View Full Version : Pretty devastated - advice much appreciated :)

01-19-2015, 09:26 AM
So my ex and I dated for around 6 months - we broke up 3 months ago. The relationship was incredibly intense and probably more infatuation than true love - she often used words such as "soulmate", talked about a future with children together and told me that I was the best thing that had ever happened to her. Anyway, we both went away to university, promising to try and make things work but within 3 weeks she had got together with someone else (most likely as a distraction from the fact that she didn't believe the relaitonship would work and wanted to jump ship before she got abandoned - she regularly said that she was terrified that I was going to meet someone else). She may have slept with this guy, denied it, but spent the entire time I was visiting texting him in front of me. However, when we actually broke up she was a mess and said that she didn't want to lose me and wanted to keep the door open to reconciliation in the future.

Anyway, I went NC, as much for myself as anything, and we have only spoken three times since the breakup (all initiated by her). I have kept all communication short and light except for a recent phone call which I will explain. I removed her from fb around 2 months after the breakup simply because it was so hard to see her face, her updates and the posts of the guy she had turned to at university. She called me to ask why and I explained that I didn't want to see her moving on, that we had made each other deliriously happy and that I was seeing someone else (not entirely true but I wanted to seem strong and as though I didn't "need" her in my life to be happy). She responded jealously: "Well I hope she makes you as happy as you made me!", "I miss you a little" and "If neither of us had gone to university we would still be together".

I ran into her on Christmas eve but she would barely look at me and tried to hide behind friends. When I did make the effort to go and speak to her, she was awkward and up tight, not showing any emotion whatsoever as though she didn't even care (bearing in mind she had said the above just weeks before so I can't imagine these feelings have just gone - she was always very good at hiding her feelings and repressing them). I think her unwillingness to see me might have come out of guilt over the breakup and knowledge that she hurt me, in addition to regular awkwardness of running into an ex.

Basically, I want to ask you guys what you think she might be feeling/thinking, whether she still cares about me/thinks of me in a negative light for defriending her and seeing someone else 2 months after she ended the relationship (she said that she hadn't been seeing anyone). Have I ruined any chance for reconciliation in the future?

01-19-2015, 11:07 AM
What I am saying is not expertise advice. It is just my personal opinion.

She sees you RIGHT NOW as negative light for not being man enough to close all contact off from her. You repeatedly let her keep in touch with you. You picked up and even complied to answer her questions on why you don't want her to move on.

You showed lack of value in yourself.

That she can go and fk someone else and STILL be able to call you for comfort, or whatever.

AND you're WORRIED if it might be negative to defriend her?

In women's books, you are a standby, a backup plan, when all else fails, she knows you might be the last option; and if her last option is somehow closed in future, then she has to work in getting other standbys to fill her stable house to access.

From now on, NO CONTACT. Seriously mate. No contact. EVEN if she initiates. Grab your balls and do not pick up phone. Follow the plan. Minimize contact.


Sort your life out, so much so, that you are so full of confident to not even bother if she has a man, or you see her with a man, or whatever.

It is logical to think a woman will forget you if you don't keep in touch. It is logic to think that if you're out of the picture she will forget you and not miss you.

It is also logical to think the girl slept with another guy to cover up or deny feelings for you but reality is, this isn't logic. THIS is emotional and women change mood very fast. It is as easy as going to a party, drinking and a guy knowing what he is doing can escalate her and sweep her off her feet.

The girl will look back and weight the repercussion of loss. Is the loss so big, painful as well than what she will gain from geting banged by this new guy?

No. Ok...this new guy is in!

He is new. He is stimulating her and you, well, you're not there anyway and may have not been good at stimulating her when she was with you. So there wasn't much for her to think about and there wasn't much value to hold on to.

Girls REMEMBER and they see more positive when man on his own accord disappears, says he wants space, doesn't contact her, doesn't pick up phone when she calls, is busy sorting his own life, is having fun in his own life, and so on.

Instead, I bet you stayed in touch, replied to her text, keep on HOPING she'd change, the ONE-ITIS. Kept on reminding her of the relationship by doing some stuff, whatever they maybe. Making her FEEL GUILTY which many needy, desperate guys do. Complying to her demands to answer her does not give a good impression to the woman.

It shows a guy is needy, desperate and a walk over.

She hasn't been seeing someone else?

When a girl has to say this, then they avoiding something. They are avoiding a judgement, a labelling, a criticism. It's the knee jerk reaction of the auto-pilot brain to survive.

Woman will say anything to make you feel assured, validate for you that you are the ONE to avoid any awkward confrontation. Most women will say anything to survive...i.e. to have some protection, to have a home for a while, to get what they need for the next stage of their life.

"He won't know anyway. He'll believe whatever I tell him."

Move on. Her way of acting with you is because YOU CANNOT MOVE ON. It can be many things but one thing is for sure. She knows you got feelings for her. She knows you still want her. She knows that if she says....I WANT YOU....you'd come running like her bitch. Maybe, be one of her standbys, backup plan for future she fills her stable with - which is why girls might say..

"Oh, I haven't been with ANYONE since. I haven't since that guy who banged me so hard. Not since then baby."

She knew how you feel when she was with you and telling you lots of stories you wanted to hear i.e. children.,..family home...a future.

Time to find your balls and get laid. Line up the girls,

One-itis has had many guys fall from grace.

I know what I say sounds harsh but sometimes, it's far easier a stranger to say what needs to be said, than a friend to say whatever you want to hear. I'm not a friend, I'm a complete stranger you don't and won't give a damn about anyway. But you will re-think by what I say, if you're smart enough to see beyond the BS when you're with girls.

You get laid now, with 30 attractive women...you ain't even going to bother thinking this is all some big deal. You certainty won't worry if what you do in defriending her might cast some negative light. You may even realise, there is a world out there, packed with attractive girls and thank your lucky stars she did what she did.

01-19-2015, 11:26 AM
Hey man, thanks for the lengthy reply - much appreciated.

I have kept contact to a bare minimum - didn't contact her myself, didn't text or message - only responded to her fb message since it showed me as online and seeing the message so thought it would seem petty to not reply. Again kept this short though and left reponses a long while. I haven't gone down the gulting route as I know her last bf did. Last time we spoke I told her I wanted to cut contact off.

I think the ease with which she moved on was because of whatever we had just being an infatuation - mostly physical and not deep. It was definitely stimulating for both parties emotionally and physically but just not deep. So she went to uni and the feelings just went, felt empty whatever.

01-20-2015, 08:59 AM
Ahh young love. How sweet and innocent.

Move on from her as quickly as possible. Seriously. I know it's tough, but if she cheats on you within 3 weeks of being away, then she probably isn't someone you need in your life.

Move on. You don't have to date 50 other people - just be ok with the fact that you guys had a great time, but things are over and its time to move to the next phase of life. If she truly wanted you, she would be with you NOW, not off with other guys.

01-20-2015, 09:39 AM
You did the right thing by breaking off contact and removing her from FB.
She tested you about it because women can't stand being put into the No Contact zone. They don't want to believe they were that easy to get over.
Don't be too hard on yourself for allowing the brief contact you had, but don't let it happen again.
My advice, similar to the others is that it's time to move on. If it was meant to be she would not have cheated. Find your inner anger.
There are a lot of great girls out there.

01-20-2015, 10:58 AM
She may have slept with this guy, denied it, but spent the entire time I was visiting texting him in front of me

Gone, gone, and gone. Move on. Good job! She was doing things to him you could not imagine. I've been both "the other guy", as well as the guy in your shoes.

Don't think about her. I wouldn't give her that satisfaction of knowing you do either. Why did you deleted her from Facebook? When/if she asks:
Honestly, you could ruin my game or bring it down. It's hard to explain ex's I was with because I liked them, but don't quite fit up to my normal standards physically.

I wouldn't call or even talk to that chick ever again. IMO, leading someone about "soulmates" on then lying screwing someone else is playing games. Might as well play to win if it's about mind-games, right?

01-20-2015, 11:05 AM
Might as well play to win if it's about mind-games, right?

Hah, I like that a lot.