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penance
05-31-2015, 05:06 PM
Hey guys. So here's my situation:

I work in a restaurant. This girl, a bartender I work with, has been flirting with me quite a bit. We text on a regular basis. We've hung out a couple of times but never one on one. She's working on her PhD and works a lot, so her time is limited. But she's expressed interest in hanging out with me alone.

We had plans to go out today. Hang out at a dock bar about 30mins away. We've been talking about it for like 3 weeks, but said she needed to make sure she finished some homework. Supposed to take when she got off work at 4:30.

The night before we worked together, as she was leaving work, I confirmed with her whether she finished her hw. Seemed flaky like she was backing out. Said she still had a whole lot left. And that she had to get up early the next day. Kind of gave her a cocky reply stating that it was whatever and she was a slacker for not getting it done earlier.

5 mins after she left, I get a text saying "So where are you taking me?"

Told her the place we already discussed but since its so far from where she lives, we can do something near her (the sticks). Since she was already working before we were to go out, she said "lol I'll be in xxx, no need to come all the way out here" I took that as yes to where I picked and didn't reply.

Conversation started today when I text her while she was at work. I have an app that can control the jukebox from my phone. I played sexual healing, and texted her "Just found out I can remotely control the jukebox" For the next 2 hours we just went back and forth texting and she thought it was so hilarious that I did that. Played a few other songs (Ice Ice Baby). Seemed like she was really into it.

Then... excuses start flying...


Girl: I think I forgot my id
Me: Oh no, Well they don't ID 34 year olds do they? (She's 28 btw)
Girl: F you
Me: Well let me know what you wanna do. It's amazing outside right now
Girl I know! I wont be out til 430ish. My ID may be in my truck. I'd really like to take a shower but... lol
Me: Tell the manager you need to leave early and xxx can run the bar.
Me: Dont you wish that could happen
Girl: She's already annoying me lol
Me: lol. Well like I said, we can go out to the sticks if you need to go home. But if you really NEED to take a shower. I live like 8 miles away
Girl: I dont want to smell like beer and fried food
Me: haha. Two amazing things??? Isn;t that like saying you dont wanna smell like roses and a new car? Well let me know. If you need to raincheck, thats fine. But I def wanna chill with you
Girl:It's so perfect out though...but I would rather be clean when we go to annapolis
Me: Lol. Ok. Well you can yse my place rather than driving home. If you feel comfortable doing that Pretty sure my roommate has girly shower stuff.
Girl: I am absolutely not taking a shower at your house
Me: Not that big of a deal... Eventually youre gonna take a shower here
Girl: Ha!
Girl: Oh yeah?
Me: Yeah... ;)
Girl: Oooooook lol
Here I put on another song on the jukebox 2 hours since my last song: La Bamba
Me: La Bamba?
Girl: Haha, xxx (bar regular) says come in here so he can beat you
Me: Hahahahaha
Nothing for an hour
Me: SO am I coming to pick you up at work? Or are you headed home?
Girl: can we go somewhere around here?
Me: Sure
Girl: Outside?
Me: Preferably. lol
Girl: Good. Where
Me: Hmm... xxx or xxx. Don't know of many places around here that have outside spots

At this point, I've gotten 4 excuses between the night before and through text (HW, Up early, Forgot ID, Needs a shower). Felt if she truly was interested, she wouldn't be coming up with all these excuses. She knew where I planned on taking her. She didn't object til 30mins before we were supposed to meet. I got a little annoyed because
now I had to pick a diff venue, neither are that great.

Shortly, after I sent the last text I sent another
Me: Let's just take a raincheck... Well figure out something another time

No response until 10mins before we supposedly would meet

Girl: Sorry, working. Ok? lol
Girl: Standing me up already!

Me: Lol. You seem to have a lot on your plate today.

Girl: I do? lol
Girl: Mmmhhhmmmm -1000 bunos points

Me: Between forgetting your ID, needing a shower, and still having hw
Me: I'm still down to go out

Girl: I told you my ID was in my truck, lol. I always have hw, and if I go to xxx, I'd like to dress for it. But now Im headed home because youre lame


I havent replied since... I feel like she's either holding back. and thats whats with all the excuses. But she knew we were going to xxx and didn't object prior about taking a shower. Never told me she found her ID.

Not really sure where to do with this. I expected her to be more excited that I cancelled since she was coming up with all these excuses. Instead, she labels all these excuses that shes been telling me about as not important.

Any thoughts?

lassebauer
05-31-2015, 05:58 PM
As with everything in in life: If you reward bad behavior, you get more of it.

The moment - the very first time - you keep the convo going AFTER she flakes or starts being flaky on you, THAT´s the moment she learns that you are so invested/interested, that she can safely reduce you to an option rather than treating you like a priority. Which she then proceeds to do.
And you keep enabling her - meaning; you keep talking to her and thus accepting her BS.
Had this been a friend of yours, Im sure you wouldn´t have kept the dialogue going like this, but cut it short.

So what´s going on in her mind?
Who knows.
The only thing you know for sure about her, is that her behavior tells you that she´s not interested enough - or she would have not flaked. Not once nor four times.
Perhaps she is constantly waffling because YOU are. You´re not taking charge, but REacting to her instead of "laying down the law".

Her reasons and motivation is not really important here.
However, YOUR behavior is.
The best thing you can do now, is act friendly and diplomatic and indifferent towards her.
IF she starts fishing for your attention, or starts dropping hints about going out again - DO NOT TAKE THE BAIT.
If you want to have any chance of tipping the scales of interest, you need to back the hell down, and NOT be that "Lol, haha, are you standing me up again? Lol, haha" - type of guy.
And FYI:By that last remark I mean that you are WAY too friendly and "If I just keep it all light and say LOL and HAha, things will work out. After all, she´s hot - so I have to not rock the boat or call her out on her BS".
You need to change that mindset if you want to land her or any other women that you find as attractive as her.

Instead of constantly asking her what she wants, have a plan - and have her join you if she wants.
Instead of constantly re-engaging her when she flakes or doesn´t reply, leave her alone and/or next her.
Get a dialogue going with 5-10 other women, and very very soon this one will seem insignificant. And THAT might just make her interested.


I personally think she behaves like a 14 year old, so perhaps you´re better off simply nexting her and focusing on more mature women.

penance
05-31-2015, 08:09 PM
I appreciate the feedback.
And def realize she needs to be more interested if I'm going to close.

With that said, she never cancelled the plans. I did because she was coming up with excuses. These excuses never caused her to back out though, it just demonstrated hesitation to me. So I said raincheck, and she was the one that commented "Are you standing me up?" not me. She seemed to be pissed that I cancelled, even after all the hesitation she expressed.

I essentially was expressing if she's gonna keep coming up with these reasons, that I'm not gonna play into and I'll just flake on her until shes ready to demonstrate that she views me as important enough to say fuck all these excuses.