View Full Version : 9 year relationship down the pan.

07-09-2014, 08:58 AM
Okay so I'm 28, she's coming up for 25. We have been together for just over 9 years, and have two children together, a daughter coming up for 8, and a son aged 5 and a half.

As with most relationships our earliee years were the most happiest. Going out, drinking, cinema, meals, holidays etc. Back in 2009, i don't know if it was an early mid life crisis or if it was just because i was a stupud youngster, but i cheated on her. With 3 different women. A one off occasion with one of her friends involving oral, another occasion with another friend involving intercourse, and a relationship with an unrelated girl which lasted several months. I ended this because I suddenly realised what was important to me, and that was being at home with her and my children. She is aware of the three other women, and even though accepted me back, and we continued on with our relationship.

Fast forward to March this year. We've had a good few years as a family, taking the children on plenty of days out, family bbqs a house move to a bigger home which we both worked hard to kit out. We were functioning well as a family, however the relationship has been not so great. While she was happy to cuddle and kiss, snuggle up on the settee and watch films, her sex drive has always been pretty much 0 and she never gets the same enjoyment that she once used to get, unless we've been drinking. I put this down to my previous indiscretions, which the alcohol helps her to forget about.

I started to get paranoid around this time, questioning her, checking her phone, not having any faith in her to stay faithful. I also put this down to my previous indiscretions, that somewhere inside my subconscious is telling me because I did it to her she will do it to me. It got so bas, that she got fed up and around the end of March this year called an end to the relationship. This would only further antagonise my paranoia, furthering my bad habits of checking up on her, so that at the beginning of May she moved out and went to live with her mother. Two weeks passed and she woukdn't speak to me at all, and when she did it was through a voice of anger, until one Sunday she phoned and asked if i would like to go out for dinner with her and the kids. We spent the next two weeks together, going shopping, a trip to Legoland, and seemed to be laughing and joking amongst ourselves again. She remained living with her Mother during this period however.

Fast foreward to present day. The past two weeks have been horrible. She suddenly out of the blue two weeks ago, stopped spending any time with me at all, was out with her friends drinking clubbing etc. When we did meet up thr laughing and joking had gone. And then to top it all off i find she had been seeing another guy. Yesterday i happend to bump into said guy while walking down the street. I pull him aside and have a brief chat with him. Later on that evening i get a phone call from her shouting a load of abuse at me because they had split and he has blocked her number and will not speak to her.

So now we are up to today. Not one message from her, not one phone call. I have sent a couple, trying to keep it to a bare minimum, but no reply. Her car is currently on a finance loan, in my name, which i pay for. One of the things she said to me on the phone yesterday was that i can have the car back, she doesn't want anything to do with me. She also said she will not be coming on our family holiday in September to Disney Orlando (We're from the UK so it's a big thing for us, very expensive) even though it's both of the kids' firdt ever holiday outside of the UK. Today she will not clarify that she means she doesn't want to go. She will not even clarify if she means she no longer wants the car, even though she continues to use it. I can't even get a word out of her about when i can next see the kids.

I'm looking for some help and advice on this situation from somebody if possible please. I haven't long discovered the hints and tips from sites such as this one, yet i fear the damage has already been done and it may be too late. Will no contact really make her come round? Is it too late to win her affection back? One thing she always used to say to me when we first split was that after my infidelities, she never had any space. Never had a chance to think things through, and as such never really got over what happend?

If the no contact rule were to work, how long should i give it? How should i go about re-establishing contact? Any other tips i could be given would be most appreciated. Before people suggest things such as "move on, find someone else," i generally would agree in usual circumstances, but when it comes to a 9 year relationship with 2 kids, 1 nearly as old as the relationship, i consider it a large waste of time, and also a waste of life to just give up so easily. I know i love her from the bottom of my heart, i know the kids want us together, but i need help to get her to want it like the 3 of us currently. Any help on this would be very much appreciated. Thank youm

07-09-2014, 08:23 PM
I think this is beyond the scope of this forum, and the best thing you can do right now is talk to a professional marriage therapist (as well as a lawyer, in case you have to fight for custody of your kids). If you've been with this girl since she was 16, and she had a child at 17, she's probably never known anyone else and may feel like she missed out on all the fun that people her age were having. With the infidelity and you not giving her space due to paranoia, something probably triggered the drive in her to call it quits and catch up on all the life she's been missing. The best thing you can for now is give her space (at least two weeks no-contact), but try to set up a schedule for when you can see the kids. If she doesn't want to see you, have her mom take them to your place on scheduled days. If she refuses, consult a lawyer.

The worst thing to do with her is try to manipulate her into going back, using guilt tactics, getting angry, showing up at her door, calling her non-stop, or anything else that will remind her of the times you got paranoid. You need to give her space to figure herself out and be her own person, even if it means her going out with other people. Be there as a father to your kids, and show her that you have no interest in controlling her or reducing her space. If she expresses interest in re-kindling the relationship, see if she would be willing to see a therapist together. It sounds like you both have some past issues to work through.


07-09-2014, 10:04 PM
While i wasn't her first sexual experience, i am.certainly her only LTR. I have cut all contact unless absolutely nessecary. Yesterday for example she texted to ask what tims my daughter's hospital appointment was today. I replied only stating the time and to let me know what the doctor's say, leaving it at that. I will proceed to refrain from contacting her, only I will admit, two weeks is a lot sooner than i was expecting. If at any point she attempts to contact me during this period about anything other than the children, how should I handle this?

Speaking of the children, I was going to sit and wait for her to contact me about when i am able to see them. If there is only one thing which I do know from the whole situation that is the fact that she would never stop me having access to them. As of right now i'm working for the next 3 days anyway, so am not in a position to have them right now. As therapists/marriage councillors, she has always been dead set against visiting one. She made this clear while we were both together and apart.

07-09-2014, 10:09 PM
The only other thing which I can see even going slightly in my favour at present is the aforementioned family holiday to Orlando coming up in September. I am hoping this will be a chance for us to bond as a family again and might stir some emotion. Is there anyway I might approach this event with the hope of plucking on her heart strings in anyway? Providing of course we haven't been able to bond before then.

07-15-2014, 03:07 PM
Sorry to hear about your situation.
Rogue gave you very sound advice, so you might wanna read her post again.

As for the holiday, I suggest you put yourself in your exīs shoes for a bit.
It may be hard because you "just want her back", and itīs imperative that you do none-the-less.
You agenda is "stirring some emotion", getting your power back - and ultimately getting her back. Itīs pretty straightforward as I see it.
And you see the holidays as a chance for you to reconnect, fix the issues and be together again.

Now, what do you think HER agenda, feelings and POV on this holiday would be?
What do you think SHE wants?
The same as your? Something different, and if so: what?

These are rhetorical questions, I know - and I think itīs vital you know the answers to them BEFORE you just act on what YOU want.

The only other thing which I can see even going slightly in my favour at present is the aforementioned family holiday to Orlando coming up in September. I am hoping this will be a chance for us to bond as a family again and might stir some emotion. Is there anyway I might approach this event with the hope of plucking on her heart strings in anyway? Providing of course we haven't been able to bond before then.