DHV Story, pick it apart.

What's up,
I'm still fairly new to pick up. Working on the newbie mission but my schedule at work is crazy and I don't get much time to myself. Any way I want to know what you think about my DHV story.
--Start Story
When I was in the the Marine Corps I met a lawyer at the Marine Corps marathon. We hit it off even though she was alittle bit older than I was. So we goto a bar later that night. And It just SO happens that her friends are at the bar but want to goto a house party, it was Halloween after all. So I'm invited automactily. Any way we get back from the party at about 4am and I have to be at work at 5am. So she calls me back the next week and she just sorta became my Sugar Mama! I even went home with her for Thanksgiving and met her parents. Soon as we get there she is like "I'm gonna go take a shower after that long drive." So I was stuck with her parents as soon as I met them. She was in the shower and getting dressed for 2 hours. Well it turns out that I was able to talk to them on just about any subject they brought up. Later she let me know that her Dad told her "I've already talked with him more than all of your other boyfriends (and Ex-husband) put together." I think that is the best complament that I've very gotten.
--End Story
So please let me know what you think. I know it needs some work. I could have added stuff about all the crap she bought me but I wanted to keep it short. By the way that is 100% true. I was thinking that this could be brought up by asking about the oddest "Meet the Parents moment" she's had. Or maybe bring up Thanksgiving since it's that time of the year. But please, pick it apart.