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flow90
08-25-2014, 08:34 AM
This is long, but please bear with me!

My ex and I were together on and off for over 2 years. We fell in love very quickly, both always said how special and rare what we had was. But we were both young, immature... and I very insecure... We would end up arguing, and I would end up suffocating him. His freedom is very important to him

We kept getting back together, because we didn't want to lose one another, but it just wasn't working due to us being so young and immature so it finally ended.

I was devastated when it finally ended but I finally accepted that if it was ever going to work we both needed to grow up.

We cut contact and didn't talk for nearly 3 years. I've dated others, and had a semi serious relationship in this time, but never felt the way I did for my ex.

I realised I was a mess towards the end of our relationship, not thinking clearly at all... clingy etc. So for the past 3 years I've really worked on myself, didn't push myself to meet anyone else, I grew up basically.. was more relaxed, less insecure, and just in a better place. I didn't know who I was when I was with my ex, but now I feel I am finally discovering who I am.

He reached out to me on my birthday after nearly 2 years NC, and we chatted a bit but he was distant with me and so I didn't push it. A few months later I reached out on his birthday and he responded happily but the conversation didn't continue.

Then a few months ago we started chatting again, this time with real interest. Talking for days, catching up... Turned out, I was going to be visiting his city, so we arranged to meet. He told me how excited he was about seeing me and how much he wanted to see me.

We met up, and it was amazing.... we got on like best friends, chatting for hours, listening to music we both loved... we chatted about the past, both admitted to the mistakes we made. I was shocked because I thought he would never see how he hurt me and the mistakes he made in our rel, but he did. He told me he had been in a relationship these past 2 years, and it was really turbulent, and he told me she brought out the worst in him but I brought out the best.

He told me he could see how I had changed, that I was more relaxed and could see I had found myself. I told him that he was more open, and he said he realised that that was a mistake he made with me, and realised thats what made me insecure.

He also brought up the good times, and mentioned things I thought hadn't meant anything to him or that he had forgotten about. He even remembered exactly how we first met, and just lots of tiny things that surprised me he even still thought about.

We had some wine, and we kissed and ended up having sex.. which was amazing and felt like no time had passed. The next day we met up again, and went out with some friends. I noticed he was being a bit off with me, but I tried to brush it off, however we got very drunk and for some reason the drink made me feel very emotional. All of my feelings and pain from the past came flooding back to me and I started to get paranoid that this was just sex for him and nothing more... I told him that my feelings for him were returning, and I asked him what he felt for me.

He told me he does have feelings but doesn't want them to grow because we live so far away from eachother and it would be impossible for it to work. Also, he is really unhappy in his job at the moment and doesn't know what to do with his life... and only came out of that turbulent relationship with the other girl a few months ago so doesn't want to jump into another.

He wanted us to spend some time with eachother, chilled and relaxed and to see how it goes.. and I messed it up by getting emotional. Just all of the emotions and feelings from the past came back, and I got very confused. I got really upset and asked him whether he loved his ex as much as he used to love me, and I mentioned how he always used to say how special what we had was, but if he had that with this most recent ex then I didn't have a right to have these feelings.

I told him I didn't want this to be it, that I wanted us to see eachother again.. and if we still have a connection and feelings after this long, then we can try and make it work.
He told me he feels a connection, and chemistry and attraction but he kept saying he's really messed up, that hes gone through the worst 2 years of his life and just wants to be relaxed and chill and not think of anything. Then he just became really cold with me and told me he needs space.

I told him I'd give it to him, but I don't know how he could be so cold with me after being so amazing just 24 hours earlier. I know I scared him, but how do I fix this? I feel like we had a real chance here to give things another go, but now I've ruined it. I know he's going through a rough time right now, but I want to be here for him. I feel like I've lost him all over again

He said he can't be normal now after everything that happened. I can't remember everything that I was saying, everything just spiralled out of control... I was drunk and all of my feelings from the past just flooded back and just clouded my judgement and common sense. I feel like I stepped back in the past 3 years ago and lost everything I've worked on myself.

I tried explaining to him what happened but now he won't talk to me. Will he ever come back? I feel like I've lost him now forever

bjornen
08-25-2014, 08:51 PM
It sounds like you have a great chemistry on one level, but really not great on others.

How far way is too far away?

One thing that stands out to me is that you are overzealous about getting back into a relationship, picking up where you left off at what you consider a high point before the break up. I don't want to use the word clingy, but it is pretty clingy. Nothing wrong with having someone in your past that is very special to you or a relationship that you miss. At the same time I would suggest dialing it back some. I don't think no contact or any kind of games to get him to chase is necessary.

What about just pretending he is a guy you just met and want to see where it goes? It will be tough, but a fresh start is probably a good idea. Those unresolved issues from before may come to the surface sooner or later if you both try to just pick up where it was.

He isn't very happy in his work life. I've been there, it is hard to really be your best when you hate your job, your boss, the company you work for etc. Work is such an important part of our lives, it makes a difference. That is something he has to sort through on his own. I don't know what to say there, have to let it work itself out and understand that it affects a persons outlook on things.

GL!

flow90
09-01-2014, 12:22 PM
It sounds like you have a great chemistry on one level, but really not great on others.

How far way is too far away?

One thing that stands out to me is that you are overzealous about getting back into a relationship, picking up where you left off at what you consider a high point before the break up. I don't want to use the word clingy, but it is pretty clingy. Nothing wrong with having someone in your past that is very special to you or a relationship that you miss. At the same time I would suggest dialing it back some. I don't think no contact or any kind of games to get him to chase is necessary.

What about just pretending he is a guy you just met and want to see where it goes? It will be tough, but a fresh start is probably a good idea. Those unresolved issues from before may come to the surface sooner or later if you both try to just pick up where it was.

He isn't very happy in his work life. I've been there, it is hard to really be your best when you hate your job, your boss, the company you work for etc. Work is such an important part of our lives, it makes a difference. That is something he has to sort through on his own. I don't know what to say there, have to let it work itself out and understand that it affects a persons outlook on things.

GL!

Hi, thank you for the reply...I wasn't pushing into a relationship, I told him that I liked him again and wanted to see him again and enjoyed his company... But I completely understand we cannot jump into a relationship, when we have both changed and would need to get to know eachother again.
I only said these things because I thought he had feelings for me too, just wasn't able to vocalise them. Because earlier on in the day he said he realised his mistakes he made with me, that he thought 'showing me' how he felt with actions was enough. so when he came onto me and was kissing me, and being all loving, and wonderful... I figured, oh ok, he still feels something for me- this is his way of showing me

But when I told him, he said he does feel something but doesn't want to let his feelings grow. That its impossible to have a relationship now. And I wasn't even asking for one, just for us to see eachother!

I wish I could do this
What about just pretending he is a guy you just met and want to see where it goes? But he's not even talking to me right now, and I don't know if he ever will. I apologised to him for my emotional outburst, but he hasn't responded.

And you ask how far, and its a couple hours on the plane...I know thats pretty far, but i would be willing to move to be closer to him if we felt like this is what we wanted... I was just really happy to have him in my life again, and even if we can't be together, I'd be happy for us to be friends. I miss him and feel a connection with him, and I find it hard to walk away from something that I feel is special

TheRogue
09-01-2014, 04:32 PM
Honestly, it sounds from your post that as much as you love your ex, he brings out the worst in you. The feelings are intense, but they also lead to a very turbulent, unstable relationship, as you've found out the first time yourself. In just a few hours, it seems he managed to undo years of your personal growth. Whatever you feel for him, think about whether a relationship with him would be healthy for YOU. I had a guy like this in my past, and I can tell you now it never would have worked out, no matter how much I could have changed for him. The feelings on my side were too intense, he wasn't relationship material, and it would have ended in disaster.

Think of your time with him as closure: closure sex, followed by you releasing all the pent up emotions on him. At least now he knows how you feel and you let it all out. Don't blame yourself for that. You needed the release, and now you can focus on moving on again. If he wants you, he knows where to find you, but don't wait for him. He is clearly not relationship material right now, and he's bringing out the worst emotions in you. I know a lot of guys will tell you that you're being clingy/over-emotional/whatever, but there are just certain men that bring all that out, and not in a good way... just like certain women know how to push the right buttons to drive men into a jealousy-induced rage. The best you can do now is move on, re-center yourself, and look for a partner who brings out your better side instead of screwing with your emotions.

Rogue

flow90
09-02-2014, 11:33 AM
Honestly, it sounds from your post that as much as you love your ex, he brings out the worst in you. The feelings are intense, but they also lead to a very turbulent, unstable relationship, as you've found out the first time yourself. In just a few hours, it seems he managed to undo years of your personal growth. Whatever you feel for him, think about whether a relationship with him would be healthy for YOU. I had a guy like this in my past, and I can tell you now it never would have worked out, no matter how much I could have changed for him. The feelings on my side were too intense, he wasn't relationship material, and it would have ended in disaster.

Think of your time with him as closure: closure sex, followed by you releasing all the pent up emotions on him. At least now he knows how you feel and you let it all out. Don't blame yourself for that. You needed the release, and now you can focus on moving on again. If he wants you, he knows where to find you, but don't wait for him. He is clearly not relationship material right now, and he's bringing out the worst emotions in you. I know a lot of guys will tell you that you're being clingy/over-emotional/whatever, but there are just certain men that bring all that out, and not in a good way... just like certain women know how to push the right buttons to drive men into a jealousy-induced rage. The best you can do now is move on, re-center yourself, and look for a partner who brings out your better side instead of screwing with your emotions.

Rogue

Thank you for your reply.. In all honesty I think I know this deep down.

Funny thing is, when he told me about his most recent ex he said it was a really messed up and turbulent relationship, and I asked him 'more than ours was?' and he said way more, ours was normal in comparison. And he also said she brought out the worst in him and that I brought out the best.. So its funny you say he brings out the worst in me... I wouldn't say he brings out the worst, he also brings out the best but he does also bring out a side that I don't like and that I find hard to control... but maybe I just need to work on that.

I know there is nothing I can do now, but focus on myself and learn from this and continue to work on myself.... I do hope for him to come back around, but I know it will never work right now.. its not the right time.

lassebauer
09-10-2014, 09:36 AM
I suggest you look at the results and not the reasons.
Regardless of HOW and WHY, at the end of the day: is this relationship mainly bringing you joy or drama?

We often get way too hung up on the "if only" and "why does she/he do this?", "I need to understand this!" - instead of simply getting real and acknowledging the end result. TheRogue has given you great input IMO, so you might want to use this as some kind of closure instead of seeing it as a new start.

QueenBee
09-10-2014, 04:52 PM
I think the contact you had with each other was a result of enthusiastic nostalgia and that instead of getting closure, old wounds were opened up. Contact with people we knew from the past has a way of plunging us back into that past. As you saw, some of that work you had done on yourself disappeared. We can change our behaviors and attitudes somewhat, but there is always the same basic person in there. And your basic person and his basic person did not mesh. I think its important that you leave this in the past and get a chance to have a new relationship where you both enter on your best behavior and maintain that to the best of your ability over time. Also, stop drinking. There is honestly no good that comes from it.