Approach Anxiety
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  1. #1
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    Approach Anxiety

    Had an awesome time in Vegas. Got into an Approach Anxiety with a fellow lounge member. Thought the rest of you might like to hear it. And for the record, we all get Approach Anxiety. There's no silver bullet. The more you get over it, the easier it gets. But it's still there.
    Quote Originally Posted by power
    it was sunday morning 4am, i guess. Cedar was fighting with tipsiness at the circle bar. when i told him that i'm still working on approach anxiety, suddenly he gave me a massive and comprehensive seminar about this and also game, like a revelation from somewhere above. it was awesome. after about 15 to 20 min of nonstop information storming, he went back to tipsy mode. thanks man.
    In my defense, that was the strongest Margaritta EVER.
    Anxiety
    Anxiety is a defense mechanism. It exists to protect you from abnormal behaviour. Consider a high steel worker. These guys stand on two foot wide beams hundreds of feet off the ground. They're strapped in, but their body doesn't understand that. The first few weeks are hell.
    After that, it's no big deal. Heights don't bother them. Their body has accepted heights as a feature of the environment. It's normal to THAT person. Buddy of mine worked high steel a decade ago. Said the heights were nothing to him at the time.
    But he's afraid of heights now. Because HIS ENVIRONMENT CHANGED. He doesn't work high steel. He's not SURROUNDED by his anxiety any more. To him, heights are ABNORMAL now, when they were NORMAL a decade ago.
    Approach anxiety is a collection of anxieties. Fear of talking to strangers. Fear of interrupting people. Fear of running out of things to say. Fear of looking dumb (social pressure). And fear of success (a personal favorite).
    Talking to Strangers
    Talking to strangers is the most common. In our hunter/gatherer days, this kind of behaviour could get you killed. We don't live in a tribal society any more, but our bodies doesn't understand that. Our biological programming is from the olden days.
    If you do not talk to new people EVERY DAY, how do you expect to sarge at the bar? You're body will fight you. It will protect you. Unless you acclimate it.
    I picked up a pamphlet on breaking habits on the trip to Vegas. It takes 21 days to form or break a habit. If that's true (and it sounds about right), it takes three weeks to overcome approach anxiety. By talking to strangers EVERYWHERE.
    That means on the bus, at the gas station, line at the coffee shop, airplanes, work, restaurants, etc. Talk to a new person EVERY DAY. Use a stock opener on them. Like maury povich or dental floss.
    Understand that if you STOP being a social creature for any length of time, approach anxiety WILL RETURN.
    If lunch-time street approaches are an option, take a walk on your lunch break and open 3 sets. Open and eject if you're not up to stacking material. This will make bar sarges WAY easier. It'll slowly remove the anxiety of talking to strangers.
    Fear of interrupting people
    Personal Skeleton. We are raised from birth to be polite. To be considerate of other's feelings, opinion and pasttimes. We are a sensitive society. We're also a wussy society. The alpha man DOES take others into consideration. But he doesn't hesitate to give people the gift of his or her reality.
    Why are you worried about interrupting people? Switch places with your target. If you were talking to friends and a supermodel in lingerie interrupted you, would you be pissed? Fuck no. I don't care if I was about to solve world piece.
    Women are ALWAYS receptive to their knight in shining armour. Walk in, be the cool guy, and don't care about their conversation. Hell, tease them about it. After you reach the hook point apologize for interrupting and offer to leave. They'll drag you back.
    These people lead boring lives. They wake up in their boring bed, they drive to a boring job in their boring car and they hang with their boring friends and talk about how bored they are.
    You're not interrupting ANYTHING IMPORTANT. Not at a bar, not on the bus and not in the casino. It's your reality. Everyone else is along for the ride.
    Fear of running out of things to say
    I hear a lot of people saying 'I hate routines, I just want to talk normal.' Here's the thing. You're not getting laid. Why would you talk normal. Use the damn routines until 'normal' to you is 'attractive' to women.
    Routines are normal conversation from someone else. Someone good with women. You're wearing the skin of successful PUAs until you develop your own.
    This is why MM focuses on routines. Memorize stock routines from the MM forum, the lounge and bristol lair. After your newbie mission, rotate in personal DHV stories and field test them. You'll have dozens of things to say.
    And don't worry about forgetting what to say. It continues to amaze me how, out of nowhere, a routine I haven't used in six months drops into my head in set. Listen to your instincts on this one. If you're in set and a routine comes to mind, USE IT.
    Fear of looking dumb
    Tylder Durden refers to this phenomenon as social pressure. Women are more sensitive to this than guys are. Your body is protecting you from being outside of the norm. Being normal and boring is SAFE. Being Alpha is DANGEROUS. You are CONSTANTLY being fucked with. You are CONSTANTLY proving yourself by reacting to shit tests, amogs, cock blocks, etc.
    How do you deal with it? If you're comfortable in your own skin, then you have nothing to fear. So what if your top hat looks funny. You like it. You don't care if anyone else does. Your mindset is apathy. It's your reality.
    Hell, you're trying to figure out why everyone's wearing polo shirts and khakis. Looks ridiculous. Far as you're concerned, they should ALL be wearing top hats. 'Cause then you can wear khakis and stand out.
    Fear of success
    Another personal skeleton. I'm a busy guy. So's my wife. She works part time on weekends and evenings. My son has a martial arts class a few nights a week. If I hit the bar this Thursday and timebridge a girl, I don't have much of a window in which to see her.
    I'm close to closing an LTR for me and the wife. She'll take a chunk of our time. What if I find a second one at the bar? When will I have time for a Day 2 or for anything more long term? Where will I find time for all these girls?
    Easy. DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT. What a lame fucking excuese NOT to approach. I won't talk to a girl because there's a 1% chance she might become my girlfriend? Focus on the process.
    You don't have to timebridge the girl. And even if she's your thing, there's a good chance you'll fuck it up. I've met hundreds of women. And a dozen of those were completely my type. Totally compatible.
    Am I upset I couldn't close them? A little. But I keep finding more. 2000 women turn 21 (or any other age) EVERY DAY in this country. Don't worry about fucking it up with one girl. Focus on learning from that girl so you don't fuck up the next one.
    This kind of anxiety is all about outcome dependance. Don't worry about where the sarge goes. Worry about how well you sarge. Doesn't matter if you get a bullseye on the shooting range once in a while. Make it happen EVERY time.
    Experience
    The best answer I have to Approach Anxiety is to remember all the fun times you had after you ignored it. After a few good sets, you'll think back to your favorite right before you open your first set of the night. And bam, with good memories comes good energy.
    Example. I don't AMOG. Not my style. But my wing pointed out this AFC leaning in on a two set. Girls were turning away. It was over. And then I noticed an empty space between the AFC and one of the girls.
    I took it.
    And talked to the guy. Girls were never more cofused in their life. Chatted up the guy who wasn't sure what I was doing but knew he shouldn't freak out.
    Then I turned and used the patented Cedar opener on the girls. 'Hey.' With a head nod. Her reply? 'espanol?' I about died. I AMOGed a spanish speaking set. I was cracking up. Got a thumb wrestle out of the target, which got her laughing. I coached the guy what he did wrong and watched him number close her two minutes later.
    I'm smiling just thinking about it. And damn straight I'm gonna try and take another set this week. That was too much friggin fun not to do again.
    Same thing with approaches. You have some good sarges and the approach anxiety gets less and less of a barrier. You'll have too many positive memories and emotions tied up with sarging. No way approach anxiety will hold you back.
    Avoidance
    If you don't get over approach anxiety, you'll never overcome A1. Without A1, you can't reach A2. Or C1. Or S-anything, right?
    There's ways around A1. Winging, approach invitation and hot game for examples. These techniques aren't solid game. They're flukes. They work, but they hinder your game. You become reliant on a tactic that opens maybe 3 sets in the bar. You can't open the entire room. Don't use these to circumvent your approach anxiety.
    There might be some validity to using these in an attempt to develop good feelings in sets, but you become dependant on these techniques VERY quickly. Don't fall into that trap. Make your own reality. Conquer this fear and open some fucking sets.
    Party on. And happy hunting.
    Last edited by Cedar; 02-28-2006 at 01:14 PM.


    Assuming you're not a kidney harvester, we can chat in the car. - Cedar

  2. #2

    Cedar, "Make your own reality. Conquer this fear and open some fucking sets."
    There it is! Nothing more to say other than, great advise.
    Bunny

  3. #3

    sometimes i have approach anxiety and this how i deal with it.
    i acknowledge BEFORE i go out in the field that i am the prize and that i couldnt care less what happens because its all practice towards calibration in the field - "i am the exception to the rule"
    then once in the field, and if i feel a sense of anxiety, i just say to myself "i am a pua, and i am the exception to the rule"
    it works wonders for me.
    but very nice post cedar
    regards

  4. Superb post Cedar I had really bad approach anxiety about a week ago but it seems to have disappeared now. I've been opening wherever I can now, even in the cinema (situational).
    Glad to know it's not just the newbs that get a little anxious at times Thanks.

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  15. #5
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    I feel left out of the most awesome party ever *pulls puppydog eyes*
    You meanies!
    Seriously, excellent post, but when are they ever poor? I think there is something I can add though. Remember Cedar you see approach anxiety and analyse it very well as someone who has overcome it. My gift is the gift of empathy, I can almost instantly relate to how someone is feeling in a given situation. The emotion is phenomenal, like launching yourself into red hot magma. Sure you remember it, but time fades any hurt especially if you have overcome it. There are some who need to realise that you will not burn up and die if you have the chance to talk to women via being winged into a set.
    I think so long as there is a rule that someone who is winged in more than twice will open their own set, it can do a lot for a person in one night. Although I agree winging and other devices are temporary and nothing compared to actually approaching.
    Abraham Lincoln reportedly said that, Given eight hours to chop down a tree, he'd spend six sharpening his axe.

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  20. #6
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    Another quality topic and more golden words from Cedar. Does the man even NEED any more rep points?
    Quote Originally Posted by Cedar
    After you reach the hook point apologize for interrupting and offer to leave.
    Cedar, I'm just wondering about this particular point. I'm someone who doesn't apologize for anything out of the blue. I realize you're giving a false time constraint here after the hook point, which is easy for me. However, I think I may be misinterpreting the "apology" part. I can probably deliver it in the most nonchalant natural and indifferent alpha way I can but again I may be misinterpreting what you said here. Let's try this:
    False time constraint: "Hey, I've gotta get back to work/shopping/lunch/whatever..." --- Okay, this is fine. False time constraints are easy enough.
    Apologize for interrupting: "Sorry for interrupting..." --- I presume you're already hooked in, so an apology wouldn't lower your value...?
    Offer to leave: "If you want, I'll get going." --- I'm not 100% sure about the "offering" part, as if it's giving her the choice as to whether I should be leaving or not. But again, I probably need to be clarified on this.
    Thanks in advance.

  21. #7
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    Quote Originally Posted by Cedar
    Women are ALWAYS receptive to their knight in shining armour. Walk in, be the cool guy, and don't care about their conversation. Hell, tease them about it. After you reach the hook point apologize for interrupting and offer to leave. They'll drag you back.
    Good point Hysteria. Let's call it a false apology.
    PUA: 'So here I am leading my boys into an orgy while keeping my girl safe and...wait a sec. Did I interrupt something important? I should leave.' body rock
    HBs: 'We love you PUA!' grab PUA and make out
    Assuming you're not a kidney harvester, we can chat in the car. - Cedar

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  24. #8
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    I just wanted to add one point to this. F the girls you're the prize (this should be your frame at all times, which is why you should be able to do false takeways and even if they become real takeaways who cares?)
    I totally speak from experience and ANYONE who met me in vegas will undoubtedly say I have ZERO approach anxiety. Why? Because I really dont care, if they dont like it f them, their loss, next.
    There is no failure, if they dont like me then I did something wrong and i learn from it.
    Go out, do it, rinse, wash and repeat.
    Last edited by Fader; 03-01-2006 at 01:48 PM.
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  25. #9
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    No lies here

    Quote Originally Posted by fad3r
    ANYONE who met me in Vegas will undoubtedly say I have zero approach anxiety.
    This man is a fearless monster. He does not lie when he tells you he absolutely just does not give a shit. He approached every set in eyesight. In about two hours we had approached literally every set in the Shadow bar in Vegas. No joke in fact a set opened us on the way out by saying verbatim "Do you hit on every girl in the bar?"
    ohh good times huh bro

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  29. #10
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    I normally get over my approach anxiety by simply walking for a bout 10 minutes to the clubs. While I walk to the club I make sure I speak to EVERYONE I walk into and I go into "Good Evening, (Some totally random shit I heard somewhere that is more then useless, and its kinda funny)?" "Have a good night" and walk on and do something similar to the next person men or woman. When I get to the club I feel a lot less troubled when I open a set cause like someone said earlier the more you have it the easier it gets to ignore it. It works for me but any of you pua's on this thread think its the way I should go about it?

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