Says "she doesn't know what she wants"
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  1. #1
    Join Date
    Apr 2006
    Park Slope Brooklyn, NYC

    Says "she doesn't know what she wants"

    So here's the deal:

    I've been involved with this girl since December. We were both in relationships we were unhappy with. Things got so hot between us she said she wanted to leave her bf and be with me. Well in April I broke up with my gf, thinking we would be together. After a couple weeks of not seeing her (due to her busy schedule) she broke that all of a sudden she "doesn't know what she wants."

    Apparently since her and her bf went on a break things have gotten better with him. Plus now she has more of a social life and has been going out with her single gf's, and she confessed part of her was thinking about being single so she could enjoy it. She said she was still crazy about me and wanted to see more of me to try and help, but she's been so damn busy that I haven't seen her in weeks and I'm afraid she's already let me go and lost interest.

    She's basically considering 3 options: 1) get back with bf, whose a douche bag btw 2) dump him and me and be single 3) Get with me. I know I'm in jeopardy and need to be sharp, cause I want this girl as my gf bigtime. But I can't afford to be clingy or paranoid cause that'll just sabotage it all.

    Does anybody have any advice on what I can do to help my chances (if she hasn't already let me go that is) of getting her back to wanting to be my gf? Or at least what not to do so I don't screw this up worse?

  2. "she doesn't know what she wants"...

    ...but she does know that she doesn't want you. That's always the unspoken completion of that sentence.

    Any move you make will be from a place of needy desperation. Just stop contact with her and move forward with your life with another girl who is crazy about you. Come on, man - don't you deserve better treatment? You might be heavily into her, but she's not going to reciprocate nor feel regret until she plays the field for a while and then realizes how many douchebags there are out there. Dump her, and feel empowered.

  3. #3

    Indecision is a decision in itself. Remember that.

    Tell her that you are in it for the long haul and to let her know when she gets her shit together. Then remind her that you arent going to be waiting around for her either and that you are a catch....not ord for word but you get the idea. Then drop contact. Shes not stable enough to to be trying to relationship up with. trust me. i know more than you think :P

  4. #4

    Relationships that start when one (or in your case, both!) parties are already in relationships get off to a very bad start. People find it difficult to trust someone they know has cheated on their previous partner (even if that cheating is with you). There's also the 'I can't/won't leave him' scenario which you a several other recent posters have found themselves in.

    It's the typical story of the woman who sleeps with a married man, he strings her along for years but never leaves his wife, she puts up with it because she clings to this hope that one day he'll leave the wife... it never happens.

    BigDuke's right, when she says she doesn't know what she wants, the implied clause is that whatever it is, it's not you. She might not realize that herself yet, but don't keep waiting around to find out. Every moment you spend with her accepting that she's with someone else, you lose value. I'm serious here: you're allowing yourself to be her bit on the side, happy to accept second place. Also, she hasn't 'not yet decided' what to do, she's making a decision every day to still be with her boyfriend. It's not even indecision (as dallsbeep said) - if she really wanted to leave him, she could do it. She chooses to stay with him. That's a choice that she is making.

    My advice? Tell her you'd like to be with her but you're not putting up with this shit any longer. You'd love to hear from her when she's sorted things out but until then you're not prepared to keep being second best in her life.

  5. If it were a guy saying "I don't know what I want" it often means "I want to bang a lot of girls, not be with one." I'm not sure that women think quite the same way in terms of numbers.

    You do need to go on as if nothing's been lost here. You definitely need to game other girls. You might end up pulling your target eventually. Don't be shy about casually letting her know how much fun you're having, especially if it's great shit like texting her from vacation like "you should see the sun set through the palm trees." Just every so often. No reply expected. Just teasing.

  6. #6

    She might have been more attracted to you because you did have a gf and were in the same situation she was.

    As far as her "douche" bf... there's two sides to the story. She's going to say the worst things about him to you to validate cheating on him. Maybe he had cheated, maybe he hadn't. She got back together with him, but still wants to see you? Take it as a compliment but turn it down. She chose to go back to him and still wants her options. The good thing is that you ended the relationship, and don't have to worry about doing anything behind a gfs back anymore.

    Also, if you criticize the bf, she's usually going to defend him.... so keep comments to yourself or be neutral about it.

    My take in "I don't know what I want" is that she wants options. She might want you, but she knows you're a cheater, she's a cheater, too. She's going to be worried that you'll do it later, she's worried that she might do the same thing to you later.

    If this was me, as soon as she went back to her bf, it's over as far as I'm concerned. She can call me, she can let me know when she's not with him anymore, but as far as seeing me on the side, screw that.

    But DON'T blame her for your breakup. You chose to end the relationship. And don't go back to that,either, unless you really did take it for granted. But there was something missing for you to see what else was out there.

    Enjoy your freedom - there's no one to hide secrets from, you're not second choice or something on the side. Now go do better. Find better. You'll be better.

    She might wind up marrying this guy, or keep going off again on again because he keeps taking her back no matter what she did, and gets whatever she wants from him.

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