View Full Version : Lets get her back!?!?

07-17-2017, 08:40 AM
Just came across this forum, figured lets gets some smarter people than myself to lend a hand :P

Now im not completely oblivious to the entire situation, as ill explain, however before I go to the next step I want as much advice as possible to avoid idiotic mistakes.

We have been together almost 2 years, in December she asked me to move in with her. Now she has owned her own house since she was 21 (we are both 30) and has never lived with another spouse before.
I currently have considerable debt (around 15k) which she knew about and I never hid, and never shyd away from the fact that clearing the debt is my number 1 priority, and thus cant go over the top with outings gifts etc etc.

I work a very stressful hard to deal with job, decent pay, I work mon-fri but from usually 2am-10am. She is an executive assistant with a regular 8-4 hours, we make roughly the same (i was recently promoted).

So now that the backstory is out of the way...

I essentially know what happened...I move in...and suddenly the "oh I cant wait to see eachother on wednesday" now turns into "oh hes always there", as in, I come home, I may do stuff during the day, but by 5pm when she gets home im there, either making dinner, playing video games etc, basically relaxing as Ill be heading to bed shortly.

A few comments ive heard were "well you have all day to do..." or "you couldve done this today..." in relating to a variety of tasks. Mostly around the house things (not typical dishes, cleaning) im talking like.... oh I dunno, making her a new flower garden, stuff that, as someone who came into HER home, I wouldnt dare to make decisions/changes without her first basically telling me to...

"well you should know that this would be better"

ok...how? You ave lived here for 10 years.

Anyhoo...So factor in her seeing my in a "tired/blah" state mon-fri didnt really help, ontop of us being tight on money, we sorta fell into a routine that many new couples do...make dinner..watch some tv...bed

The excitement fizzed I suppose...its hard to "miss" eachother when they are always there.
Its also unfair of me, and I shouldve taken a step back to slow down and think before moving in, but I should have taken care of my own shit (debt) before coming into her home..unable to be an equal 50/50 on everything (id pay rent...but didnt come close to covering 50% of the costs)

Ive been rather blah the last few months...looking for a second job to help pay off the debt quick has turned up to no avail (one that works with my current hours), my mother is..well an alcoholic, and lives not far, so ive been pissed off/stressed about her...old friends have moved away, my "going out buddies"...some of the friends at work I thought I had, were basically lost when I became their boss... then the slow decline of our relationship

all have put me in a rather blah state of mind...which naturally rubs off on her over time.
I became needy...clingy (which in the moment you never notice)...id be bored and unhappy at home, but as soon as she would get in from work id be all over her! Id be happy to see her, to kiss her etc...however now I see I became basically dependent on her...and as I said, needy.

when watching tv one dinner I snuggle up and go in for a kiss...she sorta backs off and sighs "my god your so needy" in a sortve...playful? way...

Looking back, such a dagger of a statement, shouldve been met with my immediate 180 in behavior...shame on me.

So one friday she comes home and basically says...
"Im unhappy... what do you want in life? Where do you see yourself in 5 years? Im un happy when I walk in, and it hurts me that you just want to see me, but I make you unhappy" etc

I cry... I ask why....how...what could I do? etc etc (all of which I KNOW is amazingly unattractive to do...however in the moment...) I sulk....Then I remember, it clicks...everything ive been doing, the situation, my attitude, I see and understand how/why she came to feel the way she feels.

I say "Im leaving, ill find a place" and I leave, packed the essentials...and has been no contact since. Currently staying at my lovely alcoholic mothers house only 2km down the road...however ill have a place for Sept with a buddy.

So, enjoy my story...heres where the help comes in...Its been 3 weeks, eventually we have to talk as I still have a lot of my stuff in her place, and I do know (as her friend reached out to me) that "I wish he was as he used to be, before he moved in"...aka the complete opposite of who I became.

Shes very athletic...I was "too tired" to workout, or run, or bike, or play sports (all of which I used to do before this job)

So these 3 weeks ive been running daily, biking when I can, doing workouts at home (im not overweight or anything just...more muscle wouldnt hurt haha) and im in a much more happy/positive outlook. Im doing the typical "take care of yourself so she becomes attracted to you again" approach.

Regardless of what happens, im moving out. It can only benefit the relationship, otherwise im sure things wont change.

But what to say...how to say it...how to "talk about things" without saying- Hey lets talk about things! lol

I was thinking of something like..a story to draw her attention (read on a ex-back forum or something)

-Hey the funniest thing just happened. I went for a jog this morning...and I went to pass an old lady and a wiener dog...but when running by the dog....

first msg...see if she replies "what happened?"
or send her "Hey you following along/Ready for this?"

Then- The dog lunged to try to bite me, i jumped like a scared cat and lost my balance and fell right in a puddle"

See what she says...then lead into "Hey I go for a jog nightly, we should go for a short walk sometime :)"

Which essentially implies the- lets talk
whichever night she suggests Ill say Im busy/have plans

Then go from there...suggestions? Questions?

Thanks for whoever reads the novel regardless...but its noon and apparently I do nothing :P

Mariano BA
08-21-2017, 12:08 PM
Dude, I went through the exact SAME thing as you do. Thatīs how I eneded here. Two and a half year relationship. For 2 yrs she came to my place. Everything was beyond perfect. This last march I sold my property and actually invited myself to her place. Then I began to give her orders in her own house. I was finishing a post-graduate program so I had to study and was a little bit stressed. I was completely uncofortable on her home since I didnīt have the basic confort I had in my home. Since i was very upset for the whole thing we began to fight more than often. Last month I invited her on a trip to the caribean but she couldnīt get the days from work. At the last minute she could get some days but at that point I arranged a mini-trip by myself with her approval. Anyways she was pissed. While I was in my trip she went out with a bitchy friend of hers to see a band and uploaded a pic with the singer. I lost it and I began to tell her it was completely inapropiate, so I told her we were done that as soon I came back I was packing my shit. When I came back I told her I loved her, but she was mad, and told the last months we were fighting a lot and that the best thing was so split. I know she fell in love with me, but as you said in you own post it seems like the spark began to fade away since I was always on her home since I work from my computer. Bottom line is that I want to get back with her so my doubt is if to contact her or take the classic route of going no contact and all the things stated in the classic post about Killing Beatrice and how to get an ex back. At this point I already moved from her place and we havenīt spoke or texted in a week. I still donīt know what the best thing is right now. Iīm afraid if I do not contact her she will think I donīt want to fight for her and she might end up in the arms of another guy. She told me that she felt in love with me but she was very upset by the fact I went to the trip alone and I was the one breaking up with her.