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View Full Version : I cheated. How to break up gently?



wagnerisreal
08-10-2014, 09:15 AM
I've been in a long distance relationship for four years. We see each other every 2 or 3 weeks, and when we're together everything is great. We are very supportive of each other, we have similar interests, and the sex is pretty good too. She's the kindest, most beautiful woman I've ever been with.

Recently she got a new job, and if we don't want to continue this long distance, then it's me who should compromise and leave my social circle behind to move in with her. She's not pressuring me though. It's just an expectation.
The problem is, we have different plans long term. To be brief, she wants to live on a farm, and I want to live the big city life.

For 4 years I've been faithful and honest with her. When I had the opportunity I declined. (As I am rather handsome and women approach me from time to time.) I was proud of myself for being a straightforward person. Sometimes she acted jealous, even when she had no reason.
But last month like a switch flipped. I've been fooling around with multiple girls. My friend pointed it out, that I am probably just trying to sabotage my relationship instead of breaking up with her straight.


How to handle this?

lassebauer
08-10-2014, 10:14 AM
If she´s all the good things you say (and even if she wasn´t), she deserves to be treated with respect and honesty IMO.
Just because she´s not right enough for you - or vice versa - for you to move in together, doesn´t mean you should stop treating her right.

I call this "the big AND".
And what I mean is; oftentimes we want and even NEED to create a reality, where the one we break up with is "bad" or "dumb" or "not good enough" - because THAT makes it easier to break up.
In reality, we often meet great women with whom we just don´t click 100% for whatever reason.
Hence the sentence with "the big AND": "You are great, smart, beautiful [insert superlatives] AND we are not right for each other."
Or "You´re great - AND - I just don´t feel it enough to move to your end of the country".

When breaking up in general, you might use this simple strategy:
Be kind, Be firm, Be swift, Be gone.

I suggest you extend her enough respect and kindness to answer any questions she might have about you, your relationship and the how´s and why´s.
It may be irrelevant to you, but it may very well be the difference between an extended heartbreak and a faster recovery for her.

If you need more, I suggest you get The Breakup Survival Guide for Men in the Love Systems shop.
There are tons of relevant advice there, that might help both you and her.

Hope this helps.

wagnerisreal
08-10-2014, 11:43 AM
Thank you!

Of course she deserves respect. I feel terrible about this.
I will have a talk with her about this next time we see each other. I will be kind and firm.

lassebauer
08-10-2014, 01:12 PM
And you might want to NOT tell her about your cheating.
If you´re leaving anyway, it will just add insult to injury.