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Sadaka
12-07-2014, 03:55 PM
My and my ex girlfriend dated for about 3 years. 2 years ago she dumped me because she lost her feelings for me. We kept seeing eachother for a while but the we went no contact.

A year ago i emailed her and apologized for the things i had done wrong in the relationship, i was still not over her. Note: none of us cheated or anything like that. She replied that there were no hard feelings and that she had met a new guy and didnt think we should have any contact. So i've respected that and havent tried to contact her at all the past year.

Today she sent me an email saying she was looking through old text message and saw some old ones from me and thought they were "a little sweet and funny". She asked me how i was doing etc.

What does she want with this? I'm pretty sure she's still seeing that other guy. I'm not sure how interested i am anymore either, i still like her but i can without a problem live without her.

lt22
12-08-2014, 07:42 PM
Live near each other?
If an ex contacts me, I always assume they want to see me.
Just say something like:
"Hey its great to hear from you! I was actually thinking the other day about how it would be cool to catch up. When are you free to get together for some coffee or something?" (or whatever you want to do)

Obviously don't do that if its going to mess you up. Just go into it with no attachment to the outcome, mirror her behavior (she hugs, you hug, she touches you, you touch her), and see what happens?

If you get denied, then who cares. If she accepts she wanted to see you, then you can decide if you want to get her back or not, make her chase you.

lassebauer
02-26-2015, 05:09 PM
What does she want with this? I'm pretty sure she's still seeing that other guy.

Thatīs exactly what I would ask her: "Thanks for your mail - but I canīt help wondering why you are telling me this?"
She didnīt contact you for no reason. Rest assured.
She either wants something from you, or she wants to give you something.

My guess is she wants something - and maybe itīs because things are rocky or even over with the other man, and now sheīs thinking back to the good times with you.
So maybe sheīs looking for comfort, affirmation, attention etc.

She may also be trying to somehow ease a guilty conscience or similar.

Again; you donīt KNOW what she wants; thatīs the whole point.
1) ask her what she wants
2) look at her actions, not her words.
3) ask yourself why you would be interested in a new dialogue with her - and if that would be good or bad for you.

CowboyCasanova
02-27-2015, 04:37 AM
Well since someone resurrected a post from almost three months ago, how about an update from the OP?

Tank
02-27-2015, 08:42 AM
Well since someone resurrected a post from almost three months ago, how about an update from the OP?This thread about breakups (which is the subject Lasse Bauer wrote the Love Systems' book about) was probably bumped because the question was of a nature that made the reply universally helpful to many others than the OP.

And you're right, it would be great if Sadaka wrote an update as well.

WillisWillis
02-28-2015, 08:55 AM
Thatīs exactly what I would ask her: "Thanks for your mail - but I canīt help wondering why you are telling me this?"
She didnīt contact you for no reason. Rest assured.
She either wants something from you, or she wants to give you something.

My guess is she wants something - and maybe itīs because things are rocky or even over with the other man, and now sheīs thinking back to the good times with you.
So maybe sheīs looking for comfort, affirmation, attention etc.

She may also be trying to somehow ease a guilty conscience or similar.

Again; you donīt KNOW what she wants; thatīs the whole point.
1) ask her what she wants


If I can insert myself into this thread, I'd like to get your guys input.

I'm anticipating getting a text like this from my ex-girlfriend at some point. She might reach out to see if I'll come when she calls, especially since I've cut all contact with her, for over a month now. So I'm wondering why you recommend asking her what she wants. The chance that she wants anything other than an ego boost is slim. Wouldn't asking her anything in response give her exactly what she wants?

lassebauer
02-28-2015, 10:47 AM
Good question :)
You ask her simply to find out if sheīs truly interested in a reviving the dialogue, clearing the air, taking responsibility etc - or if itīs simply a "toe in the bathwater" to see if youīre still available to boost her ego, to clear her guilty conscience, or if youīre available as a Plan B because her dating life sucks atm.

If the answer is vague like "Oh, I just wanted to see how you are doing" or "I just thought of you", chances are itīs empty calories.
If she truly wants a dialogue again, both her words AND actions will clearly show it (in most cases).

It all depends on if you want a dialogue with her again or not.
If youīre interested in talking to her again, itīs a good way to guage her intent instead of just getting all giddy because she suddenly contacts you.
If youīre totally over her, or know deep inside that a relationship with her is bad business - you can of course choose to just ignore her contacting you.

WillisWillis
02-28-2015, 01:40 PM
Good question :)
You ask her simply to find out if sheīs truly interested in a reviving the dialogue, clearing the air, taking responsibility etc - or if itīs simply a "toe in the bathwater" to see if youīre still available to boost her ego, to clear her guilty conscience, or if youīre available as a Plan B because her dating life sucks atm.

If the answer is vague like "Oh, I just wanted to see how you are doing" or "I just thought of you", chances are itīs empty calories.
If she truly wants a dialogue again, both her words AND actions will clearly show it (in most cases).

It all depends on if you want a dialogue with her again or not.
If youīre interested in talking to her again, itīs a good way to guage her intent instead of just getting all giddy because she suddenly contacts you.
If youīre totally over her, or know deep inside that a relationship with her is bad business - you can of course choose to just ignore her contacting you.
Interesting. She sent me a text one week after breaking it off. It looked like it was meant for one of her friends, and I know she did it intentionally. I still took the bait and responded.

That's why I was skeptical. Any reply in my case would have been the wrong one. I'm wondering, though, what an ex could say to make her interest clear.

Anyway, if she does text me again, I'm almost certain it's going to be of the attention-seeking variety.

lassebauer
03-01-2015, 10:11 AM
(...) I'm wondering, though, what an ex could say to make her interest clear. (...)

I think an open, honest and direct response would be what you should look for.
If she has any TRUE intentions of reconneting (be it slowly or full-scale), it will be apparent in her words and/or actions.
At least thatīs what I would look for.

WillisWillis
03-01-2015, 10:39 AM
I think an open, honest and direct response would be what you should look for.
If she has any TRUE intentions of reconneting (be it slowly or full-scale), it will be apparent in her words and/or actions.
At least thatīs what I would look for.

I'll keep my eye out, then, and check in if something materializes.