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View Full Version : What to do when your ex won't talk to you?



onetwothreefourfive
04-06-2015, 04:01 PM
I broke up with her in mid-January, but shortly after doubted the decision because it became clear that the reason for the breakup might have been based on a breakdown in communication more than anything else.

I then proceeded to make every mistake in the book in trying to reconcile with her. She initially said she would talk to me ("Not right now, but later") and after a couple of days I showed up at her place begging for her to come out for 15 minutes to talk it out. She didn't.

Then I sent a couple of super-long texts, and left an overly apologetic voicemail. Two weeks later, she called, and though we were smiling and laughing at the start of the call, we both became defensive and argumentative and the call ended on sort of a "whatever" kind of vibe.

We exchanged a couple of texts later that day, and then she blocked me from a couple of social networks.

And that's the last I've heard from her.

I then got a couple of online breakup systems which both advocated for a month of no contact while improving oneself, etc., which I did, and then after a month, I sent a text saying something like, "Hey, I just had dinner at [restaurant] and they have [a certain beverage that sounds like her name]. Reminded me of you. Hope you're doing well!"

No response.

Tried a similar style of text a week later. No response.
And again a week later. No response.

I asked some female friends what they thought of this and they thought she might either A) still be angry about being broken up with (she had never been broken up with before) or B) she's made a decision to not respond because either she or her friends or family have convinced her that's what she should do or C) she's worried that if she responds, she'll quickly be pulled back into the relationship.

She is quite stubborn, so if she did make up her mind to do or not do something, that's going to be hard to change.

And that's why I'm reaching out to this community and you reading this.

After waiting two more weeks, I sent her a short handwritten letter in the mail that accepted responsibility for the breakup, shortly apologized for some of my behavior, mentioned a couple of interesting things that have happened in my life since, hinted at a couple of exciting things coming up, and suggested meeting for tea one afternoon.

My goal at this point is not to get back into a relationship with her as fast as possible. My goal is more realistic, but seemingly just as difficult. I'd simply like to get a response from her, and then slowly open up a line of communication.

My current plan is to wait until two weeks have passed since sending the handwritten letter, and then try a short text like the ones I mentioned above. If a couple of those don't get a response, then I'm not sure what to do but try another month of no contact.

Some additional information: I have some things of hers that I should return to her at some point. Her brother and his girlfriend are mutual friends of mine, though not as close as they are to her (obviously). We were planning to move in together up until the day of the breakup. She has said before that she feels that we're soulmates, and surprisingly she didn't change her mind about this—she just said that sometimes soulmates aren't together forever.

Finally, I realize that moving on is the default option, and I'm open to that and honestly I'm drifting in that direction anyway, but right now I'm looking for advice from people who have been in a similar situation and have successfully reinitiated contact with an ex who initially shut them out.

Thanks for your help!

Andrew Beretta
04-06-2015, 05:22 PM
Hey man,

I’ve been on this boat. I dated a girl for a long time and she dumped me. I tried getting in contact with her and nothing worked. I wrote the letter, sent the texts, made the phone calls. But she just wouldn’t talk to me.

My advice here is to move on. You made a big decision when you decided to break up. That’s on you so you have to own it. Even if it probably wasn’t the best call. You get points for ending something you didn’t want anymore. That does take balls.

Now I think you’re focused on the wrong thing here. It sounds like you just want her to talk to you. It sounds to me like you’re looking for some kind of validation. Dude, you most likely hurt her real bad. The first breakup is the worst. So you’re probably not going to get any positive feelings from her for a long long time. You might never will.

Understand that I don’t have the whole story either. Why did you break up with her? Maybe that would give me better perspective.

-Andrew

lassebauer
04-07-2015, 02:37 AM
Hey onetwothreefour,

Why doesn´t she respond?
The very short answer is:
A + B + C (your own guesses why she doesn´t respond)
+ D: You have creeped her out by going completely overboard with your contacting her.
You break up, then do a complete 180, and now you simply come across as completely off balance and possibly someone she can´t recognize.

What to do?
You HAVE, HAVE, HAVE to leave her alone for now.
I cannot stress this enough.
The more you contact her, the more you drive her away.
And I am not talking about keeping NC for a week or two. I am talking about keeping NC until YOU have calmed down - TRULY - and you don´t have this overwhelming urge to talk to her.
Just because you have a NEED to contact her doesn´t mean you get to satisfy it. It´s not how it works.
I also have a need for a new Porsche, but that doesn´t mean I can just waltz into the local Porsche dealer and steal a car.
I know it hurts like hell. Believe me, I know.
AND - you still have to keep NC if you don´t want a restraining order or totally fuck up ANY chance of a dialogue in the future.

If a relationship dialogue is going to work, it needs to be MUTUALLY beneficial.
Right now only YOU want this dialogue, so you HAVE to give her space and peace.

How long?
Until it works!
Until you have calmed the fuck down, and until she gives you SOME indication that she is even remotely interested in talking to you.
Could be a mail, a call - hell, even a "like" on an anti-social media. Something tangible.
Right now you HAVE to leave her alone. Period.

I could answer you at length about this, because there is plenty to say about what you should and can do - but that´s why we have The Breakup Survival Guide for Men.
Check it out if you want more detailed advice. See my signature for link to the info page.

Hope this helps a bit.

rockycruz
04-07-2015, 05:53 AM
My current plan is to wait until two weeks have passed since sending the handwritten letter, and then try a short text like the ones I mentioned above. If a couple of those don't get a response, then I'm not sure what to do but try another month of no contact.

Your current plan, is to dissappear from the face of the earth mate. Like you have gone, dissappeared into the Antartic. You have become needy, desperate, and have consistently been trying to get in touch with her.

That is a no, no. Forget one month. 6 months or even a year because there are things YOU need to sort out in your life.

There are steps to put in place and even then, it does not gurantee you get your ex back BUT...these following steps will increase the liklihood. YOur actions what you have done so far has DECREASED the likelihood of getting your ex back.

No Contact isn't just about giving her space but for you too. Get your life sorted out and this fear, neediness, clingyness and what has got you to let her go in the first place. Also increasing your attractiveness, value, and your game etc.

It is about doing some steps you need and which maybe steps you glossed over and not done because your emotions are playing with you and thinking it's just about getting her back.

Read the links below and don't just choose one step but do them all and not for her, but for yourself. Note at what Nick Savoys on WHEN to re-initiate contact, from a strength not from a weak position.

How to get your ex-girlfriend back - The Real Savoy (http://www.therealsavoy.com/2009/05/how-to-get-your-ex-girlfriend-back.html)

Get Your Ex Back (http://www.lovesystems.com/dating-advice/relationships/getting-back-together-with-your-ex)

Now back away, do not re-engage! Do not text her, call her, make contact all UNTIL you do these steps. I mean all of them and not one you like and is easy to do. None of them are easy by the way.

But for pete sake mate, back off now. You're doing more harm than good in regards of ever getting back with your ex. You dumped her, you finished with her, and throughout and before, she was confused on your behavior, and is angry with you, doesn't trust you, so there is a lot of negativity about you. So give that space. Back off. Disappear...

This isn't about logic. This is emotions.

WillisWillis
04-07-2015, 11:35 AM
One thing they haven't told you so far is that you will get over her once you quit talking to her. It'll take a few months, but you'll recover. You may even remember why you broke up with her in the first place.

thebizkid
04-10-2015, 03:08 PM
These guys are right. Getting an ex back is doable, but not an easy task. First off, the percentage of getting her back is probably around 50-60%. Second, it takes a lot of patience and little room for error from no contact to re-initiating contact to gaming her again.

I took the task to get an ex back once. She broke up with me, told me she needed space, didn't think there would be a future for us, etc. etc. I really thought she was "the one" at the time. She seemed to be my "soulmate". I played it right by initiating no contact a week after the break up. About two months later she contacted me, told me she "missed me". I said, "Well, I think for right now I need time to myself to sort things out, I'll contact you when I'm ready to talk about us," which was so hard to say, but I had to do it because my mindset still had her on the pedestal. I was still weak. Off and on for a couple weeks she would text me. I didn't answer most of them, also very, very hard. Only gave her a taste once in awhile to keep her hooked.

I thought after four months of breaking up, while working out, doing stuff with my friends, dating other girls, I was going to finally re-initiate our relationship because of her interest again in texting me by saying she missed me, she made a mistake, etc. etc. etc. Instead, I realized in those several months I wasn't in love with her as much as I thought I was. Meeting new girls made me realize there were better women out there who could give me what she couldn't. I realized, if she really loved me back then, she wouldn't have left in the first place. She wouldn't have said the mean things she said during the break up. Why would I want to lower my self-esteem to bring someone back who hurt me when I was loyal and good to her? Does she really deserve me? I ended up feeling she didn't. It became easier to game a new girl and do things "right" in a relationship, then putting time into gaming an old girl when both parties (you and her) have old wounds that you carry from the previous relationship. Trust me from witnessing some friends who have re-dated exes. Those old wounds tend to show their ugly head again.

I'm not saying re-dating exes isn't doable. There are many success stories of guys who did just that and are happily married for it. But it takes a lot of patience and personal growth for both you and her to get to that point. It could take a few months to a few years before that could happen, if ever. You really do need take the time and do you. That's why they say learn to love yourself before you love someone else. And loving your self is gaining the self-esteem and confidence to not let anyone, be it a girl or a guy, walk all over you. During that time re-evaluate your relationship with her and really think if she is worth it or not. DO DATE OTHER GIRLS. And lastly, like my friend use to tell me, "I don't even think about taking an ex back unless she's practically at my door, butt naked wanting to fuck." Funny, but in this situation, so true.

Good luck and happy gaming.

WillisWillis
04-10-2015, 04:48 PM
And lastly, like my friend use to tell me, "I don't even think about taking an ex back unless she's practically at my door, butt naked wanting to fuck." Funny, but in this situation, so true.

Paradoxically--and very frustrating, as you noted--the only way to get her in that state is to completely ignore her.

thebizkid
04-11-2015, 07:12 AM
Yeah it is frustrating, but has begging, pleading, showing up to her place, not sticking to his ultimatums, etc. work? It seems to have pushed her away even more. A person becomes a female doing that shit, and females don't want to date females. I mean, being the person who initiated the break-up, he technically had the power before he gave it up begging for her back. She became attracted to him in the beginning because he had the balls to be a MAN. That's what the basis of this whole forum is about. It's not just about getting fucked, it's also about being a MAN in every aspect of your life. He did what a lot of men do in a relationship. They get comfortable because they're getting fucked, they think because there is a label on the relationship, and the sex is mind blowing, that the woman is theirs forever. So they become beta. A woman is gonna test you from the day you meet her till death do you part. There's never a break. It's always game on. Unfortunately, the shit never ends being a PUA, single or taken. Girls are like cats. She might claw and hiss, hide from you for a little bit, but if you ignore a cat, they always come to you looking to get petted again. I'm not saying men should be a dick always, but if a woman is testing your principles, beliefs, and/or situations like this (break-up) in a relationship, a man needs to stand his ground and be willing to walk away forever. More than likely, she'll come around again. Maybe not when you want them to, but more like when you least expect it I've come to find out over the years.

Andrew Beretta
04-11-2015, 10:03 PM
These guys are right. Getting an ex back is doable, but not an easy task. First off, the percentage of getting her back is probably around 50-60%. Second, it takes a lot of patience and little room for error from no contact to re-initiating contact to gaming her again.

I took the task to get an ex back once. She broke up with me, told me she needed space, didn't think there would be a future for us, etc. etc. I really thought she was "the one" at the time. She seemed to be my "soulmate". I played it right by initiating no contact a week after the break up. About two months later she contacted me, told me she "missed me". I said, "Well, I think for right now I need time to myself to sort things out, I'll contact you when I'm ready to talk about us," which was so hard to say, but I had to do it because my mindset still had her on the pedestal. I was still weak. Off and on for a couple weeks she would text me. I didn't answer most of them, also very, very hard. Only gave her a taste once in awhile to keep her hooked.

I thought after four months of breaking up, while working out, doing stuff with my friends, dating other girls, I was going to finally re-initiate our relationship because of her interest again in texting me by saying she missed me, she made a mistake, etc. etc. etc. Instead, I realized in those several months I wasn't in love with her as much as I thought I was. Meeting new girls made me realize there were better women out there who could give me what she couldn't. I realized, if she really loved me back then, she wouldn't have left in the first place. She wouldn't have said the mean things she said during the break up. Why would I want to lower my self-esteem to bring someone back who hurt me when I was loyal and good to her? Does she really deserve me? I ended up feeling she didn't. It became easier to game a new girl and do things "right" in a relationship, then putting time into gaming an old girl when both parties (you and her) have old wounds that you carry from the previous relationship. Trust me from witnessing some friends who have re-dated exes. Those old wounds tend to show their ugly head again.

I'm not saying re-dating exes isn't doable. There are many success stories of guys who did just that and are happily married for it. But it takes a lot of patience and personal growth for both you and her to get to that point. It could take a few months to a few years before that could happen, if ever. You really do need take the time and do you. That's why they say learn to love yourself before you love someone else. And loving your self is gaining the self-esteem and confidence to not let anyone, be it a girl or a guy, walk all over you. During that time re-evaluate your relationship with her and really think if she is worth it or not. DO DATE OTHER GIRLS. And lastly, like my friend use to tell me, "I don't even think about taking an ex back unless she's practically at my door, butt naked wanting to fuck." Funny, but in this situation, so true.

Good luck and happy gaming.

Very very well said man.

WillisWillis
04-13-2015, 08:20 PM
Yeah it is frustrating, but has begging, pleading, showing up to her place, not sticking to his ultimatums, etc. work? It seems to have pushed her away even more.
My downfall, and I suspect a lot of guys have the same problem, has always been thinking I can game a girl back into attraction when she's losing interest or has outright dumped me. The answer is to lay low for a while or completely disappear, whatever the situation calls for. But I always fooled myself into thinking I could send that one witty text or say the right thing on the phone to win her back. It's a terrible strategy and it stems from oneitis. Approaching regularly is the only way I've kept myself from chasing girls who aren't into me anymore.

Nearly every guy who shows up here complaining about a break up needs to learn the same lesson.