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animalgrind
01-20-2014, 05:46 PM
Hey guys, I really need some help please.

Roughly a year ago I found out through my young children my wife was having an affair with the martial arts instructor. My ex and I were together for 12 years ( 7 years married ). The guy who she cheated with I've known for over 10 years too.

The problem I have is communicating with the ex when I see the kids. She seems to have the upper hand in everything and I have become emotional baggage. I've dated quite a few girls since we separated however I'm too bloody emotional and get stuck in the friend zone or eventually just get frustrated with the lack of communication from them. I haven't got over the betrayal and pain of the affair which is affecting me moving on. All the girls have commented I'm a great, caring guy blah blah but I lose attraction as I talk about what I'm going through with ex and access to children etc.

Are there ways I should be interacting with the ex so I don't feel like sh!t every time I leave the conversation? I don't want her back, just wish to get over her asap.

I'm sick of thinking about it till 2am. I'm seeking further counseling but I don't want to keep bring it up again and again. Just need a way to deal with ex so I don't feel powerless.

Cheers,
Nelson

DirectConnect
01-27-2014, 01:49 PM
Exactly "powerless"
Now question you need to ask yourself is: What can I do to feel powerful? Only ask a question and don't look for answers right away. Sometimes it is super helpful just to ask a question, that's it.
The situation it self is draining your energy away, as I can see you over-analyzing and over-thinking things and that causes you lack of sleep. Its like bleeding, you have to stop the bleeding it is your responsibility. One has to recover! What I'm saying is to stop thinking about it, I know it is super hard, but take small steps, step by step, going back to basics - when it comes to your Ex keep it short and simple, the less you see her the better because your recovery is most important.
People problems are solved and resolved with other people. Same goes with women, if one special women hurts us pretty bad we guys need considerable amount of other women to heal are wounded heart. Actually that is a formula to get over "OneItIs" syndrome, regardless.
I know and understand the concept of betrayal, it can lead to huge amount of pain. As for me when my special girl betrayed me my heart was closed right there and it will never open to that girl again. And the casualties, pain and suffering after breakup were huge. Yes sleepless nights, countless hourse of over-thinking, anyhow I was a mess. I got over it somehow. What helped - that I was moving. Its like going through freezing blizzard, if you stop you freeze, no choice but to move forward.
Also I stopped seeing my Ex and that was really helping my recovery. In your case it is a bit harder because of children and you probably have to see you Ex from time to time.

Old and eternally effective method to recovery is to Work on Yourself. Don't stop improving. Getting your confidence back is extremely important.
For the most part stop comparing yourself to the guy that your Ex had an affair with.
It all comes down to VALUE, period. What is your value? Are you valuable? Females have very acute sense of value, they want to align with higher value it is hardwired in most of them. Social value, material value, attraction and looks value, and all other facets of values. In our day and age Social value has extreme importance.

Now if you need something to think about think about VALUE, what is your Ex' value? Is it higher than your value?
POWER and VALUE are very closely aligned. You want to feel powerful - raise your value! simple.

Now you mentioned that you see other women, that is awesome, don't stop. Don't close, open up, I know its hard, women will help you in cases like that. Most importantly don't compare your Ex to other women. Every women is a unique peace of work appreciate them for what they are.

To sum it all up: Work on Yourself, Mentally, physically, spiritually. And see other women, lots of other women. If you'll do that eventually you'll find that amazing experiences with other women that will substitute all your sweet experiences with your Ex. There is always a bigger fish.

Maybe I put things that don't apply to your situation, take what you need and forget the rest I'm only trying to help don't hold it against me.

Nerpel
01-27-2014, 08:46 PM
Take a notebook write out what you think, and felt abou your ex, how you feel about yourself, and how hurt you are. Next take another notebook and write five good things and write all the positives about life. Lastly burn both and set yourself free from self limitations. The mind is very tricky it makes easy things complicated.~ Osho.

Sent from my SGH-T999 using Tapatalk

cam907
01-28-2014, 07:09 AM
Motion creates emotion man. you have to get up and move around. Go work out, go on dates and surround yourself with people and things that make you feel good! Get stuff that reminds you of her out the house.

You need to communicate with her only logistically about things involving the kids. Nothing else. Control your focus. Direct it toward positive things and pay attention to the questions you ask yourself. Don't ask yourself why you got cheated on... ask yourself how can I get what I'm after.

The questions we ask ourselves and the language we use is very powerful. So is how you hold your body.

Put some background noise on when you're trying to fall asleep. Guided meditations keep your mind from wondering down a negative path and help you sleep.

boston_019
01-29-2014, 09:41 AM
OP, nobody is attracted to problems. When you're out with these new women, you really ought to avoid details of the situation with your ex. If it comes up, limit it to "I'm divorced, and things are great now, I have been spending my time doing [positive, cool, fun activity]." No details. You reframe the failure of the marriage as a positive experience.

As others have said, throw out all your shit that reminds you of her. Photos, the shirt you wore on your first date, whatever. Get rid of it. Every knick knack.

You cannot account for human deceit. If a person chooses to betray you, understand that you cannot prevent someone from doing things behind your back. She knew your schedule, your habits, and used this information to betray you. Think about it: at some point she sat down and thought about when you go to work or whatever. She deliberately planned every encounter. Her thought process was one of scheduling these encounters "so that he (you) will never know." The thought of deceit probably excited her. She's not a nice person. If this were a movie, she'd be the villain. Maybe there were factors that contributed to the cheating, but in the end she chose to do something wrong, so the fault is hers.

I'd consider seeing a therapist. I think everyone who is cheated on should. That way you can figure out if you contributed to the situation that led her to cheat (and can correct your behavior) but also so you don't bring unnecessary baggage into your next relationship, because the next girl might be great and she doesn't deserve to deal with the mess your c*** of an ex-wife made.

don juan matus
02-07-2014, 10:53 AM
wow guys

everyone has wicked advice

i posted up a thread in the relationship section about self help books and stuff to do to heal.

your mind is hooked, and making you suffer. it wont stop until you stop it

stopping the internal dialog is easy, just discipline you life. wake up at 6 am everyday and do yoga or chigong, when at work, do all you have to plus everyone elses. start giving to make your views outward, not inward. go volenteer, walk gods at the spca. you have to get out of your mind and stop the voice that is punishing you

read the books to and practice their terachings

djm

sdnightfly
02-16-2014, 08:49 PM
Hey guys, I really need some help please.

Roughly a year ago I found out through my young children my wife was having an affair with the martial arts instructor. My ex and I were together for 12 years ( 7 years married ). The guy who she cheated with I've known for over 10 years too.

The problem I have is communicating with the ex when I see the kids. She seems to have the upper hand in everything and I have become emotional baggage. I've dated quite a few girls since we separated however I'm too bloody emotional and get stuck in the friend zone or eventually just get frustrated with the lack of communication from them. I haven't got over the betrayal and pain of the affair which is affecting me moving on. All the girls have commented I'm a great, caring guy blah blah but I lose attraction as I talk about what I'm going through with ex and access to children etc.

Are there ways I should be interacting with the ex so I don't feel like sh!t every time I leave the conversation? I don't want her back, just wish to get over her asap.

I'm sick of thinking about it till 2am. I'm seeking further counseling but I don't want to keep bring it up again and again. Just need a way to deal with ex so I don't feel powerless.

Cheers,
Nelson

It's hard to be around someone who burned your trust and you had kids with, but at this point, you have to either come together for the kids and be friendly and civil, or go through lawyers and keep your distance from her.

It's hard to GFTOW, and you're bound to get hung up and clingy on women trying to process things, and it'll take a while, but you need clarity and focus, self improvement, getting your self esteem together, and be the best dad possible. You don't want to make her your enemy, but the only thing she needs to know is that you're doing an exceptional job taking care of the kids and not bad mouthing her in front of them. They can see her true colors in due time.

Getting past it is different than getting over it.

What she did came from a place of being needy and selfish, and it's to be pitied more than angry about. The next fool who falls in love with her is going to see her at her best. She might not want you to find someone hotter than her, but I think down inside she does hope you find someone who is a stronger woman than she turned out to be. Now's not the time to think about that, now it's just about how to make your life better and look at the road ahead. Remember the good times you had with her, backtrack to where things started going wrong, and forget about the affair. The things that led to the marriage ending happened before the affair, most of us never saw the warning signs, we were blindsided.

Or were we?

animalgrind
03-22-2014, 11:50 PM
Unbelievable advice, very much appreciated.
DC -- raise your value - yes very true
Cam907- using the right language is so important
Boston - love it- reframe the the failure of the marriage as a positive experience
Don- yes your right it is easy.. I read power of the subconscious mind in January . my life has changed since becoming grateful for what I have and now creating a vision
Nightfly- I put my foot in it when I told her about the glamour model I was dating etc.. girls don't want you to be with someone hotter than them..

. although the ex is not letting me see the kids, I visit the Kindy and school 3-4 a week to read to them and give them cool notes from dad... I'm going though the family court to seek resolution ... I managed to get the kids today for my fathers 70th and my ex in laws stayed the whole time so I was able to talk to them about the situation... I think you just have to stay positive as difficult as it is ... just know everything will turn out okay in the end

boston_019
03-23-2014, 07:14 AM
Good. FYI, most major cities have some hardcore attorneys who specialize in men's parental rights in these situations, as the courts default to favor the mother.

When in doubt, lawyer up.

thebizkid
03-26-2014, 03:25 PM
First off, I'm sorry to hear about you losing your wife to an affair. That's tough to put so many years in, thinking the person you married would stay loyal and true, but they end up leaving you for some other dude, a dude you knew at that. Plus, the kids have to go through this tough experience with you in a different way. Selfishness all around on her part. I don't know if you believe in karma, but I've seen the karma train hit people in a negative way later for the negative things they did to others like this.

I really feel your pain too because my wife, of three years, left me in October of 2013, and I think it was for another guy also, although I never got proof to say otherwise except hearing my four year old son saying the man's name a few times. Fortunately for me, I had the inept ability to get over it by the end of the holidays, and the help of an old ex flame I spit game on to get me through it (thus why you keep that old black book around). Today, I don't think about my wife in the slightest bit, and the ex flame served her purpose, and I'm truly single. If anything, when she brings my son over for his time to stay with me, I just see all the negatives about her and wonder to myself, "why did I ever marry this girl in the first place?".

I read an article somewhere, or someone told me, I'm not sure, that it can take up to a year for the one who got left, hurt, to move on, subside all feelings for an ex. The longer the relationship, the longer the time. 12 years is a long time, and honestly you might need a little more time to heal. It wouldn't hurt to see a therapist to express those feelings of hurt, betrayal, anger and sadness to. If you don't heal, the future girls you date are going to become your personal therapists, and you don't want to do that. Girls don't care if you mention, "Yeah, I'm divorced." Of course the most crucial point comes up usually. "What happened?" You can sit there and turn them into your personal therapist, but your going to display that you're not over your ex and scare the girl away, or become FZ. You can turn it into a positive answer, with little detail, that demonstrates you are over it, and switch the conversation back at her on a new topic, whatever. Don't stay on the topic. Mr. Sensitive is not attractive to girls.

Secondly, take time for you right now. You were in a relationship for 12 years! That's a long time. If I were in your situation, I'd be focusing on getting business straight with the ex, take care of loose ends, hang out with buddies, find new buds, get in great shape, learn and practice the "game", and overall work on weaknesses with you that you feel need addressed going into your next relationship in the future. Work on you from the outside, in. Prep yourself for the next round of beautiful ladies you're going to meet. Plus, don't be surprised if the new you starts impressing your ex, and the ex is like, "damn, I screwed up." Like Vince Vaughn's character from the movie "Swingers" says a lot, "You're so money."