Help me not hurt an amazing girl

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  1. #1

    Help me not hurt an amazing girl

    I'm really reaching for help here. If I play this wrong, a phenomenal girl is going to get needlessly hurt, and this is the absolute last thing I ever want to see happen. I need to make this go as smoothly as possible. Apologies for the extensive length -- I don't have the answers for this and I'm running out of time...

    ---

    I've been spending a good bit of time with a wonderful woman I started being close with about six months ago. The issue of boyfriend/girlfriend has come up a few times, but we both end up kind of laughing at it. We've joked that I refer to her as my girlfriend simply because it's more convenient than explaining the intracicies of our situation to others, as frankly, it's none of their business. We've fallen into a fairly traditional relationship pattern, but I've brought up her seeing other men and me seeing other women before without a whole lot of resistance. I've even encouraged her, saying "yes, go, experience other people! have fun!", but she's never been the type to be sexually promiscious. Here's where things get interesting.

    She's 23, very bright, good looking, and a virgin. At first I thought it had to do with religious beliefs, and to a point, it did. Now I feel her tune has changed a bit, and it's more related to "I've kept it this long, I can keep it a bit longer." We fool around plenty, but needless to say, haven't actually had sex. Sometimes I find this extremely frustrating, but I've also learned that you can do a surprising amount of things that involve orgasms without penetration. Anyway, I digress...

    And please, no comments about "why haven't you fucked her yet" -- I respect her enough to not press her into doing something she's not ready to, and at this point, us fucking would certainly be a Very Big Thing for her. Before you ask, no, this is not the first girl I've been with, and I'm not some high-school senior with weak knees about the cute girl in Biology -- the backstory on my ex comes later. However, the vast majority of her experience between the sheets has been solely with me, and I'm not about to rush her first time just for the sake of getting my rocks off. That said...

    A little over a week ago, I dropped her off at the airport so she could spend the holidays home with her family on the west coast. From texting her and calling her on xmas, it sounds like she's been having a good time. Things got interesting before; here's where they get complicated.

    A few days ago, I was downtown by myself and ran into an ex-good-friend of my ex, who I've known for almost ten years. We grab a drink together at the bar and catch up on idle events; turns out she's here alone too. Honestly, at this point, I had no idea anything was going to happen. As the night goes on, we end up getting a bit closer, then closer still. Drinks and dancing will do that to you. You can probably guess where this is going. I got to sleep sometime around 7am.

    Now, some quick backstory on my ex: We dated for almost five years, and technically "broke up" about two years ago. At that point our relationship had been reduced to shreds, but since then we have both (usually) been working toward at least being friends. Usually we get along on fairly good terms, but there's certainly a lot of outstanding issues that will never be resolved. We can at least appear together in public and act civil the vast majority of the time. Anyway...

    The next afternoon I had agreed to go to a party with a bunch of mutual friends, including my ex. As we're at the store getting various snacky goodness for the festivities, she gets a quizzical look on her face, reaches up, and pulls my collar down about an inch exposing a bit of a hicky that I didn't really notice the night before. "Where did you get this? It wasn't from your girlfriend"... Caught a bit off guard, I tell her that I was well aware of that, and that it wasn't any of her business -- that was between me and her. The thought had already occured to me that I had been "less than faithful", but I had (and have) every intention of telling her what happened once she gets back. I had told her from the beginning of our relationship that I would always be 100% straight with her, and to this day I've never wavered from that. I have been honest at every step of the way, and I have no desire to stop now.

    So, that awkward conversation comes to a rather gruff close, as we're in the checkout line when it happens. I quickly jump topics and strike up a quick conversation with another person we were traveling with, at least socially smoothing the situation but fully realizing that my ex is none to happy about this. Whatever. Can't deal with it now, so it'll have to wait until later. The party goes off without a hitch, other than a few attempts from my ex trying to get me to reveal the source of the hicky. I provide her with no information.

    The next day I see my girl has updated her status on Facebook to "[name] is on the precipice..." which doesn't really sound all that good. I send her a text asking if she's OK, but don't get a response. At this point, I'm not too worried, as she can be really forgetful with her phone. She's also on vacation, and I don't really want to bug her or seem too clingy. The following day I get a message around noon saying "[me], I really need to you leave me alone right now." -- at this point I'm not sure what to make of that, but if she wants me to leave her alone, I'll leave her alone. I figure something is up, but I'm going to wait for her to contact me.

    Today I get a text asking what I'm doing. I reply, and then follow up with "are you okay? I'm getting some strange vibes". Rather than type out the "I said, then she said", I'll just do a quick transcript:

    HER: Not really. But I'm going to be home in a few days.
    ME: What happened?
    HER: I'll just talk to you when I get back, alright?
    ME: Okay, you still coming back on XYZ? Need a ride from the airport?
    HER: Yes, and no, I have a ride but thank you for offering.
    ME: I don't like this whole uncertainty and not-knowing-whats-going-on thing. I don't like being worried about people I care deeply about. Will you give me a call?
    HER: Then you're feeling what I feel. I'm with my family now. I'll talk to you when I get home.

    During part of this conversation, I had been talking with her roommate, asking if she knew what was going on. Apparently all she found out was that "[name] is just really confused about the two of you right now". Not like her to hold back from her roommate -- they're best buds.

    Anyway, this is pretty ice cold, especially from her. I wish I could stop jumping to conclusions, but the dissent with my ex, the timing, the hostility... I just can't shake the feeling that my ex actually contacted her and told her that I'd cheated. I can't see it making sense any other way.

    Now, I've always ascribed to the notion that it's not the act that's cheating. It's lying about it. If you're being completely honest with the other person, who's being cheated? I know I didn't consult her beforehand on if I should go home with the girl I did, but that happened, and now I want to deal with it.

    She's back in a few days. Regardless of if my ex told her or not, I'm still going to. I know she's going to have a lot of fears and concerns; she's going to feel hurt and it's going to suck, but I need to let her know that I still care very deeply for her, and that what happened was not only isolated, but guaranteed not to go anywhere. I want her to know that she doesn't have to feel competitive, inferior, or unloved. I need to convey that she's got nothing to worry about. I don't want to hurt her... but how?

    Hell of a first post, eh? Thanks for sticking with it.



  2. I went out on a breakfast date with a chick while I had hickeys on my neck from another girl. I wore a mock turtleneck, but it must not have covered enough. This girl went cold fast - "Okay, nice meeting you, I gotta go". Sucked at the moment, especially since this chick was hott - a young Marisa Tomei. Now, I laugh about it. Remember the life equation: Tragedy + Time = Comedy.

    Hey, you might have blown it. Happens to all of us. Sometimes things don't turn out the way you want. Chuck it up to life experience. I know that's not comforting. See if there's any damage control you can do after the New Year with the girl you like. If not, well...what are ya gonna do? (said with a New York accent).

    If you do have to confront the situation, I wouldn't plead or cajole or act guilty. It'll be less attractive if you skulk around. Admit to getting a drunken kiss from some psycho girl who thought she was a vampire, avoid admitting you shagged her.

  3. #3
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    Whoah whoah whoah BigDuke...I don't see the reason to just "Chalk it up to life experience" just yet. This is a learning experience.

    The worst part about having a friend with benefits or a girlfriend who isn't exclusive of whatever the heck you and that girl are to one another is the fact that at one point one of you is going to develop feelings for the other one. The worst about the worst part is that the person that developed the feelings for the other person isn't likely to let the other person know. In this case I think she has a lot of feelings for you...all this time calling her your girlfriend...well she probably feels really good when you say that to other people...and feels really bad when you say to her "well you know we aren't boyfriend and girlfriend...right?" and she has to actually admit the fact that no, you two aren't bf and gf.

    When you tell her what happened (regardless of whether Cockblocking EX told her anything or not) She will hate you for a few days because of the fact that she has feelings for you. The best way to go about getting her over the emotion of hating you is to show the remorse that I know you have...be EXTREMELY remorseful. OVERLY remorseful even. Let her know that you had NO INTENTIONS of doing anything...it was one of those "well one thing led to another and the rest is history" sort of things. I can tell you have some type of feelings for her too. You are comfortable calling her your girlfriend...you do not want to hurt her...you want to keep her and you called her a "wonderful woman".

    I think you need to re-examine your feelings for this girl. You need to decide if you want to take it to the next level and transition into a LTR.

    Good luck and if I can help more just PM me.

    Xadus

  4. #4

    Quote Originally Posted by BigDuke6 View Post
    If you do have to confront the situation, I wouldn't plead or cajole or act guilty. It'll be less attractive if you skulk around. Admit to getting a drunken kiss from some psycho girl who thought she was a vampire, avoid admitting you shagged her.
    I'm not going to avoid admitting that -- I just can't do that in good conscience. I told her I would be totally honest with her, and I'm going to be. I would expect the same in return.


    Quote Originally Posted by Xadus View Post
    When you tell her what happened (regardless of whether Cockblocking EX told her anything or not) She will hate you for a few days because of the fact that she has feelings for you. The best way to go about getting her over the emotion of hating you is to show the remorse that I know you have...be EXTREMELY remorseful. OVERLY remorseful even. Let her know that you had NO INTENTIONS of doing anything...it was one of those "well one thing led to another and the rest is history" sort of things. I can tell you have some type of feelings for her too. You are comfortable calling her your girlfriend...you do not want to hurt her...you want to keep her and you called her a "wonderful woman".

    I think you need to re-examine your feelings for this girl. You need to decide if you want to take it to the next level and transition into a LTR.
    Thanks for the words of wisdom, both of you. I'm sure this situation will already be forcing both of us to re-evaluate the situation, and I'm hoping it brings up honest discussion as to where we both want it to go. I'm not sure I'm ready for a dedicated LTR, nor do I think that she totally is. Guess I'll find out soon, huh?

    How do I show her that my feelings for her haven't changed at all, while at the same time not saying "what I did was wrong"? Honestly, I don't feel it was. Near as I can tell, the only reason she's hurt right now is that my goddamn ex was the one to tell her and I'm sure I was painted as a monster. Given that my ex knows less than shit about the situation (all she knows is that I had a hicky), I can guarantee that whatever information she was given was inaccurate at best, and she's got no direct way (phone and text don't really count here) to resolve her thoughts and feelings with me. I should be the one to tell her, and I don't need to ruin her vacation by telling her before she gets back so she's got no way to deal with it and is thinking about it each day until then.

    As I mentioned, I have brought up to her before that I'm at least mildly interested in other people. Why does this have to come at the expense of my feelings for her?

  5. Xadus - I hope I'm wrong. Who wants to see a fellow in a bind? Maybe it will work out.

    There are a few things that make it complicated:

    1) She's a virgin at 23, so she's been waiting for "the special guy". No doubt that guy was/is going to be Darknet.

    2) Her finding out about Darknet's transgressions destroys the idealized image that she projected onto him.

    3) The dynamics of the relationship will be changed in some manner now that the trust has been broken.

    So Darknet has two options:

    1) Admit to being a naughty boy (blame it on the booze) and hope she'll eventually forgive him.

    2) Deny, deny, deny and hope she doesn't out him as a liar.

    Yuck.

    How do I show her that my feelings for her haven't changed at all, while at the same time not saying "what I did was wrong"? Honestly, I don't feel it was

    She's got an idealized image of you, and your actions shattered that fantasy for her. You've become a mortal. There's a lot going on in the mind of a 23 year old female virgin. You're not going to convince her that what you did was OK, even if it was.

    As I mentioned, I have brought up to her before that I'm at least mildly interested in other people. Why does this have to come at the expense of my feelings for her?

    The same reason why fuck buddies rarely last long - the girl eventually gets emotionally involved. You can be all casual about things but girls can't separate the actions from the feelings. Your acting on the opportunity you had with another girl makes it very real to her that you are interested in other people.

  6. #6

    Quote Originally Posted by BigDuke6 View Post
    So Darknet has two options:

    1) Admit to being a naughty boy (blame it on the booze) and hope she'll eventually forgive him.
    2) Deny, deny, deny and hope she doesn't out him as a liar.
    I'm not going to lie to her, so option two is out the window. As much as that limits my choices, my primary goal in this is to limit the amount of hurt she's feeling. Forgiveness can come later; I want her to get back on her feet emotionally as soon as possible.

    Quote Originally Posted by BigDuke6 View Post
    As I mentioned, I have brought up to her before that I'm at least mildly interested in other people. Why does this have to come at the expense of my feelings for her?
    None of that is real to her until you acted on it.
    How can I show her I still care about her deeply without coming off as a crass douchebag for not being overly remorseful? I know the logical part of my mind is saying that what happened between me and the other girl had nothing to do with her, but there's zero chance she'll see it that way. Any insight?

  7. How can I show her I still care about her deeply without coming off as a crass douchebag for not being overly remorseful? I know the logical part of my mind is saying that what happened between me and the other girl had nothing to do with her, but there's zero chance she'll see it that way. Any insight?

    Trust is a difficult thing to rebuild. It's like breaking your leg. You eventually get the cast taken off and you start walking on it, but it takes a while before you really trust putting your weight on it. An icy parking lot makes you more nervous than it once did. It might heal perfectly, but it still isn't quite the same.

    You can tell her that you didn't realize how special she was until the deep guilt and remorse you felt the next day.

  8. #8
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    Ah. The situation boils down to this I think: They both have deep feelings for each other. Darknet (if everything you have said is true) actually did do NOTHING wrong. The situation comes from the fact that you were supposed to know what HBoriginal thought/felt for you without her expressing it. A question I have is: Have you slept with other girls before this one? If so how did she take it then and how long ago was it? A deciding factor in the outcome of this is if your feelings for her will be genuine when you tell her. The thing that sucks is in what order you will explain this...you can do it one of a million ways:

    Option one: I really like you...We have talked about being non-exclusive before...I have messed around with this other chick..I feel bad about it because I really like you...

    Option two: I feel really bad about what I did...I really like you...We have talked about being non-exclusive before.

    Options three-1,000,000: I like you...what more do you want?

    In all of those options you see how you have to tell her very close to the beginning of the conversation that you like her...I feel that if you take option two you will be best off. You start by revealing the evil. Then you dampen the evil by assuring her you Feel bad because of the feelings you have for her (DO NOT MENTION THAT YOU DON'T FEEL IT WAS WRONG!!!). Then you make her a little mad by reminding her about the whole non-exclusivity clause you had in the agreement between you two. Then you show more remorse. I think it will work out...she may not even be stressing on what you think she is stressing out about. Who knows for sure until she says those dreaded words "we need to talk" And that reminds me...you need to go into it with a nonchalant attitude. but still show remorse. That will be hard to do...Practice it. Because it is just like sarging...if you go in there with a bad attitude they will pick up on it and it will be harder for you to pick them up. BUT if you go in there with a positive attitude and emitting good vibes they will pick up on it and it will be easier.

    Xadus

  9. #9

    Good ideas so far, but I'd add that you should probably stay away from your ex. I suspect that she let the cat out of the bag before you were ready.


    Silver

  10. #10
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    "Tragedy + Time = Comedy. "

    Right on!

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