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JamieOls
08-06-2014, 12:47 AM
Hey,

my girl-friend left me before a year or so.
I had some nice affairs in the meantime, so I dont have a problem
to get laid but I cant stop thinking about my Ex.

As I got to know my Ex I was very successful in business
but within the 3 years of our relationship my business got worse and worse.
I was very unlucky with myself; therefore I treated her badly.
I suppose the main problem was not that I my businesses got worse and worse
but that I was not able to recover; she lost all her respect for me..
Long story short: she left me.
It is about a year now; my businesses are going fine again; not as before
but it is OK so far.
I haven't had much contact with her since we quit but I have sent her money every month since then ( I feel obligated to do so for different reasons even though I am actually not).

So is there a strategy to get her back even it has been so long since we quit?
Should I sent her flowers to her upcoming birthday?

Thanks

lassebauer
08-06-2014, 04:47 AM
First: Why are you sending her money, exactly?

JamieOls
08-06-2014, 06:28 AM
First: Why are you sending her money, exactly?

As my brick and mortar businesses get worse and worse she paid some money for the business.
It was a gift from her to me; I never felt good about it; she dont wants the money back
but I feel obligated to pay it back; have paid back half of it now; since I am back up and running again
I need only 2-3 months more to pay back all the money.

lassebauer
08-06-2014, 07:43 AM
OK, sounds fair enough. You donīt like owing people money.
I was just wondering if you paid out of guilt or because it truly is the right thing to do.

Maybe it would make sense to read my long-ass post in the relationship forum: http://www.theattractionforums.com/relationships/171205-feeling-insecure-my-1-year-relationship-2.html#post1007759
It deals with some of the same issues.

In fact, I have been thru a very similar period and breakup as you describe, and it seems to me you lost track of yourself along the way - and in the wake of that, you also lost money and your GF.
Whether a different GF would have stayed by your side thru it all is perhaps a question worth asking...
The only way forward IME is:
• Rebuild yourself and your life.
• If getting back with your ex is on your list, make sure you ask yourself WHY? And find out EXACTLY what went wrong, so you can fix it first.
• Ask yourself if your behavior and demeanor warranted her leaving - or if perhaps sheīd only "like" you as long as you are successful.
In other words; does she like what you DO - or who you ARE?

JamieOls
08-07-2014, 02:09 AM
Hi,

thanks for your reply.

Correct, I don`t like owing money; that is the only reason for sending her money.

I have rebuild my life and myself already; not beeing myself was the main problem.
She would have stayed with me whatever happened; even if we both had to be homeless for a while....
But it was the way I have treated because I was not myself any more....

Getting back with her is on my list and I know what went wrong and I definitely have fixed that.
I know why I want her back; it is because she is extremely special, she`s not a material girl, she is modest, cute, lovely, we had very much fun with each other ( I don`t mean sex ) and I feel beeing at home when I am with her.

So is there any strategy I can follow?
Or should I stop thinking about her since after one year we both are not the same person any more?

Thanks, mate




OK, sounds fair enough. You donīt like owing people money.
I was just wondering if you paid out of guilt or because it truly is the right thing to do.

Maybe it would make sense to read my long-ass post in the relationship forum: http://www.theattractionforums.com/relationships/171205-feeling-insecure-my-1-year-relationship-2.html#post1007759
It deals with some of the same issues.

In fact, I have been thru a very similar period and breakup as you describe, and it seems to me you lost track of yourself along the way - and in the wake of that, you also lost money and your GF.
Whether a different GF would have stayed by your side thru it all is perhaps a question worth asking...
The only way forward IME is:
• Rebuild yourself and your life.
• If getting back with your ex is on your list, make sure you ask yourself WHY? And find out EXACTLY what went wrong, so you can fix it first.
• Ask yourself if your behavior and demeanor warranted her leaving - or if perhaps sheīd only "like" you as long as you are successful.
In other words; does she like what you DO - or who you ARE?

lassebauer
08-07-2014, 04:59 AM
I just notice this sentence:
"I suppose the main problem was not that I my businesses got worse and worse
but that I was not able to recover; she lost all her respect for me.."
She lost respect for you is in the same line as the fact that you were not able to recover.
People usually write the way they think, and in the order they believe are important and/or cause and effect.
I just wanna make sure you know that youīre doing it for the right reasons.

That being said: Start dating her again.
You cannot "unlearn" what you know about each other, and to some extent itīs an advantage for you that you know her well.
OTOH you cannot simply pick up from where you left off - that would probably only yield poor results.
So, start dating her again: Build attraction like you would any other woman and go from there.

JamieOls
08-07-2014, 07:14 AM
I just notice this sentence:
"I suppose the main problem was not that I my businesses got worse and worse
but that I was not able to recover; she lost all her respect for me.."
She lost respect for you is in the same line as the fact that you were not able to recover.
People usually write the way they think, and in the order they believe are important and/or cause and effect.
I just wanna make sure you know that youīre doing it for the right reasons.

That being said: Start dating her again.
You cannot "unlearn" what you know about each other, and to some extent itīs an advantage for you that you know her well.
OTOH you cannot simply pick up from where you left off - that would probably only yield poor results.
So, start dating her again: Build attraction like you would any other woman and go from there.

Thanks a lot!!!
I am very grateful for your advice!

JamieOls
08-07-2014, 11:17 PM
Hey,

just another question.
I am currently living in a different location relatively far from her.
Should I send her flowers to her upcoming birthday?

lassebauer
08-08-2014, 03:38 AM
If you treat her like you are dating her all over again, with a clean slate, would it make sense to send her flowers?
In other words: If this were another woman with whom you didnīt have a history, and you werenīt even dating, would you send flowers?

Iīm not saying you shouldnīt acknowledge her birthday, and flowers is a nice gesture - it just seems like total overkill to me.
Itīs something you do when you are dating. Really dating. And youīre not. In fact, you donīt even have much contact.
IMO you need to reestablish the lines of communication first - THEN you can start thinking about giving her the perks (gifts, undivided attention etc) that follow if and when you end up dating.

And besides; you come from a relationship where you essentially felt inadequate because you couldnīt provide for her.
Perhaps itīs a good time to CHANGE that dynamic and instead of making her like you for the STUFF you give her, make her like you for being you?

Iīd send her a fun card. A physical one - not an e-card.
No sappy call-backs, no "I love you"s, and no "I wish we could..." etc.
Just a fun, upbeat card. This will show her, that contacting you wonīt mean going back down memory lane or reliving the drama of the past.
Perhaps she still likes you a lot - AND Iīm sure that there are still scars from your RS and breakup. You need to SHOW her, that this is in the past for her to even consider starting fresh.
At least thatīs my guess.
It will also give her an excuse to call you and say thanks - and it will give you an excuse to follow up if she doesnīt.

Snupas
08-08-2014, 04:10 AM
I agree with a lot what lassebauer said above but I would always be against getting together with your ex simply because things are never the same even if you get back together, for some reason one of you will always keep the grudge against the other about the past therefore fights will start(I would say general case of problems when you get together with your EX that people always remember your failures in the past it never starts with clean sheet). I went through that process 3 times in my life before I learnt that you break up for a reason.
in your case she should have been more supportive towards you at the end that's what people do when they in meaningful relationship, and I see you are 37 yo so she probably in her late 20ties or early 30ties(just an assumption) this means she is well grown up and grown up people discuss issues/problems before they decide to part their ways and at least try to work things out.
So before you decide to get her back just consider all the + and - of your past relationship. That's my point of view
But from another side why not to try to get her back if everything works you will have a shot and maybe things will work out, and if you don't manage to get anything from your attempts to get back together you will remain exactly where you are now the only thing that you will actually lose is time.

lassebauer
08-08-2014, 07:58 AM
Snupas
I meet quite a few couples who got back together, and made it work the second time around because both have matured or changed.
And I also meet those who should never have been together in the first place, or where too much drama has ensued for them to get a meaningful RS a second time.
Different strokes...
It all depends on the situation and history of the two involved.

ShinRaa
08-13-2014, 03:13 AM
I am, as a matter of fact, really interested in reflecting on this question by lassebauer which got quite ignored.


Whether a different GF would have stayed by your side thru it all is perhaps a question worth asking...

Do you want somebody besides you who will lose attraction at the sign of personal problems ensuing? I believe that, if you are looking for a long term relationship, this might be a red flag: bad times are going to happen. I'd want somebody who stays by my side through them, and not only when I am looking at my best.

I don't want to sound too naïve, and I understand that, in a way, attraction is bound to be lost; no matter how long you have been with somebody, the GAME never ends, in a way.

So, I don't really know, but I think this is in general a question very well worth reflecting upon. So I'd also like to hear everybody's opinions.