View Full Version : Some insight after gf ends things when i didn't commit

05-19-2014, 09:31 PM
[As i write this i'm trying to make sense of what has happened and try gain some insight and move forward. I hope that by writing down what i am feeling i can shed some light into how i can make things better in the future.]

My gf has ended it with me after two years because i decided not to go ahead with selling my house in my home country and move to her country. She is 29 and i am 28. She has made it clear that she wants to have a baby and settle down, i want this too. My concern is that she is often careless and impulsive with regards to finances. I'm worried that if i do this and share my wealth with her, she will leave us broke and then how will i be able to support us then? - I want to expand on this further, but first some history..

Some history: for the last two years i've been supporting both of us while living together in her country. I've been independent for the last 7 years and work from home. She has been studying and has failed many times, which prevents her from being promoted to the job of her dreams. She currently has a job in a firm that would promote her if she were to complete her degree. All the money she makes is for herself, i don't expect her to spend for me, i do however expect her to be responsible when it comes to spending money in general. We have been making plans to be together. she often talks about what she wants and makes her wants very clear to me. As things progressed I found it increasingly difficult to give her what she wanted. She can be very demanding to the extent that i give up my time and energy in order to make sure i cater for her needs first. Buying her luxury items meant forgoing opportunities to further my business and as such my career spiralled downwards. My business does require cash flow, having greater reserves would allow me the potential of making more in the future.

The last two months i returned to my home country to sell my house and move to her country to be with her. Selling my house would also give me some extra cash to sue in my business to move forward. We have spoken to each other everyday and i still provide for her. A few weeks ago i told her selling my house is not a good idea as i'm worried about how they money will be best used. she will often tell me she wants very expensive things, whereas i think that if we gonna start a family together we should be prudent and invest and save so that we can buy things for the baby and make a home together. She may be relying to heavily on her supposed inheritance when i feel we should do things for ourselves. I'm surprised she thinks she will get anything from her family when she behaves like she does.


She would tell me that her successful friends are able to balance things much better and be able to work, make lots of money and have more than enough time to explore other activities.

She would also tell me how other girls tell her how poorly their bf's treat them and that she boasts about how well i treat her and look after her.

I can see where we are different. She is very short-term thinking. She will do whatever she wants to satisfy her immediate desires, often with complete disregard of consequences. However, her friends tell her that she behaves best with me. That being with me helps her behave better and act more appropriately. While with me, she has curbed some dangerous gambling activities. She will still spend everything she has on a luxury bag and simply rely on the money i give her so that she has food and can pay bills. I am long-term thinking and believe in investment, hard work and growth. but at times this makes me indecisive. i know from Malcom Gladwell's book Blink that our fist judgment is often best and taking time to ponder things doesn't usually improve on the result. She would tell me its best to make a decision and just live with it. I agree to some extent, however if you applied this snap judgment to our relationship there are things that need to be considered.

Some dilemmas i'm wrestling about in my head:

1. Was i simply not good enough? Can a better me be able to balance things so that i can both further my career and give her what she wants, as well as tend to my own needs? I don't watch tv nor do i go out with my friends. My time feels limited though. I work the whole day. It feels as if i'm working my ass off but nothing is ever good enough.

-Overall i feel i can definitely be doing things better. I also feel she can do things that can make it easier for both of us. I don't know why i'm being given this ultimatum when i feel like all my actions would suggest i'm deeply committed to her and love her very much. The time away from each other is very hard though and i know she is battling to have me be away for her for the last two months.

2. I come from a 'traditional' family, whereby i understand that i am the provider and the woman is the nurturer. It feels like a boundary has been crossed though. If i have been providing for us the whole time, haven't i been fulfilling my role? She tells me many other guys will provide for her like i have.

3. she has often told me she hates how i make her 'budget' for things and how i tell her not to spend all her money on materialistic things that don't seem to really give her long-term satisfaction - the bag that she "must have today, it will make her feel so good" becomes a bag next month that she can just pawn off and get something else. she has expressed concern that she feels bad seeing how hard i work for money only to have her spent it. She also tells me she didn't have these problems with her ex. But when they were together both their parents game them allowance and they were able to shop and gamble as much as they pleased. Her parents cut her off and she has been broke since besides those times other family members give her money. I don't mind that she buys things, my concern is when we are unable to bay pills at the end of the month. That we have no money for food and until i "come up with something".

4. I love her very much. Surely if i love her i must put her above everything else? It shouldn't be a big deal for me to simply sell everything here, leave friends and family and leave. I hardly spent time with friends and family when in my home country anyway. I'm usually using my time to prepare to get back to her.

-where do i draw the line between expressing my love for her that she knows that i really care, but also safeguarding the fact she simply does not know how to manage her life.

-does not wanting to give up my things mean i don't truly love her? but i do love her. we have been faithful for two years, i don't even look at another girl. what is going on here, where is my thinking flawed?

-i don't mind living there - i WAS living there for two years. I'm worried because things weren't working out. My job and body was suffering. We both were in a lot of stress due to financial situations.

5, i feel really bleak about giving up on our dreams of being together. I know i would work really hard to making her happy and make us really happy.


I'm sure i need to change my mindset(s) regarding several issues. I am thinking about things.

I want to be able to give the love of my life, the woman of my dreams, everything she wants. I want her to feel well and truly loved and special.
-How do i go about this while keeping my values in tact and ensuring i also get my wants and needs. My wants and needs aren't frivolous.

If i had to list what i wanted:

1. To remain fit and healthy. To be good, generous and giving. To help others.

2. To have the love and support of a beautiful woman. To make her feel truly special. To have a family and raise children in a caring and loving environment. To have them be able to grow up strong and healthy.

3. Money / time / flexibility. To be able to travel and have enough to live off for the rest of my life. Financial structure to be able to support a family.

[I'm doing some more thinking and reading]

Thank you for any responses and advice

[Edit] right now, what brings me to tears is the thought of my baby being with someone else.

05-19-2014, 10:01 PM
First off in marriage you support each other, she can't even do that now. red flag number one. Secondly, why sell yours and move over; can she not do the same, red flag number two. Money issues are one of the biggest divorce factors, red flag three. She's impulsive at 29, red flag number four. "Share my wealth...," You're thinking of yourself which shows subconsciously you know this is a disaster waiting to happen, red flag yet again. She keeps failing while in a dire situation(you give her money), it shows she will be a leach and leave you when the money runs out, red flag... You give her your money, and she keeps hers as well... WTF? Have some self respect man! She's demanding, while doing jack-shit for you, redddd flagggg. Why buy her luxury items, she has a job... she can work and buy her own shit. She's a gold digger pure and simple, and once your money goes, she goes. This is a disaster. You'll sell your house, move, shovel money for material BS, your business will tank, and when the money is gone, and you have nothing to show for your hard work... She'll be gone, and looking for the next guy who's foolish enough to give her everything they have.

If you know yourself but not the enemy, for every victory gained you will also suffer a defeat!

05-19-2014, 10:14 PM
Dude go get some counseling, seriously. This isn't even "love", or one-itis, it's an obsession that you have with her. Love is about giving, and it goes both ways. What does she give you, pussy, and a warm body? And what do you/ will have to show for all this work when things finally will go south if you get back together. You'll loose your business, home, dignity, and will eventually be broke. Move on, and cut her ouut from your life. You need a woman in your life, not a girl; someone who will understand your business, and help you grow it. You need someone to bring wealth, love, and cheer in to your life. She's not it, just pray for the next person to fall for her BS.

If you know yourself but not the enemy, for every victory gained you will also suffer a defeat!

05-19-2014, 10:45 PM
Yes, i see that I've let her and the relationship overwhelm me.

I'm working through my goals and an action plan. I do have a schedule in place. I must get back to doing things for myself again. I'm reading through and updating my goals using material from Scott Dinsmore.

What i will have to do is make sure i approach new relationships in a healthy manner and set boundaries. I want to be able to enjoy a truly romantic, magical relationship while remaining true to my other goals and commitments. I've equated true love with spontaneity, passion. Those relationships i had that were 'comfortable' and secure i didn't really feel any passion or true love. I will go through the material again, and work out what type of woman i really want to attract into my life. I want to have a meaningful and committed relationship with someone that we can both grow and share and nurture our goals and ambitions together. I worked so hard to make things happen for her and maybe she tried in her own way to make things happen for me - it just wasn't enough.

There are many things i can learn from this.

I'm trying to remind myself the sadness won't be there forever. Thinking that i will never be able to kiss my baby again, it makes my eyes water. Thinking she will be with someone else, i feel this pressure against my chest and my head begins to hurt. I will be channeling this emotion into exercise / fitness.

05-20-2014, 02:47 AM
I'm experiencing real stress. I'm so worried that I've made a mistake. i read Marriage Will "Break" Your Heart (http://demarkate.com/index.php/2-uncategorised/6-marriage-will-break-your-heart). i'm trying to separate what is real love for her and what is simply emotion brought on by the break up.

She has done things for me. I think she has also been afraid to commit to me more because of being let down by other men (her dad and her ex's) in her life. We are of different nationalities but i think that's what makes things interesting. Our cultures are similar though, our family religions are the same. I enjoy her culture. I found the environment there difficult to work in though.

What i keep coming back to is thinking - what if by committing here everything does work out. That her behaviour is a result of her own fears and insecurities about that fact that i've been in doubt.

If it sounds like i'm going backwards - all this is happening right now. I do think its best i write everything down that i'm thinking to help me understand things better.

It seems that their is a logical approach here whereby i just move on and do a better job of attracting someone else, but there is real emotion here. This is the girl that i love and want to be with and would imagine having a family together.

The bottom-line is that i'm scared that her behaviour is going to make problems in the future, that the fairy-tale ending that i'm seeing in my head will become a nightmare.

05-20-2014, 11:46 AM
I spoke to my family, they helping me to see things logically. Emotionally i could give everything up for her and it breaks my heart thinking i won't be with her. The problems that we had won't go away and will likely resurface again in 3 or 4 years time. Its likely i'm a co-dependent and that she has narcissistic behaviours.

For now i must simply get through this break up, make sure its official. Then go ahead with my plans and schedule to get things back on track. I will need to set better boundaries. Somewhere along the line i lost my self-esteem / confidence. I enabled her to use me for her own wants and needs. I was both very happy and very miserable. I didn't want to give up us - i'm not a quitter or failure. But it seems i did fail myself when i let her take control of everything.

This is all still very devastating. I love her very much. The pain in my head and in my heart, the pressure on my chest - thinking that we would be together and now i'm letting her go for good. Its the hardest thing i've ever had to do my whole life. I wasn't able to give her what she wanted and by giving her everything i am reduced to nothing, i keep telling myself that this break up will be the best for both of us.

I saw her face again today on Skype as we spoke, i feel terrible going against my word i gave her, promising i would give everything up here for her. In my heart that is all i want to do.

When i speak to my family i know i'm doing the right thing and its for the best. And when i see her, all i want is her and will give up everything to be with her. Its really incredible how powerful these emotions can be. I feel disgusted with myself for leading her on and us making plans together, dreams of us together that will no longer be. Its so unbelievably sad.

I hope that as my fitness / body and work improves i would know i've done the right thing. i only hope the pain I've caused to both of us will cease. That she knows that I did love her very much, that i still love her now - only that if we remain together, our lives won't work out.

Even now while i type, i get this feeling, i say to myself "hell, i CAN make it work" "if i work harder, if i really plan things better" surely if i've seen where we went wrong we can make it better. But has she changed? Will she stop the emotional abuse and the destructive behaviour. I wish i could change her, i think i did help her but will it ever be enough? That's what frightens me. That no matter what i do, we will head back down that dark road, but this time i won't have anything left to fall back on and our lives will be miserable.

05-20-2014, 12:08 PM
I'm still having doubts, please advise me what is going on.

In some way i feel my love and commitment might have her change some of her bad behaviour. But what if it gets really ugly in the future? I accept there will be difficult times, we went through some very tough times - i saw how stress affected both of us so much.

when i think about her, about us, i believe we can make it happen, that all our dreams will come true. I want to just give it all up for her. I'm laughing at myself for how crazy this all sounds. Its how i'm feeling of course. Those bad times have been suppressed for sure, i'm generally very happy. I've been so miserable without her in my life. But i'm not balancing things properly, if i make it all about her, it won't work. Thinking of her and us being together makes me so happy and elated. Then thinking of putting everything on the line and hurting my family by moving away - and their concern for me is stressing them out, they feel she is not right for me.

05-20-2014, 02:56 PM
Don't make excuses for her behavior, nor for yours. Focus on yourself, and learn what you really want in a relationship, and you'll attract the person that you need. Set boundaries that you will cross for no-one. What's the point of hard work if it's all gone? Your feelings likely come from the thought that your high risk investment, may not yield equal returns. The only person/s that can advise you going forwards is family, friends, or a licensed professional. Meditation also helps, but that's just me. Like my signature says,"

05-21-2014, 12:05 AM
I've ended it with her.

I will take some time to think about what I've learnt about myself. Make sure i set new boundaries and hopefully stick to them for my own good.

I will focus on my fitness and health. Build my career and take some time to go over the material and set new goals.

A major sticking point needs to be that i shouldn't be putting my life on hold for anyone. My value systems will change when i want to have a family but i shouldn't feel pressured to do things. I will do things because i want to, not work hard so that i give someone else what they want and feel drained and miserable

05-21-2014, 12:26 AM
i know i have it in me to love a woman the way she will feel truly loved and special. What i must understand is that doesn't mean i must give up on myself - it would mean she loses out on what she loves about me.

05-21-2014, 11:19 AM
I feel terrible though. All contact has been broken off.

I keep thinking i've made the biggest mistake of my life. And how can i treat her like this? i really want to know this is the best for both of us to go our separate ways.

05-23-2014, 03:31 AM

From what I can read youīre having an inner battle with yourself between logic and emotions. And thatīs both understandable and normal.
I would think most of us have been there - I know I have.
The good news is that emotions are in themselves not dangerous, no matter how tough they might FEEL. And at times like this, itīs good to know that you are allowed to feel shitty, frustrated, lonely and a bunch of other things, AND that you donīt have to ACT on those feelings!
Much like not feeling like getting up in the morning for work, or not feeling like running or working out normally does NOT stop you from still ACTING differently.
I mean, if we always acted on our feelings our lives would probably be a complete mess..
So, allow yourself to FEEL all these things - AND let your brain and logic CONTROL YOUR ACTIONS.

There has been said a lot of wise things from other members about your situation. They - and I - have the clarity of not being emotionally involved with your ex, and so we all see things 100% clearly. You donīt. (Well, deep inside you KNOW what you need to do, and you have even acted on it - so thatīs great.)
There are SO many red flags with your ex, and fortunately for you, you managed to end this BEFORE you ended up having a child with her, selling your home, moving to another country and in the end ruining your finances (which WOULD have been the result had you continued) and yourself.

She seems to have some Borderline PD traits, or at least a very immature outlook on life: Entitled, selfish, gambling, irresponsible, high maintenance, greedy, manipulative etc.
If this is the woman you chose to be with, Iīd hate to see the ones you turned down... ;)
As much as you might miss her now, it seems to me that you have dodged a bullet, big time.
Her behavior and traits are not something you can change, nor can you "save" her - no matter how much her friends and family think youīre good for her.
Ask yourself if SHE is good for YOU!
Does she make you grow as a person? Does she help, nurture, support you? Is she a good friend and loyal supporter? Does she have your back? Does she put you before herself?

Sounds to me like she gave you some attention that made you feel good and special.
Question is: How real was it? And how much will you have to pay for that attention? Your finances? Your home country? Your self esteem? Your business? Your life?
Some women have the ability to make you feel special, even though you really arenīt that special to them. E.g. strippers and hookers.
Once you wrap your head around the fact that she got a great payoff for very little work - AND that she felt totally ok with that - itīs not that hard to make the pieces of the puzzle fit.
She just wanted what she wanted, and you enabled her.
She just manipulated you because it worked for her. And you let her.
Iīm not saying sheīs a rotten person, she might have great traits.
I AM saying that she needs to mature a hell of a lot to become a good partner for you - and THAT process is a long one, and not one that I would suggest you become a part of or waste your life on. It can take years, if it ever happens.

Itīs time to focus on YOU. Time to get your life back and rebuild yourself.
Youīve already given her enough of yourself. Time to be selfish and work on YOU!

Good luck my friend :)

05-23-2014, 09:37 AM
OldFart, thank you so much for response, great insight and sound advice, i really feel like i'm getting my power back and knowing i'm allowed to put myself first.

i've gained a lot into my behaviour / mindsets too. Since i have realized i'm often a 'people pleaser' and made it a very easy target for woman like her. It still sucks though. I'm remembering all the fun we had and i did learn a lot from her.

05-23-2014, 03:53 PM
Thinking of her, my throat closes, my eyes water. How could i have done this to my baby? She can only be so scared, hurt and lonely. I betrayed her.

We talked one last time. She began to try yield her control over me again, i stood firm and she said "i have changed, i'm no longer her man" - but what she really means is, i no longer own you, you grew a backbone.

I still see us together, but this world is far from reality. she was adamant she had changed enough that we could be together, but the dragon inside her stirs when i confront her behaviour. I've been advised that it only would get worse. I feel terrible not being able to help her. I know her family have given up trying. but i do what to help her, i want my love to be able to let her see the world without hate and anger. Do i have enough energy for both of us? I didn't before, but i know what i'm dealing with now.

Who am i to judge? We all have our demons to some extent. My only concern is that her demon might steal away my soul and leave me as empty and as miserable as when times got really bad and when her love seems to run out

05-23-2014, 05:09 PM
Whoa, thatīs making things a bit melodramatic. Sounds like youīre reading the intro to a fantasy movie.

I completely understand and sympathize with your pain and frustration. However, try to tone down the rhetoric for your own sake.
The more dramatic you make it sound, the more dramatic it gets.
Itīs not about demons, souls or saving anyone. If anything, itīs about you getting REAL about your situation, and to use a concept from your fantasy world description: You need to get off your white horse!

Youīre suffering from KISA syndrome: Knight in Shining Armor.
Youīre trying to SAVE her from herself, when in reality you should be trying to save YOURSELF!
This is not her first rodeo, and I can promise you that it wonīt be her last.
She has been thru this drama and turmoil before, and itīs home turf for her. For you itīs a dramatic, rare even or period of your life.
Sheīs used to this and knows exactly how to navigate it.
Sounds strange? You may wanna familiarize yourself with Borderline Personality Disorder and itīs neighboring disorders; Narcissistic PD, Anti-social PD and Histrionic PD.
That may put things into perspective.

Let me paint a picture for you:
Remember that scene in "Monty Python and the Holy Grail" where the knights come to a cave guarded by a cute little rabbit?
They all laugh and think the rabbit is a piece of cake to pass, when suddenly it kills off every single one of them.

This might be just a comedy, but the situation is very much the same you are in right now: Take a wild guess whoīs the knight and whoīs the rabbit in YOUR story.

If you manage to convince yourself that she is somehow in need of your salvation, you couldnīt be more wrong and you couldnīt make a bigger mistake in your life.
The puppy youīre trying to save from the traffic on the freeway is gonna run straight back onto the freeway the moment you save it. Itīs its home....

So, please - for YOUR sake: Do NOT get fooled by her demeanor and FOG (fear, obligation and guilt).
Instead EDUCATE yourself so you can gain perspective and make the RIGHT choices.
Right now you sound like youīre about to make a very very bad choice...

"Who am I to judge?" you ask.
Iīm not asking you to judge her. Iīm asking you to judge and evaluate YOUR life!
Itīs for you to judge if you want to flush your life down the toilet because you want to let a misguided KISA syndrome control your life.
Itīs for you to judge if you want someone elseīs issues drag you down and mess up your life.

05-24-2014, 11:50 AM
Thank you for your response, its uncanny how spot on you are with everything. As i did more research its clear so many men have gone through similar situations some, already married with children and in a much worse position than i'm in or divorced and unable to see their kids.

i read the FOG article Fear, Obligation, and Guilt (FOG) in Relationships | Psychology Today (http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/stop-walking-eggshells/201302/fear-obligation-and-guilt-fog-in-relationships)

I've still been speaking with her and it only is keeping us together. As I keep setting new rules and boundaries she is slowly releasing her grip on me and giving me more room. But i assume this is only to keep me in before regaining control again.

There was another video i watched about 'Unconscious Rules' by SPARTANLIFECOACH, and 'people pleaser' syndrome and it seems i have been an easy target for her. She makes me believe i 'owe her everything' because 'if you love me you will do everything for me' - i can see how manipulative she has been.

We are still talking and as i have been letting her know about how I've been unhappy with how I've handled things and her behaviour so we talking through things. Now that I've read through so many things, i will have a major trust issue with her that she may only be saying and doing as much as she thinks will keep me believing things.

In a weird way she has actually been letting me into her own little world. She doesn't trust anyone, assumes the worst in people. Now that i am aware of things, she lets me know about so much.

Its a real pity, she has a beautiful 10 year old daughter that i can only foresee will remain sheltered and kept from the world. Luckily, her parents have taken over responsibility of her daughter (granddaughter) and she still does get to do normal kid stuff.

I do have guilt, sadness over breaking things up with her. I'm not really scared about being on my own, i will miss the intimacy and love. There are some wonderful things about having a loving, healthy relationship, my challenge will be trying to find this in someone else while maintaining my other goals and ambitions. Twice now i've let my relationship, and the woman dictate things. I will definitely go through all the material again, especially Relationship Management. The Attraction material worked so well but i was inexperienced with relationships and the types of woman i would attract.

I think what might be best is to work out what i rly want in a relationship (again) but then speak to the experienced men in the forum to see how it pans out in reality. Since i expect i would want a committed relationship but where the woman is quite independent, however still has the capacity for intimacy, passion intensity that I've grown accustomed with more unhealthy relationships. I equate the intensity of 'real love' with an obsessive love.

But honestly, i should forget about relationships for now and get my life back on track, my business has suffered and I'm out of cash.

I don't want to begin sleeping with random woman though. I really want to be attracting high calibre woman in my life.