View Full Version : 2nd breakup, multi-relationship involved

07-25-2015, 08:53 PM
This is a multiple relationship and is a long story, i will keep it as short and clear as possible.

I m working on a divorce, and then met a girl in office (let's call her A) around June last year. Then i met another girl in the same office (B) in August last year and i was with A and B together for around 2 months. Then i decided to leave A and began to keep a distance with A, but I didn't say breakup as A has a history of depression, i was afraid breaking up will trigger her illness again. Then B discovered A in January this year and wanted to leave, and then A discovered B too. After a lot of drama they both broke up with me in mid February.

Then in late April i succeeded to get B back, and we got along happily until in late June B mentioned A again. I was a bit angry to A due to some jealousy and other issues, and B offered to arrange a dinner with her to reconcile (not getting back together of course, just dissolve the hostility). Then B hesitated and said she didn't think clearly about the suggestion. I became even more angry and we had an argument. Then she asked for break up again, saying she has never argued with somebody like this before (i'm her second bf and she's a vy peaceful person and avoids argument or confrontation) . I apologized, and in the 2 weeks after the fight her attitude changed a lot, much less smiles, no longer initiate meetups, and no more sex. But she still called me and texted me, just no longer joyful. In this period she had some activities with an interest club and was busy on weekends, i complained about her only caring her own business but never mentioned ours.

Then in mid July, during our last meetup she cried again, mentioning again how i hurt her, thr argument, etc. She said she felt fear, insecure and loneliness and the negative emotions neverreally left her even when she seemed happy after the first reconcile and she suffered a lot. She also blamed me for her loss, e.g. her job (she resgined, claiming she couldnt stand the pressure from colleagues - they knew we were together again)

I said, its almost half year ago and she has to find ways to get over the negative emotions, whether she will be with me or not. She also agreed that she has problems dealing with adverse situations. I couldn't stand it anymore and said "ok, you want a breakup? Fine". I texted her again the next day saying i will give her space, and she replied by thanking me for not forcing her (i acted much calmer than the first breakup; in the first breakup i committed virtually all mistakes that relationships experts warned) , and breakup is good for both of us and can solve the problems.

Then in the coming few days i texted her, apologized to her (again) , trying to show appreciation to her club activities(she replied and we chatted for a while). I also sent her some links about how to forgive, even some jokes, hoping to give her some positive emotions. But no response.

I am worrying she's determined to move on this time so she avoids contact with me (she had a boyfriend when i met her and then she broke up with him, using the same "no contact" tactic, saying this is to prevent giving him a false hope she may tke him back).
7 Aug is her last day in office, what should i do now? will things get better after she left office as she wont have to face the pressure from colleagues? Am i doomed? Thanks!!!

07-26-2015, 05:08 AM
Alright, here is the deal.

There was a number of things that could have been done better. Firstly, B arranging dinner to reconcile with A was a supremely bad idea. It is a matter between you and A, B should not have been involved at all. It is not her business at all and also as any woman she cannot stop feeling jealous of A regardless.

Also, it is a bit unclear from your post, what were girls' expectations towards you. Were you supposed to be in an open relationship or in a serious one. Not what YOU think it was, but what was conveyed and perceived by girls.

Given the relative inexperience by B, it can be assumed she expected exclusive relationship, unless it was made in very clear terms it is not. And as such she felt cheated by you.

Women are all emotions and their emotions dictate their logic. So in her mind you are now associated with a bunch of very negative emotions - anger, guilt, fear, and so on. It has much less to do with colleagues, just being with you, she recalls all the bad stuff, that was not really resolved and it weighs her down. You didnt help by suggesting links on how to deal with emotions and stuff. Instead you put the blame on her, which further reduced your value as a male and problem-solver.

She is quite right to avoid you and all this drama. I do not think it is salvageable in a short term. You did a lot of things to upset this girl and make her uncomfortable with you. I think the best way is to let it go. If you really want to be with her long-term, give it 1-2 years break for stuff to blow over and try then. Good luck

07-26-2015, 08:02 AM
7 Aug is her last day in office, what should i do now? will things get better after she left office as she wont have to face the pressure from colleagues? Am i doomed? Thanks!!!

Mate, move on. Forget all this back and forth, waiting on a girl. Too much drama and negativity. Move on man and start expanding your options more by approaching and dating more girls.

And don't focus on relationship i.e. ltr for a while.

07-26-2015, 08:24 AM
Let me get this straight:
You were "working on a divorce", and then got involved with two other women at the same time - at work?
Three women total simultaneously?

As I see this, you´re creating huge amounts of drama for yourself (not to mention the women you´re juggling and hurting in the process), and perhaps you´re pursuing that many women at once to either escape yourself (i.e. avoid actually THINKING and FEELING) or to simply get affirmation; perhaps following a bad relationship that didn´t make you feel good about yourself.

Either way, the issue is NOT "how to get back B" or similar.
You fix this issue, and a few weeks from now Miss C will appear and it all starts all over again.

The issue is all about YOU finding your own two feet, instead of believing that dating a whole bunch of women will somehow magically fix the hole you have inside.
It´s like filling a bucket with a hole in the bottom: No matter how many women you meet, date, fuck or get affirmation from - it will NEVER be enough.

The good news is, that YOU are creating all this drama - and so, YOU can also reverse the situation and stop the drama.

I have a feeling you´re going to do the exact opposite of what I am about to suggest.
(Because the quick fix to you seems to be finding a women to heal you.)
But never the less, here is what I would absolutely advise you to do:

• Drop all the drama, and intead focus on sorting out your life and find some peace.
• Sort out your divorce - if it isn´t already over and done.
• Hold back on the dating for a while. Either find a lover (with ZERO risk of emotional ties) or get a professional to cover your sexual/physical needs.
• Start figuring out how you heal yourself and how you´ll feel good about yoursell, instead of believing that a woman will "complete you".
It´s simply the wrong way to go about this, and it won´t work.

Hope this makes sense, and gives you useful input.

07-26-2015, 08:46 PM
Hi lassebauer,

Appreciate your suggestions. Yes I am going to divorce my wife, because I felt dissatisfied about the marriage. I was not exactly be with A and B simultaneously. First I met A, I thought she can offer what I wanted, then I met B, and she's even better, so I decided to leave A. So I didn't aim to keep both A and B forever from the beginning. I had cleared my mind to pursue B and B only, so what I concern now is also making B come back only, and then marry her. I don't have much feeling losing A, but i'm devastated losing B. There IS difference on how I feel towards them.

Is there anything wrong to pursue the better? I was just seeking the one that is as close as to my ideal type as possible. It just happened that A and B appeared within a too short period of time, and I mentioned I didn't cut off with A because A had a depression history, I didn't want to have catastrophe like self-hurting in office, but I was too slow and before I could clarify the situation B discovered A already.

I come from Hong Kong. And in Hong Kong laws married couples have to separate for at least one year before they can officially divorce. So I can't divorce right the way anyway. I would do so otherwise.

And Yes, I've also asked myself whether I had problems. I've read No More Mr. Nice Guy, I've met 5 counselors. I admit I enjoy the feel of adventure and achievement after successfully getting woman. For me, this is kind of a way to prove my capability.

I have many hobbies too - swimming, basketball, hiking, wargames, bicycle, pool, reading (Jack Reacher novels are my favorite), movies, jogging, kayaking, hifi, photography, etc etc. I just don't have so much time. I am making money double the median level of Hong Kong.

I don't really think a woman "completes" me. Probably it was my friends have greater influence on relationships. Many of them are players and they have dozens of girlfriends and had engaged in multiple relationships too. Probably i got the idea "the more the better" from them. and I haven't been single for more than a decade, and the recent loneliness is horrible and I am still struggling to cope with it, after losing B.

And yet I will continue to work on myself, on how to make myself a better person.

So you still advise me to leave her alone for a while? Is there anything I can do to reduce her negative emotions and cheer her up??

I must emphasize again that I DO LOVE B AND READY TO COMMIT MYSELF TO HER IN MY LIFE, otherwise I won't seek your help to get B back, instead of A, or anyone else.

07-26-2015, 09:03 PM
Hi Shofixti,

Sorry I didn't make myself clear. The reason B offered meeting A is, After the first breakup A and B MAGICALLY became BEST FRIENDS. They talked to each other everyday, went to shopping, supported each other, etc., just like the best sisters in the world. Then I managed to get B back, but B still kept a connection with A, and A didn't know we were together again. So B offered using her relation with A to ask A meet with me, hoping to dissolve the hostility between A and me. A and B were FRIENDS and not enemies at all.

On dealing with her emotions, I did listen to what she said and tried to solve them. Actually I did this a few times, after we reconciled. She expressed worries that colleagues will find out we were together again, and her confusion whether to quit or not. I listened carefully, echoed, expressed my understanding and love. But for that two months she looked overall happy--she cooked for me, we went to travelling, she stayed over my place for many nights, etc etc. I had absolutely NO idea that she still had emotional problems, until the fight that night.

And for the exclusiveness of relationship, actually it's we cheated on each other in the beginning. I mentioned that she HAD a boyfriend when she met me. She left him the SAME TIME she left me, that means she cheated on her bf too, just that she said she had no feeling to her bf anymore. She claimed that she was just "playing" and looked for excitement in the beginning, but then she became more and more serious. So did I. I became more and more serious about her too. So I decided to divorce my wife and cut off with A. That's why I am devastated losing B, and seek your help.

I admit I fxxked up badly, what I hope now is only to get B back, and marry her.

So, anything I can do to speed up the process unloading her emotional baggage?????