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View Full Version : What girls do vs. what they say behind your back



David91613
07-20-2012, 06:59 AM
This is something I have seen fairly consistently, and it bugs me. Often times girls will say some guy is creepy/annoying/etc. and then hook up with him. If you are the guy in that position, do you just ignore it or what? 2 recent examples I've had:

1. Girl I was getting with wanted to be exclusive and a "friend" of mine started getting with her too. I told her that would not be happening so she told him to leave her alone and said he was a creep/asshole. We continued banging for maybe a week at which point I told her exclusive wouldn't work. She then started seeing the guy who was "such a creep/so weird" for a few weeks, until he moved on too. I saw her at a party recently and she was desperately trying to get me to go to her house, even though I know she's talked shit about me too since last hooking up.

2. A girl I've been into has been hitting me up all summer, multiple times per week, and I have yet to hit her up once. We used to hook up but haven't in a few months because of summer and not being able to get her alone. But when she texts/calls there is constant flirting about it as if it will and can happen again at any time. Me and my 2 friends meet her and a friend at the beach a few days ago and finally when everyone else leaves I'm alone with her and she comes to walk with me. She leaves after a minute because of a call from her family for dinner reservations. Later that night she texts me apologizing for having to leave and thanking me for coming. Then I find out from one of my friends that she texted my other friend: "(friends name), why did you leave me along with (my name) he wanted alone time haha" or close to that. I saw that and thought wtf?

These are just 2 recent examples but it seems to be the case a lot (not with me specifically, but just in interactions I see at college all the time). Its very frustrating to me, the girl in the 2nd example hit me up twice yesterday and called, which I ignored. So here I am being "chased" by her, ignoring her, but then she tells people I'm trying to get alone with her as if its this terrible thing. I feel like a lot of girls say things like this, maybe to save face or something? Part of me still wants to get with them, but another part of me wants to say fuck off.

What do you guys do?

JimmieRustler
07-20-2012, 12:50 PM
Wow, im literally in the same situation as your second example. Hopefully we can get advice here.

I would judge by actions not her words.

Love Monkey
07-20-2012, 01:01 PM
Simple, she has to throw up the anti slut defense around her friends. She could feel insecure and is setting up the frame that she does not really want you. Women can be cowards when it comes to social pressure.

David91613
07-20-2012, 02:20 PM
I know the 2nd girl in particular is annoyingly constantly concerned about her reputation, so I guess part of it could be that but still, its one thing to maybe deny something happening, but to go out of your way to text my friend saying "why would you leave me alone", wtf lol. I could maybe see it in her eyes as it being obvious that once they left we would be alone together so she wanted to squash any rumors before they could get around but regardless its frustrating as hell. I'm tempted to just ignore her and other girls who do this but at the same time I know that will not get me the desired result. She's also in a sorority so calling her out could hurt me with her friends down the line too.

So do you just go on as if it was never said and keep trying to get with the girl? In this example this girl lives 90min away and is annoyingly difficult to make plans with, so I was strongly considering taking one of the times when she has me on the phone for 1-2 hours and driving to her house as a "surprise" (thats basically how I always got with her back during school, just randomly coming to her dorm) but after seeing that text I'm not sure I'd even want to waste the time.

Birthday
07-20-2012, 03:09 PM
With some people everything they say is to manipulate you into a position they want.

David91613
07-20-2012, 04:08 PM
With some people everything they say is to manipulate you into a position they want.

I think a lot of girls aren't smart enough for this :D

but really, do you think that would even apply in these cases or that the girls are just looking out for their reps or something?

David91613
07-20-2012, 04:27 PM
Also in general do you feel like there is a benefit to calling them out on it, or does that just seem too reactive?

Love Monkey
07-20-2012, 04:53 PM
Don't surprise, make your own plans and invite her. Don't call out, if you don't like her behavior just leave her alone. The only time I call someone out is if they continue being a pain when I'm trying to back away.

xbman13
07-20-2012, 05:56 PM
Straight-up honesty, take it or leave it:

Around a guy I like, I make it sound like every guy who might be a competitor has some "fatal flaw." This is bullshit. If I thought that poorly of every other guy I'd have no dating history.

Every time your girl is bagging on another guy, take it with a grain of salt. It's not to say she doesn't feel that way, but you are getting her "I want you to like me" bias. Stick any guy in front of me long enough, I will try to impress him because I want to be liked. It's not intended to be deceptive, it's just how people are. We exaggerate slightly to persuade (sometimes to convince ourselves of something, too).

I will make it sound like I have zero interest in anyone else in the male race when I'm really into a guy. That's if things go well... but hey, if he craps out on me, all bets are off. Hell, you guys do it too, don't lie. "My ex was a total crazy bitch, not hot, terrible in bed, blah blah blah." Then when you're single you bang her again.

Around good friends, I either gush, whine, or dismissively joke about my guy-of-interest/boyfriend. Three categories. That's pretty much it.

"Oh my god he took me to the most amazing place, he's so hot, such a good kisser, everything is good good good."
OR
"Ugh why is he such a dick to me, I don't deserve this, what a douche, he's probably with some other slutty ass girl right this second, god men are the worst and everything is terrible."
OR
"He's probably off playing videogames or having a circle jerk with his boyfriend...I dunno, haha."

David91613
07-20-2012, 08:39 PM
Don't surprise, make your own plans and invite her. Don't call out, if you don't like her behavior just leave her alone. The only time I call someone out is if they continue being a pain when I'm trying to back away.

Something I have to remind myself....it seems like it would be so satisfying to call her out but I guess that doesn't get me where I want to be.


Straight-up honesty, take it or leave it:

Around a guy I like, I make it sound like every guy who might be a competitor has some "fatal flaw." This is bullshit. If I thought that poorly of every other guy I'd have no dating history.

Every time your girl is bagging on another guy, take it with a grain of salt. It's not to say she doesn't feel that way, but you are getting her "I want you to like me" bias. Stick any guy in front of me long enough, I will try to impress him because I want to be liked. It's not intended to be deceptive, it's just how people are. We exaggerate slightly to persuade (sometimes to convince ourselves of something, too).

I will make it sound like I have zero interest in anyone else in the male race when I'm really into a guy. That's if things go well... but hey, if he craps out on me, all bets are off. Hell, you guys do it too, don't lie. "My ex was a total crazy bitch, not hot, terrible in bed, blah blah blah." Then when you're single you bang her again.

Around good friends, I either gush, whine, or dismissively joke about my guy-of-interest/boyfriend. Three categories. That's pretty much it.

"Oh my god he took me to the most amazing place, he's so hot, such a good kisser, everything is good good good."
OR
"Ugh why is he such a dick to me, I don't deserve this, what a douche, he's probably with some other slutty ass girl right this second, god men are the worst and everything is terrible."
OR
"He's probably off playing videogames or having a circle jerk with his boyfriend...I dunno, haha."

Great post, thanks for the insight. What you said regarding the first part (guys you're into) makes a lot of sense to me and is something I think a lot us know intuitively. We tell girls other girls are weird even if we would get with them (I can think of numerous examples where I've done this) and girls apparently talk shit on other guys they later get with.

Do you think this applies if the girl is saying she's not interested in one guy, to another guy she's not into? Like in my example, the friend she texted "why did you leave me alone with (my name), he wanted alone time haha", she has told me multiple times that she didn't get why her friend was into him because she thinks he's unattractive. Also while we hooked up throughout the semester she used to talk shit about a guy I knew she was really into (but she didn't know I knew) as well lol. Just a mindfuck really.

driedfruit
07-21-2012, 12:06 PM
Like xbman said, everyone talks shit, especially about past lovers.

If you aren't with that person now then something obviously went wrong. It was either you or them, so naturally we will say something bad about them. Few people will say something like, "I was too controlling," even if that were the case. We are all egotistic creatures; we like to think of ourselves in a positive light. I try to never say anything bad and just say "Things didn't work out. It's complicated" and whenever someone probes for more info I repeat "It's complicated" over and over again.

But in terms of the scenarios here I agree with Love Monkey about the anti-slut shield. It's annoying to hear about how I'm a jerk/creep from girls because their friend that I hooked up with says that about me. I wish girls didn't kiss&tell about everything.

David91613
07-21-2012, 12:18 PM
Like xbman said, everyone talks shit, especially about past lovers.

If you aren't with that person now then something obviously went wrong. It was either you or them, so naturally we will say something bad about them. Few people will say something like, "I was too controlling," even if that were the case. We are all egotistic creatures; we like to think of ourselves in a positive light. I try to never say anything bad and just say "Things didn't work out. It's complicated" and whenever someone probes for more info I repeat "It's complicated" over and over again.

But in terms of the scenarios here I agree with Love Monkey about the anti-slut shield. It's annoying to hear about how I'm a jerk/creep from girls because their friend that I hooked up with says that about me. I wish girls didn't kiss&tell about everything.

For sure. It's actually funny, these girls are on opposite sides of the spectrum. Most girls will tell a friend or 2 and it's a normal thing. But here, the first girl was weird about it and starting telling everyone about "us" and that we we're together. Which I didn't want because I'm in a fraternity and she's in a sorority so it screwed me a little bit with other sorority girls. The 2nd girl, also a sorority girl, is the complete opposite. She didn't want anyone to know about it. It's actually frustrating to the point where when we're alone she will be so flirty and then when we see each other at a party we barely talk. Hopefully this 2nd girl was just saying that text to avoid looking like a slut but still i don't think that needed to happen. If I was someone who never hooked up with her I could see this, but considering we've hooked up many times it just seems weird how different she can be. Too much investment on my part :\

xbman13
07-21-2012, 01:40 PM
Do you think this applies if the girl is saying she's not interested in one guy, to another guy she's not into? Like in my example, the friend she texted "why did you leave me alone with (my name), he wanted alone time haha", she has told me multiple times that she didn't get why her friend was into him because she thinks he's unattractive. Also while we hooked up throughout the semester she used to talk shit about a guy I knew she was really into (but she didn't know I knew) as well lol. Just a mindfuck really.

Well, hard to say. Sometimes I think girls say stuff like that because they're genuinely just spouting off their stream of consciousness, and it's what they honestly feel. Curiosity, even if it's negative, is still interest. Her wondering what the friend sees in the guy is implicitly questioning her own tastes, i.e., my friend who I consider an equal sees this guy as interesting, what did I miss? That particular comment is probably nbd.

However, I would ALWAYS take ANY judgment of another guy (or person) with a grain of salt. Feelings are complex. I could rag on my mom but I love her. I could bitch about a lot of my friends that I hold dear and if I'm upset with one I usually do. Doesn't mean my bf gets to hate them forever just because I said one negative thing. And I change my mind. A lot. Just take it for what it is, a whole lot of emotional noise. Some girls need to do this almost like flatulence after ethnic food. The only time I would really raise an eyebrow at it is if there is vehement denial that doesn't match reality (conduct=faaaaar more telling).

xbman13
07-21-2012, 02:00 PM
I wish girls didn't kiss&tell about everything.

Lol... good luck with that one. It's less of an issue if you keep to different social circles.

David91613
07-21-2012, 03:30 PM
Well, hard to say. Sometimes I think girls say stuff like that because they're genuinely just spouting off their stream of consciousness, and it's what they honestly feel. Curiosity, even if it's negative, is still interest. Her wondering what the friend sees in the guy is implicitly questioning her own tastes, i.e., my friend who I consider an equal sees this guy as interesting, what did I miss? That particular comment is probably nbd.

However, I would ALWAYS take ANY judgment of another guy (or person) with a grain of salt. Feelings are complex. I could rag on my mom but I love her. I could bitch about a lot of my friends that I hold dear and if I'm upset with one I usually do. Doesn't mean my bf gets to hate them forever just because I said one negative thing. And I change my mind. A lot. Just take it for what it is, a whole lot of emotional noise. Some girls need to do this almost like flatulence after ethnic food. The only time I would really raise an eyebrow at it is if there is vehement denial that doesn't match reality (conduct=faaaaar more telling).

Makes sense, thanks. I've been making myself not text her this whole summer solely for the fact that she's continued to hit me up all summer without me doing so lol so I'll probably continue with that, but if she does keep hitting me up I guess I'll just act like things are normal.

driedfruit
07-23-2012, 12:25 AM
Lol... good luck with that one. It's less of an issue if you keep to different social circles.

I find it ironic that women are so concerned about their image and being a slut, but they tell their friends who they hook up with. Those friends from past experience will obviously tell their friends, who will tell their friends, and so forth.

David91613
07-23-2012, 05:15 AM
I decided that by having some rule that I can or can't text her at some certain time is putting more investment into it than just texting whenever (e.g. the girls I don't care about at all i just text whenever I feel like it, whether it be twice in 2 days or not for 3 weeks) so I just texted her last night. I thought it was funny how I didn't start a single conversation up to this point but whatever. Not bad but definitely not as playful/good as usual. I wonder if its just a temporary thing or I actually turned her off with my other responses/lack there of. Mostly I wanted to get in contact because I might be close by tuesday night and am considering dropping by but idk. At least there's finally a party friday so I can get with someone else lol.