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View Full Version : Dumped after a 4 year relationship - wants me back after a week



stereoo
05-05-2015, 01:05 PM
Hi guys,

So basically we (she 25, me 28) had this thing going which was pretty good. Okay we had our little problems but every couple does after 4 years in a relationship.
Past 6 months though she finally graduated, moved to another city, got her first real job there and I noticed she was getting a bit emotionally distant towards me. She didn't smile like she used to, didn't seem to love everything about me like she used to and got irritated when talking about the idea of moving in together. I kind of pussied out I guess and instead of treating her the same distant way, I did my best to make her smile, to do things for her, try to ignore it. But I understood that the relationship was getting a bit 'dried up' from her side. The amount of sex we had was getting very low too.
She never talked about it and last week I just thought, fuck it, and out of the blue I asked her if she still loved me. She started crying (a lot). We didn't say much, but basically she felt like she didn't want the relationship to move to 'the next level' with me like I did. "So aren't we wasting our time with eachother then, if this isn't going anywhere?" I asked. She confirmed this and cried saying she didn't want to hurt me etc etc. She never gave me a real reason for breaking up though. According to her there was no one else.

Anyways, while leaving her place I told her that this would be the last time we talked to eachother like this. It's my 3rd long term relationship ending, so I know that No Contact is the best way to get over this. I told myself to not respond to any texts, I unfollowed her on Facebook, Instagram, Snapchat etc. All good.

After 3 days she started texting me that she wanted to talk. I didn't respond.
Each day her texts were getting more desperate.
Yesterday she send me "I want to go for it again with you if you are willing to." I didn't saw this coming.. Or at least not this soon post-break up.

I didn't reply because I was pissed at her for dumping me like that and I just wished she would stop texting me.
But last night she send me a huge text, explaining how wrong she was, how she should have talked about this first before making a decision, how she wants to move in together, how she wants to spend many more years together, how she wants to do the coupley stuff we did together again and again, etc etc.

So apparentaly she's regretting her decision. But it's so lame that she had to break up for it first. And now I feel like crap because I actually don't know if I want her back. She hurt me big time by treating me like something 'meh' for the past 6 months and now after 1 week she wants me back?? I really don't know how to think of this. It's way too soon for me and in a way I just feel mistreated and feel like she doesn't deserve me anymore.

So I send her a text today, very formal, "Hey. You've hurt me a lot with what you did last week, so I'm really not sure about us anymore. I need some time. I will contact you when I'm ready to meet up and talk."

Was this an OK move?
Why is she so quickly crawling back? Is she doing this to make me feel better? Is she just getting lonely?

rockycruz
05-05-2015, 02:50 PM
So I send her a text today, very formal, "Hey. You've hurt me a lot with what you did last week, so I'm really not sure about us anymore. I need some time. I will contact you when I'm ready to meet up and talk."

Was this an OK move?
Why is she so quickly crawling back? Is she doing this to make me feel better? Is she just getting lonely?

You did ok. Do not go back yet. I wouldn't have said she hurt me or any of that, like a victim. Instead, I would have said, "Hi. Look. I need some time to myself. I'll contact you when time comes but for now, don't call, text until I do."

Done.

You wallked away which is good. You have shown you value yourself. You didn't do it to win her over and trying to get her back which most guys would have done; and don't get what I've been saying to be a man.

Now, the next steps you must apply.

How to get your ex-girlfriend back - The Real Savoy (http://www.therealsavoy.com/2009/05/how-to-get-your-ex-girlfriend-back.html)

Or if you want to get over her..

Get Over an Ex (http://www.lovesystems.com/dating-advice/relationships/future-s-classic-article-on-conquering-oneitis-beatricide)

Yes, if you go back you NOW....you might have her but it can also go back so fast to what it was. The reason is now she feels bad, and she may use you as a Tampon to OVERCOME the guilt. So she will use you, at an unconscious level, to get over you. Then the break happens again.

Do not do this mistake most guys do. No friend...friend bs. No talk...talk. No being there to comfort her and help her.

Keep to no contact and follow the steps in first link. It is easy to fall trap to the logic that by getting back now, all will be well. But it won't. Not this fast anyway. Thinks has to be done now for yourself.

This isn't about her now but about you.

How to get your ex-girlfriend back - The Real Savoy (http://www.therealsavoy.com/2009/05/how-to-get-your-ex-girlfriend-back.html)

WillisWillis
05-06-2015, 09:27 PM
You did ok. Do not go back yet. I wouldn't have said she hurt me or any of that, like a victim. Instead, I would have said, "Hi. Look. I need some time to myself. I'll contact you when time comes but for now, don't call, text until I do."

Done.

You wallked away which is good. You have shown you value yourself. You didn't do it to win her over and trying to get her back which most guys would have done; and don't get what I've been saying to be a man.

Now, the next steps you must apply.

How to get your ex-girlfriend back - The Real Savoy (http://www.therealsavoy.com/2009/05/how-to-get-your-ex-girlfriend-back.html)

Or if you want to get over her..

Get Over an Ex (http://www.lovesystems.com/dating-advice/relationships/future-s-classic-article-on-conquering-oneitis-beatricide)

Yes, if you go back you NOW....you might have her but it can also go back so fast to what it was. The reason is now she feels bad, and she may use you as a Tampon to OVERCOME the guilt. So she will use you, at an unconscious level, to get over you. Then the break happens again.

Do not do this mistake most guys do. No friend...friend bs. No talk...talk. No being there to comfort her and help her.

Keep to no contact and follow the steps in first link. It is easy to fall trap to the logic that by getting back now, all will be well. But it won't. Not this fast anyway. Thinks has to be done now for yourself.

This isn't about her now but about you.

How to get your ex-girlfriend back - The Real Savoy (http://www.therealsavoy.com/2009/05/how-to-get-your-ex-girlfriend-back.html)
His situation is interesting, though, because she admitted that she made a mistake and wants to come back. Most girls reach out after a break up, but it's usually something non-committal, just enough to pry a response out of the guy. Don't you think he could go silent for a few days or a week and then invite her over to "talk"?

rockycruz
05-07-2015, 05:24 AM
His situation is interesting, though, because she admitted that she made a mistake and wants to come back. Most girls reach out after a break up, but it's usually something non-committal, just enough to pry a response out of the guy. Don't you think he could go silent for a few days or a week and then invite her over to "talk"?

I understand what you mean but that's logic.

She could be feeling the withdrawal system of him not being with her. It happens in breakups. It could be the guy she might have banged on side, is not who she thought he'd be. It could be, she FEELS shit and needs to feel better. Many reasons which one must not read into them because women are like emotional rollercoasters.

This isn't about getting her back anymore and falling for trap that just because she admitted, just because she now texts that to give just a few weeks. It will go back to what it was if he does.

Many in this forum have done so and found themselves seeing the girl go back to who she was and ended up with nothing. Because they focused on getting the girl back and not seeing the bigger picture.

Sirting their own life out, dating other girls, go back from a more stronger position.

But no matter what, one thing I found out...

We can give advise but it's up to person to see what they want and decide

Me, I'd not go back until I have followed the steps even dating other attractive woman, build my social circle bigger, change something in my life - as the articles suggested.

stereoo
05-07-2015, 12:32 PM
His situation is interesting, though, because she admitted that she made a mistake and wants to come back. Most girls reach out after a break up, but it's usually something non-committal, just enough to pry a response out of the guy. Don't you think he could go silent for a few days or a week and then invite her over to "talk"?

I also thought this was an odd thing to happen. I had my share of break ups, I know how it works, so I totally didn't expect her to react like this. I heard from friends that she's totally messed up about it. I have to say it kind of annoys me that she's contacting my friends to talk about it btw.. It makes things harder to move on for me. Knowing that she now wants me back gives me a form of power that I don't want to have right now. It's like now it's becoming my fault that I don't want us to go back together? She's giving ME the responability of how this evolves now, putting the blame off of her shoulders. Or is that too cynical?

Ofcourse she's feeling lonely, guilty and bad about it all. But she is the one that broke up.. She broke up for a reason. We weren't that communicative as a couple about our feelings etc so I understand she bottled up her fading feelings, never talked about it and then finally broke things off when I confronted her about it, only realizing what she had done a few days after.
She is probably also scared of the thought of me with other girls. There were several girls she didn't trust around me while we were together and I heard she's freaking out about one of these girls being suddenly single as well.

I wish she would just let it go. And I also think that if we would go back together right now, things would probably be going good for a few weeks, only going back to how it was before. AND I would always have the knowledge of her breaking up with me in the back of my mind. Probably making me paranoid if I notice she'd start too act a bit distant again, turning me into an insecure dude, which is ofcourse not attractive to a woman, giving the same result.

And to be honest, right now, I'm in a way 'relieved' that it's over.. I don't know if you guys can relate to this feeling? Ofcourse it hurts, I don't want to feel sad and I've been binge drinking and going out way too much the past week and I'll probably will start to feel even worse the coming weeks. But I have always felt that the times when I'm in-between relationships are very interesting and memorable, meeting so many new people and have so many experiences I wouldn't have otherwise, so it's also exciting in a way. I'm 28. I look pretty good. Got a big social circle, I'm okay with the ladies, and I'm also glad I started going to the gym last year instead of now ;) (That stuff gives a real confidence boost!)

But I'm aware that I might feel totally different about this in a few weeks. Only time will tell. I only hope she doesn't start to show up everywhere to talk to me or kiss some other guy in front of my eyes etc.

Ah well. I loved her and she loved me. We had a good time together. We'll see.

rockycruz
05-07-2015, 01:22 PM
It's like now it's becoming my fault that I don't want us to go back together? She's giving ME the responability of how this evolves now, putting the blame off of her shoulders. Or is that too cynical?

Only time a guy worries about fault, what it makes one looks like is due subsonconscly worry what others might think. It's maybe you who need to let go mate and not bother if she let's go or not, or she pops here and there.

A man is not a man of masculine if he is not certain.

Me, I'm certain. I'm not like..

"Hmm, we'll see." Or "I'll feel different next week." Sorry mate, but I'm a man. I am certain with my decisions. I'm moving on. I don't care how I feel, what happens. Moving on.

I'm certain and women know a man of certainty, makes a man so appetizing because now a man is a challenge. They can't show their pussy, or look great in front of him and suddenly, he will welcome the girl back. No thanks.

I don't care. I move on. I don't tell the story in my mind over and over again to wonder why this part, that part and this puzzle because it ain't worth it. She's gone, so my mind is now on other girls.

Guys I see on forum, well, they keep on and on, and on telling the same story. No wonder they can't get over the girl who they dumped or when she dumped them. I rather go out, approach some new girl and get laid.

She let's go, she doesn't, she is everywhere, she isn't. It doesn't really matter because I'd have moved on.

I know, it sounds cold but damned if I spend time having to think why she like this, why like that, why she do this now, playing the same story like a broken record when she be banging some guy, and playing drama.

Women are not like men.

Women got social circle which they rely on, deep trenched, meeting everytime with girls and all sorts. So even when a guy got big social circle, it's not as comforting, supportive it is for women who have their social circle.

Woman only has to stand with make up and she will be attracting guys like bees. Guys have to go out and approach, have game and all that crap.

So don't worry about her letting go. Worry about yourself...letting go.

WillisWillis
05-07-2015, 03:55 PM
Only time a guy worries about fault, what it makes one looks like is due subsonconscly worry what others might think. It's maybe you who need to let go mate and not bother if she let's go or not, or she pops here and there.

A man is not a man of masculine if he is not certain.

Me, I'm certain. I'm not like..

"Hmm, we'll see." Or "I'll feel different next week." Sorry mate, but I'm a man. I am certain with my decisions. I'm moving on. I don't care how I feel, what happens. Moving on.

I'm certain and women know a man of certainty, makes a man so appetizing because now a man is a challenge. They can't show their pussy, or look great in front of him and suddenly, he will welcome the girl back. No thanks.

I don't care. I move on. I don't tell the story in my mind over and over again to wonder why this part, that part and this puzzle because it ain't worth it. She's gone, so my mind is now on other girls.

Guys I see on forum, well, they keep on and on, and on telling the same story. No wonder they can't get over the girl who they dumped or when she dumped them. I rather go out, approach some new girl and get laid.

She let's go, she doesn't, she is everywhere, she isn't. It doesn't really matter because I'd have moved on.

I know, it sounds cold but damned if I spend time having to think why she like this, why like that, why she do this now, playing the same story like a broken record when she be banging some guy, and playing drama.

Women are not like men.

Women got social circle which they rely on, deep trenched, meeting everytime with girls and all sorts. So even when a guy got big social circle, it's not as comforting, supportive it is for women who have their social circle.

Woman only has to stand with make up and she will be attracting guys like bees. Guys have to go out and approach, have game and all that crap.

So don't worry about her letting go. Worry about yourself...letting go.

That kind of independence is great, but it doesn't develop overnight. It's not surprising or wrong for him to be uncertain about a girl he was with for four years.

rockycruz
05-07-2015, 05:51 PM
That kind of independence is great, but it doesn't develop overnight. It's not surprising or wrong for him to be uncertain about a girl he was with for four years.

You have to say what is ahead, what it needs, and the consequences and not be afraid to say so. If one is not ready, one is not ready.

No one is born ready.

Example, a football coach will say what needs to be said. His responsibility isn't to worry if the guys are not ready. If they are not strong enough. His responsibility is to BELIEVE in his players and inspire them to find the strength in them and to let them know of the consequences ahead BEFORE it happens again. And direct them to the training to be ready.

This isn't about right or wrong. This is about woman psychology, about fundamentals, about how it works in life and world. And we need to say it and rest, well, is left to the person.

And I hope, I get the same too. That someone tells me straight and says, "man up, get some balls mate because XYZ will happen." That's what comrads do.

lassebauer
05-07-2015, 05:59 PM
@stereoo
I have to chime in before you potentially make a mistake.

I am known for my sometimes very black & white, some would even say cynical approach when it comes to getting dumped:
"Go NC cold turkey, take time to heal, move on, find something better" etc.
And oftentimes there simply IS no middle ground. Oftentimes you simply HAVE to move on.

AND. AND. AND!
There ARE situations where NC isn´t the default stance you should take.
There ARE breakups that actually help IMPROVE the relationship - because it´s a wake-up call for both parties.
There ARE situations that AREN´T black & white and that do NOT call for the good old "alpha male" to go all Rambo and "ditch the bitch", GFTOW etc.
And as I see it, this is one of those situations.

Now. The big question you need to ask yourself is this:
Do you love this girl and do you see a future with her?
It´s a simple yes or no question.

I´m NOT asking you to tell me (and more importantly yourself) if you KNOW how to fix the relationship so you don´t just pick up where you left off.
Nor am I asking you if you know for a fact if it will work in the long run. That´s impossible to know - and only if both of you want it 100% can you make that happen.

I am asking you if you - all the shit, hurt feelings, frustration, pride, insecurities etc aside: Do you want to be with this girl or not?
I´m looking for a 100% honest, deep down in your gut reply.

If the answer is "Nope. I am glad it´s over. This was mostly an unbalanced relationship, where we mostly focused on having the power, rather than being a couple" (or whatever major obstacles you see).
Then I suggest you stick to NC and do it in a kind but firm manner.
In that case your first response was excellent IMO, because it told her why you didn´t reply, and why you need time to think and heal.


If the answer is: "Yes, I really love her, and I believe I am throwing away gold if we split up permanently."
Then you need to go about this TOTALLY differently.

First you need to establish some boundaries for talking and seeing each other:
Are you getting back together to work on it - or do you both need time to think.
If so, what is the agreement in that period? Monogamy or not? NC? LC? (Limited Contact) etc.
You need to set some rules for you both, so you don´t just slip into the old habits, fuck like rabbits for 2 weeks and then it all dies again.

Then you need to TALK to her. Open the lines of communication - for REAL.
As I see it, you have both sucked at communicating, and now (no wonder) the shit hits the proverbial fan.

There is a HUGE smelly turd in the centre of your relationship.
You talked about bad communication and a hard time showing true feelings.
Those issues need to be addressed and fixed (as in "you BOTH work hard and together on fixing this") before you have a chance of making it past the 2 (new) weeks you talked about.
Seek professional help. See a couple´s therapist or similar. Someone unbiased and professional who can help you sort out this mess.

As I see this, you are mainly hurt from being dumped - and now you´re trying to assign blame, and you believe she might be doing the same inadvertently.
You´re afraid this will happen again, or that nothing will change - or that she merely wants to get back together because she´s afraid you´ll end up with women she doesn´t like.
All of this shit matters preciously little IF you both want to WORK at this!

Have you been perfect in your relationship? Of course not.
Has she? Hell no.
Doesn´t that have a nice symmetry to it?

Two wrongs don´t necessarily make a right.
BUT - you can see this as a wake-up call OR the ending to something that was destined to end this way.
That´s your call.

Last but not least:
She may be desperate.
She may feel lonely.
But I have to point this out: She DID invest quite a bit of effort in contacting you repeatedly, and even wrote you a letter/mail where she (open-heartedly, I assume) told you how she felt and that she wants to try again.
There is a HUGE - HUGE difference between the classic "I want him back...because I´m bored, or jealous or...I dunno...just wanna see if I can..." and then someone making an actual effort, putting their pride and feelings on the line.

A faker wouldn´t even bother with half of what she´s doing.
And that tells me, that this episode MIGHT just have been the wake-up call she needed to start changing the dynamics of your relationship.

Yes, she hurt you.
Yes, she faded the past 6 months.
Yes, she made a mistake - or several.
Yes, there is a risk that you´ll get burned again (altho I doubt it).
But life isn´t perfect, and a relationship doesn´t progress in an orderly fashion.
It´s sometimes messy, dirty and frustrating.
And sometimes underneath that mess, dirt and frustration there MIGHT just be something worth fighting for.

I suggest ask yourself if this is the case with you and her.

stereoo
05-09-2015, 06:11 AM
lassebauer
Well, I wanted to be with her and I saw a future with her yes.
But when I started talking about moving in together, she always (jokingly but constantly) rejected the idea. I thought it was her age and though it kinda hurt, I figured I'd just wait till she got over that fear of 'settling down'. She is a bit scared of adulthood, is quite the dreamer and wants to have done everything in life. Me wanting to get our relationship to the next level was scary for her. Never really talked about why she didn't want to do that. I just thought it would change overtime.
I know we sometimes had our issues and the days of roses, poetry and proses were less apparent, but I believe every relationship grows a bit like this after several years, and the grownup thing to do is to accept this and see love on a different level. With her, I kind of accepted that idea and wanted to build a life together through the lovey dovey and less lovey dovey times as they come and go.

But indeed, we never really talked about our own feelings fading. I just saw it happen with her over 6 months time. It was like she was slowly giving up on me. The first time we talked about it was when she broke up (a conversation I had to casually initiate) and even then there weren't many words used.

If I have to say right now from the gut: yes I would still want to be with her.
Why I would rather accept the other extreme: I think she broke something in me and I just don't want to get hurt again, lose what's left of my balls and make my post-break up healing process longer than it has to be.
That's why it would have been "easier" to accept the break up as it is and move on if she just stayed with her primary decision ;p Now I get the feeling that I might make a mistake by letting her go. We weren't a power couple, playing games etc.

I guess we'll have to talk about it.

How long do you think should I wait before contacting her to meet up and listen to her explain the reasons behind all this?

PS: just before pressing Submit Reply I got a text from a friend who just ran into her. He says that she is feeling miserable and he thinks I should swallow my pride and should not let her go.

lassebauer
05-09-2015, 06:21 PM
stereoo

The very short answer is: Do it ASAP.
Start opening the channels of communication, and LISTEN - TRUELY LISTEN to what she has to say.
STFU and LISTEN ACTIVELY. Rephrase, get "the answer behind the answer", be inquisitive, curious - and interested.
And above all: BE HONEST.
At this point you have a chance to start with a clean slate - AND for that to happen, you HAVE to start by inspiring each other to lay your cards on the table.
Everything from the "ugly truth" to praise and direct feedback that you have never given each other.
It doesn´t have to happen in one sitting - but at least BEGIN the process of cutting the crap and getting honest with each other.
Again: start by LISTENING.

As I have said many times:
Nobody in the history of mankind has EVER said the sentence: "You asshole! You are actually listening to me!!".
We ALL love getting listened to. Every single one of us.
So start doing that - and you may learn a lot, get new info and perhaps get a better realationship.
And IF it turns out to be her just wanting to get back because she´s hurting right now, you will very quickly find out by asking her things like:
• What she sees in the future
• What vision she has for your RS
• What she´s willing to do
• Why she changed her mind
• What she thinks will be different this time - and how you get there (remember: she does NOT have to have a plan for this - just like you don´t - but SOME idea would certainly be worth looking for.

I would watch out for answers like "I just want the pain to go away" etc. if that´s ALL she wants to see happening.
Yes, removing the pain is PART of her MOTIVATION right now - but so should being with you be IMO.


Like I wrote previously, the important part now is that you put in place some "rules" and boundaries, so that you don´t just go back to the same old routine.
A few examples:
• Tell her that this is NOT just about getting back together to make the immediate pain go away. It´s about digging deep and making a CHANGE.
• Look at her ACTIONS - not just her words.
• Give each other e.g. 90 days to go to work on your relationship: I.e. find professional help, make a plan and vision for the two of you and start implementing it.
• Make sure that you BOTH do what needs to be done to make it work.
...etc

Hope this helps :)

stereoo
05-10-2015, 12:03 PM
Hope this helps :)

It does, thanks :)

I will send her a text tomorrow. Would like to do it now but had a heavy weekend of desperate partying so not really thinking straight and Monday always has this 'new beginning' vibe. I also want to have a clear mind when I decide to send it.
Gonna send her something like "Hey, let's talk soon then?", when she confirms I'll propose a place and time.

I'll keep you posted on how it goes.

lassebauer
05-10-2015, 01:14 PM
How about making a little less casual, and either CALLING her up, or at least making your intentions clear?
Something like "I given this a lot of thought, and I would very much like to meet and talk - and see if we can find a way to find out how we move on from here, together", or similar.

stereoo
05-10-2015, 02:36 PM
Okay.

There is one side note though that I didn't mention yet, but where I'm starting to feel guilty and worried about.

I kissed with another girl last week. It was before she texted me that she wants to try again. I just got dumped, I was doing the no contact thing, ignoring her first attempts of conversation making ("can we talk?"), seeing it as a way of her feeling guilty and an attempt to remain friends or something.
A few days after the break up I felt sad and hurt, got drunk, went out and kissed a girl. It's no one she knows or I knew, but it's someone who was working at a place I often go out. It was really a desperate move, trying to rebound asap, and that girl went with it. It happened 2 times after with the same girl on different nights at different places. I didn't have sex or anything, purely flirting and then making out, leaving it at that.
I was just messed up and very confused and needed some sort of attention I guess.

I think if we want to try to start with a clean slate, I have to tell her this. If I don't, chances are very real that she'll find out from someone else anyway, cause some people that know me have seen it happen. Gossip about these topics can get big.

I should tell her this.
When do I tell her this? Already in the first meetup? She'll be upset.
How would you advice me to do this?

I just really thought it was over and tried to prove to myself I could still get girls :/ I was very drunk every time (I should stop drinking).
I guess it's no longer a sidenote now.

lassebauer
05-11-2015, 04:20 AM
You broke up.
You were both single.
It was kissing - not participating in a gang bang and then marrying her during a satanic ritual afterwards.

I don´t see why you need to tell your (ex)GF about the other girl..?
I don´t see what there is to be gained from telling your (ex)GF?

You´re just adding unnecessary drama to your make-up, and by telling her about the other girl, you´re just unloading your guilty conscience on your (ex)gf.
You don´t get bonus points for your honesty, because the (disturbing) image of you kissing another woman will weigh far heavier in your (ex)gf´s mind than your honesty.
I don´t see why she needs to know or what good it would do.

stereoo
05-15-2015, 07:04 AM
So we talked yesterday.
She wanted to come to my place, but I wanted to avoid sex so we met outside.

A lot of crying and me keeping it rather cold at first. I know I thought I wanted to go back together, but past week had me doubt that again.
Anyway, she told me she made a big mistake, that this was (like you said) a wake up call for her. The past months she had the idea she wanted to be alone again but when we broke up she suddenly felt it was a terrible mistake. And now she totally wants to go for it again. Her friends told her it's because she's feeling lonely. But she denies that. She missed everything we had. She even said she wanted to move in together in the future and work on our relationship for many years to come. I told her our big problem was not being communicative about our feelings and she agreed we should change that if we go back together. And that I was unsure about going back together because the break up happened for a reason and I didn't want it to happen again in a few months. That I also feared that I myself wouldn't be able to forget she broke up with me once and therefore maybe not give the best of me ever again in a relationship with her. She said that I shouldn't be scared about that and we just have to make it work. She also talked about how she hated that girl she didn't trust around me being single as well now.

I planned to end the talk with a "we'll see how it turns out in a few weeks".

She kept on crying saying that we shouldn't give up our 4 years just like that and after a while I started to feel bad for her feeling so sad so I hugged her and then it became harder and harder to resist.. So we did end up at my place having sex (doh!). She stayed over and it all felt good and natural (make up sex!) but there was also this nagging feeling in the back of my mind that I wasn't sure about it yet and that this maybe wasn't the right decision. And ofcourse having sex wasn't the right decision at all. It just came naturally.
So I think she thinks now everything will be alright again, but I'm not sure yet to be honest.. In a pickle here.

hanexs
05-17-2015, 03:45 PM
Stop over analyzing things and live in the moment. She wants you back, plan some dates with her, do fun stuff and enjoy the make up sex. In a few months you may learn that rockycruz was right from the get go (no surprise), but you need to do this now to make sure your not giving up on something you will always regret.

Plan some things you always wanted t do with her, plan them on your terms. Expect her to be the girl you want her to be, be firm. And make no commitments, be caring be fun, but do not engage in talk about the future. 'Yeah babe, that might be fun, but for now let's focus on this chocolate cake and not stress about the future'. For now you are not sure where you want to be, that is ok, that is powerful, do not hide it. Continue to plan dates and adventures with her. Continue your game with others, make sure you have a wealth of things you do independently from her, 'sorry babe hitting the cottage with some buddies this sat, I should be back on Monday tho!'. Stop thinking about the future, you will likely know what you want In a few months, and if you stay firm, if you do not commit until you are sure, you will have lost nothing from a second breakup.

stereoo
05-20-2015, 03:55 PM
Thanks for the advice.

I went out again last weekend and started hooking up with this girl I knew always had been kinda into me (and likewise). We made out later that night for a whole while, almost went to her place but her male friends interrupted so it didn't go through. I felt bad and kinda disgusted by myself the day after but started chatting with that girl anyway. Been doing it for a few days now and I know she is interested and that I can score a date with her ending in sex (rebound stuff I guess) but I know It's totally not going to make me feel better about the whole situation.

My ex send me a text last night where she again told me how much of a mistake she made and how much she wants to see me and get back together etc. I didn't reply to it yet but am planning to. Still figuring out what I'm going to say.
Shall I tell her that I feel confused about the whole thing and need some time to know what I want but also propose to meet up again?

I'm starting to think that the reason I don't really miss her but do think about her constantly, is that I kind of feel angry at her for breaking up with me and it might also be the reason why I'm at this time not really interested in getting back together.
The other girl is just for rebound purposes I'm sure and it doesn't really feel right but hey.

lassebauer
05-26-2015, 09:14 AM
stereoo
I really don´t understand you.
It sounds like you´re either very immature or emotionally very off balance. Or both.

You wanted tips on what to say and do re. your ex. And you got it in spades.
I asked you if you wanted to be with your ex - yes or no, no BS bottom line: You said "YES!"
Then I gave you specific things to do and say to get the ball rolling and slowly get back together, or at least figure out if you wanted to get back together.

Now you suddenly get involved with yet another woman...?? WTF? Why??
How the hell will that help the situation??

If you don´t want to be with your ex, TELL HER.
If you want to be with her - or at least want to TRY to be with her - DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT, and focus on HER!
Either way; Man the hell up and make a decision!

You´re wasting everybody´s time - including your ex - by pussyfooting around this.
Furthermore, there is no reason to waste this forum´s time and energy, by asking for advice - and then doing the complete opposite, and/or repeating the same questions we already answered.

don juan matus
08-29-2015, 11:39 PM
ya guys, best thing to say is, after she attempts 1-4 texts or calls is " i really need time and space to think about what i really want" period

then wait 30 days to get her to come by to bang her lol or whatever sorry just teasing

this will be the best thing for her to think and realise her faults and what she really wants. if it happens again give her a 60 day time out and so on

if you were meant to be then it will all work out for the best

djm