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View Full Version : She says "I can't be involved"



Breezing
01-2008-11, 09:32 AM
Hey everyone, this is my first post and I need a little help figuring few things out. I also hope this is in the right place :)

Here is the situation...

I've known this girl for a few months. She is planning on moving out of state to a different college next year, so I figured while she is still around, I'd take my chances and see if I can have a "sexy time" with her.

I've built a lot of comfort, we went out to eat few times, started doing light kino every time we hung out, flirt a good amount, she would AIM me every day and we would talk about random shit. Recently I started displaying SOI to make sure she understood that I had sexual intentions and did not want to be just a platonic friend.

Here is the recent AIM convo recap.

HB: So, how many kids you want us to have?
Me: Well, we can be like Brad and Angelina and have a baby from each continent
HB: Haha, I love Asian babies!
Me: Alright, we'll get one made in China.
HB: I want to have sex
HB: I want US to have a baby
Me: Heeey, I am still getting to know you ;)
HB: Ok, I gotta be honest with you, I am not good at reading guys, so you gotta be honest with me, cut to the chase and tell me what do you think of me.
Me: Hmmm... ok
Me: I think that you are attractive and interesting person. I feel like there is something unique about you and I want to figure out what it is.
HB: I'll stay mysterious for now =)
HB: You have to understand though, I can't get involved because there is a high possibility of me moving away and I don't want to break your heart. I've been in that boat too many times.
Me: I know, this is why I don't want it to be anything serious, I am all for just having fun and living the moment, so to speak. I just want to get to know the best of you before you move out.
HB: That's fine with me.
HB: I gotta go eat, I'll talk to you later
Me: See ya.

Do you think I still have a chance of turning her into a potential FB?
If so, what steps should I take?

sdnightfly
01-2008-11, 09:38 PM
HB: You have to understand though, I can't get involved because there is a high possibility of me moving away and I don't want to break your heart. I've been in that boat too many times.

[sdnightfly]This is where I would've said something:
Basically, that you would be able to handle it, that whatever happened in the past isn't you.

Me: I know, this is why I don't want it to be anything serious, I am all for just having fun and living the moment, so to speak. I just want to get to know the best of you before you move out.

[sdnightfly]I wouldn't have said anything about it not being serious...it kind of gives the impression she'll be a forgotten fling. It should be serious for the time you're with her and a great memory once she's gone. Girls like this should be like an ornament on Christmas tree... an ornament that you don't think about at first glance, but when you take a good look at it, sparked a really cool memory.

HB: That's fine with me.
HB: I gotta go eat, I'll talk to you later

[sdnightfly] Usually you talk about if she's going to be an FB after you f-closed, not before. If she had said she was worried about breaking your heart while you were taking her clothes off, then maybe. You're giving her some comfort in what you're saying, but I don't know how this will work in seducing her.

Do you think I still have a chance of turning her into a potential FB?
If so, what steps should I take?
[sdnightfly] The steps into turning her into an FB involve being intimate with her and having fun, and parting ways after sex. It requires being a little bit detached and not being all that romantic when you get to that point.
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Finesse_
01-2008-11, 10:13 PM
This is where I would pull out the "AFC" things. Comfort is what she is looking for, give her the AFC in you.

She wants that connection. That intimate connection.

Text her: I miss you.

ComeBacK_KiD
01-2008-15, 02:56 AM
This is where I would pull out the "AFC" things. Comfort is what she is looking for, give her the AFC in you.

She wants that connection. That intimate connection.

Text her: I miss you.

PLEASE, IGNORE THE POST ABOVE! Wow, either Finesse is making a terrible joke or he may be an AFC.. C'mon now, we KNOW that doesnt work...

NOW, the ADVICE... So it looks like you've got attraction, and you're obviously into comfort if you can flirt with her like that (but not ljbf comfort, thats good)... Did you qualify her though? Let her know something unique that you like about her that makes her "attractive and interesting"? If so, its onto seduction, I suggest reading the masters' posts as well as the section of our forum for that.. Good luck bro

Finesse_
01-2008-15, 04:50 AM
PLEASE, IGNORE THE POST ABOVE! Wow, either Finesse is making a terrible joke or he may be an AFC.. C'mon now, we KNOW that doesnt work...

NOW, the ADVICE... So it looks like you've got attraction, and you're obviously into comfort if you can flirt with her like that (but not ljbf comfort, thats good)... Did you qualify her though? Let her know something unique that you like about her that makes her "attractive and interesting"? If so, its onto seduction, I suggest reading the masters' posts as well as the section of our forum for that.. Good luck bro


Howd you know? Im really just a keyboard jockey. :D Game is all retrospective man. What it all really boils down too is what works for him, and unfortunatly he's going to have to figure it out for himself. There is no magic line that will make her hop into his bed, especially over text or AIM. I've gotten laid off, "I miss you" more than several times, due to it's sincerity. The truth is, we don't know the rest of the context in which he knows this girl. We don't know what he's said up to this point so all we are doing is speculating on possible solutions.

If he has done nothing but teasing and playful up to this point, then I would say he would need to be sincere now. If he was more serious earlier on then now he needs to be a little flirtacious and push away a little, then pull her back.

Im sure he knows the answer already but most guys tend to overlook what they are thinking because they start fearing that theyll push the girll out of their lives, but there is a point in time where that little AFC voice comes into use, and that is when you want a relationship. He knows the route he needs to take, hes the one that has the calibration for this conversation, not us, so all we can do is say, "Try this."

I agree that he has enough attraction, so since: attraction + comfort = seduction, and he hasnt slept with her yet. We can assume that we are either in the latter parts of comfort early parts of seduction. If you were skeptical about doing something you would need a little reessurance wouldnt you?

Well shes down for it, by this alone shes begging for it, "You have to understand though, I can't get involved because there is a high possibility of me moving away and I don't want to break your heart. I've been in that boat too many times." Text her something, anything and set up a meet up, then bounce to seduction location. BUT she actually hasnt had sex with him so her gaurd isnt fully down yet, and it wont be until he plays, "Just the tip, just for a little bit to see how it feels."

Hope this helps.

HRHughes
01-2008-15, 12:57 PM
HB: Ok, I gotta be honest with you, I am not good at reading guys, so you gotta be honest with me, cut to the chase and tell me what do you think of me.
Me: Hmmm... ok
Me: I think that you are attractive and interesting person. I feel like there is something unique about you and I want to figure out what it is.
HB: I'll stay mysterious for now =)


this point was highlighted in my mind.

IMO the part about "cut to the chase", seems to me that she's testing you to see if you're going to be the type of guy calling her crying to come back, or the type of guy who is going to give her a wild time before she leaves.

Then she snaps back to "i'll stay mysterious" which IMO, that what YOU should have said!

Sexual tension is pretty easy to build over aim, ym, ect. Dont talk about you having sex with her, just start exploring the topic.

Personally i would be trying to setup the next date, so i could let my tongue and fingers do the talking (to start)....but i'm no expert.

shockunit
01-2008-24, 11:10 PM
Howd you know? Im really just a keyboard jockey. :D Game is all retrospective man. What it all really boils down too is what works for him, and unfortunatly he's going to have to figure it out for himself. There is no magic line that will make her hop into his bed, especially over text or AIM. I've gotten laid off, "I miss you" more than several times, due to it's sincerity. The truth is, we don't know the rest of the context in which he knows this girl. We don't know what he's said up to this point so all we are doing is speculating on possible solutions.

If he has done nothing but teasing and playful up to this point, then I would say he would need to be sincere now. If he was more serious earlier on then now he needs to be a little flirtacious and push away a little, then pull her back.

Im sure he knows the answer already but most guys tend to overlook what they are thinking because they start fearing that theyll push the girll out of their lives, but there is a point in time where that little AFC voice comes into use, and that is when you want a relationship. He knows the route he needs to take, hes the one that has the calibration for this conversation, not us, so all we can do is say, "Try this."

I agree that he has enough attraction, so since: attraction + comfort = seduction, and he hasnt slept with her yet. We can assume that we are either in the latter parts of comfort early parts of seduction. If you were skeptical about doing something you would need a little reessurance wouldnt you?

Well shes down for it, by this alone shes begging for it, "You have to understand though, I can't get involved because there is a high possibility of me moving away and I don't want to break your heart. I've been in that boat too many times." Text her something, anything and set up a meet up, then bounce to seduction location. BUT she actually hasnt had sex with him so her gaurd isnt fully down yet, and it wont be until he plays, "Just the tip, just for a little bit to see how it feels."

Hope this helps.

Great post. I agree.

Breezing
01-2008-26, 03:34 PM
Ok guys, here is an update on what's happening...

I basically told her that she won't hurt me by moving away and stopping the relationship because it will not be spontaneous and I won't have any bad feelings toward her afterwards. I told her that it will be a good memory that we both will cherish after she's gone. Next day I have received a text message from her saying how she thought of everything I have said and realized that she cannot hurt me. She explained that she was afraid because she started falling for me, but now she is not afraid.

Everything started going very well, until few days ago when we had another casual lunch date. The vibe was good, I was getting plenty of IOIs and kino, so I decided I needed to try to kiss close her. I did the whole "I am trying so hard not to kiss you right now" thing, but she said something like "You'll have to wait for that". I wasn't sure if she wasn't ready, trying to be hard to get, or maybe it's because she just recently had her wisdom teeth removed and was still in pain.

Next day she called me asking to go on a dinner date with her. While we were planning out the time and the place, I told her that I will pick her up at her place. She said that I should not do that because she would feel uncomfortable. She explained that she did not want to get attached to me which sounded kind of weird considering that she was the one who suggested going on another date. We had a good time afterwards. On the way back to our vehicles, we held hands but still, there was no evidence that she wanted a good night kiss so I did not even go for it.

So, I feel like I am going back to square one. She told me that she is going through some hard times right now with school and everything. She said that she is just freaking out because of too much stress. I know that she is in love with me, yet she contradicts herself by saying she doesn't want to get attached, then going on so many dates with me.

sdnightfly
01-2008-27, 04:05 AM
She needs a LOT of comfort. Life is stressful, it's not like the stress is going to disappear.

I'd prob. try to spend more evenings with her, even if it's less time. Lunch dates are fine, but they're not the best for trying to build into something more than hand holding.

I think she's contradicting herself, and whether anything will happen or not remains to be seen. Maybe she's thinking in the future that if you move to where she's at, or if she moves back, that will be the time. That time may never come though.

Sometimes the k-close should just be spontaneous... but just touching her should be just as affective. I also think some people are put off by k-closing after they eat.

If I'm comfortable, I am just more comfortable with putting my arm around her and being more in constant physical contact. I'd skip the dinner date altogether unless I was pressed for time, and then it would be a happy hour setting, noshing on whatever's half off.

Making yourself less available... "well I'm giving you some space because you've got all these things going on, I need to catch up on a few things, but call me if you want to get together later". I think you're putting some slight pressure on her and in a way it's added stress. That's what it sounds like to me.

Seduction is a breeze once you get there.I just think it's going to happen without thinking... but it's the comfort phase that needs more work. In this case, she's got things that aren't letting her be comfortable, so she's preoccupied. Her doing the talking and you doing the listening should help.


Ok guys, here is an update on what's happening...

I basically told her that she won't hurt me by moving away and stopping the relationship because it will not be spontaneous and I won't have any bad feelings toward her afterwards. I told her that it will be a good memory that we both will cherish after she's gone. Next day I have received a text message from her saying how she thought of everything I have said and realized that she cannot hurt me. She explained that she was afraid because she started falling for me, but now she is not afraid.

Everything started going very well, until few days ago when we had another casual lunch date. The vibe was good, I was getting plenty of IOIs and kino, so I decided I needed to try to kiss close her. I did the whole "I am trying so hard not to kiss you right now" thing, but she said something like "You'll have to wait for that". I wasn't sure if she wasn't ready, trying to be hard to get, or maybe it's because she just recently had her wisdom teeth removed and was still in pain.

Next day she called me asking to go on a dinner date with her. While we were planning out the time and the place, I told her that I will pick her up at her place. She said that I should not do that because she would feel uncomfortable. She explained that she did not want to get attached to me which sounded kind of weird considering that she was the one who suggested going on another date. We had a good time afterwards. On the way back to our vehicles, we held hands but still, there was no evidence that she wanted a good night kiss so I did not even go for it.

So, I feel like I am going back to square one. She told me that she is going through some hard times right now with school and everything. She said that she is just freaking out because of too much stress. I know that she is in love with me, yet she contradicts herself by saying she doesn't want to get attached, then going on so many dates with me.