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View Full Version : Break ups -- Guilt tripping or actually my fault



MrBullandBear
03-02-2015, 08:37 AM
My girlfriend whom I have been dating for 2 years and a quarter has broken up with me 3 2 weeks ago. During these 2 weeks, I have been maintaining no contact with her for the 2 weeks until I went and spoke with her by trying to get back together. She broke up with me in February and 2 months before this, she was in another country to attend a wedding for 2 weeks and during the winter holidays, I had taken on a lot of stuff which is that I am up daily from 6:30 am to 1 pm for trading stocks. I also am a full time student in University studying a very demanding program for those that are academically gifted and and I also work a part time job.

So in essence, after she came back in January, it was the beginning of our new semester where she is also starting her 2nd semester at university. Her and I goes to different universities in the same city. Basically, my schedule has been so busy that I have forgotten to spent time with her and I really never went to find her much (probably 2 times during the 2 months but she has been coming to find me given that we both live about 1 hour of commute away from each other). I believe this to be the main issue even though she tells me that she is kind of fed up with my personality where she thinks that I am selfish (mainly through the fact that I get so tied up with my work and have forgotten to go see her and spend time with her), and she also thinks that our families are quite different (I dont believe this to be much of an issue but nonetheless is one because i believe my parents stretched it once too far by pushing her to go beyond her comfort zone). She also tells me that she thinks I'm unobservant etc etc. I realized that she did invite me out during January and February but i didnt go out with her because I had to study for exams and do a lot of prep work given that I had a exams and had to prep for a certificate that I needed to take..

After 2 weeks, I went to speak with her and i wrote her a letter on trying to get back together because I thought that this was mainly my issues given that I had put work before personal time and I do realize this. She however believed that I couldnt change my personality and so she refused my request. Therefore, my question is this: Is this breakup caused completed by my own negligence for her by the sound of it or is it in her sense her fault? I am trying to rationalize things and its not that I can't move on but rather, i feel it is a by product of my mistakes which led to this. I dont know if I'm guilt tripping myself or what and its not that I haven't seen other girls as I have done this and she did know of it by finding out through mutual friends (she was quite depressed initially but then she told me that she didnt care about it).

Anyhow, Im the type that rarely takes no for an answer and I believe that personalities can be changed while she seems to take an opposing view. After speaking with her, she spoke to my friend that she doesn't like it when I am are so persistent but my friend talked her into maybe giving me a chance so that she has some more time to think about it.. I asked her why she didnt ask for me to go find her and I dont know if this is just me guilt tripping myself or in some sense its also her mistake/involvement because i can't seem to spot it out.

Tks

CowboyCasanova
03-02-2015, 08:45 AM
Your main priority should be finishing school right now, not worrying about a relationship. If she cannot handle it the way it is let her go and just date other people casually.

MrBullandBear
03-02-2015, 07:37 PM
Thanks for the advice, but the thing is whats messing me up is this guilty feeling of how i should have found her because it was only after she came back that I all of a sudden had this busy schedule. It wasn't really like this before, and i just want this one chance. About 1 week before we broke up, she wanted to go on break because of the same reason but i found her and talked to her after 3 days and she agreed to getting back. At that point, i didnt recognize how serious it was but now i do. I dont want to sound like an AFC or desperate or something but apart of me just feels guilty. She also doesn't say anything like "its not you its me" etc etc (typical female break up responses) where she literally just says its my personality. I compromised her. Last night, she was talking with my mutual friend about our meeting and she said how she didnt like it because i was too persistent. My friend put in a good work for me and said that she should just give me one more chance for 1-2 months to see if I'm able to change and if I'm not, then she will just cut contact immediately without telling me where she responded with a maybe instead of the usual "no" to my friend. What to do here, i feel so guilty here even though I'm not sure if i should?? Any advice ?

CowboyCasanova
03-02-2015, 09:21 PM
I agree with her that base personalities can not be changed. But besides that, should you change? No! Look at the schedule you have for yourself....challenging full time university program, part time job, and stock trading. That is admirable and tough. Those are clearly your priorities and you should give them the time they deserve and don't worry so much about a specific relationship at your age.

Your main priority should be finishing school right now, not worrying about a relationship. If she cannot handle it the way it is let her go and just date other people casually. There are lots of fun girls to fit in your occasional free time rather than worrying about one in a different university who doesn't like your family.

WillisWillis
03-02-2015, 10:56 PM
my schedule has been so busy that I have forgotten to spent time with her and I really never went to find her much (probably 2 times during the 2 months but she has been coming to find me given that we both live about 1 hour of commute away from each other). I believe this to be the main issue...she thinks that I am selfish (mainly through the fact that I get so tied up with my work and have forgotten to go see her and spend time with her), and she also thinks that our families are quite different. She also tells me that she thinks I'm unobservant etc etc. I realized that she did invite me out during January and February but i didnt go out with her because I had to study
Since you were dating, you could have made a little more time for her. But once you made it clear what your priorities were, she started to bait you (https://heartiste.wordpress.com/2015/01/23/the-third-beta-bait-type-the-bad-boyfriend-ploy/#comments) by complaining about your selfishness and lack of attentiveness. In my experience, girls do that when they're losing their feelings for you but need confirmation that dumping you is the right decision. So they get emotional, they whine about some flaw in your personality or behavior they don't like, just to see if you'll concede their complaints and apologize for being such a thoughtless jerk.

Someone more experienced can correct me if I'm wrong.


After 2 weeks, I went to speak with her and i wrote her a letter on trying to get back together because I thought that this was mainly my issues given that I had put work before personal time and I do realize this. She however believed that I couldnt change my personality and so she refused my request.
Yeah, that was the wrong move. She wanted to see how you would respond to her challenge and you did exactly what you shouldn't have. I just went through a similar situation with my ex-girlfriend. She called and complained that I didn't communicate with her enough. I didn't write her a letter, but I admitted to intentionally limiting my contact with her and said that I would talk to her more. In short, I gave in and she called back the next day and dumped me.

MrBullandBear
03-02-2015, 11:55 PM
I agree with her that base personalities can not be changed. But besides that, should you change? No! Look at the schedule you have for yourself....challenging full time university program, part time job, and stock trading. That is admirable and tough. Those are clearly your priorities and you should give them the time they deserve and don't worry so much about a specific relationship at your age.

Your main priority should be finishing school right now, not worrying about a relationship. If she cannot handle it the way it is let her go and just date other people casually. There are lots of fun girls to fit in your occasional free time rather than worrying about one in a different university who doesn't like your family.

Thanks, but i just feel pretty bad about it and i dont know what to do right now because she now said she's saying maybe. I guess Im starting no contact this week but the truth is i need to rationalize this & that sometimes i need to question whether being with her will truly help me out. Maybe Im still not completely thinking straight as there are still too many emotions in me. I guess by the sound of it to you Cowboy, its her fault in the sense that she should have understood my busy schedule? But the thing is, for the first month of january, she was the only one who came to find me while i didnt go to her place very much at all. So I can feel if she just broke up with me right away without bothering to see me or something but she did kind of put in the effort here.

MrBullandBear
03-03-2015, 12:02 AM
Thanks, but i just feel pretty bad about it and i dont know what to do right now because she now said she's saying maybe. I guess Im starting no contact this week but the truth is i need to rationalize this & that sometimes i need to question whether being with her will truly help me out. Maybe Im still not completely thinking straight as there are still too many emotions in me


Since you were dating, you could have made a little more time for her. But once you made it clear what your priorities were, she started to bait you (https://heartiste.wordpress.com/2015/01/23/the-third-beta-bait-type-the-bad-boyfriend-ploy/#comments) by complaining about your selfishness and lack of attentiveness. In my experience, girls do that when they're losing their feelings for you but need confirmation that dumping you is the right decision. So they get emotional, they whine about some flaw in your personality or behavior they don't like, just to see if you'll concede their complaints and apologize for being such a thoughtless jerk.

Someone more experienced can correct me if I'm wrong.


Yeah, that was the wrong move. She wanted to see how you would respond to her challenge and you did exactly what you shouldn't have. I just went through a similar situation with my ex-girlfriend. She called and complained that I didn't communicate with her enough. I didn't write her a letter, but I admitted to intentionally limiting my contact with her and said that I would talk to her more. In short, I gave in and she called back the next day and dumped me.

That may be true but both her and i are serious about this relationships such as how her entire distant family knows I'm in a date and i have met her cousins and gone to her family dinners etc. If this were the first time, then i would understand that she's shit testing me but the thing is her personality tends to be more critical & very detail oriented so this isn't the first time she criticized me for it. Also, she did give me a chance again 1 week prior to it but i didnt recognize what i had done since i was still super busy and had exams. Also, she says she's sick of putting in so much effort in the relationship while not getting anything in return & she's kind of fed up with waiting for me to be free all the time. I know i can work this out somehow & go back to the way where she doesn't need to wait for me & that i wouldn't screw it up by pretty much forgetting about her for 2 months and not going to find her. Another thing is that this isn't the first time because whenever i had final exams during our 2 year period except for last semester, it followed that she would sometimes go on break with me because i didnt have enough time for her. But last semester, I had a schedule of everything except the stock trading but was able to manage enough time for her such that she didnt go on break with me over anything. Anyways, By the sound of your opinion, it seems to be me who mainly screwed it up i feel.

WillisWillis
03-03-2015, 06:32 AM
If this were the first time, then i would understand that she's shit testing me but the thing is her personality tends to be more critical & very detail oriented so this isn't the first time she criticized me for it. Also, she did give me a chance again 1 week prior to it but i didnt recognize what i had done since i was still super busy and had exams. Also, she says she's sick of putting in so much effort in the relationship while not getting anything in return & she's kind of fed up with waiting for me to be free all the time.
But they don't stop shit testing you once you're in a relationship. It sounds like she was trying to shift the balance of power in the relationship because she was not getting her way, hence the regular complaints about your schedule.



Anyways, By the sound of your opinion, it seems to be me who mainly screwed it up i feel.
Yes and no. There's nothing wrong with putting your education and career first in your life, but I think the letter was a mistake. I know it's worrying when they criticize your behavior, because you can sense them pulling away from you, but giving girls exactly what they ask for is almost always the wrong response.

CowboyCasanova
03-03-2015, 06:59 AM
I don't think is shit testing you. I think she is being unreasonable.
I also know from life experience and friends that college relationships rarely if ever work out so it is not worth this much worry on your part.

WillisWillis
03-03-2015, 07:55 AM
I don't think is shit testing you. I think she is being unreasonable.
One in the same, no?

rockycruz
03-04-2015, 03:17 PM
My girlfriend whom I have been dating for 2 years and a quarter has broken up with me 3 2 weeks ago. During these 2 weeks, I have been maintaining no contact with her for the 2 weeks until I went and spoke with her by trying to get back together. She broke up with me in February and 2 months before this, she was in another country to attend a wedding for 2 weeks and during the winter holidays, I had taken on a lot of stuff which is that I am up daily from 6:30 am to 1 pm for trading stocks. I also am a full time student in University studying a very demanding program for those that are academically gifted and and I also work a part time job.

So in essence, after she came back in January, it was the beginning of our new semester where she is also starting her 2nd semester at university. Her and I goes to different universities in the same city. Basically, my schedule has been so busy that I have forgotten to spent time with her and I really never went to find her much (probably 2 times during the 2 months but she has been coming to find me given that we both live about 1 hour of commute away from each other). I believe this to be the main issue even though she tells me that she is kind of fed up with my personality where she thinks that I am selfish (mainly through the fact that I get so tied up with my work and have forgotten to go see her and spend time with her), and she also thinks that our families are quite different (I dont believe this to be much of an issue but nonetheless is one because i believe my parents stretched it once too far by pushing her to go beyond her comfort zone). She also tells me that she thinks I'm unobservant etc etc. I realized that she did invite me out during January and February but i didnt go out with her because I had to study for exams and do a lot of prep work given that I had a exams and had to prep for a certificate that I needed to take..

After 2 weeks, I went to speak with her and i wrote her a letter on trying to get back together because I thought that this was mainly my issues given that I had put work before personal time and I do realize this. She however believed that I couldnt change my personality and so she refused my request. Therefore, my question is this: Is this breakup caused completed by my own negligence for her by the sound of it or is it in her sense her fault? I am trying to rationalize things and its not that I can't move on but rather, i feel it is a by product of my mistakes which led to this. I dont know if I'm guilt tripping myself or what and its not that I haven't seen other girls as I have done this and she did know of it by finding out through mutual friends (she was quite depressed initially but then she told me that she didnt care about it).

Anyhow, Im the type that rarely takes no for an answer and I believe that personalities can be changed while she seems to take an opposing view. After speaking with her, she spoke to my friend that she doesn't like it when I am are so persistent but my friend talked her into maybe giving me a chance so that she has some more time to think about it.. I asked her why she didnt ask for me to go find her and I dont know if this is just me guilt tripping myself or in some sense its also her mistake/involvement because i can't seem to spot it out.

Tks


Stop feeling guilty and bad because I tell you something right now - you're going to feel worse, shit, when you don't have an income, a career, and a life which you are proud of. You're going to find yourself wishing you didn't give a FK what some woman says, girlfriend of weeks or years. I don't give a damn. Life is a brute mate. You got this ONE chance to prepare, plan and make sure you cross that finish line, ready for the world.

She ain't going to bail you out when you[re screwed with income. She ain't going to stand around waiting for you to have a job, a career and all that when you're life is down the gutter, wondering what the hell went wrong; and why you pay all these bills and nothing is left for you to live life big. You'd be wishing you had money for your own place, own car, own dentisry money to fix teeths, own clothes, own money to go out and live life big. And women say they be with you in good and bad times - don't bank on it.

An oath from a woman is good as toilet paper. It's said due to feelings that can easily be rocked and broken.

You better stand on your two feet, ready, so you IS IN CONTROL of your life and the Boss not the woman. So stop feeling bad man, grab your balls, and see life for what it is. If she can't handle you, your time, how you're busy, no matter what reason of whether you did have time but when she appeared suddenly life took a turn and got busy - you stick to your guns.

Be a man. No girl is worth feeling guilty about because they ain't going to be feeling guilty about you but try to do your head in, and try to tell you what is wrong with you, what is wrong with your friends, your family - and - YOU need to stand up for yourself, your purpose, and your goals, and anything else. I'm not saying be a bastard but what I am saying, don't be a push over, and start feeling sorry for yourself and guilty.

Women are very good at making guys feeling guilty at the best of times and man must be able to not fall for such mindset.

Get your head straight. You haven't got time to prat about trying to be serious in relationship with an girl who doesn't understand game of life, who doesn't appreciate you're busy, and who expects you to change; whether circumstances have changed or whatever. It doesn't matter.

If she's like that now, how she going to be when you do work in a high flying busy job with 100+ hours a week on a 100k+ job? See the signs, see how it plays right now, this present - and what it be like in future. Recognise she's asking for what you cannot give at this moment in time. If she can't live with that, her problem.

If you respect yourself, value yourself, you'd be making this decision and terms to her, not other way round! Guilty or not guilty. Feeling bad or not. This is your future. You cannot turn back time. Those years are gone, forever. Make the best of it now to make life a bit easier for future.

You need to change in mindset. Stop feeling guilty and start being proud of who you are, of what you're accomplishing for your future; and maybe find a girl who is fun, not looking for lots of time, and open for you and her to date others too.

If a woman is already putting you down, your personality down and even family - shit mate - stand up for yourself. I don't let any woman talk shit like that to me. That's my mind, invested thousands of dollars to make it think straight.

MrBullandBear
03-06-2015, 07:22 PM
But they don't stop shit testing you once you're in a relationship. It sounds like she was trying to shift the balance of power in the relationship because she was not getting her way, hence the regular complaints about your schedule.



Yes and no. There's nothing wrong with putting your education and career first in your life, but I think the letter was a mistake. I know it's worrying when they criticize your behavior, because you can sense them pulling away from you, but giving girls exactly what they ask for is almost always the wrong response.

thanks for the advice, I'm pretty much done. I have tried my best explaining her that i admit i didnt treat her well and was just asking for one more chance since we have been for 2 years together. I may have found her at a bad time because initially my friend told her that she should just give me one more chance and her response was "maybe" i needed time to think. Today, she wanted to go to the club with my friends and didnt mind me if i came, so i decided to find her beforehand when she didnt want to have a talk with me. She may have been stressed out since she was pretty sleep deprived and just finished her midterms. Anyways, i went to talk to her without her consent which was a bad idea overall. now i think i just blew it but it feels a lot better for me to just get it off my shoulders!!!!!! I still kind of want to get back with her and gave her another letter but i recognize that there are so many fishes in the ocean but still hurts

MrBullandBear
03-06-2015, 07:24 PM
Thanks for the advice sir ! i just want to know that i tried to get back with her and am trying right now because i didnt feel well given that i didnt appreciate her enough and how i feel it was primarily my fault etc. It hurts but i just need to get over her and find a person thats better matched. Man my male personality of not getting what i want is seriously killing me.

rockycruz
03-07-2015, 10:32 AM
Thanks for the advice sir ! i just want to know that i tried to get back with her and am trying right now because i didnt feel well given that i didnt appreciate her enough and how i feel it was primarily my fault etc. It hurts but i just need to get over her and find a person thats better matched. Man my male personality of not getting what i want is seriously killing me.

Hang on there. Life as I have found will surprise you. You will look back one day mate, and you'll be sitting with a woman, and thank your lucky stars. Sometimes, things have to happen like this for growth, for reflection, for maybe even ways to amend things when dating women like setting boundaries from beginning and a lot of other things too.

It is not a loss mate. You didn't lose ought. She lost someone. You've tried your best and that is all you can do. It will hurt for a bit but watch mate, how life will surprise you and be with someone who is more relaxed, even if...you screw up.

All the best mate.

MrBullandBear
03-14-2015, 08:00 AM
Thanks, appreciate yours and everyone else's advice. Im slowly getting over it but the thing is we have mutual friends who I have introduced to her. Since I'm extremely busy with my schedule, she's become closer to them rather than I have because I haven't had much time to spend with them. So they have gone together going to the clubs and hanging out etc. To keep no contact, should I disassociate myself with them and hang out with other friends? They are like bros to me so I know nothing will happen but now she has become their "bro" too. What should I do in this case ? Im trying to stay away from her and not thinking about it. In some sense I know that our relationship will never work out because our levels of ambition are just way too different and what we want in life are just too different.