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Ascetic
03-14-2015, 10:39 AM
Hey everyone,

I haven't been into pua in years now, it got me the greatest chick that I've been with for 3 years.

The last two weeks have been madness. Out of nowhere she dropped some bombs that we should break up and of course she "still wants me in her life but right now I can't be her lover" She doesn't want someone else I know that, she wouldn't want me around if she was moving on. She just says she needs to figure everything out.

Ok, sparing you the mushy shit, cause lets face it it's all perspective that doesn't matter. I'll just say it was legit. We've been long distance about a year but after this semester we were moving in together to start our lives.

I've been busy as shit, definitely didn't make enough time for her but when I'd ask if she was ok with how things were it was always met positively(seems like I might have planted the seeds of doubt in her mind) I mean on V-day even she was telling me how she can't live without me, how happy i make her, how she could do this for 10 more years if that's what we had to do, how she wants to marry me and live forever, etc.

So it's not a lie, it's not a weakass relationship. The long distance makes people bond tighter than an average one I've come to learn because instead of always turning physical you can really tap into the bond women need. I already have a flight out in may at the end of the semester where we were to look at places to live.

When she announced breaking up two weeks ago, I lost the frame, I was blindsided, said some shit that's always just water under the bridge in the long term that she forgives me for. Since then I have known I need to not try to be her friend, that's not what pua taught me. I need to make her miss me, but I can't help it. I was ready to marry this girl.

I've been a chump since then, giving her my attention while I see hers wane, reaching out and not getting what I need, taking a day off from contacting her and inevitably she reaches out at night. I've given her my time at night on skype for her to fall asleep with my presence(fucked up right? If she doesn't want to be with me she shouldn't get that from me anymore) and the worst part is our anniversary is next week.

I've been working on a project for a year to send her, it was the hardest thing I have ever been through to finish it during this. It was a smattering of gifts relative to all our inside jokes and everything she and I have shared. For a year I'd write down on a post it note and put in a jar something I loved about her. She made me a notebook years ago, I wrote in it weekly for 2 years for this day to give to her. Stuff like that is from the heart. So while I've been hurting, I've held onto hope that this will snap her out of it when she sees that when I didn't have time for her I was always thinking of her.

I know that looks beta but when you're in a relationship it was always my understanding that you tone down gameplay and move into the real part.

How bad have I fucked up sticking around for two weeks? We're going to skype on our "anniversary" to open presents together and I'm thinking of setting terms then that I won't do this any longer, but will 2 weeks of being a chump negate that effect now? Is it too late to walk away and make her miss me?

Any advice from the masters is greatly appreciated. Your help got me her, so I turn to where I started to begin again.

rockycruz
03-14-2015, 06:24 PM
Hey everyone,

I haven't been into pua in years now, it got me the greatest chick that I've been with for 3 years.

The last two weeks have been madness. Out of nowhere she dropped some bombs that we should break up and of course she "still wants me in her life but right now I can't be her lover" She doesn't want someone else I know that, she wouldn't want me around if she was moving on. She just says she needs to figure everything out.

Ok, sparing you the mushy shit, cause lets face it it's all perspective that doesn't matter. I'll just say it was legit. We've been long distance about a year but after this semester we were moving in together to start our lives.

I've been busy as shit, definitely didn't make enough time for her but when I'd ask if she was ok with how things were it was always met positively(seems like I might have planted the seeds of doubt in her mind) I mean on V-day even she was telling me how she can't live without me, how happy i make her, how she could do this for 10 more years if that's what we had to do, how she wants to marry me and live forever, etc.

So it's not a lie, it's not a weakass relationship. The long distance makes people bond tighter than an average one I've come to learn because instead of always turning physical you can really tap into the bond women need. I already have a flight out in may at the end of the semester where we were to look at places to live.

When she announced breaking up two weeks ago, I lost the frame, I was blindsided, said some shit that's always just water under the bridge in the long term that she forgives me for. Since then I have known I need to not try to be her friend, that's not what pua taught me. I need to make her miss me, but I can't help it. I was ready to marry this girl.

I've been a chump since then, giving her my attention while I see hers wane, reaching out and not getting what I need, taking a day off from contacting her and inevitably she reaches out at night. I've given her my time at night on skype for her to fall asleep with my presence(fucked up right? If she doesn't want to be with me she shouldn't get that from me anymore) and the worst part is our anniversary is next week.

I've been working on a project for a year to send her, it was the hardest thing I have ever been through to finish it during this. It was a smattering of gifts relative to all our inside jokes and everything she and I have shared. For a year I'd write down on a post it note and put in a jar something I loved about her. She made me a notebook years ago, I wrote in it weekly for 2 years for this day to give to her. Stuff like that is from the heart. So while I've been hurting, I've held onto hope that this will snap her out of it when she sees that when I didn't have time for her I was always thinking of her.

I know that looks beta but when you're in a relationship it was always my understanding that you tone down gameplay and move into the real part.

How bad have I fucked up sticking around for two weeks? We're going to skype on our "anniversary" to open presents together and I'm thinking of setting terms then that I won't do this any longer, but will 2 weeks of being a chump negate that effect now? Is it too late to walk away and make her miss me?

Any advice from the masters is greatly appreciated. Your help got me her, so I turn to where I started to begin again.

It is natural for a guy to think by trying to impress her, trying to be there for her, he will get her back. Surprise...surprise....it makes it worse. You must now, do what is difficult for you and go against what YOU think works. What you're doing is only going to make it worse.

No rationalizing mate. None of this "Oh this is different" and "Oh because this is now getting real, I must work hard to do this.." and "oh because it's long distance." Whatever logic you got in your head, let it go.

1. NO CONTACT. 100%. Grab your balls. You're going on a roller coast MAN ride.
2. You even break this rule, you diminish, CRUSH any hope of getting her back and doing so, with self respect in tact.
3. No phone calls. No text messages. No emails. No replies. Nothing, nadda zip. No sleep night calls to HELP HER sleep. Enough already!
4. Finally, I don't care if she said the dog died, a tornado is ripping her village up, the roof fell off. NO CONTACT means no contact.

"Oh but isn't it disrespectful to not reply to her phone calls, texts, emails."

No. It ain't. It is needy, desperate and lack of self respect for a man who is pursuing someone who dumped his ass and is trying so hard to get the woman back by being there.

DISAPPEAR! And do it now!

When a guy has this happen to him, he needs to buy a ticket to Antarctic and disappear from the face of earth, where she now feels what it's like to not have him there.

"But if I don't keep in touch, she will forget me."

You do more damage than any positive by keeping in touch.

Believe, she will not forget you when you do this. She will be wondering why you ain't chasing, being a average frustrated chump, and calling her, replying to her emails, texts, phones like a frustrated wussy Knight in Shining Armour - as you sing lullaby to her so she can go to sleep.

She WILL be thinking of you. She will miss you. However, it doesn't mean you will suddenly get her back but the ratio in the chance of getting her back increases when you make no contact. The chances goes to zero if you keep in contact, replying to her messages, phone calls and doing all sorts to "help her."

By staying in touch the way you have been doing shows your lack of self worth, your a push over, have no respect for yourself. You're proving to her why she don't want to be with you.

Some reading on the subject...

How to get your ex-girlfriend back - The Real Savoy (http://www.therealsavoy.com/2009/05/how-to-get-your-ex-girlfriend-back.html)

Get Your Ex Back (http://www.lovesystems.com/dating-advice/relationships/getting-back-together-with-your-ex)

Get Over an Ex (http://www.lovesystems.com/dating-advice/relationships/future-s-classic-article-on-conquering-oneitis-beatricide)

Duut
03-14-2015, 07:52 PM
Rockycruz is right, when she breaks up or wants a break with you all the boyfriend stuff you did should go away immediately.
And you can even say this to her, you shouldn't place yourself in the teddy bear role for her.
If she wants to figure stuff out, fine.. but we aren't continuing like nothing happened.

TheRogue
03-14-2015, 08:29 PM
What was her reason for breaking up with you? What do you think is the REAL reason she said what she said?

She can't have her cake and eat it too. Either she breaks up with you for good and you establish complete no-contact, or she works out whatever is going on in her head without dumping her baggage on you. This whole opening presents while broken up is BS.

Tell her that after some thought, you need space for yourself to deal with the situation. Then, go no-contact. She NEEDS space to miss you and really feel what her life would be like without you. Don't contact her on your anniversary. It'll be painful, but she needs to feel the full brunt of what she lost.

As far as getting her back, that depends on what led to the demise of the relationship in the first place, which is not quite clear from your post.

Rogue

Ascetic
03-15-2015, 02:22 PM
Man, I want to tell you guys "but she's different, but she's this, but she's that" and argue because i'm a weakling at the moment.

So thanks for not buying that crap.

I will say, it's different in this regard, I'm her first everything. She has severe trust issues stemming from having been heavily abused by an older guy when she was younger. When I met her she was falling apart and I just wanted to be her friend and help, I couldn't entertain the notion of an LDR, like uh what? But she blossomed into a able wonderful person, solely based on me being her strength and fell for me as I did her, she validated my perception of myself as she grew. So she doesn't know a thing about guys and dating and romance and game, I just fear instead of making her miss me I'll completely break her. Maybe it's toxic for me to be with her but it never was. I know I'm rationalizing but at the same time, isn't pua is just a guideline because every person is different? I've seen girls that crumble under it and girls that it doesn't work on. Can I be sure this will work and not backfire?

So, could going cold turkey and missing our anniversary make her spite me instead of just miss me? I know when I pull away she runs in and she acts real, which I roll with and tap into her heart then the next day she goes cold until the night. She'll say one day "i just dont know what to do" and in response to me being back in frame rolls out with "i love you" and like catches herself. She didn't call the break, I wasn't standing for the push-pull I was getting and told her if she wants to then to end it and she has been half in half out ever since, I guess she's just following my lead. It's bogus to see that it went bad, realistically up until a few weeks back everything was as good as ever. This is both our final semesters and we're absolutely slammed and I changed shifts so quality time got cut down and she said she felt like a burden to me and like I didn't care. It's not really like anything bad even happened, she just is hurt and I'm hurt. This doesn't really seem like game material but I'm just desperate, which is how I don't fix it by being a lost fool.

So, no contact eh? I can imagine the power that would have given the intimate endearing level of the gifts I sent her, all of it created, not just random stuff she likes that one could buy. That I have worked on throughout our best days for this year, to give her just before we go into the end phase. After her acting this way, this was to be closure to me, as I accept it's over(or try) If I take that away from myself, I leave with a bitter taste and not that sense of walking away head tall, but it does sound perfect, 2 years of a journal detailing all our best moments and to be missing and her see everything she thought was wrong. The whole gift package has really deep stuff about us. I am not planning on this saving us, but I know it will hit her hard, just damn, do I take that joy away from myself by not being there?

I know, I know, rationalizing...help

WillisWillis
03-15-2015, 03:27 PM
I know, I know, rationalizing...help
You are. Just step away, dude. Take some time to clear your head. It sucks, I know, but it really is the best medicine.

Ascetic
03-15-2015, 08:14 PM
Alright...shit. I know its goofy but I wanted someone to offer a different way relative to my special situation. Truth is, I already knew the answer. NC begins.

I guess this is a kind of oneitis but well, it was a deeply intimate and invovled 3 year long affair. We live 2k miles apart but met up every 3 months throughout. The passion that builds between each was nothing I ever felt and the bond that formed in the embers aftee the most recent visit.

Pua is a fucked mentality. I never gave a shit about any of the girls I tossed off after closing the deal. In some manner of perception I always thought if a girl can be so easily pulled I dont even want a relationship with her, she'll do the same to me, she doesn't value herself enough to make it a challenge.

All I ever wanted was to meet the girl that saw it for what it was but respected the effort and that's how we got involved. I respected her. Well, I guess we'll see what happens in the interim.

Thanks everyone

lt22
03-15-2015, 11:01 PM
If it was 2000 miles long distance, she has definitely met someone closer to her or just doesn't think pursuing a relationship with you is worth it anymore. Over the 3.5 years you all dated, she developed confidence and possibly got over her issues (through your help). And honestly, most women won't leave a guy until they have the replacement lined up.
Over the past few months did you notice a change in behavior? Was she less available, or didn't feel like skyping, or was a little disconnected? These are common signs that she was talking to someone else. I've been there and done this. In the past I did the same thing, I stuck around. It doesn't work, do what the other guys have told you. Go no contact for months, it doesn't matter if she contacts you or not.
Remove her from all social media, skype, etc. Don't worry about disrespect by not replying or answering her. You don't owe her anything, she is trying to string you along. She didn't even give you a good reason for the break up and wasn't even honest enough to tell you she met someone else, or doesn't love you anymore. You owe her nothing.

What you do now is work on yourself. Make some goals, whatever they may be (in the past I made a few like lose 20 pounds by a certain time, stuff like this). Get a new haircut, go buy a new suit. Get hobbies to keep yourself busy. Become a better version of yourself.
Then find a better girl closer to you.

Ascetic
03-16-2015, 01:06 AM
Well this thread is pretty much done. I let her know tonight I'm done in a nice enough way. She broke down and told me she's been trying to push me away because she feels guilty that she's not going to fulfill my "needs" for a while because she was raped three weeks ago and has been a mess. Just wanted to know I will be there for her if she can't be sexual for a time and basically concoted everything to make that happen without having to tell me, she thought I would hate her for it.

Fucking... this world. Rage.

So in my own selfish regard, I wasn't wrong about any of it. But more importantly than any of that is helping her through this.

Its a relief to not have lost her but I feel awful now for being so into myself. Honestly though, when you know someone more than they know themselves and you call out all the shit and finally just have to walk away, I'd rather it have been that then this have happened to her.

TheRogue
03-16-2015, 01:25 AM
Wow. Did not expect that. That's horrible and I hope she presses charges against the POS that did this. The world is a fucked up place, but I hope the two of you can stick it out and get through this. Good luck, and stay strong.

Rogue

Ascetic
03-18-2015, 04:25 PM
Update to this.

She's started therapy and honestly so have I. Im not sure what is gonna happen and im trying to get the skills to cope with what happened as well as prepare myself for a turnout that is not what I think may be.

Im here supporting her as she has asked, she can't be a gf right now because she's not sure she'll ever want to be touched but then said last night "even if we're not together I'd still fuck you." Wut?

Texts run cold most of the day but she says her days are hard, but we're talking and skyping at night. I've asked her if she sees us being together and she said "I hope so" so I asked her why we aren't together and she said "she needs to know she can get through this alone because she doesn't want me to hurt" I asked her if she's still going to come out here she loves the idea of it but isn't sure because "I'm not sure where we are going to be by then" hasn't changed Facebook relationship status(like that matters) was the first to say Happy Anniversary last night after I told her to look at the time. Still get an occasional I love you but only if I say it. Falls asleep hugging my shirt because it smells like me, but cried at the ring That was in the gift because she's not sure she's capable of loving. Said she "went to bed happy but woke up sad because she feels like she fucked everything up between us". That she "spent weeks convincing herself we couldn't be together but now has new feelings about everything."

Its like she's giving me clues but its still not enough for me to know if I'm gonna end up friendzoned in the next few months by being her support through this.

It's probably even evil to consider what I need to do to get absolutes right now but the need to start putting things in motion if we do get together so it kind of requires definition relatively soon.


Do any of the typical rules of getting back an ex apply?

Any advice?

hanexs
04-06-2015, 06:31 AM
All the rules still apply. I know this is a special, touchy situation and you want to be there for her during it...BUT... You will degrade your relationship if you are there for her even as she isn't sure if shell be there for you. If you have the strength, you can be there as a friend, but be clear that any move at all into romantic talk will be rebuffed until she is willing to commit to whatever it is you are looking for. Girls who have been through traumatic events are not above using a guy to build themselves up, being in love when it suits them, and going cold when someone at work is more interesting. Nothing changes, because this is not about her, its about you, are you OK wasting years of your life making someone feel better so they can move on from you? Are you happy to get the drips of love someone offers, and wait patiently until they are ready to offer a new drip?

If she asks you to be there for her, and you feel the bond. Fine, be a friend. Be supportive. But If she does not want a relatiobship with you right now. You need to make it clear that you are also free. You need to go on dates and make it clear to her that you are doing that, not to rub it in her face but simply to show you respect yourself. No contact is always better, but I can see why your reluctant to do that in this example. So move on and be supportive simultaneously -- 'Hey sorry I didn't get back to you hun, I was just out for dinner with someone I met from work. Anyway how are you feeling?'

rdc363
04-09-2015, 06:34 PM
I really like RockyCruz's advice on this. Noted and filed in my brain for possible future use.

rockycruz
04-10-2015, 03:48 AM
Well this thread is pretty much done. I let her know tonight I'm done in a nice enough way. She broke down and told me she's been trying to push me away because she feels guilty that she's not going to fulfill my "needs" for a while because she was raped three weeks ago and has been a mess. Just wanted to know I will be there for her if she can't be sexual for a time and basically concoted everything to make that happen without having to tell me, she thought I would hate her for it.

Fucking... this world. Rage.

So in my own selfish regard, I wasn't wrong about any of it. But more importantly than any of that is helping her through this.

Its a relief to not have lost her but I feel awful now for being so into myself. Honestly though, when you know someone more than they know themselves and you call out all the shit and finally just have to walk away, I'd rather it have been that then this have happened to her.

OK. Maybe you need some specialists for this kind of thing but from my side..

Doesn't change what I said earliar. I do hope things go well, I realy do for her and you but it doesn't change anything on what I said. I know it sounds harsh, inhumane.

Listen, pay attention my friend. If you ignore what I said, you ain't going to be her lover. I have many friends who had girls said that to them.

And these guys did the opposite and one day, the girls said....

"Look. You have BECOME like a BROTHER, a FRIEND. I don't see you that way anymore. You have been with me, listened to me talk about my pain, let me cry on your shoulder, comfort me LIKE A BROTHER, LIKE A FRIEND. LIKE A....GIRLFRIEND. I just want you to be THERE for me."

Then when you even touch her, she will make this reason as not to. Even when you kiss her, she will make this reason not to. Even when you hold her, take her clothes off, seduce, she will nake this reason not to. AND everytime this happens, it lowers your value in her eyes and it continues until she begins to hate your guts AND BLAMES YOU for whatever.

Then you will realise in time but not now. Now. you've put her on a pedestal and becoming Lancelot, of the Knights of the Round Table. Where Genuiver fcks up Lancelot, King Arthur and the whole damn country because the guy put her on a pedestal.

Yeah buddy. She wants you to HELP but that help you give, will change the relationship into something else and... you helped her get OVER YOU.

Distance yourself, let her sort her shit out. Let her know when she has sorted her shit out, and if she wants a LOVER, a MAN in her life, then you're here. If she wants a girlfriend, a friend, a brother like folks...see her relatives and friends.

Don't be that white knight. Move on, expand your network. At least do that so if anything happens, you got girls you build relationship with, ready to fk and so on.

Hope things work out for you but I know where this will lead too. She already said way back she doesn't want you as a lover etc. This hasn't changed mate.

ChocolatePUA
04-10-2015, 06:11 AM
Update to this.

She's started therapy and honestly so have I. Im not sure what is gonna happen and im trying to get the skills to cope with what happened as well as prepare myself for a turnout that is not what I think may be.

Im here supporting her as she has asked, she can't be a gf right now because she's not sure she'll ever want to be touched but then said last night "even if we're not together I'd still fuck you." Wut?

Texts run cold most of the day but she says her days are hard, but we're talking and skyping at night. I've asked her if she sees us being together and she said "I hope so" so I asked her why we aren't together and she said "she needs to know she can get through this alone because she doesn't want me to hurt" I asked her if she's still going to come out here she loves the idea of it but isn't sure because "I'm not sure where we are going to be by then" hasn't changed Facebook relationship status(like that matters) was the first to say Happy Anniversary last night after I told her to look at the time. Still get an occasional I love you but only if I say it. Falls asleep hugging my shirt because it smells like me, but cried at the ring That was in the gift because she's not sure she's capable of loving. Said she "went to bed happy but woke up sad because she feels like she fucked everything up between us". That she "spent weeks convincing herself we couldn't be together but now has new feelings about everything."

Its like she's giving me clues but its still not enough for me to know if I'm gonna end up friendzoned in the next few months by being her support through this.

It's probably even evil to consider what I need to do to get absolutes right now but the need to start putting things in motion if we do get together so it kind of requires definition relatively soon.


Do any of the typical rules of getting back an ex apply?

Any advice?

Rape can be a really messed up and traumatising situation for anyone (man or woman) to get over. I am glad that you're at least providing some level of support for her. I have a close friend who was raped a year back and it totally screwed her life up completely, she quit her job, stopped doing everything she was interested in etc for several months just trying to deal with things.

However, it also sounds like she has reevaluated her position with you, and I can't help but wonder if this was something that had been formulating in the back of her mind even before. The fact that she had a big life decision to make (moving in with each other) makes me wonder if she was truly as happy with the relationship as you had thought.

Also, why does she feel like she fucked everything up between you two?

However, as others have said, you have to make the decision if and when to pursue other interests. What has me a bit curious is her emotional state towards you -