave him the email she never uses.


================
What did I leave out?
What should I put in or change?

Trying to hit on protector of loved ones and leader of men.

BTW, should I change Cousin to GIRLfriend for the sake of the story (sounds kinda weird, but...)


Thanks

HeretoLearnbaby
11-2008-09, 10:18 AM
don't take this the wrong way, You sound more interested in your cousin and protecting her then any general hitting on girls questions.

gerudobombshell
11-2008-10, 10:38 AM
what the heck does that mean? Seriously I'm looking for some useful feedback.

Seriously, please give pointers on making this better. Should I sound more like I'm interested in protecting my family, or should I just kind of act like I don't really care until she says that guy was creeping her out?

Should I emphasize taht we were just trying to have a good time, and not get annoyed by a creepy guy?

nereis
11-2008-14, 05:52 PM
Too much unnecessary detail. And no funny anecdote to conclude. Change cousin to ex-girlfriend. Condense the two guys into an ex-boyfriend that followed you two. Have her do something stupid that you have to rescue her to great comedic effect, eg shes hanging out at the pool, but can't swim, she trips over seeing him there, you jump in wearing your tuxedo. Moral: now you know what its like to run around hiding from a jealous ex on a cruise-liner just like on the Titanic.

Something like that.

luv_asa
11-2008-15, 07:06 PM
Try creating your stories from the end. What type of feeling do you want your audiance to feel after you get done telling a story. If you tell this story, they might get bored. If not, they're gonna wonder why you told this story. Its pointless.You can't just say, "The End." You have to craft your workmanship.

A typical ending should be:
-A humorous anecdote
-A moral
-Some type of meaning
-An explanation

For a drama story like that you'd probably want to start off with a drama opinion opener. Also, I think the other posters forgot this realy good point.[This isn't a preselection story]

Pre-selection=Attractive women are chasing you for your goodies (heh)
Do this by telling them that you had a girlfriend that was drop dead gorgeous or that you have a drop dead gorgeous woman, or a woman of value, thats associated with you and may be trying to get into your pants.

Leave out all the details. Nobody can stand details. When someone tells you a story, you should unconciously imagine or daydream into the even as if you were there. You do this by hearing sensory descriptions such as sight, smell, taste, and touch. Women are highly imaginative. If you say, "...I was naked...," you bet your ass she's gonna say "ew," if she isn't attracted to you yet... or if she doesn't watch porn on a regular basis like the girls I know.

So quit making statements about the exact time, or that your computer was crashing (I know you didn't write this). Spend more time describing what you sensed with your five senses. Know what the Attraction Switches are (see the post at the top of the Attraction catagory). After you learn what they are. You should be able to impliment them withought bragging.

gerudobombshell
11-2008-18, 08:19 AM
Wow great advice! Taking it to heart! Perfect! Expect sloppy revision soon!