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View Full Version : 3 DHV stories: requesting your feedback



CarllraC
11-02-2006, 10:55 PM
Alright guys, these are my first cracks at DHV stories. I think I have done a good job of conveying the requested attributes in a non-weird way, with the right amount of humor and unanswered questions. The main problem I perceive is that the subject matter may not be appropriate...no idea if these stories are 'cool' enough or not.
BTW, these are complete fabrications.
Pick them to pieces please!
Backpacking.
Attributes: leader of men, protecter of loved ones
Get this, this one time I was backpacking with two friends. We pitched our tents in a clearing deep in the forest and were cooking dinner, when something started just not feeling right. For some strange reason, I felt uneasy about the site we had picked, so I told my friends we were gonna re-pack all our gear and move camp further down the trail. That night, there was a storm, and as we were coming back the next morning, a douglas fir had fallen across the clearing, right where our tent had been pitched.
Concert:
Attributes: Preselection by women
I was meeting some friends to see Dave Matthews. We were driving there separately because I was driving back from a trip to Boston directly to the concert. The fucking idiots got pulled over for going over 100 mph and didn't even make it to the concert that day. So I'm hanging out with these random guys who I helped get their car out of the mud, and this girl comes up and mistakes me for this guy she knows. I think that was just her cheesy pickup line!! I started talking to her, and she called her two friends over. We had a few beers and partied a while, and I ended up staying the night in their tent, because my friends had all the gear and I had nowhere to stay. At like 3am I wake up to hear this giggling and this one girl Kelly was like "i'm gonna do it!!". Next thing I know, she's laying on top of me and kissing me and grinding on me! She was cool but I was not attracted to her. I had to hide in my blanket and make a fortress out of the pillows to get away! I swear, girls are sexual predators!!
Bar:
Attributes: leader of men, protector of loved ones, preselection by women
Yeah, two weeks ago I was in this bar with my crew, and we were talking to some girls who seemed pretty cool. This drunk guy comes up and starts grabbing one of them. She was pissed and started yelling at him, but he was being a total ass, I was in complete awe. Finally I took him aside and walked him to the back of the bar, by the restrooms. I'm like "take it easy dude, you gotta be a gentleman" and he breaks down crying on my shoulder! He was a SAD drunk, I felt sorry for him so I'm like "bro it's okay, have your buddies call you a cab". So he's leaning against the wall half passed out, half crying. Then I feel a hand on my ass and I was like "what the fuck"? The guy was trying to steal my wallet!

MassPanic
11-03-2006, 12:02 AM
When I think about DHV stories, I think about them like they are a newspaper article. All newspaper articles start with a catchy headline. Maybe something like "Saved by ESP" for the first one, like tabloid stuff. Then cut to important/intresting details, and focus on reactions and emotions. Also, once you have a title, you can start thinking of jokes, or funny lines that tie the story together, based on the title.
Just my 2 cents

sdnightfly
11-03-2006, 12:18 AM
I was meeting some friends to see Dave Matthews. We were driving there separately because I was driving back from a trip to Boston directly to the concert. The fucking idiots got pulled over for going over 100 mph and didn't even make it to the concert that day. So I'm hanging out with these random guys who I wound up chilling out with at a tailgate before the show, and this girl comes up and mistakes me for this guy she knows. Yeah...OK, sure! I was in a good mood so I played along. I started talking to her, and she called her two friends over. We had a few beers and partied a while, wound up hooking up again during the concert, saw an old high school buddy with hair down to his ass that used to be Mr health nut, trying to get me to down this stuff that looked like it would put me out! Show was great, girls were dancing with each other, good times... Dave kicked ass as usual (make sure you have setlist and the right place down) After the show because my friends had all the gear and I had nowhere to stay but they had a big tent (at a campground, in the parking lot?) At like 3am I feel something grab me and I wake up to hear this giggling sound and then goes "i'm gonna do it!!". Next thing I know, she's laying on top of me and grinding on me! And then I felt someone holding down my legs! I swear, girls are sexual predators!!

Gvision
11-05-2006, 07:03 PM
I was meeting some friends to see Dave Matthews. We were driving there separately because I was driving back from a trip to Boston directly to the concert. The fucking idiots got pulled over for going over 100 mph and didn't even make it to the concert that day. So I'm hanging out with these random guys who I wound up chilling out with at a tailgate before the show, and this girl comes up and mistakes me for this guy she knows. Yeah...OK, sure! I was in a good mood so I played along. I started talking to her, and she called her two friends over. We had a few beers and partied a while, wound up hooking up again during the concert, saw an old high school buddy with hair down to his ass that used to be Mr health nut, trying to get me to down this stuff that looked like it would put me out! Show was great, girls were dancing with each other, good times... Dave kicked ass as usual (make sure you have setlist and the right place down) After the show because my friends had all the gear and I had nowhere to stay but they had a big tent (at a campground, in the parking lot?) At like 3am I feel something grab me and I wake up to hear this giggling sound and then goes "i'm gonna do it!!". Next thing I know, she's laying on top of me and grinding on me! And then I felt someone holding down my legs! I swear, girls are sexual predators!!
IS THIS A TRUE STORY?:eek:

PimpJuice
11-05-2006, 10:23 PM
I am still working on my DHV stories. I used to want to find the "cool" and "most interesting" story to tel, but what I've learned its not what you say but how you say it. As for your stories...
Story 1-I don't know what a douglas fire is, but it doesn't seem believable. Maybe its just me.
Story 2-I like this one much better, but it seemed to be like you were bragging and the way you presented the last half of it made it come off as a little fake. I think you could change it around so it works much better.
Story 3-I actually liked this story a lot. I thought it was pretty funny, the part with the dude trying to steal your wallet was funny...I could definitely see this happening.

reefbreak
11-06-2006, 07:03 AM
Story 1-I don't know what a douglas fire is, but it doesn't seem believable. Maybe its just me.

i think he meant douglas fern, which i'm assuming is a tree

StraightEdge
11-06-2006, 08:33 AM
He said it right, Douglas Fir. It's a plant species. A large evergreen, I believe.
The first story is great. It's obviously not going to be a huge part of your routine, however its a nice spacefiller. It's funny and its believable. My buddy had a story like that (however it really happened). He's a marine and he was in Afganistan. He was in some truck that had a turret on each side. His buddy was on the left, him on the right. His buddy asked him to switch because he had always been on the left and he wanted a change (stupid, I know). His convoy came under a surprise attack and some kind of rocket nailed the right turret, fatally wounding his buddy 20min after they had switched. Even more ironic was later into the attack him, 2 of his fellow soldiers, and his commander were taking cover behind a flipped truck. His commander suggested taking higer ground despite the heavy fire all around them. They rushed out from behind the truck and behind a rock of some sort. They looked back to see a rocket hit the truck dead on. Lucky shit!
The second story is really good. However, I would suggest expanding it so you don't come off as bragging about the girl being all over you. Or, tell that story to a group (focus on the guys) instead of your target. You want it to seem like you are preselected, but you do not want to seem like you are bragging! Also, say the girl was drunk or something. To have a girl pounce on you in your sleep seems a bit unrealistic, although awesome!
The third story is great! Again, it's just a small spacefiller, but it serves it purpose well. It conveys that you are social without bragging and the ending will get you a laugh.
While we're on the topic, I've been working on a story as well (not true, unfortunately). Feedback, please. I'd start by asking about reccommendations for Spring Break destinations.
"Yeah, last year I went to Colorado, it was fun. The first night was kind of weird though. I went with my girlfriend at the time. (I go to school in Pittsburgh) See she lives back home in Philly. She decided college wasn't for her and she is pursuing a career in modeling. I don't get to see her much so the opportunity to spend Spring Break with her at her parents house, without her parents, in Colorado, for free, sounded awesome. So a few hours after we get there she suggests exploring the hot tub on her back porch... awesome! I was finishing up some show on TV and said I'd meet her in there in a minute. I get up to go outside and shes waiting for me in there. I come out in my suit with a towel and she smiles and says to me 'no... no suit'. Damn, I was gonna enjoy this trip! So I sacrificed what was left to the imagination and proceeded into the hot tub with her. She starts touching me and I say, 'hey babe - your gonna hafta get me liquored up first'. She says ok and makes her way back inside to grab some of her parents old liquor. Awesome! However when she went to turn the knob on the door it didnt turn. Wow! We were locked the fuck out! Here we are, completely naked besides our towels in the fucking mountains where its negative 1000 degrees and we are locked out. My gf remembers that her neighbors have a spare key to her parents place. But she doesn't want to go over to get it. She suggests breaking a window. I'm like 'no babe, we can't do that. Look - I'll get the key just tell me where to go. You can stay here in the hot tub.' She says it is to the left about a block. Actually, she was wrong and it was a block to the RIGHT! I figured this out after walked about a half a mile and had to turn completely around. I can see why college wasn't right for her, Ha!. Anways I finally get to the house and thankfully the neighbor was there. After much awkward and embarrassing explaining I obtained the spare key, went back, and found my gf on the couch. Her basement door had been unlocked. She figured this out right after I had left. What a crazy night!" ....and end of story

Arashi
11-10-2006, 11:20 AM
I haven't tried to come up with my own story so I feel like a dick saying this but it seems a bit dubious to me. The detail in the story is what makes me inclined to believe it. Stories are made believable by little details. It seems more like a funny anecdote to me rather than DHV. But what do I know.

divertimento
11-10-2006, 02:54 PM
Actually that one StraightEdge made up was quite good, yet I still think that the whole part about, "Let's get naked and drunk and my model gf is t'rying to seduce me" was a bit too much. It was too obvious, actually I think if you'd be more subtle on that part it would be great. and instead of saying how embaressed you are for walking around in a towel, try saying that you kept your head cool, you have a great body right? Talk about how women were constantly trying to get a sneak-peak if you know what I mean ;) It definitely shows that you're comfortable in your own body.
Just my 2cents...

soft
11-12-2006, 03:46 PM
Didn't read every response but for that concert thing I made up a similiar.
"
So I was roadtrippin' with a few friends and ended up in (insert place) where we set up our tent. We were out partying but I started hanging with two girls that we met at the caravan site/camping ground. So when we head back to the camping ground I remembered that we have this lock on our tent to prevent thieves, so I couldn't get in and were offered to sleep in their tent for the night. I were quite tired so I fell asleep quite quickly and suddenly I wake up hearing both of them giggling, and next thing I know one of them is laying on top of me trying to kiss me and the other one holding my feet and legs down. I get angry (add?: I had a girlfriend back then) and push them aside and leave their tent in my underwear [expect giggle], and I were quite lucky to see that my friends were back. I were almost raped that night, can you imagine?
"
What do you think of this? I mixed some of the material here. I think it's quite good!

gemineye
11-13-2006, 06:15 AM
I agree with, whoever it was I forget, the second one deff sounds like bragging which is totally see-through... especially the end. could finish with a simply ambiguos..; suddenly cut story, look up then down in rememberance, chuckle to yourself 'actually you know what women are such sexual predators..' HB;what wahy wateva.. you:'its just that I thought they were just being nice but then later..(trail off).. ahh fuck it never mind' -snap back into high energy and change the subject.
I really like the wallet one and will use it. might alter it to start out: 'in this club and these girls walk kinda rapidly up to me, one them has that'save me' look in her eye. you kno the kind of look that you(HB) might give to a guy friend when u want him to sweep in and pretend to be your B/F. sure enough this drunk guy follwed them over and continued to...
after story...'and the girls turned out to be pretty kl, she bought me a drink.. hey batman may be free but I got bills to pay yo! (jokey smiile style)
-insert clever self help limeric here-
LDN

StraightEdge
11-17-2006, 04:05 PM
I'm not embarrassed about my body. I'm embarrassed about showing up at her nieghbors, whom I didn't know, nearly naked!
Also, I was subtle! I never said I had a model gf. I said she was pursuing a career in modeling --> I use this as a reason to go on spring break with her..... bc I never see her.... and the modeling is the reason why. It makes sense to me. It doesn't sound like bragging. And skinny dipping in a hot tub seems pretty reasonable for a guy and his gf when they're alone on vacation. Am I missing something?