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View Full Version : Need help with NC I think it's working? Please help



JustStartingOut
02-05-2014, 05:41 PM
Basically split up with my gf of 2 1/2 years. She said she loves me but isn't in love anymore. A couple hours later at night she told me she was sorry and was hoping I was okay. I said I'm okay and asked if she was okay. She said no and called me crying.

She said she is afraid of losing me and wants to be sure she wants to be with me if we decide to make it work. She said she thought of me with someone else, no being with me and no holding me and seeing me. She said she was afraid of losing me. She told me that she was feeling like she made a mistake and I said maybe we should take some space. And she agreed space would be perfect for her to clear her head. We are going to a close friends bday on Friday so I can't avoid that. But I said after that we will go back to taking space and she agreed.

Am I playing this no contact thing right? The fact that she is already questioning her decision seems good to me. Also, what do I do when she messages me?

She's posting a bunch of stuff of depressing love songs every where like on twitter, her blog, etc. She won't delete the pictures of us off everything but it's not her current display picture. I've been trying to be as non reactive as possible. I hope I'm doing okay because I love her and would love to get back together. Right now I'm gonna focus on my self but I'm just wondering if my approach is correct.

What I also realized is she lost attraction and interest. I wasn't who I used to be and I need to work on that aspect of myself again so that's what I'll continue to do as long as I need too.

I'm just not sure how to act when she breaks NC, when she goes to that party on Friday with me, or what to do when she posts those depressing/I miss you song lyrics Etc, or how to even play this out? I feel like it's starting off decent but who knows. I just hope that she finds she made a mistake for sure and she realizes she wants to be with me. For now I'm just assuming being nonreactive and working on myself is best. But what happens when she reinitiates?

Thanks in advance guys

Hank Havok
02-07-2014, 02:22 AM
She loves you but she wants to be attracted to you. At some point you lost attraction and she's confused. Did you start being submissive, always available, asking all the time what "she wants to do", watching the shows she likes, not working on yourself etc etc? Start there. You're welcome. HH

don juan matus
02-07-2014, 11:58 AM
alpha males arent phased by insecure girl drama

find happiness in yourself. and be impaccable with it. do nt let anyone or anything, esp her phase you and your feeling good

good luck

med-man

JustStartingOut
02-07-2014, 12:28 PM
Yeah guys that's exactly what happened. She said she lost attraction/interest. Or "loves me but not in love" she told a good friend of mine she can't make herself love me the way she used to but wants too and she said she's gonna take some time to figure things out and what she wants and then talk to me if she decides she wants this . So basically it's a clean break up and no contact is the way to go... Should I just ignore her when she breaks no contact? Or should I reply? I'm not sure how it works when she breaks no contact. I'm gonna start improving myself and working on being my old self. Since she told my friend she wants to grow old with the guy I was when we first started dating. Not who I am now (beta guy) and she said that everytime we say things will change they don't but I realize it now she just is skeptical.


My friend tried to convince her that i would be myself again and let go of the past but she was hesitant and then my friend said she'll talk to her about it tomorrow when her and the girls go to the bar.

I'm not sure what to do to prove it to her. Should I just do it regardless? But how do I approach no contact especially if she breaks it? I don't want to be the one to break no contact...

JustStartingOut
02-07-2014, 12:29 PM
Also thanks for taking the time out to input guys.

My other question was, what if I get her back how do I keep her? I can't seem to find any guides on this. How would you maintain your new improved self so you don't become AFC again?

JustStartingOut
02-07-2014, 02:13 PM
Could really use the help so I'm well prepared, I'll keep you guys posted/updated with everything also

Hank Havok
02-08-2014, 04:28 AM
The really bad thing about the situation you're in is that your heart and separation anxiety will almost win every time over the advice you'll get here. The advice though is the way to get her back so try you're best to ignore the instinct to call or text her. Though I don't think you'll be able to pull this off (not a judgment but few have to will power) i'll lay it out for you anyway considering your post was sincere. Here goes.

Go no contact as in zero contact unless she contacts you. If she calls hit ignore then wait 5 min and text her back. Then just be vague and normal. (ignoring her 100% shows being affected but being cool and casual will affect her. She'll wonder why you're not up her ass anymore)
DON'T POST ANY STATUS'S ABOUT HER!!!!!!! This is important. Don't post anything on your social sites about her. ZERO. Not even song lyrics or anything. Have the illusion you're doing just fine. Post pics at the gym, bar, club, mall..Anything that shows you're active and not laying around missing her.
Keep this up for 5-8 weeks then randomly in the middle of the night or whatevers late for her just text her. "I hear breakup sex is hot.. You down?" Then lead and be forward if she seems remotely intrigued. "I'll be there in 45 min. Wear a dress.. no underwear" .. I know this sounds ridiculous but you are trying to flip the frame on her and these things are you're best shot.
Show a willingness to walk away
Be unaffected
Be assertive and objectifying

these are all things you've been missing. I wish I could lay it out in more detail for you but this is like a broad stroke blueprint. This is also like hooking up a TV if you skip ANY step then it won't work.

I'll check this thread from time to time and try to help. She wants to love you again now you have the chance to get her there.

Good Luck. HH

Matute97
02-08-2014, 09:40 AM
That's gangster.

JustStartingOut
02-08-2014, 09:52 AM
Thanks man I'll try my absolute best not to message her then. It's shitty cause I know she's going out all the time now and I can't help but think of her with other guys. Feels absolutely terrible to me. She says a bunch of stuff to others about how she's taking time to see if she really wants to be with me. Yet tells me we can't fix it.

I am doing my best to work on myself currently. It's just a little tough when she's always on my mind you know what I mean? Like I can never shake her off for more than a few minutes inside. I guess it drives me crazy that she hasn't deleted any pictures of us or anything because it makes it seem like she wants me to hang on to it as hope that she's thinking you know? Also she still used the stuff I got her like when she went out last night my friend told me she was using the purse I got her and what not. It just feels super shitty now. I was doing okay originally but honestly maybe I'm not that okay?

Everyone says I'm makin these improvements that they can see but I still don't feel great. I'm constantly being told she'll learn and then come back but I can say that she might not. It's strange. She wants to date the old me so I want to be myself again. The non-beta me.

JustStartingOut
02-08-2014, 09:55 AM
Maybe she'll delete all that stuff when she's really done and/or meets someone else. Then I'll really know she won't come back? I don't know I'm having a hard time after last night but before I was doing alright.

don juan matus
02-08-2014, 10:03 AM
do not listen to anything she says

freeze her out

only answer 1/2 the time. act like you dont care

djm

JustStartingOut
02-08-2014, 10:27 AM
When she contacts me? If she ever will that is .. I'm not sure how long it'll take. Last time I fucked up so bad during the break it took like 3-4 weeks this time I only talked to her for 2 days other than that I haven't

JustStartingOut
02-08-2014, 10:38 AM
Well she just deleted everything off her Instagram/social feeds of us and pictures of us so I'm just assuming she met someone else and it's really over mind you guys I did that first days ago. She could be trying to get a response out of me though. She says to my friend it's just so hard letting me go but she has too yet still wants to take it day by day

JustStartingOut
02-08-2014, 03:01 PM
She followed some guy and he followed her back she told my friend she used him to get free drinks all night and wasn't interested in him cause he was way too old. She said that she doesn't want to date anyone but she isn't over me. So I have no clue how to play this. My friend is gonna try telling her that I've started to change maybe that'll open it up a bit but honestly I'm not gonna talk to her. She's gotta do it first. I think I'm supposed to act non reactive? As for her adding him and deleting our pictures first to do that. I think she's trying to get a response out of me. Any ideas?

Hank Havok
02-08-2014, 11:25 PM
You are entirely to affected and obsessed to listen or do anything anyone here tells you. This isn't a support group for the insanely broken hearted. Either follow the rules of gtfo. We told you what to do. DONT OBSESS OVER EVERY FUCKING GUY SHE TALKS TO! STEP #1

JustStartingOut
02-09-2014, 08:35 AM
Okay I'm sorry you're right I gotta work on myself and drop it. My apologies.

Hank Havok
02-09-2014, 03:33 PM
Not beating you up bro I understand and have been there before but you're glossing over the advice to get her back and focusing on the behavior that lost her in the first place. No one here knows you or her so we can't micro analyze every move she makes. I'm sorry if my post came off as harsh but sometimes the truth hurts. I said in my first post that it's unlikely you could pull this off and I hope you turn it around but it doesn't look like you will. One thing is certain if you don't you WILL lose her completely. Keep your head up man. It'll be ok. HH

JustStartingOut
02-09-2014, 07:29 PM
Yeah I know what you mean I needed a wake up call so it's good. I'm gonna have a guys night and hit the bar. I think that's what I need to do! Also I hope I can pull it off too but I just got off work and my ex drove by trying to see me and pretended not to see me. But I kept what you said in mind, be non reactive who cares. Gonna enjoy my night! Thanks again man

Hank Havok
02-09-2014, 08:07 PM
Great 1st step! Small victories mean winning wars so keep it going! What will you do tomorrow for YOU?

JustStartingOut
02-09-2014, 11:42 PM
[QUOTE]I will work on my accounting homework, if my friends are free I don't them I would come to the casino with then and I with. It reply to the messages I recieved. I will be the guy I used to be and I won't let anything get in the way of that's no matter what goes on in my life

Hank Havok
02-12-2014, 02:47 AM
How was your day bro? Holding your head up? Keep pushing.. youre gonna get there

JustStartingOut
02-12-2014, 11:20 PM
I had the craziest thought today guys. I don't want this girl back. After having history with her for almost 8 years. I've come to realize she is not girlfriend/wife material. Not only has she cheated twice and played this grass is greener games. I have changed into a chump. Two years ago I would have never been okay with a girl acting like this towards me or treating me this way. I cannot get back together with this girl at all. It's not worth it. I have way more self respect than that. She is very full of herself and to be quite frank I haven't done anything wrong except love her a little too much, yeah I went AFC but honestly I'm out of that now. This shit has got to stop. I gotta go meet new girls and everything, what if I got married to this chick and she pulled this shit when we had kids? How messed up would that be. I can't do this to myself, I'm worth way more than that and I know it. Time to be my old self, dominate and strong.

Just to clarify, I accidentally followed her on a social media thing a few days ago. Should I just unfollow her or would that be beta? I don't really care at this point but is like to keep my confidence growing. I don't care if I leave it or not now, but I'll take opinions gladly.

Also, thanks guys I've realized a lot just by reviewing stuff on the boards and just re-reading the things you guys are telling me. I'm the catch, not her. Never again will I put my life on hold for a chick. She should compliment me, not be me.

Hank Havok
02-12-2014, 11:35 PM
Great post but reality is that you will have weak moments and you just can't heal because you blinked. With that said you are on the right path. You should print out that post and carry it with you and read it anytime you're getting weak or down. Unfollow her on everything and block her. At this point you shouldn't worry about what she thinks. The best way to actually start to believe the things you said is to have the power to completely cut her out. Block her number, block her pages, block everything with zero warning. You're not gaming this chick you are eliminating her from your life. Good start though. Keep it going

JustStartingOut
02-13-2014, 12:13 AM
You're right I maybe be on the right path but I do know that I will have pretty tough moments at some point and time but that's okay it's a part of moving on and becoming a better man.

I will do whatever I can to remind myself of that post so that I don't forget what I've been through and where I'm trying to go. I deserve better and can do a 100x better than this so I really don't have an excuse not to. I gotta be myself and I'll do that no matter what it takes. I'll update based on the feelings I have each day with everything and maybe you guys can help me stay on track in case I lose sight of things if you guys don't mind. I know it'll take a bit of time and I've started a bit late to realize these things but I think in this case I'm better late than never.

Also I have unfriended her off of Facebook, unfollowed on Instagram and I will unfollow her off twitter right now also. One thing I might add is I don't know how to block phone numbers, I've never had to do that before? I can just delete it but I do have it memorized from having to type it in on my old phone before I recieved this one. So would deleting it be fine?

Hank Havok
03-02-2014, 10:45 PM
Curious how things are for this guy... Did he go full AFC on us?