How to clean your Ass 101
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  1. #1

    How to clean your Ass 101

    I know I completely stole this from best of craigslist post but since there is no post about this very important subject on the attraction forums I figured I would spread the knowledge to my friends on here. And before any of you dismiss this I want you all to know that having a smelly ass plagues more men than you think and sadly a lot of us are oblivious as to proper ass cleansing techniques.
    Here is the original post from best of C.L

    Ass cleaning tips

    I have mastered the art of cleaning my stool hall and I want to share it with you losers who simply lather your wash cloth with some soap and do a quick reach around..THAT WILL NOT CLEAN YOUR ASS!!!! You need to spend at least 5 minutes in that area to have maximun cleanage. How would you feel if you were a girl/guy and while you were licking some guys sausage you get a nice whiff of some anal grease and dingleberries from a soft textured turd that required about 12 wipes in the public restroom? You think it's clean but it is NOT!!! Here are some tips:

    Tip 1: After dropping the fecal children off at the pool, you can either use some babywipes (my personal favorite) or you can use a technique I learned from an ex-girlfriend of mine, you wet the toilet paper and proceed to wipe front-to-back, NOT back-to-front. You risk sliding some of the grease beneath your ball sack which creates another problem. This only applies to those who do not get what is called a perfect excrement session aka.."A Clean Break" to where the ca-ca breaks off completely and all you have to do is wipe the water off your gluteus after the initial plop.

    Tip 2: Shave the hair off around your rectal, nuts and butt crack. This is just common knowledge, if you dont you risk piling up a weeks worth of dingleberries and in rare occasions, creation of shit dreadlocks to where the ca-ca firmly laminates itself to the ass hair and it twists together as you walk. This is more likely to happen to those who wear boxers because of the free "airflow" and those who dont shower often because you give the poop time to dry up like cement.

    Tip 3: Jump into a public pool or spa. This is just as effective as a shower or even better because you get maximum "soakage" and it requires less work such and combats lazy reach arounds in the shower. Believe it or not, that is the only useful purpose for public pools, I think of them as gigantic bathtubs that goggle up loose ass hairs, dingleberries and makes a great place to take a quick pee. If I find myself in that situation, I just jump in the pool on one end, pee then swim to the other end, do a couple quick 360's under water then jump out the shallow side and dry off.

    Tip 4: Go to the beach and be a good samaritan, jump into the ocean and "feed the fish", fish LOVE dung, I have 2 goldfish and they are always sucking eachothers doo-doo holes. Get a nice, salty ass treatment. For those of you who gets bumps after shaving your pubes or ass, this is a great to dry those up. Just simply go out past the waves a bit, however, dont be too obvious if you are going to release some bait into the ocean. Flop around a bit, move around because if you sit still people will become suspicious and besides the poop might float up to the surface quickly. Fish will love you for it!

    Tip 5: Woman love to get manicures and pedicures, I call this the "assicure" It has a meaningful name Ass I Cure, it's self explanitory..yes, it is up to you to cure that hideous ass smell and here is how you do it in the shower. Pamper yourself, get the water luke warm and try to get the shower nozzle to propel the water quickly. Begin by turning in the opposite direction of the shower, about 180 degrees to where the nozzle in shooting directly down your ass crack. Position yourself at a 90 degree angle, butt up nice and high, reach around and spread your butt cheeks and let the water do its magic. The object is to really clean out the crevices of your brown eye, wedged up about a 1/4 inch of the butthole is some fecal matter that masks itself like a bat in a cave. This will allow the water to loosen it up for the wash cloth lathering. The next step is to lather your wash cloth with some bodywash or soap bar. Reach around and scrub it good, go ahead and wrap the towel around a finger of choice (i use my middle finger) and put that finger up your asshole and move it around in a circular motion. Go ahead and scrub nice and good up the butt crack to make sure you get all the grease. After you are done, rinse well then repeat step 1.

    ADDITIONAL NOTE: Putting your finger in your ass doesnt make you gay, it might burn a bit. For those guys who insist on having anal sex with their girlfriends all the time, if you think one finger hurts, go ahead and use two fingers and see how it feels. It feels like a massive shit you take in the morning after a night of drinking and eating the 4 slices of jalepeno pepper pizza.

  2. Find a public pool ? The beach? WTF?

  3. #3

    Success Stories
    Please read some of them now.

    " I would like to thank you for your ass cleaning tips, it has changed my life. My g/f is giving me head all day and night"

    "Wow, my ass has never been cleaner. I feel more confident and got my dream job"

    "I love to feed the fish, thanks ass used to be filled with pimples and anal grease but now my ass is as smooth as a babies bottom, I feel like a kid again, thanks"

    " I used to mask my ass smell with cologne and other junk, I have tried so many other techniques but yours is by far the best. I am now engaged to a playboy model"

    Siskel & Roeper give it "Two middle fingers up"

  4. #4
    Join Date
    Jun 2008
    South Texas.. REALLY south TEXAS

    a good fiber (like metamucil and fiber bran cereals.. bran buds are just fucking incredible) will give you clean breaks all the time.

    You'll only need to wipe once or twice and you will be squeaky clean.. Not to mention you will drop logs into the toilet the size of light posts which you can then capture on your camera phone and send them to all your friends to enjoy..

    "Look, it came out in a shape of a "T" T is for turd!! "

    I personally like to wipe 2 times with toilet paper.. Once with baby wipes.. and then 2 more times with toilet paper to dry off.

  5. #5
    Join Date
    Oct 2008
    I know where you live...

    I have to wipe for about 5-10 minutes....

    Takes me ages to do a shit!
    When I am writing in red, it's as an Attraction Forums mod or admin. When I write in normal text, it's just me.

  6. #6
    DudeBroMatt Guest

    Ok, so this is some goofy shit. Here's something practical.

    When your dropping off a load in the middle of the day at work or a public restroom, grab a few paper towels and wet them before heading into the stall. When your finished simply wipe once with toilet paper then get a good wipe with the damp paper towels. This process will not work with damp toilet paper. Even the hard as sandpaper cheap toilet paper found in most rest rooms will fall apart when wet, possibly giving your the dreaded paper dingle berries.

  7. #7

    lol, this is the gayest/funniest thread ever. Proper ass cleaning techniques? This has never crossed my mind...

  8. I use these Cottonelle Flushable Moist Wipes at home. Say goodbye to skid marks, fellas.

    Cottonelle Fresh Flushable Moist Wipes

  9. #9

    who the hell wipes their ass back to front???

    shaving your ass hairs in the crack is bad too, because skin on skin will create irritation and you'll have a terrible time trying to scratch it. Theres hair there for a reason

  10. #10

    I tried your method, but my mom walked in while I was in the tub with my goldfish. It was kind of awkward, because my mom usually likes to wipe for me. Oh, and have you had any luck with the new electric toothbrush/sink cleaner weekly super-clean? My brother in law swears by it, but I noticed he only has one toothbrush and that is kind of gross in my book - although his starfish is quite impressive!

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