View Full Version : Need some advice on a tricky situation

07-2012-31, 01:05 PM
Thanks in advance for the reading the long post. :)

Just to give me a bit of history so hopefully you can understand better.
I work in the same building as this girl, different company though. I spotted her around 3-4 months ago and when we passed each other we would smile and say "hi etc" I wasnt sure if she was single or not or even intrested in me in the slightest, i was also having issues "bumping into her" so i asked the food lady to find out and if she was single to get her number.
She gave her, her number and said she like to go for a drink with me. As you can imagine i was totally made up. I had to go away for a week with work so i texted her while i was away so she had my number and she texted me to say she was on away meeting friends, (she is a aussie living here for 1.5 years)

So i called her and we went on our first date.
The date was amazing and we instantly hit it off. We talked all night and had so much in common. Ive never been on a first date like this before and she stayed at mine that night. When we woke in the morning we both agreed it was a great evening and how good it felt to wake with some one. (shes been single 3 years, ive been single 9 months).
The next day we texted all day and spoke on the phone for hours and agreed to meet up the following day.
We went to a nice restaurant and again had an great evening and agreed to meet up again in a few days time to catch a movie.
3rd date all good, and i said i would take her out at the weekend (4th date) and surprise her, just said what to wear because it was a out doors thing. Again this was ok, she stayed again

Then i had to go away with work again for another week, I tried to call her and offered her a Ride into work and say our good byes etc. She didnt answer (she is a nightmare for answering the phone, she said this on the first date when all was good)
She emailed me in the morning saying she didnt have credit to call me back for me to call her to say when im going and she would meet up with me quickly. ( we both at work now)
I emailed her from the airport stating how much i enjoyed the pass week, realising it was a bit intense but had a great time. She mailed me back saying all was ok and to let her know i arrived safely. I mailed her back saying i did and i would call her in a few days.

I called her 3 days after and she didnt answer the phone, because of the time difference i didnt want to stay up really late so mailed her saying i called and that i would try again the next night, she replied she had no credit in her phone still to call me back and to call her.
I called again the next night and again no answer. mailed her again saying i would try again the next night. She mailed me back saying she was sorry she missed me call and that she had been busy and had friends australia turn up unexpected.
Before i had read this mail, i had called her rung 4 times and on 4th attempt she did answer and she was really upset with me on the phone, saying she was homesick and that having her friends here was such a massive deal to her and she couldnt commit to anything with me (dates). I said i understood and was happy to take a back seat. Reassured her everything would be ok etc

I didnt call/email for the rest of the weekend, i arrived home on the following monday and text to say i was home. No reply, i then bumped into her in the lobby and we had a 10 min chat, she said the same as before stating she was really busy. I guess I felt a bit insecure about this and asked her if she wanted to carry on seeing me? she said yes but i didnt feel convinced.
The next day i text her asking her to confirm the above and again reassured her saying i was happy to take a back seat. No reply ( No credit still) but stated if you dont have credit, email me!

I then emailed her the next day apologising for the text and asked if she understood.
She replied back to me saying she understood and it was ok, saying she was extremly busy and if i can understand we could say friends, she wanted all her time with her friends etc, i didnt do anything wrong and doesnt like pressure.

I replied back saying no worries and that im happy to remain as friends, we got on well and didnt want to lose that and would happily go see the movie we said we would see or go visit somewhere together.
I got her a gift from my bussiness trip, silly token present and that i wanted her to have it since it was made for her.

From this point i assumed it was over or would be over. I was gutted because i couldnt understand why but happy because i new where i stood.

She then mailed me back saying we could "maybe" go to the movies in a few weeks and she would try and meet up with me this week ( i guess to get the gift, i asked her to accept), stating i didnt have to get her a gift (but people always says this) and she would email me soon. This was 5 days ago. I mailed her back yesterday saying all is cool basically, reinterating how i got the gift, (wasnt expensive, more thoughtful, something she would apprietiate etc)

I finally met up with her at work (following week, 7 days after we last spoke) and we arranged to meet later in the day to give her this gift (this is friday). She absoultly loved it.
She said she was sorry for being a bitch (her words) and just was really tired and busy with her friends. I suggested going to that movie and she said sure we can do this the following weekend. She said she would text me the weekend, most likey friday eve)

I didnt hear anything all weekend, so i texted her on the monday at around lunch time asking if she still wanted to catch the film at some point this week. I left it open for her to propose the date. No reply again.

By chance i bumped into her the next day and i asked if she had got the text and she said she did but didnt have credit again. She also mentioned that she was unsure she could make this weekend. Because she was in a rush and so was i, i suggested we meet for lunch. She agreed. Later that day 40 mins before we suppose to meet she canceled on me, stating she was busy with work, and could we hopefully meet up tomorrow?
I texted back after a few hours, saying all was cool etc and i could meet her tomorrow yada yada.
By chance i met her again after lunch, she had just been out (work related) so at least i know she wasnt lying. We had a bit of a laugh and a chat and confirmed we would meet again tomorrow.

Now I really like this girl. Thats the sad thing. I know she is giving not enough back but if i do meet her tomorrow what do i say?

Its like we hardly know each other so i dont want to sound like im chasing a relationship but i would of honestly liked to go on a few more dates and got to know her more and she know me.

Should i suggest this?
How to make her want me?

08-2012-01, 12:20 PM
Hi any advice out there,
Just to update, she flaked on our lunch date again and suggested we go out tomorrow instead.
I replied all was ok and I'll see her tomorrow

What to say and do?

08-2012-01, 02:50 PM
You messed it up, too many texts, too many serious conversations.
Instead of taking it slow and having fun and let her worry where it goes, you got needy, available and supplicating

The moment she gave you unsure answer you should have take a distance and minimize the texts to only meet ups.

08-2012-01, 03:03 PM
Hi, what do you mean to much texting?

Also I was pretty cool, untill I came back from my business trip.
Once she started to reject, up untill that point everything was going great. She was even telling me she really liked me etc

But yet I realise I've messed up but how do I proceed now?
I'm certain she won't meet me tomorrow and i won't be getting into contact that's for sure.
But the chances are we will bump into each other and rather then ignore her, I'm going to have to say hi at least.
Also if I can fix this issue I really would like to.
But whatever happens I'm not going to allow myself to be treated like a doormat.

08-2012-01, 03:04 PM
Stop being her lapdog.

Cancel on her today. Dont email her for a few weeks. When you run into her, be cool. Dont bring up past shit, and just have a laugh. If she brings up doing something, just say, 'Call me and we will see'

Be a man. She is cancelling on you, ignoring you etc, why would you put up with this?

She obviously isnt anywhere near as into you, as you are to her. Begin the healing process, and move on.

If you ignore her, and she comes running back to you, then you have put yourself in a much more dominant position. If she doesnt, then you know for a fact that you where just going to keep getting flaked on, she was going to keep treating you badly, and it was never going to go anywere.

BTW - I would think thats its bullshit she didnt have credit all those times you called, and she didnt call you back. I dont know many girls that could go an entire week without any phone credit, and if she really wanted to get in touch wtih you, she would have.

You are coming accross as very needy this whole time. You must dial it back (even if you are going to pursue her). You cannot keep harassing her, etc. If you call, and she doesnt answer, you dont need to send her an email letting her know you called. She will get the missed call. If she wants to talk, she will call you back, if not, she wont. Dont call her a second time. Especially not the next night.

Stop bringing up her neglecting you as well. Dont say "I am happy to take a back seat". You are not fucking happy to take a back seat. You should be leading the interaction, not saying "Lets just do exactly what you want baby, I am happy just being around you every now and then even though you fuck me around". If she flakes, fuck her. Start gaming other women, and let her reschedule. If she is into you, she will.

You had a good couple of dates, and everything went great. Then you went ultra needy on her ass and she got freaked out and is losing attraction \ pulling back. You have to do the same. Tease her a little more in your interactions, and start building attraction again, but dont ask her out, or to do shit. Let her come to you.

Also, Flying from Australia to America (guessing thats where you are from)... Actually, doesnt matter, Australia to fucking anywhere is a long flight. I HIGHLY doubt her friends would have just rocked up at her doorstep. If they had, and are staying for a week or two, she also could have invited you out to meet her friends, had lunch with you, etc, etc if she wanted to see you. This is not a valid excuse IMO.

08-2012-02, 05:14 AM
Hi Portrait,
Well she said her friends were touring and she expected them mid August but they came early etc and we are in europe.
The phone and the credit thing, and texting and phoning back she mentioned she does this crap to her friends and family from the first date. But for at least that week she was always responsive to me and even intitated conversation.

Sound advice there, Just to update. By chance we met again this morning. It felt a bit arkward but we did the general banter crap and asked each other about last night etc. She was waiting for the lift etc. I was a bit meh .. with her not rude but not smiley etc. She then said she would text me before lunch to meet up. I said no worries dont stress.

Guess what, she never did.....

This will be doomed before it even starts if things aint even i get that dont you worry.
I just dont get this behaviour. I know alot of girls. I talk to alot. None of them would ever do this. Most even say if they aint intrested they would tell the guy.

I wish i did cancel on her just to feel better and say f-you etc.
Dont worry im still checking other girls out etc but yer i do feel hurt by this.
Its not like i want revenge or anything but i do want to get my chance again..
This happen to me when i was kinda young 18 at the time and the girl blew me off, then few months later she wanted me kinda bad and i got my chance to look at her and laugh :)

08-2012-02, 09:58 AM
Another update. We bumper into each other later on in the afternoon, both smokers.

We had our usual chat, didn't mention about the lunch flaking. Tho she did mention she felt sick today and was thinking of going home lunch time.
She started telling me she is all messed up in the head ATM.
Feeling really homesick and that her family and friends are on at her to return home.
She said her life hasn't really gone anywhere since she has been here and and she is 28 in 3 weeks etc

I mentioned to her she needs to do what she wants to do and not listen to anyone and do what's right for her.
I was being a bit cheeky and said If you do go at least I'll have a friend to stay with if you go home and I ever travel that way in the future.

We then got on the subject of us and that she feels like a bitch etc, she scared to get hurt and thats why she doesnt want a relationship.
I said again cheekily who said anything about a relationship and that i wanted to go on a few more dates.
I did say though i wouldnt hurt her.

She mentioned she goes into herself when she is upset and cuts everyone out and I made a light hearted joke which didn't go down so well. Saying I know this !

The conversation ended with me saying she knows where I am and contact me if she wants to.

I think she is divided in her opinion in what to do with her life. If she commits to me then she cant go home, if she goes home she cant commit to me.

I'll move on, that's for sure. But I still don't understand how I get myself into situations with crazy women.

08-2012-03, 09:27 AM
just an update.

We met today, we talked a bit more about things. she is away on holiday for 1 week next week.
We arranged to meet again for a ciggy at 3.
well, we didnt meet, she said she would text me so i was waiting for her, but she just went down and waited for me in the area i smoke in (instead of her usual place, her front of building, mine at rear) my work collegue was out there and she said she was waiting for me, he told me when he got back. This is what i mean about strange behaviour and this time its me who effectivly stood her up.

Anyway we met again when she was leaving work, she is on holiday next week for 1 week, to cut a long story short she basically said her friends are gone next weekend and do i want to go out for a drink.
I said to her only if she wants to 100% and not to f**k me around and she said 100% she wants to.

I will take it or leave it in my mind. I have been messed about. But i have unfinished bussiness here.

08-2012-06, 04:52 AM
So what do i do then. Do i call her next saturday to arrange our meet up, which she has agreed to but details TBC atm. Or dont bother calling and see if she calls me.

Im almost certain no girl would call the guy, so surely i must call her?
I wont have any contact with her during this week thats for sure and i wont text/ring unless she calls first.

08-2012-08, 09:36 AM
any advice guys?

08-2012-08, 04:19 PM
Yeah, stop seeing her.

I am guessing you wont though, as you just want what you cant have.

When you call her (because I know you will despite the advice on here :P) dont ask her when she is free, or what she wants to do.

Say "lets get a drink at X bar, I hear they have great cocktails. Pick you up at 7".

If she says no, or she has other plans, then it is on her to reschedule. You cant keep being so available for her. You arent a challenge for her at all. She is bored by your itneraction, and your neediness. Ever saying "she knows where I am and contact me if she wants to." gives her more power in the relationship. Basically you said to her
"I am available anytime you want, when and if you want me. I will just wait for you to have time for me". That is no the way a man presents himself.

Honestly, give her this last chance. You have given her the benefit of the doubt at every single turn, non stop through your entire interaction. Fine. Thats done. If she flakes on you, or doesnt see you when she has an entire week off, then that has to be it.

I think it is unlikely she will grab a drink with you. Not to say she lied to you when she said she was 100%, but it is just how she felt at the time. If/when she flakes on you, go NC - If she says, lets catch up for a drink, just say "I am pretty swamped this week, I will give you a call". DOnt call her. The only way you have a shot with this girl, is to be a man, be a challenge, and take back the leadership of the interactions.

08-2012-09, 04:41 AM
Thanks for the advice Portrait, Well she been abroad all week and back friday evening, but im out myself that day so Saturday was first time we both free.

One more question. Do you not think its would be better i text in the afternoon saying " Hey xxx, hope you had a good holiday etc, I take it we still on for tonight since i havent heard from you, Ill pick you up at 8:00"

08-2012-09, 02:34 PM
Call, dont text.

08-2012-12, 11:27 AM
Well, saturday come. I ring her to confirm times etc she didnt answer, i gave her benefit of the doubt and text her a bit later saying let me know. No reply.

I find this behaviour extremely rude if im honest, i dont know anyone who wouldnt at least text or call to say they cant make something.
Worst thing is i will see her at work, so surely this will be arkward. Ill be cool and wont say anything about this flaking.
thanks for all the advice and help. I wont be posting no more.

08-2012-12, 11:34 AM
You should really let this one go, it is huge time and energy waste.

Next time you see her and she still plays her games and tries to invite you out or telling you she still wants it, just tell her "I think you very confused with what you want, and it just not working for me anymore".

Never waste you time on people who not worth it.

08-2012-12, 03:26 PM
Yeah, Portrait and Bogs are right.
You need to let this one go. 100%.
She is making so many of the classic, lame excuses for not meeting up, and has turned flaking into an art form.
"I was busy", "My phone didnīt work", "I went to the wrong side of the building to smoke", "I feel sick these days..", "I am not really interested in a relationship.." etc etc etc.

This girl is a virtual CATALOGUE of excuses and indicators of DISinterest.
And you are hellbent on making yourself believe her lame excuses.

Youīre asking why you run into this type of women?
Simple: Your self esteem is not where it should be.
If you stand up for what you believe in, and donīt take any crap from women like this one - they wonīt stand a chance of getting within a mile of you.
She only plays these games and behaves in this "impolite" way BECAUSE YOU LET HER!

She flakes. You reward her by asking her out again.
She serves you a shitty excuse. You eat it up.
She shows complete lack of initiative. You reward her by taking more initiatives yourself.
She is "rude". You reward her by still being interested.
She shows you no real interest. You respond by still chasing her.

Is it any wonder if she has zero respect for you, and just sees you as a piece of toy she can play with?

08-2012-12, 03:53 PM
Portrait and Oldfart have it pretty much spot on. So i won't post a mega long post.. also I don't think you'll take the advice on board but you'll learn eventually (hopefully). Stop being a shit bloke.. You have to pursue to an extent, especially if she's high tier and a hot chick.. But theirs a line.. she flakes once, with an excuse Il give her the benefit of the doubt, maybe invite her along somewhere again. Twice she's flaked.. she's dropped. I won't bother with her. Game other women and you won't get so hung up on one chick

08-2012-13, 04:39 AM
Hey, Thanks for all the replies.

Just to point out my self esteem is fine, i got her number and asked her out, we went out 4 times before i went away.
i dont know why she suddenly went crazy and yer, ive been giving her the benefit of the doubt way to much. This i agree on.
I saw her this morning briefly, asked how her hols was, she brought up she didnt get back till the weekend and why we couldnt go out, i didnt even ask for the excuse and didnt even respond to it, talked crap about the weather and then i cut her short, said i had to go and walked away.

felt good ;)