PDA

View Full Version : How to handle No contact rule with ex in school/ what her reactions mean?



Cuncentrated
04-15-2015, 03:44 PM
My girlfriend and i have recently had a terrible and what appeared to be “final” breakup after about a month of personal issues. During this month she seemed to care less and less for me at home, never replying or not caring to message, only spending time online with others not making an effort to spend time with me. The times when we were in school (we are both 18) is when i truly feel affection from her and i know for sure that she does care about me or love me.
Even though this breakup was “final” i do feel as if she was right for me and i still love her and want her back. I decided to start NC today but the problem is we are both in the same school taking a few of the same classes where it is difficult to avoid her. We broke up over the weekend via messaging and during that entire weekend she didnt try to contact me at all and didnt seem to care. i even made the common mistake of seeming needy after the breakup and seeming sad and lost without her. Today the first day of NC after the weekend we finally see eachother again. i sit a bit away from her but during a lecture i can see her glancing multiple times at me but i paid her no attention.
Finally after the lecture she got up and stood next to my desk with an awkward smile asking “is it alright if i sit here?” (next to me) Now i know this is NC but the situation seemed as if she was upset and wanted to see how i was doing, and i just began and wasnt sure if telling her instantly “no” was the right move. So i said “sure” and moved over for her to sit but i kept quiet and busy with my work while replying to her with friendly small talk almost as if i am not truly interested.
She then said something like “This is funny.. it feels weird almost. It feels like we havent actually broken up.” i replied with a simple smile saying “Im not sure what you’re talking about.” During this encounter there was no physical contact with eachother and minimal eye contact on my part. and i made sure not to initiate any of the small conversations. that ended with her returning to her seat almost saddened but using “i’m just tired” as her excuse. About 30 minutes later in another class she sat next to me in her usual seat but randomly kicked me a bit behind my leg with a smile when i wasnt looking at her as in a “friendly”/”flirty” sort of way? im not sure how to read that.Today though i had to leave school early to go to a meeting about studying abroad and career etc. but usually in school when it is recess everyone gathers in a fixed place (usually in the past it was her, myself, and our friends) to eat and conversate happily. Apparantly she was not aware that i had left nor that i did not care at all for being with the group and during recess thought i had avoided them. When i returned home i got a message from her around the time school ends saying “You know you can still come hang out with us at recess, i may not be your girlfriend but i am still your friend.” I of course have not replied to this message.Do you think NC is the right choice here or will it work for me in this situation? I am fairly young and don’t have too much experience with many relationships. Also is there any advice on what those reactions of her’s couldve been or couldve meant and how should i handle NC if we have to be near eachother in school during certain situations? i see her everyday of the week and things are getting rather complicated and im not sure if how im handling NC is the cause or if the receieved effects are the right ones.As just an update she sat next to me in class today, this time with her friend out of nowhere and said hey, saying “don’t wana see you all alone here.” i was not under any feeling of loneliness, i was just sitting alone as i usually do, studying. Of course during our relationship she would be the one rushing to sit next to me at that exact time period. No matter how i casually said i dont know what she is talking about she would say things like “yeah i can feel your aura of loneliness and i feel a bit guilty for making you the way you are now.” i am nothing but joyful talking with friends in school so again i am not sure what that was about. I then kind of asked “Why are you here again?” and eventually she got up and left. The rest of the day i spent talking to my small friend group (which is also her best friend group) and things seemed to turn into a game with her to see who is more happy or comfortable after the breakup? i was very confused. All i was doing was talking and laughing with these few friends i have, not caring about much else and she was keeping quiet near all of us and i could see her glancing at us all at times while we laughed with eachother. She would then go to people she specifically mentioned that she didnt care for or disliked and then poke them smiling trying to talk happily about whatever. At the same time she did these things she would also glance at me with the friend group.This made me feel like it is becoming a game of showing who is happier or more comfortable. When in truth, i am simply conversing with the few friends i have, genuinely enjoying myself. She even poked a guy we both spoke about disliking due to his attitude and she tried having a conversation with him. He mentioned something about me being her boyfriend but she casually said we broke up and i did not follow along to hear the rest of that conversation.The rest of the day went exactly like this and after our “guilt” encounter she made no further attempts to come near, conversate, or sit next to me. In fact after todays events i am 110% sure she will not be trying to talk to me or sit next to me and this “game” or so it seems will continue.

Is there any advice on how to handle my no contact phase in this situation and what some of her reactions mean? thanks :)

rockycruz
04-15-2015, 07:07 PM
Finally after the lecture she got up and stood next to my desk with an awkward smile asking “is it alright if i sit here?” (next to me) Now i know this is NC but the situation seemed as if she was upset and wanted to see how i was doing, and i just began and wasnt sure if telling her instantly “no” was the right move. So i said “sure” and moved over for her to sit but i kept quiet and busy with my work while replying to her with friendly small talk almost as if i am not truly interested.

No mate. She was doing this to create an opportunity for convsersation. Using you as a tampon to get over you. Validation is what she was seeking and glad, you didn’t fall for it and she went right back to her seat.

That was a close call because if you went for it, well, you would have gone back together BUT it would have got worse. Or she will got her attention she needed, her validation that she can pull you back and use that to feel good about herself.

She wouldn’t have respected you. You'd not last long and it will get much worse.


About 30 minutes later in another class she sat next to me in her usual seat but randomly kicked me a bit behind my leg with a smile when i wasnt looking at her as in a “friendly”/”flirty” sort of way? im not sure how to read that.

Again, she was hoping you validate her ego, giving her attention, pleading with her to go back together.


When i returned home i got a message from her around the time school ends saying “You know you can still come hang out with us at recess, i may not be your girlfriend but i am still your friend.” I of course have not replied to this message.Do you think NC is the right choice here or will it work for me in this situation?

Again, she is trying to get you to be a TAMPON for her emotions to feel good about herself. Be careful. She is putting you in the role of a friend, a guy who is a beta, use you to get over you.

And when you do that, you help her get over you EASILY and then she can go off with someone else. It's her way to survive. It's a game.

NO CONTACT 100%.

She thinks she has the opportunity to use you as an emotional healing devise. Do not engage, do not contact her, do not under any circumstances make the call or validate her ego under any circumstances until you follow steps below. No answering to text messages, phone calls etc...of any kind.

You did right.


i was not under any feeling of loneliness, i was just sitting alone as i usually do, studying. Of course during our relationship she would be the one rushing to sit next to me at that exact time period. No matter how i casually said i dont know what she is talking about she would say things like “yeah i can feel your aura of loneliness and i feel a bit guilty for making you the way you are now.”

It is SHE who is lonley. It is she who is struggling with the break up which she designed with her games. She is trying to make you feel helpless, make you whimper, tail under your legs and beg her to go back. And covering up her guilt.

When she does that, laugh. Be masculine and say something to get her back to her seat. Don't engage with conversations etc.

Next. Line up the girls and go and date an attractive girl. Send a strong message to her, she ain’t in control of anything. She will try to get you back by making you feel shit and when she does, she will say to her friends..

“See. I can get any guy blah blah. He’s so desperate.”


“Why are you here again?” and eventually she got up and left.

Thats exactly how it should be mate. Show her, you are not her lost puppy but a man. Don’t let her toy you around and don’t fall for any conversation she starts.


All i was doing was talking and laughing with these few friends i have, not caring about much else and she was keeping quiet near all of us and i could see her glancing at us all at times while we laughed with eachother.

It’s attention seeking. You’re not giving her the attention. That is all it is. Trying to show she’s important, got friends, getting over you but she ain’t. It’s a game mate.

She would then go to people she specifically mentioned that she didnt care for or disliked and then poke them smiling trying to talk happily about whatever. At the same time she did these things she would also glance at me
This made me feel like it is becoming a game of showing who is happier or more comfortable.

Because to her, it is a....GAME.


She even poked a guy we both spoke about disliking due to his attitude and she tried having a conversation with him. He mentioned something about me being her boyfriend but she casually said we broke up and i did not follow along to hear the rest of that conversation.

The tactic...creating jelousy. It’s a game she’s playing. Ignore her. Do not even look at her. Don’t give her attention.

Continue no contact rule.
2. No matter what, do not go back with her UNTIL you have dating other attractive girls. No matter what mate. And when she finds that out, her game will be out of the damn window.

In fact, she will try had to either be aggressive, or she will try and text you tons, chase you even more, which you need to ignore.

Read these quick and apply the steps. All of them....

http://www.therealsavoy.com/2009/05/how-to-get-your-ex-girlfriend-back.html

http://www.lovesystems.com/dating-advice/relationships/getting-back-together-with-your-ex

Cuncentrated
04-15-2015, 08:33 PM
Thanks for the quick reply man, it is very helpful because i am kind of forced to be around her about 5 days of the week so i was unsure how this no contact phase would work out. You have answered or confirmed most if not all of my questions and suspicions.

I have just something quick to add/ask, today was day 3 and of course i was correct about the fact that she will definitely no longer initiate any contact or conversations with me, nor try to sit near me. She is still around me during recess times with our friend group though, but they usually hover towards me and she remains quiet in the distance or background continuuing her "talk to random people as if she is happy" game.

Is this reaction of hers of no longer trying to communicate or acting like i dont exist to be expected? (I do not care much, im just a bit of a confused noob. i know full and well the point of NC is to get over this hump of feeling like i need her. and im almost positive these days i know i can be happy without her.)
Also is it necessary to limit the time spent around the friend group (she will obviously be there) even more? I will be completely honest in saying i am not much of a happy go lucky "talk to everyone" kind of guy. I basically have that friend group that i chill out with most of the time and laugh around with. There are random people who i am "friendly" with but they arent the friend group (if you get what i mean). Would the no contact be more effective if i kept more away from the group at those times she is there? Or will it seem as if i am lonely (which i am not) if i keep away? Personally i think it should be fine for me to be myself just chilling there and it is kind of her problem if she feels alone now wanting attention while we speak, but opinions from others, especially those who have experience is always helpful.

P.S: i have read and agreed completely with those links you reccommended to me, thanks again

rockycruz
04-15-2015, 09:17 PM
Is this reaction of hers of no longer trying to communicate or acting like i dont exist to be expected? (I do not care much, im just a bit of a confused noob. i know full and well the point of NC is to get over this hump of feeling like i need her. and im almost positive these days i know i can be happy without her.)

Yes. It's not over mate. Give it a week or so, maybe less, and she will start again. Just ignore. Keep no contact and make sure, as you already know, to date another attractive girl.


Also is it necessary to limit the time spent around the friend group (she will obviously be there) even more?
Yes. Don't let the social group dictate your circumstances or force you into anything. I do say to guys to not worry, and still mingle with mates BUT there are times, when you got to not give a damn, expand your own social circle, and show your leadership mate. It's also for best in a way, a lesson to not rely on one social group. Always expand your social group outside to such that the girl don't know them and cannot get in.

That is why I always build social groups in places, out of my area I live and when I got older, even in other cities. That way no social group of friends dictate my lifestyle. I can go in and out of many social friends circle group. Makes you mysterious and not reliant on anyone. Be in position of strength that way.


I will be completely honest in saying i am not much of a happy go lucky "talk to everyone" kind of guy.I basically have that friend group that i chill out with most of the time and laugh around with.

She knows that and that's why she does it. They'll tire of her later on or she'll just move on. She's just doing this to handle her emotions and all that - but also mate, I'm going to be honest too. In school, college, guys and girls don't know what friendship really is. Friends, have your back. When I got divourced and she tried mingling with my guys, they literally shut her out and told her to piss off.

But that's my friends and we went through a lot together.


Would the no contact be more effective if i kept more away from the group at those times she is there?

Yes. It would be more effective. However, if you see here anywhere and she comes over, just say hi...THEN move on. Like you don't give a damn and you're too busy and got things to do.


Or will it seem as if i am lonely (which i am not) if i keep away?

Don't worry what you look like to others. The moment you do anything for validation from position of neediness you'll get hurt. It's a weak place to be in and mindset. Don't worry about what it looks like. Seperate yourself from social pressures thoughts. Not to be crazy if one of the guys you chill drop by your house. Be cool and all that but know the deal with yourself. Set your own boundaries and terms in your head. Don't worry what they think.


P.S: i have read and agreed completely with those links you reccommended to me, thanks again

No problem. You are now well armed to the teeth mate. Most guys in world don't know what you now know mate. Just chill, relax as the game unfolds. Like you don't give a damn in world cause you know what the deal is.

Now attract another attractive girl and....move on.

Cuncentrated
04-16-2015, 12:07 PM
However, if you see her anywhere and she comes over, just say hi...THEN move on.

Thank you again, and finally just for ultimate clarification (because i was unsure today) I should only say hi when SHE comes over to me or the group before i leave? I assume it still remains the same where i am not supposed to initiate any contact whatsoever. For example, if she is sitting there near the group quietly and makes no attempt to communicate with me, should i still say hi then leave, or should i leave the "hi" strictly to when she is the one who comes over and initiates contact?

rockycruz
04-16-2015, 02:44 PM
Thank you again, and finally just for ultimate clarification (because i was unsure today) I should only say hi when SHE comes over to me or the group before i leave? I assume it still remains the same where i am not supposed to initiate any contact whatsoever. For example, if she is sitting there near the group quietly and makes no attempt to communicate with me, should i still say hi then leave, or should i leave the "hi" strictly to when she is the one who comes over and initiates contact?

1. If she is sitting near group quietly, making no attempt to communicate with you, hasn't said hi.... then say hi to YOUR FRIENDS not her.
2. When you're about to leave turn to your friends and say bye, and do not say anything to her.

Leave the "Hi" strictly for when she engages but do not continue conversation. Don't give her the attention she has been seeking. Act busy, you ain't got time and move along. Don't be rude, nasty but also hold your frame, confident and walk away.

Hope things go well. You'll do fine mate. In fact, you've done really well. You have a strong mindset and you know what the deal is. Not an easy thing mate. Must guys would have crumbled. So be proud of yourself. Head high and enjoy your life.

ainsworth70
04-20-2015, 04:27 AM
You got here some good advices from rockycruz and I agree with most being said. Good posts:)

Cuncentrated
04-21-2015, 12:56 PM
So I've decided I would give a couple updates for anyone who possibly reads this thread and would like to know, also it feels better to write things like that somewhere :^)

Today is day 10 of NC and I can honestly say not much is different. Well there are changes within myself already. I started training/working out again and am regaining that core body I had before I started slacking off with my ex, I have expanded my social group somewhat, got a new look, and am already having more attraction/interaction with few females in general. I have yet to go on another date though, that I think will take a bit more time.

As for her, up to this day she has made no attempt to contact/ communicate with me and for the most part walks past me, ignores me, and just seems to try to ignore my very existence lol. At times it seems she is still playing a game with happiness after the breakup.. though I don't think she notices I give no fucks. I started leaving my social group of friends (the one she sits with) more often to either talk to other people out of that area completely or sit elsewhere alone to focus on studies. I do believe that the entire group including her takes my constant leaving now for sadness/ loneliness because she does not speak to me, even if I smile genuinely and say goodbye before I leave. I find that a bit funny honestly.

For a small example, today went as usual. No contact at all from her, and I spent a bit of time with the social group laughing and talking with them. At those times she does not even talk to other people to see if I notice anymore. the group kind of moves away from her because she is sitting quietly, depressed almost on her own making no attempt to speak to them or smile when I am around. They all kind of move in my direction and we have our fun conversations together. During this she is usually eating looking down quietly seeming depressed out of her mind almost? her expression could even be considered almost jealousy maybe a bit of anger?.. I don't really try to pay attention to it, I am just spending a bit of time with those friends before I leave anyways. Also this may or may not have any relevance whatsoever, but it appears she is eating ALOT more these days and is even gaining more and more weight/body fat.

That's about it for this update, I may or may not give updates in the future if I feel it is relevant.
Also this thread is still open to any comments/advice and I will be glad for them as well :)

Cuncentrated
04-22-2015, 12:54 PM
Hey again, so for the past 2 weeks since our breakup my ex kept her old Facebook profile picture. The picture was a significant one to us, of her with a rose I gave her on Valentine's Day. I was not sure if she intentionally kept it as that, but I am sure that she has been active with her account. Today she saw me smiling and speaking with another pretty girl who I've actually had a bit of history with and who previously used to be very into me. A few hours later I see on my news feed that she had finally changed that old photo. It wasn't even a significant photo, it was a rather depressing photo of the moon and rain falling heavily. Maybe I'm thinking too much into it but it seemed like too much of a coincidence. For future reference, and also for my benefit, what could I interpret a reaction such as this from a female or woman to mean?

rockycruz
04-22-2015, 02:43 PM
Hey again, so for the past 2 weeks since our breakup my ex kept her old Facebook profile picture. The picture was a significant one to us, of her with a rose I gave her on Valentine's Day. I was not sure if she intentionally kept it as that, but I am sure that she has been active with her account. Today she saw me smiling and speaking with another pretty girl who I've actually had a bit of history with and who previously used to be very into me. A few hours later I see on my news feed that she had finally changed that old photo. It wasn't even a significant photo, it was a rather depressing photo of the moon and rain falling heavily. Maybe I'm thinking too much into it but it seemed like too much of a coincidence. For future reference, and also for my benefit, what could I interpret a reaction such as this from a female or woman to mean?

Just focus on the new girl. It's a waste of time interpreting things but yeah, when she knows she got no control over you, she'll get bored and move on. It was all just attention seeking and it didn't work.