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View Full Version : How to break up with girlfriend of four years, on and off long distance?



3way
12-30-2014, 04:50 AM
Don't know if this is relevant, or going to be relevant, but my girlfriend is a hb10. She has thousands of friends and 200 likes on her profile photos, a business degree (which I have too) etc etc.

I just can't handle her shit anymore.

How do I break up without burning bridges completely? I have written for my own peace of mind the reasons and problems I have with her. Should I share this with her, as she is likely to have her own perspective?

What triggered all this is that her family is very conservative and saw a sexual facebook message, that I had sent her, while they were online inspecting her Facebook for the first time, and I've been showing paranoia, so she could be punishing me for not trusting her (which I feel really shitty about and know that it's the last thing you want to do to be attractive). We have not spoken about this yet.

Since then, she has dressed up her Facebook page to say, "I'll do a Gangbang if you can handle me". She has a picture with a seductive expression, eye contact with the camera, half smile, lips together and pursed, black and white, apart from her lips which are red, full jewelry, hair curled and full make-up. All of her other pictures are of her smiling in a less promiscuous way, this is very clearly sending a different message.

Then she is going to a party her cousin is organizing, at an hotel, which she promoted by saying,

"The place where you have to be for the NEW YEAR Eve, bring your friends and come to party hard, You'll never know what's gonna happen after all!!!!"

This party is at rock concert, I've pasted the flyer for the concert bellow.

She is a very private person, with a lot of personal and health problems. I am the only one that knows about a lot of them, she doesn't like to share and this has brought us closer, but also made her more inclined towards secrecy.

We've been together for four years, please go easy on me, I'm not in a good place right now, however, your advice and ever advice is really welcomed.

I also want to say that I have made so many assumptions here. I could be blowing it all out of proportion and I don't know why she has done all this, I only know what has happened.


Thank you to everyone in this forum for helping people find the answers they need time and time again.




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3way
12-30-2014, 05:07 AM
We are currently long distance, and I intend to break up with her in 7 hours, 9pm our time.

CowboyCasanova
12-30-2014, 07:38 AM
Can you please remind us with this 'long distance girlfriend' how many actual days you have spent together in the same city in the last four years? When was the last time you saw her? Did you ever sleep with her?

3way
12-30-2014, 08:08 AM
Can you please remind us with this 'long distance girlfriend' how many actual days you have spent together in the same city in the last four years? When was the last time you saw her? Did you ever sleep with her?

Yes. The last time we were together was last summer. Yes I've slept with her.

CowboyCasanova
12-30-2014, 08:49 AM
You didn't answer how many days you spent with her in last 4 years but I suspect it is very few.
You are all hung up on someone in another city who you barely ever see.
You have had numerous posts on here over the years suspecting her of sleeping with other people.
None of this is good for your mental state.

I think the 'breakup' is more in your mind. Just wish her a "Happy 2015" and drop contact. No bridges burnt this way.
Do not send her a long message or reasons - that is total AFC.

I would block her from FB or delete your FB account for a few months, not to be vindictive, but to allow yourself space to mentally get in a better frame of mind.
You don't need to be reminded of her.

3way
12-30-2014, 08:54 AM
Some one else has advised to wait a few days and talk to her. I think I'll drop contact for a few days, wait and if she hasn't responded by then I'll block her. I've tried to drop contact in the past and I don't have the will power, but I feel in a good place to do that so I will give it a shot.

CowboyCasanova
12-30-2014, 09:07 AM
My personal harsh opinion is that a PUA forum is not the place to be asking for advice when you are hung up on one girl you have barely seen in another city and don't have the willpower to drop her.
This forum is where you come to learn how to be the EXACT OPPOSITE of that.

I hope you will use 2015 to reflect on how you have been wasting the last 4 years and utilize the info here to grow stronger.
Find your own self worth, invest in yourself, ditch the fantasy you have created in your mind with this girl.

3way
12-30-2014, 09:17 AM
Although it hurts me to say it, that's good advice. My problem is always, what if she's not lying to me? Because I haven't been lying to her. This used to be easy between us. Baring in mind, in that case she has created a fantasy too, I do owe the girl a chance to talk and the benefit of the doubt, purely on the basis that I know that I have been good to her these years.

CowboyCasanova
12-30-2014, 09:27 AM
She is in another city and you barely see her. You are not going to improve yourself or your dating life clinging to the fantasy that you are in a relationship with this girl.
My observation from reading all your posts is that you are constantly hurt/worried/anxious - for YEARS!

Move on. Invest in yourself and grow. Right now you are stuck and just undermining your self worth.

TheRogue
12-30-2014, 01:56 PM
Do you have a concrete plan for living in the same city in the near future? Long-distance relationships are supposed to be temporary (e.g. one person moves to new city, scopes it out, other person relocates once first person builds up the "base"). Open-ended long-distance relationships where no one is planning to move any time soon DO NOT WORK. In fact, they just end up torturing both people until they break. So, if there is no plan to go short-distance, end the relationship now and move on.

If there is a concrete plan, and you're just worried about her FB, remove her off your news feed so you don't have to see it. None of what she has on there is that terrible, and FB is not a reflection of real life anyway. It's just a fake image the person is trying to project to the outer world. She's trying to project "sexy", and from the sounds of it her work involves some sort of event organizing/promoting (correct me if I'm wrong), so it makes sense. This doesn't mean she'll go out and sleep with other guys. FB IS NOT REAL LIFE.

That's my 2 cents on the issue.

Rogue

3way
12-30-2014, 03:40 PM
This is wonderful advice. Maybe obvious but uncommon. This is a great resource, thank you.

TheRogue, can you tell me why one person should go and scope out? Do you mean checking if it's a pleasant place to live, find a house etc? Or do you mean building a base of friends? Why wouldn't the two just go together and build together. Do you think it would ever be a problem if someone had established relationships, and a kind of balance, then the other person comes and distrusts it - jealous friends, guys after your girl etc?

CowboyCasanova
12-30-2014, 04:06 PM
This is wonderful advice. Maybe obvious but uncommon. This is a great resource, thank you.

TheRogue, can you tell me why one person should go and scope out? Do you mean checking if it's a pleasant place to live, find a house etc? Or do you mean building a base of friends? Why wouldn't the two just go together and build together. Do you think it would ever be a problem if someone had established relationships, and a kind of balance, then the other person comes and distrusts it - jealous friends, guys after your girl etc?

3Way - you TOTALLY missed the part of Rogue's reply that was directed at you!

"Open-ended long-distance relationships where no one is planning to move any time soon DO NOT WORK. In fact, they just end up torturing both people until they break. So, if there is no plan to go short-distance, end the relationship now and move on."

You are not in a relationship with someone where you both have a concrete plan to move in together in the same city.
This has been going on for years. People on this forum have been telling you for over a year to move on, yet you continue to come back here seeking advice on this 'relationship.'

Seriously buddy, move on. Its time....New Year and all ya know.

TheRogue
12-30-2014, 06:20 PM
This is wonderful advice. Maybe obvious but uncommon. This is a great resource, thank you.

TheRogue, can you tell me why one person should go and scope out? Do you mean checking if it's a pleasant place to live, find a house etc? Or do you mean building a base of friends? Why wouldn't the two just go together and build together. Do you think it would ever be a problem if someone had established relationships, and a kind of balance, then the other person comes and distrusts it - jealous friends, guys after your girl etc?

3way, the situation I'm talking about usually happens when one person has to take a job in a new area, while the other person is still employed or locked into a degree program at home. This has happened several times to my friends (who are married btw). In one case, the wife moved after the husband once she finished her degree. In another, the husband moved back after two years because his job contract in another state expired and he didn't like it enough to renew and move his family to the new location (the wife had a stable job back home). In both cases, the situation was inherently temporary, with one person eventually moving either to the new place (if the "base" was established), or back home if the new location didn't make a good base. It takes a lot of sacrifice to relocate if you have a stable career or a degree going, so many times it makes sense to finish what you started and do long distance for the time being, until you're able to move. This arrangement usually lasts 1-2 years max. More than that, and you're entering the "indefinite LDR zone," which is neither fulfilling, nor sustainable.

In the arrangements I described, if the other person does relocate, the first person should be establishing "base" with them in mind (e.g. getting a place that can fit them both, introducing their partner when they come visit, etc). There is of course a period of adjustment, but that's where the strength of the relationship is tested. Both partners have to make the adjustment as easy on each other as possible. Jealousy, distrust, and clashing with the new environment have no place in that.

Rogue

3way
12-31-2014, 06:43 AM
Turns out that she has made the decision to accept a job offer in Mumbai without consulting me. Cut and run?

CowboyCasanova
12-31-2014, 06:54 AM
4668

3way
12-31-2014, 04:37 PM
Well said