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View Full Version : First Love 7 Year LTR Over - Please share Insights



alekzander
12-27-2016, 05:56 PM
After reading Savoys break-up stuff I felt I should post this as an exercise for myself and to see if anyone had insights that may further my growth or maybe something I didn't consider. Any further recommendations or action steps are appreciated. Sorry for the long text but it's a good story.

Here it goes:

I was 18, she was 17. We were both virgins [and still each other's only lay to this day] I actually didn't like her personality much, but I wanted to get laid and she was in my social circle. Played out well logistically. I had no idea what I was creating at that point in time. I had no idea about the relationship we would begin to create.

We are both very attractive people [looks and status] and said we were waiting for something special. I now can admit it was fear that held me back then. Something in the comfort of our "meaningful" status kept me in it for too long, I was a pussy and couldn't break it off when I felt it was right/necessary. I truly believed ignorance was bliss. As the years went by I began to visualize a future with her. Marriage and kids even. I could see past her flaws - the innate distinctions in our personalities, even when I knew we never "vibed" well. We did share many hobbies/habits - exercising, eating well, working hard towards our goals etc. I believed that if I continued to see past what was there, that I could create happiness and love - and I did - at a cost.

She was always much more madly in love with me than I was of her, at least for the first few years. She worked hard and would do anything for me. I was working hard to, and I knew that I should reciprocate her love similarly - I just figured I could do in other ways than what I now know she needed. Our relationship looked great on paper - both families very happy for both of us, and liked us a lot. During the routine of the day we were happy. Only when we sat across on the couch from each other in the evening and had nothing much to discuss did our differences and unhappiness truly show. Small talk was boring - and she never much of "deeper thinker" like I would consider myself. She was happy with the simple things and the drama, whereas I liked to tumble down the rabbit hole of thought.

In the last 2-3 years I began working full-time after full-time school. I became the responsible boring type. She still worked hard but didn't have much to show for it. Her having a seasonal job gave a good twist of us not seeing each other as much during the summer months [4-5 days on/off]. Even in her off season she usually worked a conflicting schedule. I think these small breaks helped keep us going. The appreciation of not seeing each other made the reconnections slightly more meaningful and heated.

And then there was the sex. We fucked like rabbits pretty much our whole relationship - once or twice a day - except maybe the last 6 months. We also both smoked pot quite a bit, which made the sex awesome. This is the whole ignorance is bliss part. Two attractive people with no context or comparisons to hold to ourselves made it all that much better, all that much easier to continue on. Never even used a condom yet. Birth control the entire relationship - cumming in her [I]every damn time. I made her cum well, I always tried to be a passionate lover - she was beautiful so I obviously enjoyed myself. It's very hard to think of her being with someone else - and same with me being with someone else. But this is something I will get over - everyone else has had to right? We also never cheated on each other. I had many opportunities - but was able to say no. I'll never know for sure but I truly believe she didn't cheat on me. She said she never even kissed another guy. Our sex life was very good until the end.

About 2 years ago her godfather was murdered in her house - by her sister's new BF [another story in itself.] She had to move as it was his house - and I was beginning to look for a place. We decided moving in together was a logical next step. 5 years seemed about right. We both didn't want to jump into a marriage, into a "contract" - as we both had family with failed marriage and are quite young still. [Or maybe we knew we weren't 100% happy?] So we got a place quickly as she had to get out at a certain date.

This is when it things began to break down. We now sat on the couch next to each other quite a bit. The pot smoking became habitual and more routine as we suffocated our emotions in smoke. I forgot that attraction fades - I stopped being spontaneous and fun. I didn't really like her friends. Drama Drama Drama. Not even good drama - just he said she said stuff. Honestly boring. When I drank I began to scold her and I guess my sober thoughts would manifest. About 6 months ago we had a big fight and I told her I wanted to break-up. Waking up beside her the next morning I told her I was sorry - that I thought it was worth making an attempt to solve things. I lied to her and myself. Only her breaking up with me would be the way this relationship would end. I couldn't man up to how I felt. I spent so little time around other women that I forgot what life had in store.

I had brainwashed myself so well into thinking this was a good as it gets, and became so "beta" the past year. Even my friends would ask why I stopped going out. And my family asked why I didn't call. I believe I had suffocated my ability to love behind this mirage of a relationship. I was indeed in dark times. I started smoking [pot and cigars] more - something that was a once a weekend deal became a daily one. I stopped exercising. I lost a lot of weight and strength. I stopped everything that made me who I was. I started playing more and more videogames. Locking myself up with mindless animations, fake accomplishments. I even stopped helping out around the house. Taking the garbage out became some sort of weird undoable task. She would come home in the evening after work and I would be sitting there on the computer - looking at stocks or playing some game. Hadn't lifted a finger all day. The day went Work - Home - Pot - Smoke - Waste Time until she got home and then I might help a bit with dinner - than sex and bed. Although I would usually stay up late reading some nonsense on reddit. Bad sleeping habits from smoking and school.

It wasn't just me either. She made bad decisions in the "responsibility" realm of life. Putting herself into debt to go on vacation with her step sister. Owning a car that was too expensive. Not pursuing a further education or at least a way to earn more. I had to cover her rent for almost 6 months. Also her lack of interest in me didn't help. She had zero interest in my stock trading journey or possibly working together, any general aspirations towards the future. I helped convince her to go back to school. To start on some sort of path. But she took it slow and un-passionately, at least in my opinion. Our differences began to shine brighter and reveal themselves.

She would just sit on couch quietly while I smoked cigars - sipping a glass of wine and smoking pot. It was amazing we both accomplished what we did with all the pot. I still maintain my good career but probably at some cost that will arise in my old age. Looking back I'm flabbergasted at what I created in the past year and a bit. I may have subconsciously pushed her out. Becoming so unattractive she knew and felt it.

[I]So here we are

It's been almost six weeks since she packed her clothes and left. She came home to me playing games and a dirty kitchen and said she was confused and didn't know if she still loved me. She recently had her birthday and ol' Mother Time had given her the scare. Was this it? Was this what we had become? Is this what we were now creating? I knew what I had become. It killed my inside that this was it.

It led me back here. I picked up magic bullets again for the first time in 8 years and it all clicked. I read Savoy's "Get your ex back post" [and most important point - is she worth it?] and many classic writings in that section of this board. It all made sense. At this moment she wasn't worth it to me and I wasn't worth it to her. Whatever led me to the behaviour I exhibited over the past while was a manifestation of our unhappiness. At first I said I was sorry. And I am. No one deserves that shit. That self loathing garbage and generic waste of time that was our relationship over the past year.

But I after a few days I felt lighter. Reading all the high quality post's from the LS instructors put it all together. And I had a reason, a catalyst for change. I instantly have done a complete 180 in the past 6 weeks. And although part is to show her that I'm sorry and willing to change, it is mostly for me. It wasn't just the reading either. I took immediate action.

I instantly made a few list of things I wanted to do, start, finish, buy and accomplish in all aspects of my life. Savoy said something had to change. I decided everything would need to change. I've grabbed life by the reigns again. It actually amazing how little time we have when we are working towards goals. I can now keep myself busy until late in the night without smoking, games and TV.

Fitness: Lifting Weights 3+ a week, Start doing Yoga at work at lunch, Snowboarding again, and starting MMA
Health: Almost completely cut out smoking pot and cigars [I will admit I smoked some when drunk but I've been 99.9% good at not smoking, which made me feel a LOT better instantly] I also have not had any junkfood at all
Responsibility: Cleaned my house from top to bottom. Bought and fixed all the little things I've been putting off for a year. Initiated new projects to use my PC as a business tool rather than gaming station + no gaming at all. Beautified my home as it was a hodge podge of random stuff. Started meal prepping and buying only high quality food. No more wasteful spending at lunch time. Budgeting and investing.
Relationships: Spent a lot of time with family over the holiday. Reconnected with old friends. Making an effort to make time for friends and people outside my social circle. Getting out more in general as I've been in a shell.[They say they've 100% noticed a change in my demeanor]
Career: Pursuing the necessary next steps to earn more at my current job and currently brainstorming new career paths I may find more engaging or as a side job.
Women: Practicing day game and reading magic bullets etc. Trying to open and transition more with beautiful women. Overcoming the approach anxiety i've habitually formed the past few years from not talking to as many women. Also bought some new clothes as I realised my wardrobe and style had become a bit stale.

I want to say we did have good times. We went through a lot together. It may seem I speak only negative of her but for majority of our relationship she was someone I could always count on, someone I truly trusted and someone who loved me unconditionally. We've been good friends and amazing lovers for 7+ years. I will never ever forget the good times we had.

So that's it. I don't really think we'll be getting back together, and I'm not sure If I want to. I wouldn't mind trying the sober life with her. It's all still quite fresh still so time will tell. I went no contact other than logistical text's regarding her stuff. She recently came over to discuss the logistics of moving her stuff and her jaw dropped when she saw the house and me. Supposedly she even told her mom and sister and she even text me christmas day saying she wanted to talk. I'm not sure how that'll go as the next day she said she was just drunk [maybe damage control on her part]. But that's not really important. I am sober again and in charge of my future again. I am 25, happy again, and have the world at doorstep.

I think all I need to know now is if it's her being gone - or me being sober and taking charge of my life. Can we create happiness? or will the attraction we shared be gone forever? Was what we had actually special? Maybe we both needed to make a harder effort? Thanks to anyone who has read this far and has any words of wisdom.

I want to say thank you to Savoy and the LS team for their genuine insights, and my friends who listened to me when my world came crashing in. I also wanted to say I'm sorry to her. That I'm sorry that I helped waste both our time and younger years. Sorry that I was such a pussy and should have been true to myself and not self-destructive. Hopefully this will be an experience I look back on positively- as a catalyst for growth. I will always cherish and have love for her. She was always be my first love and that can never be replaced.

PS: How do you guys think I should deal with her leaving me with the lease [6 months left]? She's kinda been a bitch and irresponsible about it but I know shes much more financially stretched than me. Maybe let her off easy and cut my losses?

Thanks, Alek