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JSS
03-22-2016, 01:43 PM
Hey guys,

just wanted to hear some different perspectives on my situation to understand better what's going on and how to handle it.

My fiancee and I have been together for 3.5 years now, living together for 2.5 and engaged for 1.5. We have always had our ups and downs and sometimes said we would break up but none of us really wanted a breakup and after talking we always made up. We have also been discussing about having kids and actually had concrete plans (taking vitamins etc).

One year ago I started in a new job which requires me to work too many hours, so I stopped spending a lot of time with her. Also many times I got angry with her I just left from home. The thing with my work is that it's a very bad environment that got me really depressed, so there were times I didn't have the strength to do anything. I was always in a bad mood and the relationship declined. While I was hoping that she would understand what I'm going through and support me she never really understood the extent of the problem.

Some time ago she told me she was losing attraction for me and she felt we weren't living our lives. From that moment I tried to go out with her much more, pick up new activities that we could do together etc. She started saying that she felt very nice being with me. One week ago she left for a conference and we said that when she would come back we would try to conceive.

During the conference she stopped talking to me and when she came back she said that she decided it's time to end the relationship and that it was going nowhere.
She said that she felt very nice at the conference, like she lived her life more than she had during the last years with me. She said she knows she wouldn't find anyone as kind and caring as me but that she didn't feel any attraction and that right now she just wanted to live her life, fall in love and just feel attraction.
She seemed to be very detached, didn't shed a single tear. I decided to move out of the house. The same day I moved out she wrote to me asking how I feel and she told me she feels sad and lost, but I fear that's only because of her guilt and because she doesn't want to hurt.

We haven't spoken since (2 days). I would really like to understand how a woman who is saying she feels great being with me and planning to have a kid would become so adamant about breaking up within a week. We had a very deep connection with her, respect, understanding and common goals, so I'm confused about how she could throw all this in the dustbin so easily.

For the moment I'm trying to keep myself busy, going out with friends and not contacting her at all. However I feel I need a resolution. I would really want her back in my life but I also feel that she wouldn't be willing to consider us getting back together at this point, let alone discuss about things that would need to be fixed.

I am a bit torn between keeping no contact and sending her a simple message like "how are you".
If you have any insight about her behavior it would help: do you really think that she could go from wanting a baby to wanting to break up within a week? Could she really be over me so easily?

Thanks!

smoothopscallofbooty
03-23-2016, 11:04 PM
JSS,

Sometimes we never get the resolution or closure we hope for.

Good thing you're here looking for support. I got some really good advice from this forum after a really nasty breakup back in 2011. My gf and I had been living together 3 years when I left...best decision I ever made. Even better when I went no contact (relationships can make ppl crazy). No contact will help you detox from the disappointments and get you back in touch with your own willpower and resilience.

Sounds like you think it started around a year ago? Interruptions in routine is bad for relationships. However, a good woman will help build up her man. A selfish woman...not so much. Sounds like she's kind of passive aggressive, or contemptuous. Either way, these both are relationship killers. It appears she'd been looking for an exit for a while...and maybe even met someone at the job/conference (shit happens). But this doesn't sound like a woman you want...unless you're masochistic. I'd stick to my gut, and mine is telling me your fiance is in princess mode right now. I don't see how she could go from the lifelong commitment to a child, to the unforeseeable future of "attraction." Maybe you two had other problems, or maybe she had problems to begin with.

But, she's already moved on (and so have you). Forget reciprocity, she's already voiced you aren't giving her what she wants, so follow thru with your move...away from her.

Some tips to staying healthy in mind, body, spirit:

Work out - exercise has been shown to increase happiness in men and it rubs off on others.

Eat healthier - many foods can put you in a bad state mentally and emotionally. There's a reason why people binge eat...don't be that guy. Water, fruits, veggies (esp. Celery), cut back on alcohol and processed foods.

Pick up a new hobby.

READ!!! Mix a little fiction with non fiction everyday if possible.

Open sets, go out on dates, meet new women...there is better out there. Get better...but it's all on you! Nobody else is gonna be more vital to your recovery than you.


Sent from my SM-G920T using Tapatalk

smoothopscallofbooty
03-23-2016, 11:08 PM
P.S. if you're part of a group of friends or in a social/hobby club...attend more functions. If you're not part of one...join one.

Sent from my SM-G920T using Tapatalk

JSS
03-24-2016, 12:01 AM
Thanks smoothopscallofbooty, that's a nice piece of advice and I'm indeed trying to go out, exercise and spend time working on my issues (job etc).

The truth is that we both made mistakes in the relationship and behaved in an immature way on many occasions.
In any case the breakup has helped me realize a lot of things about my life and my goals.
However I still feel I want to have this woman in my life, we have always had a deep bond as friends before and after dating and none of us wants to lose that. At some point the attraction faded out (I was feeling the same in the past for a while) but that's also due to mistakes that I made. So overall I don't have bad feelings towards her.

I called her yesterday and asked how she is. We had a cheerful conversation, we both were laughing and it felt good.
She told me she feels not that good in general and was asking how I spend my evenings. She seemed to be very willing to talk even if she had a ton of work to do and said she was very glad to hear from me. I cut it short and I'll wait to see if she will show any interest next.

She's leaving for 2 conferences in a row (I'm also going to a different one) so we'll unavoidably be spending ~3 weeks apart. Hope this will give us both time to really understand what we both want (although it's clear that for her it's much less clear than for me :-)) and when she comes back who knows how things will be. Meanwhile I'm working on getting back my attractive, confident self that I was when she fell for me

smoothopscallofbooty
03-24-2016, 04:59 AM
JSS,

I understand you're wanting to keep it going, but remember, you could very well end up in the same boat later on down the line. It's not about bad feelings, it's about being realistic. The main thing to remember is to focus on the idea of doing this for your own personal growth and development. Don't improve for her, improve because you want to see better every day you look in the mirror.

Later

Sent from my SM-G920T using Tapatalk

QueenBee
03-27-2016, 05:54 AM
Break ups don't always take the first time. Sometimes people who've been together a long time can't do the cold turkey approach. It can become more like a weaning process. It took about a year to fully detach from my ex-husband of ten years. It took five before I remarried. Our contact continued because we have a child.

Since, you do not, I would be cautious and realistic about what might happen. You are both going to feel lonely and miss each other. But, one of you is going to let go first...when you meet someone else. If you're still in touch thinking you're going to get back together and she's still in touch just till she meets that guy who she finds attractive, you're just delaying- possibly compounding- the hurt you're going to feel when that happens.

The time apart will be your guide. If contact dwindles as you move on with your new lives, it's best to completely move on. If the time apart makes you realize you should take those serious steps and get married and start having children, you're going to need to make sure you've corrected the issues with your job and become that guy she was initially attracted to.

Good luck in love :)
QueenBee

JSS
04-04-2016, 01:19 AM
Thank you all.
I'm trying to put back my life together (which is quite hard after 3 years of living with someone else).
I'm searching for an apartment and going out with my friends every day, I exercise and I found a new hobby.
Did this help? I don't know. Currently I miss her more each day that passes.

She has contacted me on her own initiative 2-3 times. She was quite friendly, asking about the places I've been to,
how I am and telling me that she remembered of the times that we were working together and that she liked it.

I've also initiated contact 2-3 times, keeping it short and playful. Her response differs from time to time.
The last 2 times I told her to chat on skype she gave me an excuse that she didn't have time. So I can't really
understand if she wants to keep contact, cut contact completely (probably not since she initiates sometimes), keep
me hanging around till someone better comes along or still battling with her feelings.

I'll try to cut back on the contact now and she if she approaches me. This is really hard on me cause we were
best friends, telling each other things that noone else knew about, so it's important for me to have her in my life.
I also don't want to seem as if I'm pushing her into something she doesn't want.

I wish I could understand how she could go from making so many plans about our future and saying how nice a time she was
having with me and what a great father I would be to seemingly losing all of the feelings that she had within a week...

I guess I shouldn't pressure her until she's ready to open up...

JSS
04-11-2016, 07:14 AM
Another week has passed...
I didn't contact her at all during the last week but she wrote me 3 times on skype.
It's a strange thing cause she works with a woman from my country already for 1 year and hadn't bothered to introduce me until now. Now she keeps talking to her about me all the time, saying that it would be good if we collaborate. She also asked if I would go to the conference that she arranged for me to go and said she would be very glad if I would.
Sometimes she doesn't even bother to ask how I am and when I asked once about her she said she is ok, busy with her work.

One day, last week, she passed by where I work (it's a big lab so she also comes there sometimes) and asked me if I wanted to meet her.
We had coffee and chatted for about half an hour. She was wearing makeup (which she usually doesn't) and a scarf that I bought for her some time ago. When she saw me she said I changed my style (referring to a new coat that I bought). She was asking what I would do for the Easter holidays, how my work is etc. She also asked if I started going to the gym. Overall it felt a bit awkward, like we were not-so-close colleagues who just start hanging out together.

This week she is going to another conference (at the place where we first met and where we were working together) and will be super busy. I'm moving to my new apartment tomorrow.
I'm thinking to keep NC this week. When she comes back I guess we would need to discuss about closing our common account
and me getting the rest of my things from her place. I'm thinking to not tell her yet that I'll be living close to her unless she explicitly asks.

It seems that there is interest from her side, since she keeps contacting me, but it's clear that she wants to keep a distance.
I have the impression that NC would help us both, however I also fear that since she was raised up thinking that men should always do the first step, she must be keeping track of how many times she contacted me and how many times I didn't contact her and she could interpret my lack of contact as indifference.

I was also thinking to send her a short message and say good luck for her talk and ask if there are any interesting news from our old job. I'm afraid though that even something like this might come off as needy.

Tenmagnet
04-11-2016, 08:57 AM
Hey man, I'm really sorry to hear about your breakup.

Let me try and help you where I can.


My fiancee and I have been together for 3.5 years now, living together for 2.5 and engaged for 1.5. We have always had our ups and downs and sometimes said we would break up but none of us really wanted a breakup and after talking we always made up. We have also been discussing about having kids and actually had concrete plans (taking vitamins etc).

One year ago I started in a new job which requires me to work too many hours, so I stopped spending a lot of time with her. Also many times I got angry with her I just left from home. The thing with my work is that it's a very bad environment that got me really depressed, so there were times I didn't have the strength to do anything. I was always in a bad mood and the relationship declined. While I was hoping that she would understand what I'm going through and support me she never really understood the extent of the problem.


Your relationship sounds like it's been weak for quite a long time. You might have been thinking that things were OK because she wasn't complaining or threatening to breakup with you, but apathy and a lack of passion are almost as bad for a relationship as fighting and conflict.

Depression is especially hard on relationships. I know it's hard for the depressed person, but it's also really hard dating a depressed person. Not to cast blame but just to let you know what she might be experiencing.


Some time ago she told me she was losing attraction for me and she felt we weren't living our lives. From that moment I tried to go out with her much more, pick up new activities that we could do together etc. She started saying that she felt very nice being with me. One week ago she left for a conference and we said that when she would come back we would try to conceive.

That's good that you started to be more active and take the initiative in your life and your relationship. That sort of action is the kind of thing that is good for relationships and good for your own wellbeing.

The mistake you made here was in doing this *reactively*. You shouldn't have to have your partner tell you you're "not living your life" before you go out and do things. It should be coming from you.



During the conference she stopped talking to me and when she came back she said that she decided it's time to end the relationship and that it was going nowhere.
She said that she felt very nice at the conference, like she lived her life more than she had during the last years with me. She said she knows she wouldn't find anyone as kind and caring as me but that she didn't feel any attraction and that right now she just wanted to live her life, fall in love and just feel attraction.


I know this might hurt, but my guess is that she met someone at this conference that she had a spark with.


One day, last week, she passed by where I work (it's a big lab so she also comes there sometimes) and asked me if I wanted to meet her.
We had coffee and chatted for about half an hour. She was wearing makeup (which she usually doesn't) and a scarf that I bought for her some time ago. When she saw me she said I changed my style (referring to a new coat that I bought). She was asking what I would do for the Easter holidays, how my work is etc. She also asked if I started going to the gym. Overall it felt a bit awkward, like we were not-so-close colleagues who just start hanging out together.

There's a glimmer of hope here - she wants to know if you've CHANGED. Have you improved your style? Have you been going to the gym? Have you been TAKING ACTION or sitting on your butt being depressed? The implication here is that if you've been taking action she would like it.



This week she is going to another conference (at the place where we first met and where we were working together) and will be super busy. I'm moving to my new apartment tomorrow.
I'm thinking to keep NC this week. When she comes back I guess we would need to discuss about closing our common account
and me getting the rest of my things from her place. I'm thinking to not tell her yet that I'll be living close to her unless she explicitly asks.

It seems that there is interest from her side, since she keeps contacting me, but it's clear that she wants to keep a distance.
I have the impression that NC would help us both, however I also fear that since she was raised up thinking that men should always do the first step, she must be keeping track of how many times she contacted me and how many times I didn't contact her and she could interpret my lack of contact as indifference.

I was also thinking to send her a short message and say good luck for her talk and ask if there are any interesting news from our old job. I'm afraid though that even something like this might come off as needy.

Here's your game plan:

Step #1: Work on your depression.

This is the most important thing. You were depressed, and you probably still are depressed. If you're not depressed, this breakup might send you back into depression. Your #1 priority right now should be to improve your mood and fend off depressive habits and thought patterns. That means you should be exercising, being social, staying away from your computer, sleeping 8h a night and eating healthy. Sign up for a sports team, take up a hobby, buy some hippie food and start waking up at 7am if you don't already. Hire a maid to keep your apartment from being a mess if it helps. These things are super important.

Step #2: Meet other women.

I'm not saying that there's no chance of getting your ex back, but if you want her back you'll have a better chance if you've been on a few dates since the breakup. Getting back in the game is important to give you options, hope and a bit of perspective on your former relationship.

Step #3: If you want her back, show her you've changed.

I don't know if you want your ex back, and maybe it's a good idea to move on, but if you DO want her back, you need to show her you've changed. That means you have to ACTUALLY CHANGE, and then you need to get back in touch and show her. So, for the time being (ie. the next two months) it DOESN'T MATTER what you message her, or what you say to her, because you HAVEN'T CHANGED. Spending time with her will just reaffirm her old image of you. Instead, work on yourself, contact her when necessary (to get your stuff back) and focus on YOU. Then in two months, if you feel like it, give her a ring. But promise yourself that you won't even THINK of contacting her until you've taken care of yourself.

Good luck.

JSS
04-11-2016, 09:40 AM
Hey Tenmagnet, thanks for the advise!


Your relationship sounds like it's been weak for quite a long time. You might have been thinking that things were OK because she wasn't complaining or threatening to breakup with you, but apathy and a lack of passion are almost as bad for a relationship as fighting and conflict.

Actually she was complaining and we had discussed it in the past that things were not good but we *both* said that we are too important for one another to let this go to waste.


Depression is especially hard on relationships. I know it's hard for the depressed person, but it's also really hard dating a depressed person. Not to cast blame but just to let you know what she might be experiencing.

I know. My grandma was depressed and she was really hard to be around. I can imagine that my fiancee was feeling the same. She might have even felt that she was doing everything for me and that I was not paying any attention to her/behaving like a kid, and maybe she said she had enough of this. Actually it was also my mistake that I didn't explain to her how serious the problem was/is - maybe she would have been more supportive.



There's a glimmer of hope here - she wants to know if you've CHANGED. Have you improved your style? Have you been going to the gym? Have you been TAKING ACTION or sitting on your butt being depressed? The implication here is that if you've been taking action she would like it.

I've been improving my style. I'm moving in to my new apartment which is super nice tomorrow and I'll get back to the gym this week. I've started learning a new language (her native language actually which I always wanted to learn), I've been running quite a lot and I've been going out with my friends every single day. This was a shock to me and I know I have to change my view of things, take my life in my hands. It's really hard to make a big change though, and this is what she wouldn't understand. When your brain chemistry changes, it's not so simple as to say "do something so that you feel better".

As for the game plan it sounds good (apart from dating which I'm 100% not interested in now). I would want to make new friends (both men and women) and go out with my old friends even more.
For the 2 months thing, I don't know. Lots of people were saying that after 3 weeks my suffering should have subsided. Instead it seems to be getting worse every single day.
So I get the main point from your plan: work on improving myself and for the rest I'll see how she reacts. Even though her attraction levels were going down steadily over the last half year, she was saying that I was the only guy with who she though she would have kids with and marry (and by far her longest relationship), so there must be feelings from her side as well...

Tenmagnet
04-12-2016, 08:29 AM
Actually she was complaining and we had discussed it in the past that things were not good but we *both* said that we are too important for one another to let this go to waste.


Listen to what people do, not what they say.


I know. My grandma was depressed and she was really hard to be around. I can imagine that my fiancee was feeling the same. She might have even felt that she was doing everything for me and that I was not paying any attention to her/behaving like a kid, and maybe she said she had enough of this. Actually it was also my mistake that I didn't explain to her how serious the problem was/is - maybe she would have been more supportive.


You should definitely let her know that you think you were depressed for the past little bit and that you're working on it.

FYI, this book is highly recommended for depression: https://www.amazon.ca/The-Mindful-Way-through-Depression/dp/1593851286

Also, even if you feel like you're doing better now, you should consider therapy to prevent a relapse and so you can learn some positive habits that will improve your mood in the future.


I've been improving my style. I'm moving in to my new apartment which is super nice tomorrow and I'll get back to the gym this week. I've started learning a new language (her native language actually which I always wanted to learn), I've been running quite a lot and I've been going out with my friends every single day. This was a shock to me and I know I have to change my view of things, take my life in my hands. It's really hard to make a big change though, and this is what she wouldn't understand. When your brain chemistry changes, it's not so simple as to say "do something so that you feel better".


It's true that depression has to do with brain chemistry, but things like exercise, diet and sleep schedule are proven to have a big impact. You're right that it's not as simple as "do something so that you feel better" but doing things does have an effect and is worthwhile - and depressive thoughts tend to push you in the opposite direction (there's no point to doing this). You need to recognize those thoughts and remind yourself that it's the "depression talking".


For the 2 months thing, I don't know. Lots of people were saying that after 3 weeks my suffering should have subsided. Instead it seems to be getting worse every single day.
So I get the main point from your plan: work on improving myself and for the rest I'll see how she reacts. Even though her attraction levels were going down steadily over the last half year, she was saying that I was the only guy with who she though she would have kids with and marry (and by far her longest relationship), so there must be feelings from her side as well...]

I think the idea that you'd get over a 3 year relationship in three weeks is far too optimistic. Don't be surprised if it takes you months to get back in "the groove" of things. This is why it's important to get started now - because it's a long journey and the sooner you start the sooner you come out the other side.

JSS
04-12-2016, 10:08 PM
Thanks for the good advice Tenmagnet!



You should definitely let her know that you think you were depressed for the past little bit and that you're working on it.

You think I should do that at this point?
I have thought about it too, but then I was thinking that she might interpret it like "I have an excuse for making you feel bad, I need attention, please take me back".
I tried to tell her that at some point and I was actually hoping that she would understand it herself. I told her that I have changed and I didn't like how I was and I needed time to get back my old self, but at one point she said "it's not like you are depressed".

I was thinking to tell her only if she seems really interested in how I am; so far she doesn't.
Otherwise I'm afraid it might seem to her as if I'm trying to play the victim again.

JSS
04-19-2016, 01:19 PM
Another update. A week into no contact. The conference period has ended for her and she is looking at 2 weeks of being alone I presume. I'm leaving for holidays in 1 week from now and then I'll also go to a conference, so I'll be quite busy.
I've also started working more, got a promotion at work, started hitting the gym again and took on some new exciting projects.

She contacted me yesterday to discuss something about her work. I gave her a short reply and she told me twice "thank you so much" and "you really help me a lot". Then she told me that she would want to talk to me when I would have time. I told her I didn't have time to talk then.

Today I told her I would have time at 5pm, she replied with a delay and asked if she could call me but I had plans so I told her I couldn't. She said "ok, then maybe some other time. i just wanted to see how you are". I said "we will talk some time during the week then" and we left it at that.

The next few days I'll be super busy but I'm thinking to write to her during the end of the week.
I was thinking whether suggesting to meet would be a good idea to actually see how she feels, but then
this might be too much. I guess it's better to let her call and show me where she wants to go with this.
Let her wonder about me (she must be seeing that I'm offline every single night) and see if she really misses me.

What do you guys think?

JSS
05-02-2016, 10:41 PM
Hi guys,

2 weeks have past and there have been some developments.

Last week she invited me for dinner.It went very well. She became a totally different person; actually she was behaving like the time that we were first dating. She was smiling, trying to keep the conversation going even when I would stop talking, making jokes, responding to my jokes etc. She was also asking me questions about myself, my new apartment, if I started going to the gym etc.

When I came in I didn't try to hug her but she went in for a hug and kiss. She had prepared a dish that I had said a long time ago that I wanted to try. After we finished eating she suggested that we go to a bar. We went out and had another drink.

On the way back she noticed I had 2 suitcases in the back of the car and she asked why I had them. I replied "I want to take my stuff". When I showed up to her door holding the two suitcases she seemed very sad. While I was packing she was asking me to take my stuff from her place and she told me "I feel like I took everything from you". She was asking if I bought new stuff like kitchen utensils, blankets etc and seemed very surprised to know that I did (I guess she sees I'm moving on). I packed almost all my stuff and she said at the end "the rest you don't have to take them now, you can do it on another day".

After I loaded the car I came back to say goodbye. She immediately hugged me... quite a long hug I would say. While we were hugging she was saying that she hopes we can go out more, that she was glad to see me and at some point (like 30sec into the hug) she said "I miss you". I didn't tell her anything just hugged her more tightly which she reciprocated. She seemed like she didn't want to let me go.

On the following day I sent her an email to say thanks for the dinner and that I had a great time. She replied "I'm very glad you liked it! I was happy to see you, and I hope we will meet soon, after you come back from holidays!".

We haven't really talked after that day (except once when she informed me about a letter that went to her place). I will see her anyway to get the letter back.
I would want to see if we can start building a closer connection and start communicating more often than we do now, to understand what she wants.

If you guys have any advice let me know.

Thanks!