View Full Version : 7 Steps to Getting Your Ex Back – Men’s Fitness

Love Systems
05-16-2014, 04:04 PM
Your 7-Step Plan for Getting Back with Your Ex

Read the original Men's Fitness article here (http://www.lovesystems.com/in-the-media/7-steps-to-getting-your-ex-back)

Cancel the flowers. Get off her Facebook page. Delete your apology email. If you got dumped and want her back, follow this no-nonsense seven-step plan. It comes from the experts at Love Systems, so you know it’s real-world dating advice (http://www.lovesystems.com/dating-advice) that’s been tested over and over. But for another perspective, compare these tips to our earlier get-your-ex-back guide.


Step 1: Are you SURE you want her back

She dumped you for a reason, and it probably wasn’t because your relationship was going really well.

It’s normal to want what you can’t have, and to be attracted to someone who rejects you. (In other Men’s Fitness columns, I show how these principles can be used to your advantage when meeting and attracting women.). In addition, your girlfriend probably occupied a big role in your life. It’s normal to miss her presence during those now-empty spaces in your day. But none of this means she’s the right person for you.

Before you try to get her back, read the classic Love Systems article “Kill Beatrice” (http://www.lovesystems.com/dating-advice/relationships/future-s-classic-article-on-conquering-oneitis-beatricide). If you made it to the end and still want to rekindle your relationship, then read on.

Step 2: Understand the situation

Some men who have been dumped think that if only they could just talk to her…just for a minute…they could work things out and get back together. This is almost always delusional. If she wanted to talk things out with you, she would have. If she was thinking about reconnecting with you, she’d get in touch. Because you’re reading this article, I’m assuming that neither of these things are happening.

This might be tough love, but it’s necessary. You have to accept the reality that, as of right now, she does not want you back, and that it’s going to take more than a friendly text or the right words from a mutual friend to get her to change her mind. It’s her perception of you that needs to change.


Step 3: Create space

Have you ever tried to watch grass grow? Good luck. You can stare at your lawn all day, and it will look the exact same. In the same way, if she sees you regularly after the breakup, she’s not going to notice any changes. You’ll just be the same guy she dumped.

Instead, keep some distance from her. Let her perception of you lose its sharpness and focus. The more time goes by, the more she’ll forget about the things she didn’t like about being with you and the more she’ll be open to changing her impression of you.

Now, it’s not enough just to create space for you to change. You actually have to do it. Read on.


Step 4: Change

Become the man she wouldn’t have broken up with. If you know why she left you, then address those aspects of your personality, but don’t just stop there. And, anyway, you might not know exactly why she left you – people are often vague during breakups to avoid awkwardness or hurt feelings. In most cases, it doesn’t really matter. Attraction is an emotional process, not a logical one. People feel attracted (or un-attracted) and then look for reasons why.

On the other hand, people don’t like to feel inconsistent. If she broke up with you before, she won’t want to date the exact same you again; that would be inconsistent with her decision to break up with you. So, change – and read on for the right kind of change.

Step 5: Get better with women IN GENERAL

This will be controversial. Your best path to get back with your ex is to get better with women in general. There are three reasons for this.

First, most of what attracts or repels a woman is “below the surface” – your body language, subcommunications, confidence, and so on. If you’re still in the mindset that she’s the best you can do, then these indicators are likely to subtly but powerfully keep her away. But if you’re trying to win her back from a position of strength – you know exactly what else is out there, and you choose her – your chances are much better.

Second, pre-selection is real. Women are attracted to men who other women like. And there’s nothing like a hint of jealousy or competition to get a woman to act on her desires.

Finally, you might learn something about yourself. A lot of the time when a man is pining for his ex-girlfriend, it’s because he thinks that she is the best he can do. Getting yourself out there again will show you other possibilities. A few months from now, you might not even want her.

Go on lots of dates. Challenge yourself to succeed with more desirable women. Don’t contact your ex until you’ve hooked up a few times with women at her level or above.


Step 6: Re-initiate contact

So you’ve created space, improved yourself, and gotten experience dating other quality women and you still want to get back together with your ex? Now’s the time to take action. Find some neutral pretext to see her – somewhere where you can “accidentally” bump into her, or “find” something of hers that she left at your place, for example.

When you see her, have fun, but don’t push for anything or talk about your previous relationship.

Everything will come down to the emotions she feels when she’s with you. Send her a text afterward to tell her that it was fun seeing her again. If she likes how she felt with you, you’ll get a positive, enthusiastic, response. In that case, make more plans for the future. If not, start the process again from the top.


Step 7: Don’t get dumped again

With luck and skill, you can come back from being dumped – once. It’s pretty rare that a woman who breaks up with you twice is going to want to get back together with you for a third go-around.

Contrary to most people’s natural instincts, this does not mean walking on eggshells around her or going out of your way to avoid offense. That just dooms your relationship from the start. Man up.

If all else fails, check out my guide to landing a quality girlfriend (http://www.lovesystems.com/in-the-media/10-ways-to-find-a-good-girlfriend) – especially if you’ve been dating the wrong kind of woman entirely.