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View Full Version : trying to understand ex's behavior?



spiritofjosh
05-27-2015, 10:11 AM
I'll try and keep back story brief but we met 2 years ago, dated for 6 months until 2 months back when we broke up. The first time we met until we started actually talking last summer we found out we both we're very interested but too shy to talk first. She is 22 and I'm 29 and she has never had a boyfriend before me and has never been in love. She was always somebody who stayed away from relationships and emotional involvement with men and when we started talking she changed her whole perspective albeit being very reluctant. She broke up with me for a lot of the reasons I mentioned she stayed away from relationships prior. She felt we argued more than we loved each other, she felt she was changing as a person to please me only (her doing, not mine because I always urged her to be herself) and basically said she is too over emotional to handle a relationship now.

Within the last two months we've been broken up I felt terrible. I really cared about this girl because she was also my best friend. We saw eye to eye on a lot and seemed perfect for each other besides when she would get worked up over something small. She would say she never thought she was capable of loving someone and said I was the first person to ever see her cry besides her mom but I also knew how to handle it.

I tried reaching out to her a few times in between when we broke up and she always came off as resentful and bitter, like I hurt her when I did nothing. My friends and her all still follow each other on social media and all report to me (without me asking) that she spends time with the same few friends she did before and while we dated, that there is "nobody new" as in new guy. Last night I said screw it and I texted her to say hi. She was very mean at first and questioned why I care to even talk to her and basically me asking what she's been up to was none of my business. I kept very calm and said she doesn't need to act like we're enemies and that I'm happy she is happy because she said she was happy without me. She also said she is with somebody new but I don't believe this, the way she said it seemed off on top of what all my friends notice as I don't follow her on social media. To play along I said I'm happy for her and good luck and she said the same and to my new girlfriend and asked what she thought me talking to one of my exes. I said i have no girlfriend and she claimed its not what she heard to which I said she heard wrong. After this she seemed to lighten up and then apologized for being mean and said she just doesn't know why I decided to talk to her and I just said because sometimes I miss talking with her. That was it.


I can't help wondering why the bitter behavior towards me? Why she would basically make up that she is with someone and why act like I was so terrible to her? I noticed from my friends that she made all these changes within the first month we broke up, like shaving half her head, moving in with one of the friends I mentioned earlier, drinking a lot more often, etc. Nothing too reckless from what I hear but still, very random and sudden. I do miss her and everything but I can't make any real judgement on what she's so bent about.


Thanks for reading the long post if you do. But I ignore the "who cares, move on" comments because I feel like they are basically invaluable if you are still getting over somebody you once really cared about. I unfortunately have no "forget about her" switch I can flip right now.

TheRogue
05-27-2015, 10:48 AM
The answer to why she is mean to you is simple: it's a defense mechanism. In her mind, she has to build you up to be the "bad guy" to justify breaking up with you.

Even if the majority of it is fantasy, it's still ingrained in her head, and is a hard barrier to break through. That, and it sounds like she's got emotional issues that prevent her from being in a healthy relationship. I know it's not easy to move on, but that's the only way forward in this case.

Rogue

spiritofjosh
05-27-2015, 10:58 AM
The answer to why she is mean to you is simple: it's a defense mechanism. In her mind, she has to build you up to be the "bad guy" to justify breaking up with you.

Even if the majority of it is fantasy, it's still ingrained in her head, and is a hard barrier to break through. That, and it sounds like she's got emotional issues that prevent her from being in a healthy relationship. I know it's not easy to move on, but that's the only way forward in this case.

Rogue

The worst part is I know I need to move on and almost always I have no problem doing so. I guess when I look at it, I know she was very emotional to the point of being unstable but I always helped her get through it, no matter what it was. She would cry obviously but then just have a huge smile on her face saying how lucky she is to have somebody that can understand her and help her feel happy and good about herself. To me that was more rewarding that a lot of ever experienced because it was the first time I felt appreciated and actually loved, not loved for the sake of what relationships are supposed to be.

I guess what I'm trying to say is I'm having a hard time detaching from her because of all the emotions good and bad that put us together in the first place, like we related on all levels. I'm one of the most stubborn people to everybody I know but she was the first to really understand me and make me realize stuff I didn't think I'd ever realize, so we just ended up helping each other a lot more than I'd ever assume. It's like I wish she would just realize that breaking up with somebody may be new to her but it isn't necessary to put up this defense and act like I lied or cheated on her. I strongly felt our breakup was half of every other breakup I've been through and we could of worked it out but she didn't think we could have.

ChocolatePUA
05-27-2015, 04:54 PM
I'll try and keep back story brief but we met 2 years ago, dated for 6 months until 2 months back when we broke up. The first time we met until we started actually talking last summer we found out we both we're very interested but too shy to talk first. She is 22 and I'm 29 and she has never had a boyfriend before me and has never been in love. She was always somebody who stayed away from relationships and emotional involvement with men and when we started talking she changed her whole perspective albeit being very reluctant. She broke up with me for a lot of the reasons I mentioned she stayed away from relationships prior. She felt we argued more than we loved each other, she felt she was changing as a person to please me only (her doing, not mine because I always urged her to be herself) and basically said she is too over emotional to handle a relationship now.

Within the last two months we've been broken up I felt terrible. I really cared about this girl because she was also my best friend. We saw eye to eye on a lot and seemed perfect for each other besides when she would get worked up over something small. She would say she never thought she was capable of loving someone and said I was the first person to ever see her cry besides her mom but I also knew how to handle it.

I tried reaching out to her a few times in between when we broke up and she always came off as resentful and bitter, like I hurt her when I did nothing. My friends and her all still follow each other on social media and all report to me (without me asking) that she spends time with the same few friends she did before and while we dated, that there is "nobody new" as in new guy. Last night I said screw it and I texted her to say hi. She was very mean at first and questioned why I care to even talk to her and basically me asking what she's been up to was none of my business. I kept very calm and said she doesn't need to act like we're enemies and that I'm happy she is happy because she said she was happy without me. She also said she is with somebody new but I don't believe this, the way she said it seemed off on top of what all my friends notice as I don't follow her on social media. To play along I said I'm happy for her and good luck and she said the same and to my new girlfriend and asked what she thought me talking to one of my exes. I said i have no girlfriend and she claimed its not what she heard to which I said she heard wrong. After this she seemed to lighten up and then apologized for being mean and said she just doesn't know why I decided to talk to her and I just said because sometimes I miss talking with her. That was it.


I can't help wondering why the bitter behavior towards me? Why she would basically make up that she is with someone and why act like I was so terrible to her? I noticed from my friends that she made all these changes within the first month we broke up, like shaving half her head, moving in with one of the friends I mentioned earlier, drinking a lot more often, etc. Nothing too reckless from what I hear but still, very random and sudden. I do miss her and everything but I can't make any real judgement on what she's so bent about.


Thanks for reading the long post if you do. But I ignore the "who cares, move on" comments because I feel like they are basically invaluable if you are still getting over somebody you once really cared about. I unfortunately have no "forget about her" switch I can flip right now.

You may not WANT to hear it, but that's exactly what you need to do: move on.

I agree with what Rogue said - maybe she doesnt TRULY want a relationship, maybe she has serious emotional issues she hasn't discussed.

You know why you're so into her?

BECAUSE SHE"S MADE THINGS SO DIFFICULT

Ironically, the ones that give you the minimal amount of attention and affection while causing the most amount of drama are the ones you'll automatically gravitate towards. I've been in the same situation as you - no real "issues" but she drops me because....whatever reason she can think of at the time.

Believe me when I say, it's a blessing, because eventually you'll get sick and tired of the shit she puts you through on a constant basis.

hanexs
05-27-2015, 06:29 PM
You may not WANT to hear it, but that's exactly what you need to do: move on.

I agree with what Rogue said - maybe she doesnt TRULY want a relationship, maybe she has serious emotional issues she hasn't discussed.

You know why you're so into her?

BECAUSE SHE"S MADE THINGS SO DIFFICULT

...

Believe me when I say, it's a blessing, because eventually you'll get sick and tired of the shit she puts you through on a constant basis.

Totally agree.

Many of us have had the exact same experience. See eye to eye, really cared for eachother, yada, yada. Reading your post is like reliving my fantasy/nightmare relationships that I am glad to have finally left in the dust.

The reason why these relationships are so fulfilling is precisely because the woman is so messed up emotionally. You get to be the white knight, her saviour, her protector. But guess what, shes still messed up emotionally. And those late night flowers or chocolate, or texts that she loved or whatever you did that cured her problems, that you felt so awesome about, they didn't actually to fix her disorder. Her problems are still there and barring serious medical intervention they will continue to be.

Move on, the best thing to do is reduce contact. And when your doing it, learn to recognize that great relationships aren't found in vulnerable women that you fix, and that fulfill some inner need of yours to be a saviour; rather great relationships are founded upon two healthy people who are ALREADY FULFILLED that use their great lives to compliment eachothers. This is hard as it goes against many of our instincts and almost all of our hollywood stories of love, it is nevertheless true.

If you move on, be healthy, positive, and be a man. Who knows in a few years if she is better you may get her back. For now, you should not head back into the fire.

spiritofjosh
05-28-2015, 04:26 AM
I know you're all right, the moving on part is a tough pill to swallow but only when somebody just says "move on, period" but give no actual advice as to why somebody should. That's the "advice" I disagree with because it's not advice at all.

And to be honest, I guess maybe I never felt right admitting it but I do feel like something isn't right inside her head. She was one of the most amazing girls I've met and I've gone through girls like water throughout my life, never has anybody been quite like her which is why I got so attached. But the fact she's 22 and never had a boyfriend before said a lot at times. She's mentioned she was involved with one person before me but I've come to find out it was just somebody she texted, never kissed or anything....it left me like "how was that considered anything involved?" And not to mention her mom definitely has some screws loose so maybe in the end I'm dodging a bullet with somebody that's mentally unstable.


More so I posted here to obviously vent but also to sort of understand from a non-biased POV why or how somebody can be in love like she was and then act like she hates me because she couldn't deal with the emotions attached to a relationship she seemed to fight for more than I did. It's hard to explain without making her sound completely insane but she was the kind of girl that being she lives an hour away, if she knew I was upset she would drive to my house no matter how late it was to just lay with me and try and talk to me to make me feel better. She never flooded me with gifts or stuff like that but would just be support I needed when I needed it and would just want to spend as much time as she could with me. Besides her emotional side, for having little experience in relationships she was a very good girlfriend and was also the most trustworthy person I've dated when I've dealt with a lot of shady people.

Thanks again for everybody's help.

lassebauer
05-31-2015, 07:59 AM
You seem to suffer from KISA Syndrome (Knight in Shining Armor), and you seem to have had a Doctor-Patient relationship, and not one with two equal partners.
Ask yourself if you want a partner or a patient.
And if I were you, Iīd start educating myself on your own motivations for being in a relationship.
This one seems to have give you a purpose as a rescuer/doctor/fixer. And this dynamic keeps both of you in unhealthy roles: She needs to be a victim for you to "save and fix" her. And you have to be tolerant and forgiving with your "patient".

Itīs a bad recipe for a relationship. And thatīs why itīs come to an end.
The main point here is; find a woman who doesnīt NEED you - but WANTS you.
Itīs all about feeling great in a relationship, not for what you can DO (or fix), but who you ARE.

I could write pages on this topic - but thatīs why we wrote a "manual" on this.
Check the link in my signature if you want a great source for more on this, and for more specific tips on what to do.

raiyans
05-31-2015, 12:34 PM
You care about this girl..right? you love this girl..right?! she is 22, young and need to discover herself so you need to let her go and do that. Love is unselfish!

rdc363
06-13-2015, 04:02 AM
Don't reach out after a break up. Why? Look elsewhere.... Get some confidence and regain your composure... re-frame yourself in elevating what you were when the two of you were together...'

THEN just happen to see her somewhere....

In the interim... meet some chick online who is funner than she looks. By that I mean fun, but maybe not in the higher echelon of the 10 point system (maybe a 5 to upper 6). At least its a sure thing to go out and have fun - kind of like an NBA star warming by sinking a layup in practice (LOL).

thebizkid
06-22-2015, 07:33 PM
Yeah, I've been there. I had a girl like this too that I was head-over-heels for, but she wasn't stable yet in being confident in herself, in what she wanted from life, from me. I loved her deeply, still think about her from time to time, but at the end of the day, she didn't want to be with me anymore. She put up the defense mechanism in blocking me from her life too, even though I didn't do anything bad. It just helps a woman cope in getting over you because in their mind, they have to. It's immature, but there isn't much you can do except move on. You need to let her experience life, meet a few inexperienced men, and she may realize what she had with you. Maybe one day she'll grow more as a person and realize what a good man she had in her life, but the bottom line right now is she's selfish. She's the emotional wreck looking outwards to people like yourself to keep her sane and happy, but she has to find that for herself. Like they say, you can't make someone else happy unless you're happy with yourself. Maybe this is why she's doing this. Shaving her head, getting drunk, etc. She's looking for her identity. She hasn't found that yet. You need to let her go to do that. I'm sorry bro. Relationships suck. :-/

don juan matus
08-29-2015, 11:33 PM
the germans say - life long when dumb, then too short when smart

its her karma to be old a grey and inwanted to realize what a retard she was, cest la vie

djm