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View Full Version : Identifying Red Flags After a Break-Up - Did I Dodge a Bullet?



Eyebrows
02-15-2016, 05:27 AM
Girl split up with me after 4 months. Not long, but she made herself an important part of my life. As some background, she is 23 never had a guy interested in a relationship before this year, had one ex who she dated for 4 months. She ended things and got with me the next day (Red Flag #1). She was a virgin before him and she had her first orgasm with me. I went away volunteering for a bit and she wanted to sext every day, again, something she'd never done before and she was explicit, talking about how when she came to meet me in Prague we were going to fuck all day and night. This girl had never given a handjob or a blowjob before, had her sexual awakening with me, said she felt sexy for the first time and she confided in me some stuff I know she never has before, which I thought would count for more.

When she got to Prague she cried after 2 hours because she was homesick and missed her parents. So I ended the trip early (I shouldn't have, I'd planned it before I met her. I think if I was a fully fledged PUA I'd have ended the relationship right then). It was never the same since we got back and she broke up with me 2 months later saying she doesn't feel the same as she did at the beginning and the attraction isn't there anymore. I tried my best to maintain that attraction, sent flirty messages, sexted but I guess that trip just made her lose it. I tried to make it exciting but she cried every night until she knew we were booking a flight home, saying to herself "What is the point of me?", asking how one man can be so good to her. It was so hard to make it fun when she looked like a sourpuss the whole time but we still fucked and she said she felt like we were a proper couple now. Perhaps I was too good? Rookie mistake? Still, the last night in Vienna she was upset we couldn't have sex because she was spotting (even though people do), she was wearing a new sexy nightdress and said she wanted it to be special. Almost cried, but still gave me a handjob. And more than happy to snuggle up on the plane and train back home.

At the beginning she was very intense, called me her soulmate, she was the luckiest girl in the world. In her birthday card she wrote that I made her happy when she hadn't been for so long, that I was her rock, I was the first thing she thought of in the morning, the last at night, when she's in my arms the world fades away and she can see a future she never dreamed possible. Be my baby forever'. This was after 3 weeks together. As a present, she bought me a photo album with a photo of our first date that we would fill up with photos from our travels, and a week later she texted when I joked about us eloping together asking how I would propose.

There was a lot more that she said but for brevity's sake I won't type it all. I was her world, her prince, her man, she couldn't wait to run into my arms, etc. Actually, the week before we broke up she text to say "Baby, I love you", told me she'd feel at home anywhere I was (I was flat searching) and when I told her about a look she gives me that makes me feel loved she said "Get used to it, you're going to be seeing it a lot." Met my parents a month before and talked about taking me to Cyprus with them.

So looking back as I try to get over her I'm realising that kind of behaviour isn't normal early on. I saw it as flattering at the time because who doesn't want a sexy girl throwing herself at you?

Red Flags
1. Closeness to parents - inability to be away more than a day without crying

2. High intensity at the beginning, almost unrealistic expectations about relationships. Who talks about marriage and kids after three weeks?

3. Emotional immaturity

4. Flirted with me when still with her ex and broke up with him after 4 months too because she lost the feelings for him. Also, he was a very strange guy and she said she stayed with him because 'it was someone who was interested in me'.

5. Cripplingly low self-esteem - said she'd have been 'insignificant' if we'd met in high school, always put herself down

6. No ambitions, no hobbies - does nothing except shop with her mum and cook for her dad. Has a great mind, curious about history and she studied history but does nothing with it and has no plans. I was her world for a bit but she never had anything else in it.

7. Upset over tiny things - she got upset with herself for not knowing my middle name because it was something she 'should know about her man'. She wanted to save all her clothes so I could see her in them first.

8. Few friends - she has some from uni in different cities but meets up with just 3 locally and two are twin sisters

9. Boring texter - unless we were sexting
.
10. No male interest before - not sure if this is a red flag or not - but she is a stunning girl and for someone like that to have gone through uni and not had a guy interested in her seems strange. There was one guy she texted for a bit at uni but he just stopped replying.

11. Constant texter. "Morning baby" "Night baby". Saw her message on FB once, it said 'Aww lovely' so I thought 'nothing to reply to', went in the shower. Came back in 15 mins she was upset I'd seen the message not replied because she was sitting waiting for me to message back. Very clingy and needy in general.

12. OCD - hand sanitizer at work all the time, constantly checking our luggage on trains to make sure nobody is stealing it. When she stands up at a restaurant or the cinema she checks the floor thoroughly to see if she's dropped anything instead of just checking her pockets to see if she has all her stuff.

13. Inability to Handle Emotions - even when she was into me, she would say 'I've never felt this way about someone before, it's so overwhelming for me and I don't know how to handle it'. She was constantly worried about messing things up and losing me.

14. Jealousy - a little bit...she didn't like that I was out there volunteering with other girls. Told her a lot about the farm and the thing she asked about was "What's she like?" the other volunteer.

15. Hints of controlling behaviour. "You're never allowed another cigarette." "You have to learn to drive". Buying me clothes that she'd like me in. Early on, she would say 'It's not you and me now, it's us' and that 'I was hers'.

I might be trying to make myself feel better for not being able to maintain the attraction. I'm new to this sort of thing but to give her physical, sexual and emotional feelings she's never had before and for that to just drop off completely seemed so strange to me. It went from reading about sex positions together and wanting to try everything to not even wanting to sext after the trip. Looking back, it was way too early for that sort of travel. But again, her crying every night and feeling unsexy because of the spotting, it doesn't seem like I could have done much more. Especially, for a girl who has never had all that before, who said she has never felt like a woman until she was with me...I had thought those were the type of things to keep people together at least longer than 4 month.

So regardless of whether or not I could have built more attraction - with all the above, does it sound like in the long run I'm better off not with her?

Duut
02-15-2016, 06:31 AM
This girl has deep psychological issues, so building more attraction has no purpose in this case. I mean when you read your post, you know that you have made the right decision. I can understand you just want somebody else confirming that, so here you have it.. you did the right thing!!

The problem with these kind of girls/woman is that they take you in their reality, the highs points are amazing, you feel you are truly happy and the love she is giving you is amazing. But it's always followed by a downward spiral, where you are comforting her while she cries, hearing her problems and having arguments that are about nothing. It makes you tired.

In my experience those girls lie a lot, maybe you have noticed it already. She tells a story and 2 months later she tells it again, but way different then before or you find out in an other way. So there is a change there might be some lies about her sexual history, because it sounds a bit unbelievable.

Very narcissistic behavior, and it's never enough. Never accept a girl who is recently broken up.

Although her deep words had meaning at the time, she believed them.. but understand that she has no idea how to deal with love in general,
because of her low self worth, she doesn't feel worthy (even when they are successful in life it's never enough).. these feelings will always be there unless she gets help from a therapist or at least some kind of help. So you are always fighting a battle that can't be won that easily. Most times these girls/woman had a traumatic emotional experience when they were younger.

Let this be a lesson and be more weary about red flags when you meet a girl.

Eyebrows
02-16-2016, 01:06 AM
It was my first relationship, so my first break-up, and I wasn't sure if there were some genuine underlying issues with her or if I was trying to make myself feel better about thing. But a lot of people have said there seems to be something not quite right there.

To me, if you're crazy about a guy and he takes you to Europe and ends the trip for you because you can't go a night away from your parents, I'd have thought she'd be more enamoured after that. But to say the trip made her re-evaluate her feelings - to me, that's something she needed to do before she started talking about forever. And like you said, quite narcissistic. There's a general feeling around the office that because she didn't split up with her ex until the day he left work that she stayed with him because he gave her a lift to and from work.

Forgot to add, her mum is religious (Greek Orthodox) and she didn't know we were in a sexual relationship. So, lying to her parents is another one. Mother has depression as well. She's terrible at communication. I'd ask her about applying for jobs, she'd just say 'I don't want to talk about it, it stresses me out'.

She doesn't know how to live in general. She just floats through life with no ambition or plans, talking about how hard it is being an adult and how it'd be so much easier if you could just walk into a career. I kept thinking 'that's not life baby, you have to work at it'.

Thanks for the post, feeling better about things. After the break-up, I just wanted her back but the more I think about things the more it seems like I've had a lucky escape.

NobleSavage
02-28-2016, 11:31 AM
She sounds like a full-blown nut job. Consider yourself lucky that it is over. And older friend of mine actually married a woman with parent issues, she even brought her mommy along on the honey moon! Needless to say their marriage was not a happy one. Do yourself a favor and stay away.

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