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View Full Version : I think I F'd up big time, i.e. best bud's EX



SinSear
11-01-2006, 10:56 PM
I've been gone all summer fighting forest fires and haven't had a chance to sarge (let alone see a woman) for nearly three months now. I just got back home last week and tried pathetically to get back into the swing of things at a few bars my first nights back. Let's just say it didn't go so hot.
Well, after reviewing all my material and notes, and reading up on the Mystery emails that have piled up since I've been gone, I decided what better night to get back in the game than Halloween. I followed all the suggestions, dressed up like an 80s rocker, had a few drinks and hit a major party at a ski resort. I was rocking out having a great time, but one drink led to another, then another, and the next thing I knew I was hooking up with this girl behind the stage.
The problem is that this girl is my best friend's ex, and they've only been broken up for a few weeks, not because they wanted to break up, but because HE had to move away for school. Now don't get me wrong, this girl is at least an 8.5 on my scale and totally into me. I don't know if it was the combination of staring at burnt trees for the last three months, the sexual backup or the hotness, but I think I made a major mistake.
She's telling me to play it off like this secret fling (the whole idea of it turns her on even more), but I feel horrible essentially cheating on my best friend. Should I tell him? Get his permission? Keep going with it but not get too attached to this idea?
It's crazy, it's sexy, but I think it's wrong. Your thoughts?

aafc
11-01-2006, 11:18 PM
dude, one of the good things about being good with women is that you dont have to fuck your best friends girl just to get laid. unless you're just sick of being friends with the guy, DONT. if he finds out (and he probably will) the chances are very good that it will make him uncomfortable or angy, and probably fuck up your friendship.
unless of course your friend's name happens to be snoop dogg. in which case it aint no fun if the homies cant have none.
DON'T tell him, dont ask his permission. he may give it, but he wont mean it. if "hooking up with this girl behind the stage" means you already hit it, stop now, be polite with her but let her know it has to remain a secret, never do it again, never get drunk and confess it to your bud, and hope she never tells him either.
just my 2 cents. some people maybe dont get so uptight about this sorta thing, but not the dudes i know.

Legion5
11-01-2006, 11:40 PM
I've been gone all summer fighting forest fires and haven't had a chance to sarge (let alone see a woman) for nearly three months now. I just got back home last week and tried pathetically to get back into the swing of things at a few bars my first nights back. Let's just say it didn't go so hot.
Well, after reviewing all my material and notes, and reading up on the Mystery emails that have piled up since I've been gone, I decided what better night to get back in the game than Halloween. I followed all the suggestions, dressed up like an 80s rocker, had a few drinks and hit a major party at a ski resort. I was rocking out having a great time, but one drink led to another, then another, and the next thing I knew I was hooking up with this girl behind the stage.
The problem is that this girl is my best friend's ex, and they've only been broken up for a few weeks, not because they wanted to break up, but because HE had to move away for school. Now don't get me wrong, this girl is at least an 8.5 on my scale and totally into me. I don't know if it was the combination of staring at burnt trees for the last three months, the sexual backup or the hotness, but I think I made a major mistake.
She's telling me to play it off like this secret fling (the whole idea of it turns her on even more), but I feel horrible essentially cheating on my best friend. Should I tell him? Get his permission? Keep going with it but not get too attached to this idea?
It's crazy, it's sexy, but I think it's wrong. Your thoughts?
Honestly your decision doesn't matter as long as you are congruent with it. :)
Just ask yourself, would you feel better keeping it a secret and keeping it up, or telling your friend?
The only advice I can offer is Don't lie, lying is for losers, but that doesn't mean you have to tell everyone everything.
I can tell you want to keep this a secret, so just do so unless directly asked.
Your problem is you don't feel congruent with it, DO, a girl would do the exact same thing as you did, and probably not tell anyone in your place.
Maybe if it was the best friend for 10 years. (BFF), but other than that she'd keep it a secret, and you should not feel guilty doing the same if you so WANT.
As for hitting it again, it's a toss up, do what you want, just don't be needy about it. :)

sdnightfly
11-01-2006, 11:51 PM
He's going to come back, hook up with her, he's thinking he's possibly going to get back together with her if it ended on somewhat good terms, and she's going to create some drama between you two.
You would have to be 100% positive that they're never going to talk to each other again, and it's always going to be a tense situation if he does decide to work it out with her. Or if he winds up with any other girl. I'd want to know if he hooked up with anyone, but in the future he's going to think you're going to make moves on any other gf he has.
If it's just been a few weeks (out of how long) it's not good. If you're going to do that you need at least a 6 month window, and the risk that you may lose your friendship over her. It happens a lot.
If they were broken up, there is nothing he can do about it, and there may have been IOIs when you were all hanging out. This doesn't count as cheating but it can hurt the friendship. She wasn't married to him.
Women want to pit men against each other so they can have one of them all to herself, or be the center of attraction. And I think that's what she's planning to do. Don't believe her that it's going to be a secret, but watch out if you tell him. She ain't going to be too happy with that. You may lose her, you may lose him as a friend, but sometimes being upfront is better.
It's not something you get permission for. You just have to figure it out based on what you know about him.
I would call and just say that you came back from your job, got way too drunk, made out with a bunch of girls, and she was there. You don't have to say you did anything, or didn't do anything. Not saying anything about it isn't lying. He might get the point. If he gets this tense sound in his voice, he's not over her. Do sound a little bit upset, don't start with a "hey buddy" being light. If he's casual about it then he might be over it. Some guys encourage their best friend to hook up with the girl but it's rare.
You want your friends to have your back, esp. your best friends. It's easier to get over your girl having a fling with someone you don't know or never met, but it's way harder when it's someone you know because you then have visuals of the two of them.
Alternate is that you and her hit it off great and he gives his blessing.
This is not an easy thing to deal with, and hopefully you learn from this one time and never repeat it later, like I said, if you do wind up with someone with a bf, make sure it's someone you don't know.
What you did was minor compared to what I did. One day I'll post it when I'm ready.

SinSear
11-01-2006, 11:58 PM
I agree with you and actually feel quite upset with myself that this happened. I too was once cheated on and heard the shitty excuse: "Oh I was drunk, sorry." It cuts deep. I guess I keep justifying it to myself for a couple reasons:
a) It was good
b) It's been awhile
c) We've always been close and she's always given me IOI's
d) They did brake up a few weeks ago
e) This is a new and exciting experience
While these are terrible excuses to justify ruining a friendship, basically I need to evaluate this from an ethical standpoint. He is my best bud, which is why I asked if I should tell him. These situations never end up well, so ending it IS the right choice, I just don't know what to do now.
This is a small ski town, and she's very persuasive. No more than 30 seconds after my first post, she called and told me she bought a new "Bedroom Outfit, " and asked if I wanted to come over and "see it." This girl's fucking with my head, and I love it as much as I hate it...

nasarius
11-02-2006, 12:42 AM
[edit] doh, wrong thread, sorry

IceNow
11-02-2006, 08:27 PM
this topic... I need to be honest so you will know from where is coming my thinking. I hate people that ruin a friendship for a girl, not matter how hot she is. There are millions of hot girls in the world. This kind of action ruined a friendship for sure. Its a delicate subject.

a) It was good
b) It's been awhile
c) We've always been close and she's always given me IOI's
d) They did brake up a few weeks ago
e) This is a new and exciting experience
While these are terrible excuses to justify ruining a friendship, basically I need to evaluate this from an ethical standpoint.
Of course these are lame excuses, you just need to remember your best friend, when he helps you... the good times that both of you have toguether... is a girl worth it to lose all that???
The ethical point here you know which is, you made a terrible wrong action for the friendship, you betrayed the confidence of a person, your best friend...

This is a small ski town, and she's very persuasive. No more than 30 seconds after my first post, she called and told me she bought a new "Bedroom Outfit, " and asked if I wanted to come over and "see it." This girl's fucking with my head, and I love it as much as I hate it...
You are letting her fuck with your head, if you have some balls and INTEGRITY you will end this situation and hope that your friend never know about this, because if he know about this, despite the fact that he could give you "permission" (never true), he will lose the confidence in yourself, and because of that there will be no more true friendship...
I cant believe people still prefer some girls instead of a friend... Sorry SinSear but I cant feel any empathy for yourself, what you did is unacceptable.
ICE:cool:

SinSear
11-02-2006, 11:04 PM
IceNow, it’s obvious that you’ve had some personal experience with this type of situation in your past, and it’s hurt you deeply. But you don’t need to reiterate the very point of this thread or say you hate me or people like me. I know I f'd up (that's why the thread is called, "I think I f'd up big time…" It was a drunken mistake that may have ruined a friendship, and that’s something I will have to deal with.
I turned to you guys for assistance not ridicule. This post was as much of a call for help as it was an eye-opener to the overly-anxious sarging we all, myself very much included, can get easily caught up in, and the repercussions of poor decisions.
We will all make errors in life, big and small, and we have to live with the consequences. You made a mistake by calling me out over “balls and integrity.? I'm a firefighter, I live my life by balls and integrity. You have no idea who or what I am, you’ve only read about what I’ve done in one instance of my life.
This forum was created to support each other in our growth to become better people, not cut others down for their shortcomings and faults in life. I’m sure you wouldn’t be so happy if I said I hate people that have your haircut or work where you do. Sure, it’s not something as terrible as a ruined friendship, but lets make solutions not enemies.

sdnightfly
11-03-2006, 12:02 AM
So what did her bedroom outfit look like?
If he knows that you're back in town and you don't have a girlfriend, and he knows his ex-girlfriend is partying (if they broke off on bad terms, they wouldn't be talking, if they broke up due to school, they prob. still are), chances are he's hoping nothing happened but prob. wouldn't be shocked if you tell him. Esp. if you were close to begin with. She may still talk to him and may have said she saw you at a party.
Rule of thumb between best friends: they don't let women ruin their friendship. There's no ring on her finger or his. It also depends how long they were together. It just makes for an uncomfortable time when he comes home on break and you and her are an item, and he might just avoid you altogether. Or he might just tell you that it's fine. I'd just call and see how things are going on his end and see if he brings it up because she said something, and all you need to do is say that you hung out with her, and leave it at that, just don't lie and say you didn't sleep with her if you did. But also realize you're also blowing any chances for her to have a relationship with him in the future. But if it's his first year away at school, if I was in your shoes, I'd hope he was hitting it with every college chick he could get his hands on and forget about his hometown honey.
Have you talked to him since the party?

IceNow
11-03-2006, 05:53 AM
IceNow, it’s obvious that you’ve had some personal experience with this type of situation in your past, and it’s hurt you deeply.
Yes you are right, has happened to me but with a not important girl (what was important to me was my friend attitude) and has happened to one of my best friends and he was really depressed for all the situation...

We will all make errors in life, big and small, and we have to live with the consequences. You made a mistake by calling me out over “balls and integrity.? I'm a firefighter, I live my life by balls and integrity. You have no idea who or what I am, you’ve only read about what I’ve done in one instance of my life.

Yes, you are a firefighter, you save lifes, that ok. Im not saying anything about your life in general, just about this situation, dont move my words for all your life, simply because I dont know it. And people can have balls and integrity in some part of their life, but not in others (for example, a man that run a foundation for children for free, but when he arrives home he punchs her wife) so, it doesnt matter that you save 100 lifes or trees or whatever, still you acted poorly in this situation, its inexcusable and you know it.

but lets make solutions not enemies.
You didnt do anything to me, why you have to be my enemy? this was my solution that I offered to you-------->

you will end this situation and hope that your friend never know about this, because if he know about this, despite the fact that he could give you "permission" (never true), he will lose the confidence in yourself, and because of that there will be no more true friendship...

Im just being honest, but as I said before I cant tell you words of sympathy, and if thats the case they wont be useful to you, because the only words that can make you feel better are the ones from your best friend...
ICE:cool: