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AppelJr
05-14-2006, 02:51 AM
I really hope somebody will take the time to read and respond to this :-)
http://img84.imageshack.us/img84/7765/anatomy17mb.jpg
Ive read the MM and alot of other stuff, learned alot, but Im still not there. Im not able to start boot camp :-/
Not wanting to leave the comfort zone works like a big wall of 'NO' when it comes to approaching girls. When I look through that feeling I imagine myself using a canned opener and failing. These two things combined are stronger than the idea of detaching yourself from the outcome.
That plus framing and being relaxed and comfortable with yourself does help, it really changed the way girls look at me. But when Im out I bump into the first psychological wall of 'NO'... and, not applying the 3SR, I end up struggling with it inside myself, talking to my friends but not talking to strangers... And thus failing.
I just need some good keys for the problems I havent tackled yet. Its not just fear of rejection, its also fear of discomfort, embarrassment, and awkwardness, because Im not experienced!
About the idea of approaching every stranger for a couple of weeks, well, Im not able to say 'Nice weather, eh?' without feeling like a complete moron, so when I see some stranger Im like 'Oh nvm, I'll approach the next stranger, when Ive actually got something good to say'. Im just opposed to lame talk really :-P But Im trying to change this, trying to say 'hi' with a smile to every stranger. My shyness really is deeply engrained :-/
How come its so easy for some guys to make the revolution from a non-talkative guy to a talkative guy? Im sure some of you guys have started where Im at, so can you please tell me what makes the difference? Did you just turn off any thought in your brain, be totally careless about everything, and just talked...?

chiefofficer
05-14-2006, 03:18 AM
About the idea of approaching every stranger for a couple of weeks, well, Im not able to say 'Nice weather, eh?' without feeling like a complete moron, so when I see some stranger Im like 'Oh nvm, I'll approach the next stranger, when Ive actually got something good to say'. Im just opposed to lame talk really :-P But Im trying to change this, trying to say 'hi' with a smile to every stranger. My shyness really is deeply engrained :-/

Well, I know the problem. But I just make baby steps. A week ago I was in the train and two girls were talking about a store(de media markt for Dutch people). I just engaged in the conversation and they liked it. Yesterday two girls were running towards me, so I said "faster, faster, faster, faster". I got a big smile back.
The problem isn't really that big.
Maybe something like this is easier than a canned opener.
And because you live in the Netherlands, let's destroy our approach anxiety together. You can PM me.
Btw: I also find it hard to say "hi", i prefer to use something which fits in the situation.

AppelJr
05-14-2006, 04:40 AM
The funny thing is, alot of PUA's say ''I wish I didnt struggle for so long to get where Im at now, but that I knew all that I know now''. Well I think it has a reason that goes beyond 'knowing', its the anxiety, an *emotion* and a *belief* that you have to overcome... When youre at the other side youre probably laughing (or maybe crying) over the men that dont 'get it' and dont just 'do it' :P Well, my own experience is that its hard...
My last notable experience with a girl was one where I did ALL THE THINGS WRONG. I wasnt challenging, I was needy, I was insecure, I didnt built comfort, the kiss at the end of the night was a big deal...
I knew this girl for a while, I thought she was cute but definitely not a HB10... I had my eye on her for a couple months but never took fate in hand and approached her. But one day after school I had a whole debate with her and her friends about girls being hypocrits cz they say they want sweet guys but they actually want the jerks, maybe a selfpitious thing to defend, but Im good and debating and this was a challenge for her cz she disagreed with me. I negged her (I didnt even know what that meant at that time btw) by totally not letting her be in the discussion and looking at her strange when she screamed... In retrospect this might have been something where she gained attraction for me, while at that time I thought I had no chance whatsoever.
Anyway, a couple days after that there was a school party and I went nuts on the music, danced without insecurity and making sure the night would be cool. I put myself in the limelight by taking the lead with the dancing and telling everybody to dance... Just a quarter later the same girl approached me and started dancing with me suggestively, and in no time we were kissing like crazy. This was bar none the best experience with a girl I ever had, because before no girl even seemed to notice I was actually a redblooded heterosexual guy... So this was definitely an ego-boost. The next day nonetheless, she immediatly curtailed it by saying 'omg i cant believe that happened'. Buyers remorse, probably...
The next week I was forced by my friends to ask her out, and her friends were telling me she would love it. So I did, and I went out. I had read David DeAngelo's stuff but nonetheless I was mr. nice guy again, and I decided to stay 'myself', because I didnt want to change all of the sudden into a C&F guy because I thought this would not seem credible to her. I bought her a rose, bought her dinner, was nice and a gentleman. All the wrong things. I was also dependant and felt insecure because she hardly gave me any feedback after the fateful party night. We never even 'officially' dated because she 'didnt knew if she wanted a boyfriend'. Anyway, the date we had was a friend-like one, there was hardly any kino between us, and the kiss was awkward. She criticized me doing it afterwards (this kissing at the end of the night had happened before too, when we were out together with friends), and eventually she 'broke up' ON MSN!
She already has had someone else between then and now...