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View Full Version : GF dumped me; went NC; now she's all over the place. Help!



Mandarin
04-06-2015, 06:29 AM
So, I'd been dating this girl off and on for a few months, she claimed to love me (we have much in common, many mutual friends/interests, etc.), but she was scared by the age difference (22 years). We were exclusive by default for a bit, but she ultimately determined she wanted to find someone closer to her age to marry... I didn't put up a fight. We agreed to continue to see each other until she found someone.

Three weeks ago, over brunch, she tells me that she has known a guy for about half a year, had been out with him a few times, and wanted to try to make a go of things with him. She told me who he was, etc. and said that she wanted to continue to be friends with me (but no more sexual contact). I expressed some skepticism in our ability to maintain a platonic relationship, but didn't rule it out immediately, either. We had a terrific rest of the day together, went to a great party where I introduced her to a lot of interesting people, and then I dropped her at her home, acting completely friendly and nonchalant, but didn't make any attempt to kiss her.

After dropping her off and waving good bye, I drove around the corner, called her, and told her that I had enjoyed our relationship and didn't have any hard feelings (wasn't mad, etc.), but that it was over. She tried throwing out different scenarios, see each other less often, just in groups, texting, calls, etc. but I said no, that being "just friends" was not likely to work and that we wouldn't have any further contact.

The following day, I blocked her on Facebook.

For the next two weeks, she attempted to contact my about once per day on average by either text, e-mail, phone, FB messenger (even though I had blocked her, I got a message from "Facebook user" asking how I was doing 90 seconds after I had checked in from a social event). I ignored all attempts to contact me.

After about 2 1/2 weeks, I ran into her and two friends at a bar--- they were literally right inside the front door. I knew both of her friends well, said I had just come in to grab a cup of coffee before heading to the gym, and remained standing while I talked to them. They were all friendly and engaging and my ex tried to make an excuse to get me alone for a sec (she offered to walk me over to a different coffee bar), but I declined, kept things upbeat and short, then left after about 10 minutes.

Then, last night, 3 1/2 weeks into NC, I went to my usual Sunday night place for dinner... where I eat at the bar in the back of the dining room, it is typically very quiet on Sunday night. I had taken her there twice, and she knew that I went there without fail EVERY Sunday night at a certain time. Indeed, I had joked with a couple of friends after going NC that that would be the ONLY place she would be certain to find me if she tried to stalk me, because of the rest of my daily schedule is so erratic.

Anyway, I walk in to eat, via the side door, and lo-and-behold, there my ex is... on a date... and I am compelled to take one of the 2 open seats, directly next to my ex's date at the bar. She immediately comes over and says hi, and I introduce myself to her date. It becomes immediately clear that: A) the date is NOT the guy she said she was dumping me for; and B) it is a first date.

She mentions that she had "thought" she might see me... yeah, no kidding. To be clear, we live in a major city with dozens of fine restaurants, and this place is miles from her house.

So... my question: what the hell was she doing and why?

hanexs
04-06-2015, 06:58 AM
Well its pretty obvious she wants your attention right, that often happens when you go no contact.

She wants you to validate her so she can feel better about leaving you. She wants you to tell her you still want her, so she can entertain that for an hour or two, and then feel better that she won. The other dates with new guys. Aren't ad validating as you are, so she brings them there to make you jealous.

The question i think you really want to know the answer to is, does she want you back, has she changed? I don't see anything from your texts that make me think that is so. Has she done anything to make you believe that she has?

When a girl wants to continue stringing a guy along, shell send texts like 'hey thought of you today, how was your day?'.... When she realizes she made a mistake shell say. 'I can't believe how stupid I was. I love you and want you back.'. Which one is closer to what she is sending you?

Mandarin
04-06-2015, 07:09 AM
Thanks for the quick response. No, I am definitely not getting any signs that she wants to get back. Rather, she has sent me messages saying she "wants/needs to talk," and another where she said she had two tickets to the symphony and "Misses you (me) and our talks. Would you (me) consider meeting me and having a nice time as friends?" (I obviously ignored that text, as well.)

What's my next move here (other than to continue with NC)? I feel like it was a bit childish that I blocked her on FB, but I didn't want her blowing up my feed (she is a prolific Facebooker), but now that that is done, I don't feel I should reverse it, otherwise she would take it as an indication of interest from me.

BTW, I'm still crazy about this girl, but pragmatic, as well. If it's not going to work, it's not going to work. Would like her back, but also don't want to waste my time and/or compromise my integrity.

Tank
04-06-2015, 08:31 AM
While some elements of this could have been done slightly more elegant, overall you did a good job of setting a boundary when you realized you wanted something else than her. Maybe that's the first time this girl has experienced a guy with abundance.

Unless you want some "theather buddy" you can validate with your attention when it suits her, I say, keep doing what you're doing (politely but firmly cutting contact) and get out meeting some new women. That should also cure the "would like her back" thoughts.

Mandarin
04-06-2015, 09:11 AM
Solid advice, Tank. Thanks.

Out of curiosity, what could I have done more elegantly? Hopefully, I won't be getting dumped again by someone anytime soon, but if I do, I'd like to improve my performance as dumpee.

Duut
04-06-2015, 10:28 AM
After dropping her off and waving good bye, I drove around the corner, called her,

Next time just do this face to face, personally I think this is very lame. You two have just been together and there was plenty of time to say what you wanted to say. Calling right after you dropped her off and then tell her what was on your mind is not self confident. If you are honest to your self I'm positive you agree with me that you did this just because it was easier for you, because you felt "safer"

But overall I've to say, nicely done.. the whole NC working like it should work. You are driving her crazy with this. As said in the post before me, she wants you to validate her. She wants to know she could have you when she wants. Continue as you were and who knows, maybe she will come begging for you. Just enjoy this, you have her in your hand.

Mandarin
04-06-2015, 10:37 AM
Yep. My concern about doing it face to face was that it would have turned into a long, drawn-out affair in my car, possibly ending in her using sex as a means to manipulate me to stay in. (I left out mentioning that she had discussed ending our sexual relationship a month earlier, and when I agreed, but told her i was moving on, she threw herself at me, we ended up in bed for the night, but then she started drifting away again.)

She is an extremely attractive, desirable woman who is used to being able to insinuate herself into all sorts of situations through flirting. I have no doubt she isn't used to being treated like this, particularly by a guy over 20 years older than she is.

Ironically, her behavior last night makes me even more inclined to move on, and more resolute in my desire to maintain NC.

Tank
04-06-2015, 11:20 AM
Out of curiosity, what could I have done more elegantly?What Duut said. It seemed silly/strange to hang out all day then to call her shortly after having dropped her off. But what's important is that you did what had to be done in order to not become her next orbiter. She'll get over it, and you are more experienced for next time.

hanexs
04-06-2015, 12:56 PM
Anyway, I walk in to eat, via the side door, and lo-and-behold, there my ex is... on a date... and I am compelled to take one of the 2 open seats, directly next to my ex's date at the bar. She immediately comes over and says hi, and I introduce myself to her date. It becomes immediately clear that: A) the date is NOT the guy she said she was dumping me for; and B) it is a first date.

This is obviously not the kind of action you would expect from a quality friend or a lover. Its speaks to her maturity that she would do this after leaving YOU. As if leaving a guy isn't enough hurt for them, women have to pull these stunts when you dont grieve the way they want you to grieve.

She knew it was your place, she knew she'd see you there, she used a dude to play with your brain. (imagine how excited this guy was to go on the date, meanwhile the whole time he's just a tool for the pain she was trying to cause you) It's just not cool, or very mature of her to act in this way. One more reason to keep up the NC.

lassebauer
04-06-2015, 01:57 PM
I think you´ve gotten some very balanced and insightful replies already.
Let me add something that seems to have been left out:

She is trying to play you like a fiddle. Plain and simple.
And YOU, my friend, invited her to do so.
When?
Let me quote you: "(...) she ultimately determined she wanted to find someone closer to her age to marry... I didn't put up a fight. We agreed to continue to see each other until she found someone."

You LET yourself be decimated to a placeholder, until she could find someone better! Plain and simple!
Why the hell would you do that?
Perhaps you´re somewhat flattered by the fact that she´s young? Perhaps you feel you scored above your paygrade?
Perhaps you want her body/sex so badly, that you allow her to get away with this kind of behavior?

Before that, she gave you some lame excuse that your age difference was of concern to her.
That´s pure BS. It certainly wasn´t an issue when you met and dated.

I´m pretty sure you scored her BECAUSE you are older, more experienced and mature than her. NOT despite!
She loved that. THAT´s one of the main reasons she was with you.
I´m guessing you lost that edge or coolness that drew her to you - and then she suddenly felt the age difference was an issue.

Now you get this erratic and immature behavior from her, where she basically just tries to keep you handy while exploring other avenues and even planning a date at a venue where she KNOWS you´ll show up. Bitch, please! REALLY??

Her agenda is to keep you handy for whatever reason. Affirmation, ego-boost, powertrip, company...who knows.
This shouldn´t come as a surprise to you, given the fact that you already accepted being her backup plan when you talked about breaking up.
And I am sure there is also a huge element of "You don´t dump me! You don´t control this situation! This is not over until I don´t have anymore use for you" on her part - which is why you experience this push-pull behavior from her.

The REAL question here is: What is YOUR agenda??
Why the hell would you let a young, immature woman play you like this?

You´ve clearly got your shit together enough to date younger women. Which also means that you can without a doubt find another young woman or women, if that´s what you want.
But you need to understand, that the NUMBER ONE REASON why younger women date certain older men, is because those older men HAVE THEIR SHIT TOGETHER and DON`T TAKE ANY SHIT from these women!
The moment you succumb to her games and manipulation you are no better than the hoards of other men who put her on a pedestal and jump thru her hoops.
Oh, wait - you´re actually WORSE off than them, because you´re older than them - and now that you don´t have those attractive "cool, older man" features, you´re out.

"We agreed to continue to see each other until she found someone."
You seriously need to read that line a couple of times.
This mental attitude towards yourself, your values and how you see your value as a man, is CRUCIAL!

Why the hell would you accept having half a woman - and why the hell would you accept being her backup plan?

WillisWillis
04-06-2015, 03:24 PM
This is obviously not the kind of action you would expect from a quality friend or a lover. Its speaks to her maturity that she would do this after leaving YOU. As if leaving a guy isn't enough hurt for them, women have to pull these stunts when you dont grieve the way they want you to grieve.

She knew it was your place, she knew she'd see you there, she used a dude to play with your brain. (imagine how excited this guy was to go on the date, meanwhile the whole time he's just a tool for the pain she was trying to cause you) It's just not cool, or very mature of her to act in this way. One more reason to keep up the NC.

Very interesting. Largely because of what I read here, I cut off contact with my ex about a week after the break up. We had one brief text exchange and then I went silent. I never begged her for a second chance or tried to have a relationship talk, and I played it as cool as I could when I saw her around. The following week, she showed up somewhere she knew I had to be with her new dude. I'd bet money that my lack of fucks given (in public, anyway) was her motivation for pulling such a stunt.

Mandarin
04-07-2015, 05:33 AM
This is obviously not the kind of action you would expect from a quality friend or a lover. Its speaks to her maturity that she would do this after leaving YOU. As if leaving a guy isn't enough hurt for them, women have to pull these stunts when you dont grieve the way they want you to grieve.

She knew it was your place, she knew she'd see you there, she used a dude to play with your brain. (imagine how excited this guy was to go on the date, meanwhile the whole time he's just a tool for the pain she was trying to cause you) It's just not cool, or very mature of her to act in this way. One more reason to keep up the NC.

This was exactly my thinking. When I've been the one doing the dumping, my objective is always to exit the situation as gracefully as possible. I couldn't begin to conceive of trying to throw a new potential love interest in an ex's face. Not cool.

And, yes, I was thinking about this guy she was with, as well. Completely oblivious to the fact he was being used as an unwitting pawn in some sort of weird power play. Not cool, either.

Mandarin
04-07-2015, 05:59 AM
I think you´ve gotten some very balanced and insightful replies already.
Let me add something that seems to have been left out:

She is trying to play you like a fiddle. Plain and simple.
And YOU, my friend, invited her to do so.
When?
Let me quote you: "(...) she ultimately determined she wanted to find someone closer to her age to marry... I didn't put up a fight. We agreed to continue to see each other until she found someone."

You LET yourself be decimated to a placeholder, until she could find someone better! Plain and simple!
Why the hell would you do that?
Perhaps you´re somewhat flattered by the fact that she´s young? Perhaps you feel you scored above your paygrade?
Perhaps you want her body/sex so badly, that you allow her to get away with this kind of behavior?

Actually, we had agreed that we would both find other people, but continue to have a relationship until that time. In truth, I wasn't really interested in dating someone else, and didn't aggressively pursue other options. The power in the relationship clearly shifted at that point. In retrospect, that was the time to end things, instead of letting things play out as they did.


Before that, she gave you some lame excuse that your age difference was of concern to her.
That´s pure BS. It certainly wasn´t an issue when you met and dated.

I´m pretty sure you scored her BECAUSE you are older, more experienced and mature than her. NOT despite!
She loved that. THAT´s one of the main reasons she was with you.
I´m guessing you lost that edge or coolness that drew her to you - and then she suddenly felt the age difference was an issue.

At the beginning, she was definitely pursuing me... and I delayed meeting up with her for awhile because of the age difference. On our first date, however, she brought up the age thing, and proceeded to do so periodically throughout the entire time we dated. Her stated concerns were: 1) she wanted someone she could have children with and grow old together with; and 2) she was worried about what other people would think. Over time, she raised these objections less and less frequently. I interpreted that as a sign things were working themselves out. In retrospect, I suspect that the reason she stopped raising the age issue is that she had already decided to move on.


Now you get this erratic and immature behavior from her, where she basically just tries to keep you handy while exploring other avenues and even planning a date at a venue where she KNOWS you´ll show up. Bitch, please! REALLY??

Her agenda is to keep you handy for whatever reason. Affirmation, ego-boost, powertrip, company...who knows.
This shouldn´t come as a surprise to you, given the fact that you already accepted being her backup plan when you talked about breaking up.
And I am sure there is also a huge element of "You don´t dump me! You don´t control this situation! This is not over until I don´t have anymore use for you" on her part - which is why you experience this push-pull behavior from her.

Agreed. Part of her agenda, I suspect, was that I am relatively high-status among her circle of friends and acquaintances, and she derived value from being able to brag that she was close to me. Even now, I suspect she may still be allowing her friends to believe we are continuing to date.


The REAL question here is: What is YOUR agenda??
Why the hell would you let a young, immature woman play you like this?

You´ve clearly got your shit together enough to date younger women. Which also means that you can without a doubt find another young woman or women, if that´s what you want.
But you need to understand, that the NUMBER ONE REASON why younger women date certain older men, is because those older men HAVE THEIR SHIT TOGETHER and DON`T TAKE ANY SHIT from these women!
The moment you succumb to her games and manipulation you are no better than the hoards of other men who put her on a pedestal and jump thru her hoops.
Oh, wait - you´re actually WORSE off than them, because you´re older than them - and now that you don´t have those attractive "cool, older man" features, you´re out.

All fair points. It's been awhile since I have dated a girl that much younger than me, and I think that I was too quick to excuse her behavior at times as being just due to her age, rather than due to problems with our relationship. We have a great deal in common, and collectively, we were able to collaborate pretty effectively on certain things, and that definitely contributed to my "giving her a pass" when I shouldn't have.


"We agreed to continue to see each other until she found someone."
You seriously need to read that line a couple of times.
This mental attitude towards yourself, your values and how you see your value as a man, is CRUCIAL!

Why the hell would you accept having half a woman - and why the hell would you accept being her backup plan?

Yup. Agree 100%. I think the lesson here was that I wasn't honest with myself about my intentions. When the relationship shifted from us thinking about a future relationship to more of a friends with benefits deal, that wasn't my intent. I was still hoping things would evolve into a more serious relationship, while she really was just looking at it as a friends with benefits deal and actively looking for a new partner.

Rather than convincing myself that I would be happy doing friends with benefits, I should have gone NC at that point and moved on, rather than thinking it would all magically work out over time into a deeper relationship.