View Full Version : Fiance broke up

07-16-2016, 05:40 AM
My ex fiancÚ and I broke up 3 weeks ago, due to a drawn out period of her moving her stuff out we've had limited contact.

Relationship: we have a large age gap. She's 24 I'm 38. We started dating 3.5 years ago and things went pretty fast. She went straight from living in her dads basement suite to moving in within me within a few months. After about 6 months of living together she started showing signs of depression and anxiety that I previously didn't realize for what they were. She quit her job and then spent some time in and out of jobs. I've helped/encouraged her to get counselling and have supported her through out her battle. A year ago I made a decision to stick with her knowing it would be a life long battle and we got engaged. She has improved a little but is still unmotivated. She rarely helps around the house even when she's home all day. I would say the effort in the relationship was 60/40 my side. I know she loved me but at times she hated herself and wasn't motivsted to put in the effort she should have. She went from planning our wedding to breaking up within a month.

Breakup: after a fight one day I asked her if her feelings had changed and she said she felt like we were just friends and she just realized a few days ago. I told her we weren't friends and that she had to leave. We've since had a heart to heart and she told me I felt cold and was falling out of love with her. I admit her lack of self help was building animosity and I did go cold. Our sex life suffered because I wasn't attracted to a couch potatoe. I drew back hoping she would realize and put in more effort. She told me she feels like she never got to experience her early 20's and never got that life experience. She rebounded already and slept with a guy hoping it would help her move on but admitted it made things worse and she plans on being single whole she works her shit out. She also expressed she needs to work on herself before she can be what I or anyone needs which I agree. She is going to regularly see her counsellor now and wants to stay in touch with me. I told her I think we both need space to heal and maybe then we can try and be friends, date, or just cut ties.

Since then I've started working on myself, started guitar lessons, working out regularly and spending more time with friends. We discussed maybe seeing a movie we both were excited for in 3 weeks.

I know she needs time to work on herself but I still want a romantic relationship with her. Will NC work at this point, should I try dating her after NC or is this all too late.

07-16-2016, 06:50 AM
I think you need to continue to work on yourself & meet other people & let her figure her stuff out. Waiting & hoping that she pulls herself together is not the healthiest thing you can do for yourself as it may never happen. I would cut the string & meet other people.

Northern Lights
07-16-2016, 09:35 AM
Sounds like she did you a favor by moving on. You need to move on a find a girl who has her act together. Really, would you want her to be a mother to your children?
The older she gets, the less physically attractive she will likely be to you.

That may sound a bit harsh, but you sound like a guy who has good intentions. There are well adjusted, attractive women out there for you who will enhance your life,
but you have to give them a chance by moving on. Good Luck!

07-16-2016, 11:39 AM
Thanks for the advice guys. I think I know this, just having a hard time moving on when I thought long and hard about my commitment before asking her to marry me. Looking back almost every occasion we celebrated was accompanied by a card from her saying she didn't deserve me and would try to be a better girlfriend. I've had that same though about her mothering my kids, so that hit home. I don't think I'm perfect, but I think I did all I could do in our relationship without her being able to match it.

08-18-2016, 06:26 PM
I'm sorry I lost you at "she slept with another guy". Drop her.

08-23-2016, 05:34 PM
What are her circle of friends like, does she party with them or are they longtime friends she gets together with here and there for dinner and drinks?

It comes down to going from being taken care of to sharing responsibilities. Maybe it was too much for her.

She needs to go through a phase of having roommates or getting her own place, paying her own bills before you considering living with her again.

09-03-2016, 02:13 AM
You should forget her. Move on.