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mike1234
07-2012-29, 02:55 PM
"once a cheater, always a cheater"

-how far do you guys find this to be true?

I went out with this HB9 ... we got into discussing a lot of topics. She admitted to having cheated on her past serious relationship, for a few months.

I am looking for an LTR in the long-run, so I think that someone who has cheated before is a red flag.

So, Next this one, or invest more time and see her for one more time? What do you guys think?

Itz Skip
07-2012-29, 03:24 PM
Well mike1234 at least shes honest, I have never had a girl tell me that she cheated without it being the dudes fault first. Attraction isn't a choice,I hate it when people think because a girl has cheated she will do it over and over. If your a solid guy with good skills and guide her well she shouldn't be an issue.

Portrait
07-2012-29, 04:46 PM
I think if she made a mistake, one night, and cheated, then give her the benefit of the doubt. I wouldnt black mark a girl for the rest of her life for that.

If she was cheating constantly, for several months (if this is what you ment when you said "having cheated on her past serious relationship, for a few months."
then I would suggest her moral compass is fairly fucked up.

I would next her if she cheated a couple of times... as this become acceptable.

If it was a one time thing, then give her the benefit of the doubt.

mike1234
07-2012-29, 10:23 PM
Itz Skip and Portrait, thank you for the input.

Portrait, that's exactly the thing that's I noticed: this had apparently been going on for several months. Her point, for either not getting out of the relationship she was in or not stopping seeing this other person while still married, is that she didn't want to hurt the husband.

Ok, so now I know I am better off moving on.

But hearing her overall life story, you cannot help but feel bad. I know I cannot provide a quick-fix with her life's problems, but she seems so very lost in her life. She is also very obsessed about her faith in God, almost to the point where people ignore her. Now add self esteem issues to that mix, along with knock-out good looks, and the fact that she is into me. The things that I do like in her is that she's very attractive, very nice to talk to/good social skills and she really opens up to me, and tries to be honest IMO, most of the time.

I feel, that, "hit it and quit it" would cause her more emotional damage and pain. I am thinking of just keeping her as a friend, and when I get time, meeting up every now and then to provide some positive support.

Would this be a good thing to do, or am I over-thinking this and should just leave her alone if I am not sure about dating her? Thanks for helping out.

d_downs
07-2012-29, 10:54 PM
I'm confused. Do you want her as a fwb or LTR?

There's nothing wrong with feeling sorry for someone but that's not enough reason to be with them. You're not a hero and it's not your job to solve anyones problem. She will not change or get better until she makes a conscious effort to do so.

Regarding her obsessive faith in God, did this happen after her last relationship or was she in-love with God during it. If she was while cheating then I call bullshit. May not be an expert on religion but God forbids adultery and with an obsession with God, cheating for months shouldn't happen.

Also, her excuse for continuing to cheat is a load of shit. There is no reason for continued cheating. Once is forgivable but repeatedly means it was deliberate.

marked9
07-2012-29, 10:55 PM
I agree with Itz Skip. Very true, if you are a "solid guy" then it is not an issue. Being solid means everything, strength in character, good social calibration, entice and occupy her mind very well, seduce her, good in bed, on your own path, high value. It takes a lot to be that awesome solid guy.

d_downs
07-2012-29, 11:50 PM
I agree with Itz Skip. Very true, if you are a "solid guy" then it is not an issue. Being solid means everything, strength in character, good social calibration, entice and occupy her mind very well, seduce her, good in bed, on your own path, high value. It takes a lot to be that awesome solid guy.

This will not prevent a girl from cheating on you; only reduce the chances. The thought of during something taboo, the adrenaline rush, the right situation, the stars aligning, etc can cause a girl to cheat. There is no way of preventing it. You can only trust that your assessment of her character is right and she's one of those women who won't cheat regardless of what happens. Ultimately, the choice to cheat is more about her than about you. I know girls who've been in shitty relationships and had the sense to end the relationship before pursuing the new guy.

In any case, OP needs to assess her character and make a call he's comfortable with. It would be stupid if he chooses to be with her in an LTR and freaks out every time she hangs out with some dude. As long as he's confident in his choice, I see nothing really stopping him from doing whatever he wants.

Portrait
07-2012-30, 01:40 PM
Cheating repeatedly, and for a long time, I would think shows a real weekness is her character, and in her morals.

She is a religious freak, but think its all good to fuck two dudes at once? Um...?

She is obviously more of a 'Do as I say, no as I do' person. I would be very careful. Long term and repeat cheaters are very dangerous to get into a relationship with. I am not saying that if you cheat a couple of times on 1 partner, you are going to cheat all the time on every partner, but it does become a lot more acceptable internally to ones self if they cheat constantly. Its like you just begin to justify your actions.

I cant imagine you would ever be overly comfortable with her having male friends, and going out with them etc, without you.

However, as D_downs said, there is nothing to stop you doing whatever you want. I mean, she has done nothing but be honest and open with you. If she has never treated you badly, or given you a reason not to trust her, then is it really fair you judge her on her past? Like a womens sexual history, maybe cheating is best kept hidden from future partners.

Personally, if you arent in too deep at the moment, then I would just next her, and keep her as a mate. If you already have developed strong feelings for her, and really find a need to see where it heads, then just go for it. You cant just make decisions based on fear, because you might get hurt, at some point you do have to have faith in the other person, and trust they wont fuck you over.

AA1
07-2012-31, 01:47 AM
she will cheat you too (at worst moment possible), if that's your question

so count that in to equation, and don't be surprised

OldFart
07-2012-31, 04:02 AM
Red flag alert!!!

Mike1234,
Read your own description of her: She has several issues including low self esteem, a fucked up moral compass and "lost in life".
The only thing sheīs got going for her (as far as you are concerned) is the fact that she is seemingly into you...and looks hot.

And you run the huge risk of getting KISA syndrome. Knight In Shining Armor Syndrome: You wanna rescue this damsel in distress.
This raises several paramount questions:

• Do you want a patient - or a partner?
• She may think YOU are interesting for her - but what does SHE bring to the table (besides her looks)? Whatīs in this for YOU?

She serves you the classic bullshit line "I didnīt wanna hurt my husband..." NO! WRONG! She just had her head so far up her own ass, and didnīt have the balls to do what was RIGHT and get e divorce BEFORE fucking another guy. She was simply being selfish and thoughtless. Nothing more.
And if she really didnīt wanna hurt her husband, why the fuck was she fucking another man for months? Does that sound logical to you?

(Forgive my rant - but I have been in her husbandīs shoes, and believe me - it has NOTHING to do with not wanting to hurt her husband).

Submissive, "lost" people are often the worst to be in a relationship with, because they simply donīt have the courage or integrity to speak up, do whatīs right and act respectfully towards others. They often get lost in their own victim role, and tell themselves that itīs ok to seek comfort outside their relationship.
Itīs much simpler than having to confront their partner and get into a confrontational situation.
And they always have some lame sob-story - to convince themselves that itīs ok to fuck around because "they need a little happiness in their sad, sad lives".
And now she is serving you this same story. Question is: Are you eating it up?

Believe me, she WILL do the same to you eventually. Unless she has a MAJOR eye-opener (e.g. gets hurt herself and realizes what sheīs been doing wrong) she WILL continue this behavior. Just imagine her having an issue with you that she is afraid of telling you...but instead starts to find "help" from another man.

Run for the hills and donīt look back.
Find a stable, grounded woman with a sense of direction and integrity.
Save yourself instead of naively believing that you can save her. You canīt!

mike1234
07-2012-31, 10:58 PM
Cheating repeatedly, and for a long time, I would think shows a real weekness is her character, and in her morals.

She is a religious freak, but think its all good to fuck two dudes at once? Um...?

She is obviously more of a 'Do as I say, no as I do' person. I would be very careful. Long term and repeat cheaters are very dangerous to get into a relationship with. I am not saying that if you cheat a couple of times on 1 partner, you are going to cheat all the time on every partner, but it does become a lot more acceptable internally to ones self if they cheat constantly. Its like you just begin to justify your actions.

I cant imagine you would ever be overly comfortable with her having male friends, and going out with them etc, without you.

However, as D_downs said, there is nothing to stop you doing whatever you want. I mean, she has done nothing but be honest and open with you. If she has never treated you badly, or given you a reason not to trust her, then is it really fair you judge her on her past? Like a womens sexual history, maybe cheating is best kept hidden from future partners.

Personally, if you arent in too deep at the moment, then I would just next her, and keep her as a mate. If you already have developed strong feelings for her, and really find a need to see where it heads, then just go for it. You cant just make decisions based on fear, because you might get hurt, at some point you do have to have faith in the other person, and trust they wont fuck you over.

Portrait and Oldfart, the girl was in her late 20s when this cheating occurred, which continued for months. Of course, her reason to justify the cheating is complete bs. I wrote that to help folks understand that her reasoning is f-ed up.

Two other issues:
one is the "Jesus-Freak" issue.
The other, which occurs about, I'd say, 5% of the time, is that she's kind of disrespectful/bratty.

Now I don't have any trouble setting her back in her place when this behavior occurs, and usually, with some behavior conditioning, this will improve. She's a model, so I guess a lot of guys put up with this, I definitely don't.

Thing is, even if this is a short term thing, it is kind of annoying to put up with this behavior.

FWB with this girl would be a lot of fun. Even FWB involves a certain level of trust, and I just don't know how much I can trust her, based on the interactions so far.

The other option, I guess, is giving it a shot without expectations. It's just that being in constant "cop-mode" as her disrespectful behavior spills out is not something I would prefer. There is an HB8 at the moment, she is not a model, but not bratty/disrespectful. Thinking of giving her a shot, then reconsider this HB9 later. I usually go for the same type of girl, HB7 or higher in terms of looks, highly educated, great career. I have never run into one who is disrespectful/bratty. A few have a big head because of their education/career, but that's easy to find out in one or two outings. I usually don't run into models, and this is only the second one. The first one was bratty and I flat-out cut communication after the first date.

Someone in another board pointed out she's playing the "victim card" perspective, this was eye-opening for me. Yes, I have to admit one of the reasons I still want to keep talking to this girl, is the hope that I'll have a little bit of positive influence.

I understand, that dating this girl will run the risk of cheating. Overall, I am thinking of just ignoring this girl for this week/weekend and get to know how the HB8 is, as a person. Hopefully, will have some fresh perspective after that. What do you think?

OldFart
07-2012-31, 11:55 PM
I think you should be very careful about talking yourself into seeing this woman.

Reading your post itīs clear to me, that you are trying to find ways to make it OK in your own mind, that you can see this girl "because you can have a little bit of positive influence" (KISA Syndrome warning!!) and "because you usually donīt run into models" (discarding your own normal values because sheīs hot).

You think you can keep her at an armīs length in a FWB scenario - but judging from your posts, Iīd say you canīt.
Her looks and model status hold such high value to you, that you are now trying to find an excuse to see her even though you probably wouldnīt accept her personality or behavior had she been an HB5.

At the end of the day itīs naturally up to you.
You have a bundle of warning lights telling you to back off IMO.
Question is if you want to compromize yourself for a piece of hot ass - or if you will stand by your values and move on to a woman who is not only hot, but also brings you a lot less drama than Miss Model will?

And FYI: Nothing gives your self esteem a bigger boost than saying no to a hot woman - and standing by your values instead.

mike1234
08-2012-01, 06:16 PM
Thanks everyone for the valuable feedback. I decided to completely cut contact with this girl for now.

I don't want to get sucked in by her drama and negative energy. I think this will help me get over her sooner.

sdnightfly
08-2012-01, 08:54 PM
You have to get down to why the cheating happened, to me it's either someone with an impulsive nature or a needy nature. Someone who cheats because they're afraid to tell someone they want to move on? Then she's going to be afraid to share important details with you and hide a lot of things. It's built up deceit.

Never compromise your values and self-worth when it comes to relationships.