View Full Version : How do I change my friends' expectations of me?

10-23-2012, 06:57 PM
First and foremost I want to admit that this is my fault in hindsight.

Coming into college for the first year last year I didn't know much about standards and expectations. I was (and still am) overly generous and people expect things from me that other people would ask for payment.

Now last year I was the guy who would host pregames in his room and give the food in my room and the alcohol (some of it) for free because I was the host and felt obligated to you.

I noticed that when people become accustomed to continuous treatment they think it's free and do not need to feel the need to pay you back.

Now this year my roommate and I have an apartment off campus. My friends never pay me for hookah or the food they eat here because they expect it.

One of our good friends has a key to our apt because he is a commuter student and he sleeps over sometimes but does nothing from us besides take our food and drink.

Now my roommate and I want to put our foot down and make some ground rules but the problem we face is that they won't come anymore. Instead of helping us out they will either complain or just never come to our place again.

How do you change (or rather gradually change) what people expect from you in a way that keeps them as friends, but gets them to contribute more to you for being the host all the time?

10-23-2012, 07:43 PM
Unfortunetly, I do not have any tips on how to change their expectation of you and your friend. However, I will add some food for thought. If your "friends" don't want to come over anymore once you have removed their free food/booze/drink supply, then they were just using you for those things; sorry to say, but they don't value your friendship.

Do they invite you to other people's houses?

10-24-2012, 10:33 AM
Mm, this is a tough one. Can you ask them to bring some food/booze next time they come over? Just be like "can you bring some chips" and ask another guy "can you buy some beer so we have enough." Give them a chance to contribute. If they don't, you know they're just users.


10-24-2012, 10:45 AM
This is where I see cocky/funny working in ways in life other than just picking up women. For me it's a way of life and I'm genuinely sarcastic and playful with everyone (got it from my dad so I come by it naturally) .

Something along the lines of 'Alright you slackers, you all are eating me out of house and home and I'm about to be evicted and will have to live in a cardboard box soon. The free gray train is running dry, so how about bringing some supplies with you'.

If they stop coming around because they can't take advantage of you any longer, then they're really not your friends after all. Your true friends will understand and will accommodate. Rogue has the right idea, though I wouldn't ask and I would tell them instead. 'Bring some chips and beer otherwise we're all going to be sober and hungry' will establish your position as the leader of the party and not the heel that hosts the party and gets used in the process.

10-24-2012, 11:08 AM
Listnen coming from a guy who used to be overly generous to male friends. They see you as a lackey. They dont respect you as a true friend but more as a door mat. You should have set shit straight from the beginning now they are accustomed to you giving and giving. Cut these fuckers off fuck 'em. If they dont want to hang with you no more so what . Hit the gym game women become alpha on your own. You will look back and say man why did i hang with these guys.

10-24-2012, 01:52 PM
I agree with Rogue. You need to figure out what kind of "friends" these people really are.

Using you for alchohol and free food is nothing short of being an ass hole (if they're aware of it). Don't straight up say, "buy food/beer or get the fuck out". You need to explain the situation. Generally, if you're dealing with a group of guys, apply to logic and tell them, "Look, guys. We're spending a ton of money on food, beer and the works every time you come here. We need you guys to chip in if you want to keep coming over. If not, we're not going to keep providing for you. Nothing personal, we're just tight with money. We know you'll understand." They'll either react angrily for your calling them out on it, or they will oblige and help pay for some of the things that keep your apartment afloat.

This actually plays a role in being dominant. Guess what? It's YOUR house, YOUR food, YOUR alchohol and YOU'RE the host. What does that mean? You don't provide if they can't give back. It's not a one-way road of coming in, taking your things, then just leaving without a thing given back. If these kids were really your friends they would understand the need to give back to whomever is providing the house and everything in it. Why would you stand down to guys in YOUR OWN HOUSE? I don't get it.

Simply be your own man and know your boundaries - they're obviously crossing them.

10-24-2012, 02:43 PM
Thank you all for the advice.

I realize I fucked up now. I should have set more boundaries and expected more from people. I agree that I have to test these people. I like fuz's approach which I actually used last night while the Attraction Forums was down.

I asked a good friend to buy some shisha for the hookah and he said he would be down. I have quality friends for my core group, but getting them to clean up more and contribute more on their own will without me having to ask them too has been a mystery until now.

Setting boundaries and expectation is such a big thing and I have seen it covered in PUA material I have started reading in the last few months.

However, trying to dig yourself out of a hole when you realize you set the wrong boundaries and expectations is harder.

I feel that it is a more gradual change. I have not had any success in changing relationships that I have set or failed to set good boundaries and expectations, but I have not tried too hard either.

My plan of action is to use fuz's material and test it out. If they don't contribute after a bit of nagging then I will know they are not quality people.

I expect people to be good and always contribute, but I forget that you have to test for it and suggest it in a low key way.

Thanks everyone!

10-25-2012, 11:30 AM
Some people are greedy..hell most people are greedy and they will take that one contribution and run with it. Thats why first impressions in everything that you do are always important. Never compromise yourself for any one. If they dont like you for who you are and what you bring to the table thats not material then they are not your friends.

11-01-2012, 12:57 AM
Hey again,

I hate to be a thread necromancer, but I tried to ask a friend in particular for more help around the house and when he was gone he said something negative to my roommate.

I texted him since he is the non confrontational type and asked that he clean some stuff up more around our place since I gave him a key to my apartment, he eats our food, spends the night here when he wants to, watches our TV whenever, and drinks our stuff etc.

Now I was taking the trash out and I caught him in the elevator up to our place and told him that I left a note on our refrigerator which basically is please asking him to clean up.

Now after I come back from taking the trash my roommate says, after he leaves, that he is kind of irritated and does not know why he should clean a mess up if it isn't his.

My frist reaction is: ARE YOU SERIOUS?!?!

Does that mean you shouldn't pick up liter because it isn't yours? It really is beyond me.

Now at the core, I know I fucked up by setting the wrong boundaries and expectations in the beginning of our relationship (a year ago). I was the giver, the guy who set things up, the guy who brought people together, the guy who made things happen.

Now I am starting to notice that my friends aren't giving back. Sure I gave without them asking, but when I ask or even hint at expecting them to give something back to me they get hostile.

At the end of the day it really comes back to the question of: how do I change my friend's expectations of me and how do I get them to fairly contribute to me?

I know some people think they could be deadbeat leeches but they aren't. I truly believe this is my fault for being too generous and setting disadvantageous expectations.