Project Rockstar 2018 Daily Journals

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  1. #1
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    Sterling is offline Certified Love Systems Instructor

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    Project Rockstar 2018 Daily Journals

    Here they are!



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    Day 1, Wednesday 25th July

    Intense first day. Was super nervous as I was checking out of my hotel and getting a cab to head to the house. Once I actually got in my nerves calmed a little bit. The house is awesome and the two in house instructors seemed like cool, laid back guys. I had to wait for a while before the rest of the rockstars got there but it was really a huge relief that we seemed to get along easily once they did get in. I think the chemistry of the group as a whole is good and we’ll all be supporting each other.

    The day got started with introductions by everyone beginning with students followed by alumni and then the core instructors. The stories from the alumni about the fears and challenges they faced was eye opening. At least it made me feel like I wasn’t the only one feeling this way. Each of them and us shared a little snippet of our lives. Andrew’s opening speech was very reassuring. One thing he said that really resonated with me was that the problems and challenges that we were here to solve were widespread, but by their very nature they feel like the problems are unique to us, that our situation is somehow different.

    After the intros we had a break for a bit and then got back together for a debriefing on expectations and rules throughout the program. Finally we had to record our one on one videos with Justin followed by the Circle of Vulnerability. I was nervous about speaking and sharing very openly, but oddly I was looking forward to it since these are issues I haven’t been able to talk about openly with anyone. One of the other rockstars got us off to a good start with a very real talk and things just built up from there. I vented for what seemed like an eternity when it came to my turn. I even found it hard to make eye contact and felt I might break down crying. I shared stuff I had literally not shared with anyone! But speaking about what was really inside me brought some catharsis. I also have to admit that I was surprised by the stories of some of the other rockstars - their extremely cheerful demeanour outside the Circle was clearly masking some very deep wounds. I couldn’t help but feel a deep empathy and kinship with them. We’re all ‘damaged’ in our own unique way, we’re all facing our own inner demons and now we’ve all reached the point where we didn’t want to live that way anymore, which brought us to Rockstar.

    I have to admit there was just a bit of relief that we didn’t have to go out that first night, though we did end past midnight and had to sort out logistics for the next day. Went to sleep past 1 am. Tomorrow’s going to be fun!

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    Day 1, 7/25/2018

    Arrived in vegas today at 6am. Took the greyhound from LA to vegas overnight. I left LA at 12:30am on 7/25, the 1st day of the program.

    Every other Rock star showed up at least a day, if not 2, earlier. To get acclimated and settled in.

    Weeks ago, when i bought my bus ticket, it seemed like the GREATEST idea!

    5 hr overnight bus ride where i'll be able to sleep, arrive early, have breakfast. Maybe sight see a bit, and then meet up at 2pm.

    But, as with most things in life that require a little more special attention care, this did NOT turn out the way i'd imagined.

    First off, i brought two, TWO, large suitcases. It was recommended that we bring only 1 large one. But i have SO many leftover supplements, in addition to a lot of in-house workout and mobility equipment, that i decided to bring all of that along with my recommended supplies.

    I thought "hey, i'm not taking a plane over here. I'm taking a bus. It's super cheap, i can bring a lot more things at such a low price, and if i don't finish any of these supplements, then i can just leave them here for the next group."

    All good and dandy, until you (or I, in this case) realize that i have to lug around ALL of that in 110+degree weather!

    And, with no place to go from about 6am to 10am, while sleep deprived? Well, let's just say I could have done this a lot better.

    You live and you learn, I suppose.

    Best part of the night? The final group session, "The circle of trust".

    Apparently we're going to have 3 of these meetings throughout the program. Really deep stuff shared at this meeting.

    I've been carrying a lot pain from a recent break up and I have just not had an outlet to express these horrible feelings.

    Last night was a start. I've still got a LONG way to go to heal, but last night was a great way begin.

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    I woke up this morning, and it is day one of this journey. The fact that I will not be going into the office today still hasn't set in. Yesterday was surreal as I woke up at 2 am to start packing and get my place ready before I leave. With all the "going" I have been doing. I haven't had the time to stop and reflect. I am pretty calm about what is going to happen. Maybe it is because I don't have much idea what the next few days will hold. So I will work to keep an open mind. To remember the basic principles I want to embody throughout.

    - Be Open to Learn
    - Seek to stay in the uncomfortable

    Before leaving I had to have one final check in with my Supervisor. He pretty much mentioned I would have to go on a performance improvement plan when I get back. He, as usual, was trying to help. But I couldn't help but get upset as this being the final thing discussed as we walk out the door. At this point, I will admit I don't know what the future will hold after Rockstar. The option seems to be to forge ahead at my current job either on this team or to find a better fit for me someplace else within the company. Those are two choices that is the same choice if you take a step back. I realize that I can do better but do I want to. Is this a path, I want to commit to for the rest of my life. I know deep down that I am not fully engaged. I have always been one foot in the door. When I started my job, I essentially told myself that this was for only five years. Five has turned to ten, and now I am at a crossroads.
    The other path for me is to embrace Rockstar fully. To strike out in another way. Choosing to do this program says something. You don't do a lifestyle transformation to go back to where you were. After finishing the fitness journey. I realize that I am not a lazy person. I can follow a path and take the correct action. Let's make sure that "action" is what we consider going forward.

    Meeting the guys was a neat experience. This is going to be fun! I was greeted at the reception by three of the other Rockstars. Hugs ensued. We are a hugging group. Then we ended up going to Ceasars to meet and chat with Yet another Rockstar. A sixth Rockstar finally came over then when a seventh and eighth got in we went to Cabo Wabo for dinner. Not the greatest food. But I was starving from not having eaten.

    Let's see what else is to come today. Stay in this space.

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    July 25th, 2018

    Today was a hectic day. I was in the crew that had to pick up cars and what should have been easy turned into an adventure. I reserved the cars but when we showed up the place didn't have any vehicles. In the end, this caused us to be a little late to our afternoon activity which was shooting guns. I've enjoyed being a "Driver" and getting the car. This is my way to contribute to the group in some way. An internal fear that I held when applying to Rockstar was that I didn't have anything to give. But I am slowly starting to see that just being me is enough.
    Yesterday the alumni, came back to welcome us on the first day. That is really profound. I already want to give back, and I am just starting the program. I will openly admit it was a bit intimidating meeting the alumni. These are guys who have been through what you are about to go through. In a way, they are idols for us. Today, it was better. There was a Q&A session with the alumni. It really helped ease my fears. Getting their insight I feel like it is going to be okay.
    My internal fear at the moment is that in some way this won't work for me. Not that this doesn't work. The proof is in front of us that it does, but that I won't be able to break free of my ego. In my logical mind, I want to go hard. I want to give this my all. But deep down in my gut, I can feel something holding me back. My real challenge will be overcoming that gut feeling.

    Tonight is the first night. The first night with the boys. Let's make this shit the best.

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    Thursday July 26, 2018

    Yesterday we started Project Rockstar. It was pretty crazy to arrive at this mansion and see everyone in the kitchen excited and getting to know each other. Finally seeing and hearing how everyone looked like face-to-face. The group dynamic was a bit loud and scattered as we were trying to make sense of this first meeting, but soon we got together in the “Poker Room” for the initiation and introductions with the instructors and some PR alumni. I hope I’m not wrong, but I could already feel this will be a tight group and that we’ll support each other throughout the summer.

    We finished the night with the vulnerability circle and we started sharing some really deep stuff. It was a bit different from the dynamic in the 10-day, where people took longer and mainly shared childhood problems rooted in experiences with their parents. Here people’s stories were rather short and more focus towards sharing current problems related to the relationships with themselves and what they’re going through right now. For me this was actually nice as during the 10-day my experienced was mainly revolving about uncovering unresolved parent issues and now I feel that area is healed and I’m ready to focus on my problems of the self, on healing my-self. I have been working on since the beginning of this year and the tone that was set last night by the group fits great. We’re here to work through those problems together.

    Today we went to the middle of nowhere in the desert to fire guns. I’d never done it before and it was fucking awesome. Now, after having an awesome chat with the alumni, we’re getting ready to go to a pool party at the encore. We’re going freestyle. No previous formal instruction or goals. Despite my previous feeling of serenity, I can’t help but feeling anxious right now. I’m gonna meditate for 20 mins to calm down. My goal tonight is to have fun and practice outcome independence. Two concepts that were important during the 10-day and that were repeated by the alumni today as advice and golden nuggets. The few times that I have managed to put those two attitudes in practice, good things have happened, so I’ll start with that tonight!

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    Day 0 & 1 - Wed July 25/ Thurs July 26th

    Making this entry first thing Thursday morning around 8 AM while doing a quick jog/ walk. I just didn’t feel like staying in bed and dicking around for another hour or two. And since the gym is not set up yet, I decided to at least do a light jog around the block or two at the house just to boost up my energy a little bit.

    Yeah I thought I start my journaling now and hopefully keep it going by doing them early and consistently either first thing in the morning or first thing before going to bed. I know during the 12 weeks fitness program, I definitely did not journal every day and some of my journals would just a massive last minute dump.

    So yeah I’m overwhelmed with excitement internally and gratefulness. I I guess I’m ready to be surprised with where this program will take us.

    So everybody landed in Vegas either on Tuesday or Wednesday. Everyone we meet a new Rockstar it has been a great moment. A little bit surreal where here is someone that you only know through online videos and blogs. They have just been on a 12 week journey with us and told us about their daily lives and shared with us their struggles: the good and the bad through each of the past 12 weeks. Then you finally get to meet them in person and you feel like you are meeting an old friend that you haven’t seen for a while. More importantly, although you haven’t seen him for a long time, he had stayed in touch and your bond has only grown stronger because they have opened up more and more over time. They have shared many intimate thoughts and feelings with you that has been having similar struggle in fitness. I am just amazing and excited for everyone’s fitness results. This fucking blows my mind. Each person completed the 12 week program and they did it their way. I thought it was really cool to learn from everyone’s perspective and listen to what they learned on along the way.

    So for me, I cherished each moment that we met a new Rockstar. Talk about first impressions. Normally people go right into judgment and kind of try to measure how the other person is with half baked assumptions and guesses. However I think it was nice how project rockstar set set up some of these communications this year where everybody got to know one another through videos and blogs for the 12 weeks. So even if you don’t get to know someone super well, you at least kind of get to feel the other person’s vibe and personality. You slowly develop a sense that we are all similar, dealing with challenges and no one has a perfect life. Basically, I think this allowed all the Rockstars, at least for me, to ignore any false assumptions a person would typically make when they first meet someone and simply focus on the real person that came across from all those videos and blogs.

    So I guess the other moment that I was very excited for and did not disappoint was when everybody showed up at the house. All the Rockstars, alums and instructors was gathering in the kitchen of the mansion and the energy was just crazy crazy crazy!!!! I couldn’t help and just soaked in the energy. I had to take some quick videos to capture this amazing moment. It was amazing to embrace that vibe. It was like HOLY SHIT. There are 30 guys here that are either committed to growing or committed to giving. Just so much positive energy!!! And frankly I am super curious to know what’s it’s like to be on the other side. To be an alum and seeing new guys that was in the very same “life stage/place” that you were exactly 1 year ago.

    Lastly we took care of some logistics last night in terms of chores, responsible and rules. It was a fun moment when everybody scrambled to pick their room. It was like the NFL draft on steroids. Not all room are created equal. It was just a hilarious moment of the day.

    Then a couple other Rockstars and I were able to record our pre-rock star videos and basically just focused on answering a couple questions. Basically it focused on you sharing your background and stating clearly what you expect out of the program. I honestly was not prepared but just wanted to get it done before the next day. I did my best to answer honestly and said what was on my mind. I guess for me. I know I haven’t been living my full potential. . I want to continue and accelerate the growth that I have been experiencing for the past two years. I want to follow the program as best as I can and work really hard just some of the previous Rockstars see where that takes me. I want to work towards being a highly capable person that can have success in many areas of my life that matters to me. While getting better with women is an awesome awesome skill to acquire, I really want to get to a point where I have solid confidence to keep striving for my full potential and be a highly capable person

    And then lastly, last night we started the first container. The first of many meaningful discussions involved. It is basically to help speed up the bonding of the group as well as shred the isolation we all felt coming into Rockstar. No matter what point in life we are at. I like what Andrew said. When you make a friend or meet someone new, it takes some time to build that relationship and maybe, just maybe, after you know that person well enough (or you feel like you know them well enough) for several weeks or longer. Maybe you tell them something very meaningful to you that is very scary to share with anyone else. That is kind of how you start bonding. Not just through similar interest but through similar life struggles. Basically we do not get a lot of this openness and authenticity in society anymore. Everyone puts up their face that “I am perfect, happy and have everything.” when in fact we are all just human beings living our lives the best we can with imperfect skill sets facing numerous challenges and sometimes even insurmountable ones.

    OK, I kinda just recorded this on this little mini run in the morning. I just wanted to start off this habit on a good note. I did most of this through voice dictation and cleaned it up afterwards so maybe this is a solution going forward.

    So I still haven’t gone through a panic moment/ surreal moment yet now that I am finally here. I am free. I feel free as you guys know based on what I’ve posted one the blog over the past 12 weeks. I have take care of my obligations at home. I did my best to leave many of my mental anchors and baggages there as well. I am looking forward to going forward to spending my time with my “Brother in the Trenches”. To share in their great moments as well as struggles. To our different and unique perspectives on all the things we learn. To just share and enjoy these moments, because once they are gone we will never get to experience them again. However, hopefully all theses experiences over the next 9 weeks will help establish an unbreakable bond between each us and allow us to be prepare for many many more unforgettable moments in the many years to come.

    Thurs Afternoon
    We went shooting guns today. It was really fun!!

    I loved how everyone took awesome pictures of each other being badasses!!

    Signing out for now.

    J

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    Well today was great, which was the gun day and the alumni. Yesteryda, which was the first day was also great.

    Let’s start with the first day. I really like how it started. We all intro’d ourselves, which was awesome to hear more specific things about each Rockstar. Then to hear from the alumni, instructors and then Alex & Andrew was great. I really enjoyed what Alex said about the circle of evolution. That was a great metaphor.

    This first part got me really excited about the whole program.

    Then in the evening we did this sacred truth circle thing and that was kinda cool. Everyone opened up about their stuff. I love the concept behind this, that we are going shortcut to deeper connections – brilliant idea.

    Then today I loved the gun range thing. I’ve never shot a rifle or a shotgun before and it was great to blast that pistol.

    A really good highlight was the alumni session. Where it was a Q&A. fuck that was good. I love Q&As hahaha cause I fkn love questions. they gave some good answers too and great insights into the future. It made me even more excited about it all, regardless of all the pain. Because I am working on removing myself from caring about the pain of the process, and like Alex said, embrace the fear that comes, because that leads to courage and courage leads to growth. I know it’s easy for me to say now when I haven’t even been out yet, so I am very interested to see how my excitement changes in the next week.

    Now im going to get ready to go out for the first night! Can’t wait to see what happens with the group and myself. I feel like im going to open a lot and have a really good night, but who knows! Let’s see!!!

  9. #9
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    day 1

    Day 1
    Thursday
    7-26-2018

    24hrs in and giving my first blog. when i first arrived i wanted to leave. cant deny that. it's hard for me to be here at a place with a bunch of dudes socializing which isnt my strong point. example: 4mos ago i was at a wedding of a friend. and what did i do? i arrived super late, probably on purpose. then i left super early. what a surprise. got in late, left early. sounds typical. i was having awful social anxiety. that's how i felt the first night. i wanted to leave. i wanted to take a cab back to the airport, fly back to my home state, and go back to my house, sit on the couch, and turn on the tv. that's my safe place. i wanted so badly to be back there. pretty stupid when that's exactly what i'm trying to change about myself. i'm doing Rockstar to get AWAY from that! so i'm still here 24hrs later. today was good, even fun at times. talked with the guys while we went to pick up cars. getting to know everyone better. that obviously helps a lot. i'm starting to feel a little more like i should be here and be fitting in. it's not easy. pretty hard for me actually. but i'm still here and we'll take it one day at a time and see how things go.

    our mentor is coming to the pool party tonight and that should be pretty awesome. it will be nice to see a "familiar face". even tho i've never met him. it feels like i've got an older brother there and i'm looking forward to that a lot. most importantly, everyone i've met so far has been really cool. i really like everyone a lot. i'm not going to name any names, we'll keep it all anonymous. but i've been very happy with everyone i've met so far, including our house mentors and our instructors. everyone has been awesome. that definitely makes me feel more comfortable.

    ok, i'm going to end this for now. getting ready to head out. nervous about tonight but we'll see how things go. baby steps. out..
    Last edited by Elje M; 07-26-2018 at 09:20 PM. Reason: add date

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    Friday morning!!! We survived the first night in VEGAS!!!!

    We left Surrender at around 3:20 or so. At that point, I felt I had done my best and achieve my process goals of the night. The first 15 to 20 minutes were kind of a slow start and than a couple of Rockstars and I would just decide to approach and the rest was history. We made at least 20 approaches and there was only 1 “hard rejection” which I was not phased by but must learn to respond better in the moment. I did get a phone number from a pretty friendly and drunk girl that I talked to early on in the night and my mistake was I probably should’ve pushed further with that interaction. All in all, the GOOD:

    * I embraced, felt and absorb the great vibe from the venue and environment
    * I enjoyed the company of my brothers and helped cultivate a fun energy
    * I approached as many girls as I could when I saw an opportunity to engage

    I sense my energy getting low and wanted to make sure I set a good base for the next night and future night when I and (we) all push ourselves. Once I was out of the car and sitting on the uber home, I felt my energy was drained and barely spoke. I know that if things were going down, I could summon the energy to push through and go all night. I also know that when I think or expect that things are tapering off and I will allow the low energy to take its toll. I guess being cognizant of this will allow me to regulate and reserve my energy efficiently throughout the day/ night. It is also an important realization because I am sure in the past I would use the excuse of “I am tired” and not push as hard. I guess one of my process goals is to close the place down with my brothers!! Ideally there would still be a great numbers of girls around to talk to and connect with. Either way, this is my mindset and goal.

    I think I got about 5 hours of sleep or so. I woke up several times and than just decided to get my ass up at 9am. I feel awake and refresh. I truly hope that I can push all night and be able to be effective throughout the day.

  11. #11
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    Day 1

    It’s only been one day and already my life here has diverged dramatically from my life outside this program. We started with introductions, logistics and expectations for the program. All the other students, alumni and teachers seem cool and the house, food and gym set up is great.

    The first proper activity of project rockstar was where things got intense. We did a circle of vulnerability during which everyone shared things that had happened to them that had driven them to project rockstar. The idea was to share things that you never shared with anyone before.

    I felt a great deal of sadness and empathy listening to other people’s vulnerabilities. I’ve always been a quite private person. I have cultivated a pretty good facade and my life seems on the surface to be an enviable one. I felt a sense of anxiety about opening up to other people but was determined to do so - it was, after all, why I came here. I shared how I had fantasised about killing myself, something I have never told another human being. I had left details of this out of my application because I thought I might be judged and told i wasn’t suitable for the program. In fact it was a common theme amongst a lot of the people in the room.

    I also shared a bunch of details about my relationships with women: how I had felt rejected at an early age and not good enough for any woman. I talked about how I felt a great deal of shame and embarrassment around this and effectively lead a life pretending it wasn’t an issue, showing the world only the facade of a successful guy who had his shit together.

    I woke up today feeling a sense of relief to have shared these feelings. I’m sure that this experience is going to continue to be incredibly uncomfortable for me at points but at least everybody knows where I am coming from. That has pretty much never been the case my entire life. Likewise, I’m glad to have learned about the deep vulnerabilities of the other guys on this journey. It made it clear to me that they are all just people like me - people who carry a great deal of pain with them and want to make a positive change in their life.

    Day 2

    Last night was the first night out of the program. We went out with no instruction so the instructors could see how we interacted in a nightclub environment. I found it a bit weird. I didn’t feel anxious in the way I had felt about sharing private things during the circle of vulnerability, but I didn’t feel like I was having much fun. I’ve never been that into nightclubs except as a venue to continue a late night drinking session, so walking around sober was a bit odd. Any time I danced it felt forced. I was just doing it because that’s the environment I was in and that’s what people do there. That’s what was expected of me. It wasn’t something I was enjoying. I talked briefly to some of the instructors and alumni about letting go but I never managed to really achieve that.

    The most overwhelming feeling I had was one of exhaustion. We had gone out to the desert to practise shooting guns earlier in the day and I think that sapped a lot of energy. It was also my first day with zero caffeine. The tiredness made me rather apathetic about meeting new people although I did try a couple of times. Again the interactions just felt forced. I didn’t have much trouble engaging in some small talk but it wasn’t something I was excited about doing. I just did it because it felt expected of me.

    We are going out tonight with a lot more expectation so I want to give it 100%. I’ve foregone the gym in order to sleep a bit longer so hopefully that will give me the energy to somehow have more fun tonight.

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    Day 1-2

    I got to the house late on day 1. My hotel had an auto/fast checkout. And I somehow managed to derail the process 3 times and cost myself over an hour. So I got to the Rockstar house a few minutes past the starting time for the seminar. Not a very good start. As a consequence of this, I was given the room right off from the kitchen that people generally don’t want. Depending on how you look at it, this is either a punishment or a corrective measure. It’s a punishment because it’s something undesirable. But it’s corrective because I’ll be close by the central areas and therefore will be easy to grab if I’m running late and will be under pressure to be ready on time since people can see whether I’m being responsible.

    During the seminar, we introduced ourselves, met the instructors, some of the alumni, and got the basic rules for living in the house down. We then took a break and reconvened to do the circle of truth. For myself and the other 3 who had done the 10-day, this wasn’t as intense, but for the guys who were new, this is probably much harder because we had a runway leading up to it on the 10-day. These guys had to go in cold.

    The second day we went shooting. The guys who have never done it before are probably better judges of how it went. One of the guys did an amazing job filming stuff with his drone though.

    That night we went to a roof-top swim club at the Encore. It was rough getting back on the horse and doing cold approaches, but as I did the reps it got easier and I settled back into being social and having fun.

    I ended up getting some rich Saudi girl interested in going home with me. But a guy who seemed to be her “minder” gave me an and alumnus the 3rd degree and then ‘nixed it. One of my 10-day friends had much better luck and actually had a security guard tell him he was getting too intimate and had to take her home.

    Now it’s the morning of Day 3. We had a hectic morning. The food delivery guy screwed some stuff up and derailed a lot of people’s plans while we tried our best to fix it. Then the water delivery guy showed up and we had to handle that. And then people left for the gym thinking all was well. But shortly after they left, the video guy showed up and needed help getting setup. So the three of us still at the house had to take care of it.

    On top of that, my insurance company is trying to fuck with my medications (that for bullshit legal reasons, had to be shipped to Vegas instead of to my house ahead of time). So I’m sitting here on hold trying to fix this before things get too hectic. And other stuff I was going to do / take care of this morning is getting pushed off.

    So I’m a bit stressed going into the first seminar with the 10-day guys. It’ll be okay though. I can only handle what’s under my control. So I’ll play the best hand I can with the cards I’m dealt.

  13. #13
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    Day 2: Thursday 26th July

    Was a little nervous in the morning because tonight would be our first night out. Woke up early to help sort out some logistics for our trop later. We had some trouble arranging for cars because of a mix up cause by Hertz, and that caused some stress and tension. Our morning outing got delayed by a couple of hours because renting cars was surprisingly difficult for a place like Vegas. In the end, one of the other rockstars managed to use his Amex concierge to helps us get it done.

    I was really tired on the way to the desert shooting range. But once we got there it was a lot of fun. I’d never really handled a gun before (apart from a brief experience with a shotgun) so using an AR 15 was a unique experience. One of the other rockstars had a drone and managed to get some cool shots of us shooting as well as an awesome arial group shot before we left for the day.

    We came back and had the alumni session where which was incredibly helpful! The alumni were from across previous years and all their perspectives were insightful. Trust the process, detach from the outcome, show fun energy, be gentle on yourself, don’t compare yourself to others - these were all things we’d heard before but it had additional weight when it was accompanied by stories from previous years.

    Then it came time for our first night out. Have to admit I was super nervous and for the first half hour or so I had to force myself to speak to people and try to get into a “fun” state. But after speaking to a few people I felt like my social muscles were warmed up and I relaxed. The rest of the night was a blur. I did my best to keep my mouth moving and speak to people. At the end of the night, even though most of my conversations didn’t go anywhere, I felt good about having taken and survived this first step - go out, have some fun, meet some new people.

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    Day 2
    Friday
    7/27/2018

    Last 24hrs have been tiring. we were out late last night til 3am and didnt try to go to bed til 4am. i couldnt sleep well and got up around 830 or so. didnt really feel tired. was a little ticked cuz the hallway toilet had piss in it and it looked like someone pissed in the tub/shower too. FML. i hate living with people. i havent had a roomie since my first year of med school cuz i couldnt stand it. ah well, the price you pay for this. i sent a message to everyone about it.

    went to the gym and got a kick ass workout in i'm happy to say. chest and tris and 30min of cardio. i'll be sore tomorrow. hope i have the energy to go again in the am. conference was long, almost hrs. then a shower and this blog and a quick bite to eat and then out to the club. it's another pool party except this time we have to approach and be as boring as possible and let the conversation die... almost... until she walks away. right now i'm not too worried about it actually. it's about freedom in your mind and letting go and being yourself. only THEN, can you have fun. when you're not there to score. makes sense and should be interesting. i'll let you know tomorrow how it goes!!!!

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    Retroactive day 1 journal

    I was pretty hyped. I couldn't believe that I was finally doing something that I thought I'd never do, but that's life right? People were incredibly friendly (I expected friendly, but it went beyond what I thought). Something that I maybe regret is that I stayed away from social media, and in particular stayed away from the group facebook chat. This resulted in a lot of people being close friends already and it felt like some cliques were formed. Seemed like not that big of a deal - I'm confident that both the promise of rockstar resulting in everyone being best of friends and also my own friendliness would make things better, but a random thing that didn't feel the best. I felt like I had made some good bonds with some of the group though.

    An interesting thing to balance was the desire to share and help vs avoiding stroking my ego. I felt like my dating life before rockstar was something I was incredibly happy with, but I didn't want it to seem like I had all the answers or that I was better than anyone else. At the same time, it's nice to share.

    The evening activity was mixed. It's normally the kind of thing I love, but I felt that because of where I was in my life, I couldn't contribute in the same way that I did when I did the same activity in the 10-day.

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    Mostly on time day 2 journal

    I'm normally the first guy to want to go crazy with fun, and I absolutely adored shooting, but it kind of felt like too much fun too soon. I kind of expected hard scarring stuff. I'm not sure why I felt this way. Maybe because I feel like in an intense personal development retreat, we should have to earn our fun? In hindsight, I think I'm thinking about it too much. I should roll with it more. I've been a lot better about rolling with the punches (excessive worrying is a common issue).

    I wasn't feeling any fear for the evening until the alumni talk - that put a lot of fear in me. The reality hit me once again that I was not familiar with cold approach and that I not only have so much to learn, but it's something I'm not the greatest at. Another anxiety-producing thought is that I was one of the dudes that did the 10-day, so I should be able to kick major ass. This caused me to focus before going out on letting go of my ego and just trying to have a good time.

    When going out, being afraid of approaching happened, and I had a fairly slow start, but thanks to motiviation from other rockstars, I did get into the fun-having groove. Not only that, I brought someone home - my first time from cold approach. It definitely felt better on my ego than it did on my body, and afterwards I've been trying hard not to let it get to my ego. Everyone is congratulating me, and I appreciate it, but really really want to let go of my ego.

    I consider letting go of my ego a major focus right now, and one that I imagine will be a huge focus throughout the program.

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    Day 2, 7/26/18.

    Quite the day today.

    Renting cars, guns and encore beach club.

    It started off, as these things tend to do, a bit chaotic.

    At least in terms of actually getting cars.

    We had called in ahead to reserve 4 cars. And when i, along with 3 other rockstars, showed up to pick up the cars, the rental place was out of them.

    Apparently we called the National office, instead of the local office. And there seems to be a disconnect between those two offices.

    We then returned to the house, only to learn that we had to go out yet again (this time to the airport) to attempt to pick up cars again.

    This time we were successful, but time wise? Not so much.

    We ended up getting 4 vehicles, but not altogether.

    We got them one at a time. I was the last one to receive mine.

    From start (first attempt) to finish (when i received the last car) we must have wasted something close to 4 hours.

    Because of this, i missed the group departure to the BLM shooting area.

    I arrived about 1.5 hours after the group had gotten there.

    I would have arrived sooner, but i was pulled over by a cop for not moving over a lane from a parked tow truck.

    Apparently that's a thing here, and the cop was not in the mood to give me a warning.

    I'm not sure how much the ticket is, (my guess? something around $200), but i'm also now concerned that this could add a point to my driving record.

    oh, joy.

    i'll just have to deal with this at a later time, as RS is just fully packed with activities, lectures, and more activities.

    Barely enough time to sleep, and work out (if you're super committed to it).

    On to the night

    Encore Beach club.

    I haven't done night/club game in a LONG time.

    But, surprisingly, i felt calm and relatively ok going into the venue.

    first 4 approaches were the wort blow outs that i can remember.

    But number 5? golden!

    Tall blonde, young, maybe 14 years younger than me, just hooked so awesomely!

    Only to be "saved" by one of her jealous 'white knight savior' friends who's just a jealous orbiter and will never get with her.

    oh, well. such is life in the pick up world.

    tomorrow night is XS, and they've got a special mission for us.

    Looking forward to it....not. Well, actually i am.

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    Day 3, 7/27/18

    FIRST day at the gym!

    Haven't worked out in over 1 week.

    i know i came to vegas to learn game and work on my and my inner growth as a person, but ever since the transformation and fitness phase, i've come to accept that proper food and taking care of my body are REALLY important aspects of my life.

    And i just don't want all of these "gains" to disappear too quickly.

    The gym is a lot better, and bigger, than i'd originally thought.

    I'd say that about 10 or so of us arrived there today. Most of us got in about 1.5 hrs of maintenance work. It just felt good, great actually, to get a bit of a pump, bro sesh in.

    Also, even though i didn't feel out of shape necessarily, i did feel weaker in ALL of my lifts!

    I'd reached a point, about 2 weeks ago, that i'd gotten my strict push press to 145, and i moved it so easily. I even felt at the time that i could have pushed to 150, maybe 155!

    But today? i struggled with 115. And that was also only 1 rep! damn, how quickly we lose it

    Seminar was pretty eye opening. A deep dive into our motivations for why we humans "do things" in general. Where our true motivations come from.

    it's interesting to see that quite a bit of our reasons for acquiring things in life comes from a sense of significance, whether that's good or bad, and what type of perceived impact we think that has on others, versus just acquiring and doing things for our own true sake.

    Listening to Andrew explain this, it makes sense on a logical level. But, when plugged out there in the real world and walking through the club, an entire life time of misguided social conditioning just takes over.

    Which is why tonight's experiment to get ourselves into the driest of dry conversations was just as interesting as it was effective.

    As the instructors explained it, after the first 4 -10 warm up sets, we would be surprised at how our interactions would change dramatically.

    And did they ever.

    i would probably say that some of my better sets tonight were while in this 'dry' conversation phase.

    A couple of my sets during this phase just would NOT leave, no matter how dry i kept at it!

    Wouldn't necessarily say that this felt like i got hit with a ton of "breakthrough" bricks, but i did learn something important from it.

    And that is, if you/we go into any social interactions wanting something from someone, then that other person (especially girls) can feel it.

    And if we go into it with no expectations? Well, then. Quite a bit of magic.

    Going to try that again tonight!

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    Day 3 journal

    Gonna focus on the night because there was a lot to it. Meditated beforehand which felt quite good - something I'd like to do more in general. Seems like something to get in touch with the emotional brain, and going out seems to be a similar practice of getting in touch with the emotional brain - trying to get to the place where your body does what your logical mind wants it do (kind of / sort of).

    I had done a similar exercise on the 10-day and I was the one hiding in the bathroom scared shitless for this one. I'm pretty fucking proud of that. Went out, did what I had to do. I could have done it better for sure, and some part of me was comparing myself from others, but it didn't seem unhealthy. As in, not in a self-hating way. More like a "wow, these guys have some strengths" way. I want to recognize the strengths of the other guys and try to learn from them. Something I noticed is that I often paired up with other guys that had the same weakness as me (weak on approaching). I think pairing up with guys who are approach machines could help, or at the very least could be an interesting experience. Another thing to try would be playing games with those guys to help us judge who we talk to less and just go talk.

    On that note, I feel like I have awesome strengths that I hadn't appreciated. I've never once felt uncomfortable in any of the clubs. In fact, I love parties. I love dancing. I feel like parties fill me with life and energy. It's great - I went to the club sleepy, but just being there gave me energy.

    When swimming I had the same issue as I've had when dancing in the past - girls basically approach me but I don't know the "pick-up language" of dance and just give negative or confusing body language. The pool seemed so promising, but I didn't get anywhere and didn't feel great about it. Earlier in the night, my alumni mentor showed me how to show interest while dancing, and it seemed to make sense logically but when it came down to doing it in practice, I couldn't replicate it.

    I had an insight later in the night though - right before leaving I realized that dancing is just like talking and I could do the same exercises for dancing (like really dry dancing until I get blown out). I tried it and lo-and-behold someone I tried it on responded positively and my body just took over touching and grinding and getting lost in the moment. This is a major WOW moment for me. Another guy who saw me thought it looked really smooth too. Just WOW. This alone could be life-changing.

    Back to the alumni though, he was fucking impressive. Really amazing at approach. I wish I hung out with him more. Not only was he a machine, but he also looked like he enjoyed the rejections. He brought so much energy into each interaction.

    One last thought, our "dry" conversations were kind of similar to generic normal conversations - that might be a point to avoid some topics entirely. I feel like going into deep conversations has been successful for me because it gets women quite emotionally engaged, but I think I need to have more dominant/intentful body language since deep conversations don't get sexual tension going.

    On the note of sexual tension though, something I focused on on dates that I haven't really thought about was the little details of this: talking speed, distance, eye contact. Maybe something for me to focus on (this goes along with dominant/intentful body language).

    So, lessons (to remind myself):
    - don't worry about being with a group or alone
    - don't judge who to talk to - just talk to people
    - try to enjoy the rejection
    - be bold, approach boldy
    - dancing is just like talking - you gotta practice
    - more dominant/intentful body language

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    July 26th 2018

    I have this image of myself as nice guy. That image will have to die. The quicker this happens for me the better. Last night was our first night out in Vegas, and we went out with no expectations. But a night out with any expectations is the holy grail. When a person is out they are always looking for something. For me, last night did bring some clarity. My goal is to get to a place where I am consistently approaching the hottest girls in a bar while having fun with everyone.

    - I already don't know what day it is. For me it is just Day 3 on this journey. I hope to keep losing myself to find myself. I will slowly need to figure out and decide my new routine. Getting up and meditating def seems to be a part of the new process. The next thing will be finding a workout routine.

    - My next goal is to begin finding a mentor throughout this process. I feel my introversion may keep me from bonding with the larger group. I need to have the courage to overcome this.

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    Day 4 - Saturday July 28th - Morning

    Boring and Dry @ XS Nightclub

    On Friday, we got a huge group of people together and went to the gym. Its about 5 minutes drive and 40 minutes walk away. I was so happy that we finally had a decent gym session. We left for the gym around 10:30am and I left with the second group at about 1pm. I focused on my chest and biceps for the day and was able to compete 3 full sets on two chest exercises and two bicep exercises. They were tough but they felt so good.

    When we got back to the house we had some time to chill and eat. Then some of the 10 days students started showing up and the house got packed again. Lots of commotion. The good kind.

    We started off the session with the seminar room fill to the capacity. The first exercise was a pretty cool ice-breaker. Basically, each Rockstar got per up with a 10 Day student and then each person was allow to talk non-stop for about 5 minutes or so. Then we went around the room and each person would do their introduction of the person they just met. It was a pretty cool ice-breaker and we all got to know a little bit about each person in the room.

    Then Andrew provided kind of the program keynote where outlined the core themes of the program: we all need “Safety” and “Significance”. Our strategy is usually limited to two approaches: Conquer and Surrender (To just be). The session was power and I get the high level ideas and want to live and practice it everyday.

    Later in the night we went to XS’s pool party at the Wynn with the sole objective of doing “Dry and Boring” conversations until the girls walk away. Then feel the moment. It was great. I had worked on this months before Rockstar which had strongly help eliminate my approach anxiety, better handle blowouts, the negative feeling that comes from the blowouts and learned to let them go pretty quickly. So that was pretty cool. I realized it was actually pretty hard to try to make “boring and dry” conversation. The other takeaway is that because I knew I was going to get blown out, I felt lighter and I can feel people being more receptive because I wanted nothing from them.

    All in all, I approached as many girls as I opportunity to or create quick opportunities from. Many of the hot girls, seemly just walked by or would shake my hand with a quick “Hi” and a smile and continued walking. I stopped many girls walking by just to see how many would actually stop and talk. I would say 1 out of 8 or 10. I had a couple really good conversations.

    The things I am working on:
    *Start out with good medium energy and ramp up slowly
    *Speak my mind and just be comfortable having a conversation (vs. judging everything I am going to say)
    *Be more engaging in a calm, confident and fun way

    I am still learning how to do those things. My only goal for tonight is to work hard on the exercise to the T and push hard.

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    Day 3
    After the hectic morning we did the seminar. I compared my notes from the 10-day I did in April with this time. Andrew is cleary winging it because the order is all different. But at the same time, he’s done it so much that when he’s covering a given topic, he says almost exactly the same thing. What’s especially funny is that my 10-day notes have things to the effect of “Alex jumped in and said X”, which kept happening at exactly the same point.

    Last night was great. We did the same exercise that we did on the 10-day. I was surprised by how much easier this was the second time and how much better I understood it. It completely worked off the bat.

    Seeing the guys currently on the 10-day doing it for the first time was really eye opening. I was able to do it right off the bat. And watching other people I saw things that I had being doing before and wasn’t even aware of. From a 3rd person perspective, it’s totally obvious what is going wrong. The experience was really eye opening.

    I was planning on going to the post office this morning, but because the seminar starts at 1pm today, I was worried I wouldn’t have enough time because it seems like US post offices have lots of variation in how long it takes to get stuff done. I was told that the one nearby is actually good, so I’ll probably go tomorrow.

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    Day 3, Friday 27th July

    Got in a good nights sleep last night. We were joined for the seminar by the 10 days students and the seminar room was fairly crowded. The day seemed to go by in a blur - Andrew gave his opening speech again where he emphasised that the mission is to allow men to heal. I thought that was a pretty powerful way of putting it because it spoke to the fact that the primary change we have to make is an internal one rather than an external one.

    I had a few lightbulb moments during seminar. I’m a self help junkie and have read tons of books that try to break down life by looking at it through different lenses. I’ve even been to a few seminars such as Tony Robbins’ Date With Destiny. Usually there’s a lot of overlap in self-help material as people just put a different spin on the same few ideas - positive thinking, being action oriented etc. But the material we covered yesterday was completely new that I’ve never heard or read about before. It took me a few minutes to realise that but after that I was hooked because I knew an epiphany could hit me at any moment.

    The night out was definitely more stressful that the previous one. our assignment was to intentionally let the conversation die for the first hour of the night, to feel what it feels like to get rejected. In the second half of the night we were supposed to let go and have fun. I was only able to get into the club late because they asked for a different kind of ID than the one I’d brought, so I was feeling annoyed that I couldn’t start at the same time as the rest of the guys. But after a few approaches (where I got blown out) I started to get into the groove.

    The rest of the night was pretty fun - had some good interactions that didn’t start out great but developed into interesting conversations that went on for a while. Had to work up the courage to ask a girl for her email address. It’s a really small step, but I did it. 1000/10! I have to learn to appreciate each little step in this journey so hopefully this adds up over time.

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    July 28 - day 4 - Friday

    we did an exercise today, some sort of breathing exercise. they said it would make your neck hurt, your chest ache, hand tingly. it did all that stuff, and that was fine. then you just think about whatever comes into your head. all i could think about was my ex. kept seeing her face/body. and it hurt. a lot. i kept thinking about what she took from me. my self esteem, self confidence, happiness. no, she didnt really take those things from me, but it sure felt like it. and it sucked big time. moving on, i dont want to think about this too long cuz i'll just fuck myself up.

    other things we learnt today in seminar. we learnt about flirting, humor, how chicks communicate. also learnt about getting into "State", the "sacred hour" to get into state, "agency", how women talk to each other, how to be humorous, also coming up with funnny answers to the usual ?s like "where are you from", " what are you doing here", "who are you here with" and stuff like that. tonight we have to practice those things which i am very nervous about and not looking forward to.

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    Day 3

    I often question what I am doing on this program. Is it misogynistic? Am I a bad person for taking it? Is it just plain weird? Thankfully, every time the lead instructor teaches I feel a sense of reassurance that the answer to the first two questions is definitely a no. The answer to the third question may be actually be yes, but only in the sense that it is extremely unusual to be in an environment that is so open about the insecurities men usually don’t speak about.

    We went out tonight and had a bunch of boring conversations with random people in the nightclub. The aim was to show us the difference between being a giver or a taker. Most guys who approach a girl at a nightclub or even go on a date come with an agenda of “taking” something. It could be sex, validation, energy but they there is a sense that they want something from the girl, the way a salesman wants you to buy whatever he is selling. As we went out with the objective of having extremely dull conversations until the girl walked away, we got to see the difference in an interaction where someone doesn’t feel like you want something from them. The result was eye opening. Most girls were happy to stand and have an extremely dull conversation because they didn’t feel I had an agenda. I’ve definitely felt like I had an agenda with girls I liked in the past. I wanted something from them and that is a really negative place to come from. The flipside is to be a giver - offer value in the form of energy, conversation, humour or whatever. If you do this to men, women and the environment around you without any expectation of something in return then the way people respond to you will be totally different. This all makes some sense intellectually but is obviously harder to implement in practice. Luckily, I have 9 weeks to try.

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    Day 4

    “This program is about helping men to heal.” These were the words the lead instructor said today and they were made manifest by the fact that I cried uncontrollably during the exercise we did. It involved holotropic breathwork and I felt the profound sense of sadness which has been with me for the past few years (or longer) in an incredibly powerful way. I don’t know if I have ever felt so in touch with that emotion in my entire life and I did as the instructors advised and surrendered to it. I was crying a lot more than the rest of the group and I am thankful for how empathetic everyone was. A bunch of the guys made a point of giving me a hug. It is not lost on me that the fact that I could cry so much in front of a bunch of my peers and feel no shame about it is an incredibly rare thing. I have been riddled with a lot of second thoughts about taking project rockstar - a feeling like I am doing something wrong or am a bad person or that I have no right to feel unhappy. Today’s experience made me incredibly grateful to be a part of the program and I am looking forward to working through these issues from which I have been hiding my entire life.

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    PR Journal Day 1: 25-Jul-18

    Day 1 of Project Rockstar and although there is a deep sense of excitement - I have been working towards this for over 7 months now - there is also quite a bit of apprehension and anxiety to be honest!

    The day started off with a tough decision - do I join the other Rockstars for breakfast, or do I hit the gym?

    It was a tough choice, but knowing the road ahead will be filled with even tougher choices, I chose the road of muscle and hit the gym.

    Being 2 weeks being all the other Rockstars, I still had the last week of the fitness transformation to do and today was no picnic - DTP shoulders will have me do 300 reps to utterly destroy that muscle.

    I hurried through the workout, rushed to take a shower and make it out of our room before the late checkout ran out and proceeded to meet up with all the guys - warm hugs with the entire Paris crew and off to the Rockstar mansion we go!

    We got there nice and early at 1pm which afforded us some extra time to do a full tour of our new Home before the crowds of other Rockstars, instructors, and alumni arrived. Daaaaamn this place is real: 10+ bedrooms, media room, dozens of TVs, pool, basketball court... I could go on but this is not the Home Channel.

    After warm introductions with everyone, we moved into the seminar room and began the program. It was a grueling day with lots of exciting previews into what the 9 weeks would be like, but we also got broken out into squads and assigned chores and responsibilities.

    We finished the first day with the Circle of Vulnerability, which is rather too personal to talk about, and finished fairly early (1am) which allowed those of us who hadn’t rested from our journeys an early night to turn in and get some sleep!

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    PR Journal Day 2: 26-Jul-18

    Woke up early to make sure I have a chance to shower and center myself as at 9:30am myself and 3 other rockstars had our first assignment to complete: pick up 4 cars for the use by everyone to get around for the next 4 weeks.

    Our fellow brothers had done their research and found us the best rate available in Las Vegas; the only downside? The rental place was 30 minutes away from the house.

    We ordered our Uber and decided to do a quick stop-over at the gym to perform sign-ups and complete an important admin task (after all, it was very important we had access to fitness facilities so that we could maintain our fitness transformations and integrate this habit - 3-5x per week - into our daily lives).

    With this done we proceeded to the rental place and to our huge disappointment, this rental location was completely out of cars! We tried to make the most of it by picking up 5 cases of water and stopping by McDonalds to pick up the last of our “drugs” we could still consume - coffee. We returned to the house to find our brothers already in recovery mode and off to the airport rental we went - 4 cars were picked up and now we were rolling like Rockstars with sweet rides.

    As soon as we got back, we quickly loaded the cars up with supplies and off we went out to the desert for an annual inauguration tradition - target practice! We spent hours and hours out in the Nevada sun, surrounded by surreal desert mountains and beauty, bonding as men do - while firing bullets and blowing stuff up - oh yeah!

    We rushed back (the rental fiasco delayed our schedule by a couple of hours) to meet up with the Alumni who graciously made their time available to offer us a Q&A session.

    Shortly thereafter we got a short break to eat and get dressed and off we went to Encore for a Thursday Night Swim where we were sent by our instructors with no instructions so that they could observe us “in our natural element”.

    The night was very relaxed as there is no particular dress code for the night swim, so we got to wear very casual clothing. I had a blast with the boys, made over a dozen approaches, and found a very hot pair of Cali girls to party with until the wee hours of the night (we literally closed the club down - most of the other Rockstars were already gone by this time).

    I stuck it out with these girls as they seemed up to party and was pretty sure I could make the pull, but I underestimated the “type” of party they were looking for. We found a mixed group on our way out of the club that were about to go “skiing in July”, and I had a very tough decision to make: do I join them or do I cut my losses?

    The girl I was with wanted me to come with... I’d love to have gone, but I don’t think I would be able to resist the temptation to “go skiing” and my skill on “closing” isn’t there so I was likely to just do a bunch of “snow”, be tweaked until waaay later the next day, and still possibly get nowhere with my goals - we left it on “meeting up tomorrow” so I’ll see if I got it anywhere far enough to pick up tomorrow after debrief with my fellow Rockstars and the instructors.

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    July 27th, 2018
    Last night was completed an excercise that focused on us letting the conversation die so that we could get the feeling of being rejected. There were really many lessons to learn from this. I actually found it hard to get blown out most of the time. And by the end of the night, I really didn't care. 1000 out of 10. It will take work to get to the point where the result of any interaction doesn't matter. The fact that a person takes action is really the only thing that is under your control. After that who knows so you shouldn't care about the outcome. The problem with this is that.
    Today we went deep. It feels like the game portion so far is an afterthought. While I need to get good better at the skills tactics of game. The profound work is being done at our core. It will be scary when all that is holding me back is allowed to come to the surface. But I pray that I have the courage to surrender and let what will be.

    Tonight we are practicing the sacred hour. I just need to talk to everybody. For 1 to 2 minutes. Fun, Sacred Hour and Flirting. That is it. I can handle that.

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    Day 4, Saturday 28th July

    We were told coming into rockstar that each day would feel like much longer - like it was multiple weeks or a month. I’m starting to understand what they meant when they say that. The day was pretty intense. Started with a debrief from the previous night where Andrew pointed out something interesting about my psychology that I hadn’t noticed before - that by trying to theorise what the experience was about, I wasn’t helping myself. I just had to accept the experience as it was rather than judge it. That idea stuck in my head.

    A couple of other questions from some of the other guys regarding introversion and the mindset of feeling like they’re behind the rest of the class were very well answered and made an impact on me.

    The day focused on the process required to have fun at the venue. It was well explained and it made sense to me. I’d heard before that getting yourself into a social mood was important, but I didn’t get how important it was until I heard the emphasis that the instructors were placing on it. Redefining success as getting into this state was an eye opener. Alex broke it down into a set of simple rules. I felt like I could do it because the approach described didn’t trigger any kind of approach anxiety or other issues, and could be done by pretty much anyone if they tried. So I was feeling good about my chances of executing well that night.

    We spent a little bit of time on humour and different ways to be funny in social situations. So that gave us a small toolkit to work with during the night.

    The day ended with a rather intense exercise in holotropic breathing. It brought up some old memories for me, though some of the other guys had far more profound experiences. (That’s me judging/comparing myself to other again, something I’ll have to find a way to stop)

    The night itself was a different story - my state went through a lot of ups and downs, but I kept trying to bring myself up and execute on the strategy the instructors had described. I did a bunch of approaches, gave more high fives than I have in my life and did my best to be as outgoing and social as I could be. I never quite reached the state of complete freedom where I really don’t give a fuck what’s going on. I’ll have to keep working at this.

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    Day 4, 7/28/18.

    The grind continues.

    No gym today.

    Having mixed feelings here about this.

    On the one hand, I know why i'm here in vegas. And it's NOT to workout.

    Well, not to workout specifically.

    I can always work out when i get back home.

    I'm here first and foremost to work on game and self development. Working out should be a distant second.

    But for some reason, it's on my mind quite a bit.

    I mean, i worked out REALLY f*cken hard these past 3 months. And to let ALL of that go to sh*t? It just doesn't seem right.

    Having said that, if i can sustain a "work out every other day" schedule, then that should satisfy my need for a pump sesh.

    In addition to getting that pump, working out almost feels like a part, a very real and integral part, of my warm up session for going out.

    It just feels like it gets my blood moving (even though i'm SO sleep deprived! been getting an average of like 4.5 hrs of sleep a night for the past 6 days, and i don't see a day in the near future where that's going to change unless i decide to leave the club early and I DON'T/CAN'T do that!) and starts lubricating my social muscles.

    Just having new people in the gym with which i can start interacting helps me a lot.

    As for the night, we went out to Hakkasan (apparently the 2nd loudest club in vegas). And it sure lives up to that reputation.

    Our mission tonight was to concentrate on the building up to "state". Just use the first hour or so to build up social momentum and after achieving it, see if we could build on that.

    If we were to ever find ourselves "out of state", then we would just go back to step 1 and starts easily (high fives, simple compliments and such...) to build ourselves back up again.

    I must have had about 10-12 'ok to solid' interactions throughout the night, not counting the 15-20 or so other warm up interactions.


    Even though i never really felt nervous or with massive approach anxiety, i never seemed to achieve a good state. All 10 solid interactions were just , well, just ok. Could never get a set to hook. And that frustrated me.

    I wasn't being blown out, but i could never really amp up the connections.

    Maybe it was too loud. Maybe the people sucked. Or maybe, just maybe (and by maybe i mean probably) i was just in my head a little (a lot) too much.

    Goal for tomorrow? Go just a little bolder!

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    Day 4 journal

    More thoughts on day 3: on being bold / being more dominant, I've noticed that I hold back nonverbal communication because I worry about them not wanting that. I'd like to see more of the nonverbal communication as a gift that we mutually want.

    Had to skip most of the pre-party prep that I did the other 2 days because I had to go out to buy dress shoes. The shoes are pretty sweet though. Not sure how much of a difference that made. On the drive there, we got to play around with banter though, which was a win.

    When we got to the club, I focused hard on the process. I still felt like I was judging who I talked to, but overall, I felt very in state for most of the night. I was dancing naturally, and not forcing it. I was actually feeling really good and being friendlier than I normally was. I was booty-bumping everyone and trying to get them to dance. On more bright sides, I brought a lot of magnetic fun energy and pushed my comfort zone a bit. I ended up with some pretty sexual dancing with strangers. We also had some pretty high energy dancing circles going and ended up with this weird dancing-grinding line going.

    I did end up beating myself up quite a bit though. I felt like getting into social mode was not really a weakness of mine and the process gave an excuse to have extremely short interactions. This caused me to have among the worse nights conversationally. I did not do enough fun stuff for sure. Something to work on.

    Also, drinking was a really bad idea. Not sure why I did that. I don't even normally drink that much.

    Overall, from a constructive place, I feel like I had tons of room for improvement. Yesterday was a win for approaching I'd say, but not so with banter and boldness.

    Some hindsight lessons though:
    - I judge a lot of the interactions that I have.
    - I had lots of fun, but not enough fun conversations.

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    PR Journal Day 4: 28-Jul-18 (Saturday)

    (I skipped Day 3 - the length and content of this post is better than anything from that day)

    I awoke surprisingly spry and rested, despite only 6 hours of sleep... we’ve been warned that this amount of sleep will be the norm for us over the next week and I can’t imagine how I won’t be a zombie within a few more days of this.

    I decided that a trip to the gym is warranted and put an invite out on our group chat to see if any of the brothers were up for coming along... they were not - sleep time is hard to come by and the Rockstars decided that today was a day of rest (less one crazy brother who, God bless his soul and strong heart, braved the Nevada sun and jogged to the gym)!

    Today was day 2 of the 10-day, and we covered some brilliant topics along with 1 amazing exercise. The topics of “getting into state” was covered, a very fundamental concept, as part of the buildup from yesterday’s in-field. There was a great discussion during the debrief, and once complete, Andrew and Alex rolled out “The Sacred Hour” process - the implementation of which was also the in-field exercise for tonight. The other topic covered was “flirting”, “banter”, and general “funny conversation” (as part of the hierarchy of 4 types of convo, 1 of which we did yesterday, which was “Normal conversation”); again - tonight we were to go out and as part of the “Sacred Hour”, we were to practice our funny convo skills.

    Then we moved on to the first of the practical “Inner Game” topics. Now, this is the part that you will often hear me say, but the 10-Day and Rockstar are programs that “give you what you need, not necessarily what you want”. In my testimonials I often harp on this because it is so important to “feel” the teaching instead of “reading” about it - and even on here, that is next to impossible to communicate.

    Since I have already participated in the 10-day back in April, I have the advantage of knowing what’s coming, but that also comes at the distinct disadvantage of knowing what’s coming. You can only have one “first time”, and that time was truly magical and I wouldn’t trade it in for anything - in fact, I find myself yearning for being in their shoes. However, what it did allow me to do this time around, is to fully immerse myself in the meditative exercise of heliotropic breathing. At the end of this exercise, at the point of mind-body separation, I had an intense release of bottled up “unhealthy” energy. I cannot stress how important this step is to the healing process, but I am again lucky to be in this program and have the chance for this experience - one I never wanted, but one I now know I do desperately need (we all do, regularly, but so rarely get an opportunity for, especially as guys, in the “real world”).

    The night out tonight was dual purpose: we were celebrating Andrew’s birthday as well as going out to practice our 2 infield assignments. The bonus: We’re at one of the world’s top 10 clubs, with a huge private table, with the premiere act being world famous (and one of my personal favorites) DJ Tiesto, and our table gives us amazing and exclusive view of the DJ booth!!!!

    Tonight’s night was mixed for me, at least for the first part. I performed the sacred hour and was definitely able to hit state, all the while I had genuinely funny and amusing (to me) banter and flirtatious conversations, best of all often times being able to do this with 1-2 of my fellow brothers in set. However; sometime around 12:30 I crashed in my energy level and “took a break” to the washroom which was a total state killer. But one of the instructors saw that not only I was having this problem and they sent out a text reminding us that to get state back you have to do very small incremental steps: just walk from one end of the club to the others having short, energetic, meaningless interactions with anyone and everyone that crosses your path!

    So I surrendered to the exercise, starting with the attendants in the washroom - high five! Then the bouncer outside the washroom - fist bump! Then one of the staff mopping the floor - I stopped, acknowledge the awesome job they were doing despite the shit job they had to do and again - high five! This cascaded over the next 15-20 minutes until climax - TIESTO came out on stage!!!!

    We pushed and elbowed our way with a few other Rockstars through the now crowded bar and past the bouncers and minutes later we were less than 15 feet away from Tiesto, standing high on our awesome table, jamming out to some amazing tunes.

    And then something relatively minor and insignificant happened - a Rockstar alumni standing beside me offered me a small piece of advice that blossomed into an amazing climax of the night. He simply pointed at 1 of 3 girls on the floor of the table next to us and said - grab her and pull her up. I was confused - how do I do that? Just extend your hand, get her attention, and pull her up.

    I shrugged and did exactly that; at first she gave me a bit of a scowl, but I simply smiled, kept my frame, and a second later she grabbed my hand and seconds later we were dancing on the table to the amazing beats being dropped by Tiesto.

    Now I don’t know what things contributed to this, or if it was the combination of all the things we did earlier in the day, but with 0 “top of mind” conversation (we hadn’t even introduced each other), our bodies and energies had a connection over the course of the next hour that climaxed to deep makeouts in the club, and over the course of the next hour, the alumni encouraged me to work past logistical issues where I can proudly say, that I have now, in just 4 short days, and only 3 outings, achieved a goal: SNL!

    Thank you Project Rockstar and all the great guys who made this transformation in me possible in such a short time!

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    day 5
    july 29, 2018
    sunday

    ugh, so we did that breathing thing again tonight. dont want to talk about it too much. thought about ex, thought about how i wish i was still paying her so she could go w me tonight. thought about how scared i am to go out tonight. thought about how glad i was that G was there to help me last night and how i pray he's there tonight. now i'm thinking how much i hated hakasan or whatever the fuck it's called. thinking i'm glad i showered earlier so i dont have to now cuz they only gave us an hour to get ready. what am i doing here???

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    Friday Night

    Omfg this night has changed everything for me. The 1st hour was the DRY TALKING exercise.

    Holy shit. I have never gotten such good results with women in my whole life from a single strategy.

    This changed everything. I actually couldn’t get blown out. Women kept asking me questions and filling the gap and even some started to flirting with me and touching me hahah

    Insanity.

    So then I said, well im going to fucking only open girls im afraid of – the hottest blondes in the club. So I did it, and I got the same fkn results. It was awesome. it really showed me so much, cause I would open the hottest girl out of the set and I could see the other girls react with, fk this guy is confident and doesn’t have an agenda so we don’t care that he’s talking to girl X.

    Yeah of course I got some shti results, but overall, I had found something.

    I kissed my first girl tonight, then a 2nd one.

    Then right at the end of the night I was super tired and REALLY happy with my efforts AND results. I saw 2 girls standing with one girl getting hit on. The one remaining was the typical hot blonde im afraid of.

    So i stood there for a second and knew I was going to open her, but what strategy will I use. I had 2 options: 1) do what I always do 2) do the dry talk technique I learnt earlier that night. The choice was easy, cause only one of this strategies actually works consistently for me hahaha.

    So I walked over, dry talked her, and it fkn worked…. Omfg. I couldn’t believe it. Within about 10 mins I was kissing her. Of course I was keeping the dry talk thing up the whole interaction, I was touching her and slowly introducing jokes etc. I had strong body language and eye contact.

    She ended up being this hot blond Russian visiting for a beauty expo for the business she ran. I really liked her. I tried to pull her out of the club, but she said not tonight and suggested we get coffee tomorrow night haha. I got her number and was very happy with the interaction. I truly wondered if I’d see her again – it was ok either way.

    So overall, on my first night I hooked up with 3 chicks, 2 average looking girls and then one stunner at the end with the Russian. Fuck. But I had a paradigm shift. I cannot fucking believe it hey. This is insane. Doing less, I got more. Im so amazed.

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    Day 4, Sunday 29th July

    Was pretty exhausted from the previous night and was somewhat tired heading into the seminar. We spent a lot of time going through the experiences various people had on the previous night. I was told that I now have a light grip on what needed to be done and I just need to keep at it. Listening to the experiences of some of the others was really eye opening as well - I struggle with the same insecurities and have the same trouble silencing the voice in my head that says “I’m not good enough”, “this isn’t working for me”, “I don’t feel a change” etc. So the answers that Andrew gave them helped a lot to address these questions when they came up at the back of my mind.

    After that we went through the model of how conversations flow in general and then in particular between men and women. Andrew spoke about normal, flirty, sexual and deep conversations. We’d covered the basic principles of flirtatious conversation the previous day and we went back and forth with Q and A on that.

    The whole discussion was useful and I learned a lot from just listening to the other guys ask questions and have them answered.

    Andrew gave a brief introduction on the topic of masculinity. He said that this is not something we need to learn but an energy we have to tap into.

    He also explained that you don’t try to “do” masculinity by artificially embodying those traits. He gave the example that one could fake the behavioural traits of being angry - raising their voice, acting aggressively etc - but that would be completely different from the experience of anger. That analogy hit me like a lightning bolt because every piece of advice I’d read or heard in this area had suggested a “fake it till you make it” approach which is what hadn’t worked at all for me.

    We did the second breathing exercise and then got ready to go out.

    On the night out the mission was to hit the boundary for flirtatious conversation by just giving random bullshit answers to questions. I was quite nervous about this at first because this was the first time I’d be taking any conversational risk. But paired with my alumni mentor we went from group to group and after a couple of attempts at banter I started to feel like I could do it.

    Andrew likes to say that flirting is like another language and it’ll take some time to become fluent in it. I feel like I’ve just gone through my first attempt at speaking this new language last night, and clearly I have a lot of practice ahead of me. But, the idea was to push my boundaries and try this stuff out, which I did, so I feel like I got a light grip on this activity too. Now it'll come down to practice.

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    July 29th, 2018
    Disappointed in my effort last night. Not really much else to say. Waking up this morning my first thought is to push past this and move forward. It is a new day. The sacred hour exercise worked for a bit but it didn't stick for me. And I found myself wondering around not doing approaches. Which sucks. I know I can do better. My main thought or question is how to stop the snowball.

    - Going to the gym. To take out some frustration.

    Gym was good. Felt good. I still feel uneasy right now. But my main thoughts come back to do better the next time. Do better the next time. Not trying is unaccaptable.

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    Day 5 - Sunday July 29th - Morning

    I HAD THE BEST NIGHT OF MY LIFE YET!!!

    I never knew being at a night club could be both exhausting and rejuvenating at the same fucking time. Mind fucking blown. Earlier this years, before Rockstar, some of the seeds have been planted when I was going out in Minneapolis. But this is unfuckin real.

    Partying at one of the best clubs in vegas, being at the best table in the venue, being with the best people in the venue, overlooking the whole crowd, clear line of sight to Tiesto, partying with brothers that are dressed to the 100s that you busted your ass with in fitness for the past 12 weeks!!! This night will forever be one of the shining moment in the bookshelf of “My Life”. I will pull it out whenever I need to to reflect on an super experience of what a “Great Life” can be and fuel the fire to do great and meaningful work.

    In terms of the seminar yesterday, I thought it was really powerful when Andrew told us to set our expectations at “2 years” and focus on the process.

    <More to come>

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    Day 5

    Last night I enjoyed electronic music for the first time in my life. We went to Hakkasan to see Tiesto and the atmosphere was incredible. I felt extremely present and I’m certain that it was down to the breathing exercise we had done earlier in the day. I was extremely aware of sensations in my body, and in particular in my fingertips. It was somewhat similar to an experience I had during intense vipassana meditation earlier in the year.

    In terms of being social I talked to a tonne of people for the first hour or so, just talking bullshit, dancing and having fun. I’m sure this also helped with my elevated mood and enjoyment of the night. When I ended up alone on the dancefloor I totally lost interest in any social interaction. I wasn’t even into saying ‘whatsup’ to the other guys if they would pass because I just felt so into experiencing the music. The energy in the room was amazing. Such a sick night.

    Day 6

    Last night was back to XS for a pool party. The goal of the night was to only talk bullshit and be funny for the first hour. It was amazing how out of my head this got me. I don’t feel comfortable using pre planned lines or routines to be funny more than once. Maybe the first time it will be funny to me but if I use it a second or third time it feels contrived and inauthentic. This kind of forced me to improvise and think on my feet. I have done basically none of that in the last few years and it felt amazing to let go and just be saying whatever came into my head in the name of fun. I think my sense of humour is pretty weird/awkward but I really enjoyed indulging in it and a good amount of the people I talked to found it funny too. Importantly, I couldn’t have cared less whether other people were laughing. It just felt freeing to entertain myself a bit.

    I’m not as attracted to the stereotypical “hot” vegas girls as most of the other guys. Tall, fake boobs and dyed blonde hair are almost anathemas to me. I’ve always prefered girls that I guess others would describe as cute rather than hot. Moreover, I think I find a lower percentage of girls attractive in general than most heterosexual guys. I'm happy to have fun and get to know girls but as soon as I feel they are attracted to me I kind of want to escape except for a small percentage of girls who I find really attractive. I suspect that this may point at some internal issues I have with sex from things that happened in my past. Perhaps we will work through it or perhaps this is just the way that I’m wired and that’s fine.

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    Day 5 journal: 4th night out

    More on day 4: Listening to other people talk about day 4: it made me realize I perhaps learned more about it than the last journal implied. An alumni was talking about how being really friendly early on made it such that later on people kept bumping your state. That was 100% true in my experience, and that was fucking awesome. I felt like the most popular person on the club. It seems like I just gotta focus on boldness. I think I need to work on my beliefs more. I also think that I should have more prepared humor to make it easier to get into it.

    One of the alumni advised keeping a personal non-blog journal which makes perfect sense so I'll do that for more personal/detailed/etc. stuff. I also chatted with another alumni about having a nomadic lifestyle, and I thought it was amazingly insightful and reflective of my resistance from going all in on rockstar because of attachment to my old life. This includes feelings I have for someone who I think is pretty special. This shows itself in what I imagine doing after rockstar: part of me wants to go all in on the rockstar lifestyle, and another part of me wants something more serious with her.

    Should I be going all in on the rockstar lifestyle? Should I just focus on the day-to-day? I think focusing on the day-to-day is the play.

    We talked about conversations today and when I look back at it every time I've been successful, I've been in a fun/deep mode, but for some reason I stick to normal conversations when going out. Mostly fun though. Deep seems to get the mental thought of "I should date this guy", but not necessarily that there is that physical attraction. Something to focus on, though maybe I should try to understand it less and trust myself more.

    I've been thinking a lot about how to do better. That's important, especially with a healthy mindset. But one thing I underappreciate is the progress made so far. Day to day, it's up and down, but compared to myself on the 3-day or 10-day. JUST WOW. Trust in the process.

    Pre-going out foci for tonight:
    - fun conversation
    - don't be afraid of making it clunky
    - trust in the process

    Went out.

    Hit everything I wanted to focus on. Not perfectly, but still a slam dunk.

    The good. I trusted in the process. A lot. It worked. I did it. I spoke in my clunky fun language. It was tough, but I did it, and had tons of fun. I could sense the growth even in the night. I also partnered a lot with another rockstar who had a SUPER different sense of humor as myself. He loved awkward humor, which is the opposite of my style. I actually found it quite uncomfortable and really wanted to leave sets with him, but didn't and felt growth there as well.

    My fun conversations weren't even that clunky! Sure, could've bullshitted more or sold them better, but hey, huge win.

    I also succeeded again at brining the fun vibes. It attracted people and worked out real well. Random women were telling me that they would find me later after quick random make-outs. I also had HUGE amounts of fun for myself. I did contact improv with a random stranger in Vegas, and the dancing was pretty alright!

    On to the less good. I was still acting quite risk averse. When I have a huge green light, I feel like I bring a different sexual energy entirely. I would like to bring that energy all the time, since the signs of attraction are not usually as noticable. For example, I spent about an hour with someone (had a great time) and did pretty sensual dancing, but in the moment, I wasn't sure if she was attracted. I didn't even try. I just gave a goodbye hug when leaving.

    I also never stop people who are walking. I might want to try it out. An alumni was talking about all the crazy stuff he's done when approaching and nothing bad ever happened. Just internalizing that crazy approaches are safe might be worth it. This scenario of not being as inviting is much closer to the kind in the real world, so even more important.

    It might be an interesting exercise to find something really awkward to say and intentionally use that to push my comfort zone. or get help from the alumni to do weird stuff. A few of them offered.

    Some other random stuff
    - An alumni gave me advice to improve my posture.
    - Observed that I didn't do as many booty bumps last night. I was less dance-y too. Not sure if it was me, the club vibe, or having the dancey shoes.

    Overall, I think my biggest issue is fear of failure (protecting my ego) - this prevents me from learning everything else faster. not just any failure though - more like a social failure: like a fear of disappointment or shame.

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    Day 4-5 (Saturday 28 - Sunday 29)
    We went to Hakkasan for the Tiesto performance. This was a great night for me. I have always been uncomfortable at tightly packed dance clubs like this and I didn’t really like EDM. But Saturday was completely different. I followed the sacred hour process, got into state, and just started having fun. At the beginning of the night (when I was getting into state and talking to everyone), I met a lot of guys there for bachelor parties and basically raised everyone’s energy level. Later in the night as I was walking around the club, seeing those guys and high-fiving helped keep my energy level high.

    I was also remarkably better at humor than I had been before. I credit this to being told by an instructor to take improv before Rockstar started. That’s really taught me to break down my barriers and self judgement. Now I know that you can basically say anything as long as the timing and energy is right.

    Towards the end of the night, I was winging for an alumnus. But logistical issues got in the way. They had 3 other friends they had lost, and we weren’t able to pair them off with the other guys. So eventually the 1 who didn’t paired off, dragged the rest away.

    But it’s not a loss. Pushing myself and seeing how I’ve changed since the 10-day was a huge boost of confidence. And dancing with the girl I was winging helped bust through some of my barriers and hang-ups with sexual escalation. So it was a huge win.

    Sunday was also a huge win. I learned a ton. At the beginning of the night, I met a group of girls who were having a great time in the pool. I thought the probability of pulling someone was way too low at 10:45, so I moved on. It didn’t occur to me until I got home, but I realized that I should have gotten a number or Instagram so that I could reconnect with them later in the night.

    Once I was in state, we were told to try to get blown out with fun/flirty talk. But I misunderstood the instructions and thus couldn’t do the exercise. Because of that mistake, I’ll have to make it up on the rest of Rockstar. Basically I didn’t realize that I could make my jokes more risque by moving into flirty-sexual. So I would run out of the funny/flirty stuff, lose interest in the discussion, and it would die. Thus I didn’t get blown out. This is obvious in retrospect, but the mistake, helped me understand the model better.

    Later in the night, I met three hot foreign tourists who were hanging out near our table. I started talking to one of them and layered on the fun/humor and was hitting it off really well. An alumnus came up and hit it off with one of her friends. When Marshmellow started, the four of us went to the front of the crowd and we dragged their third (very) drunk friend along and brought over another alumnus. The drunk friend kept doing things that upset security and we kept having to stop her. At some point in the concert, the one I was with ran off at high speed. I couldn’t tell what had happened, and ended up in my mind for for a second and that caused me to hesitate.

    If I was doing it again, I’d have just grabbed her and asked, but because I went into my mind, I didn’t react fast enough. And once I failed to grab her, I could have just asked her friend what was going on. But since I was in my mind, I started rationalizing things, and decided that I might have been blown out or that she was just going to the bathroom. I wanted to find out. Thus I slipped into outcome dependence and needing instead of giving.

    So I followed her through the crowd, eventually lost her (because she was basically running). And I told myself that if she wasn’t ditching me, she’d end up back at the pool in front of the concert. So I decided to use the bathroom and beat her back.

    Of course by the time I got back, she was already there and only one alumnus was still around. Apparently the other two girls had been dragged off by some crowd of girls. And everyone not being there when my girl got back drained her of energy and basically killed my interaction with her.

    At some point the other alumnus brought his girl back sans the drunk one to try to reignite the energy, but it was dead, and I couldn’t elevate the energy because my girl was nervously looking for her 3rd friend and otherwise not having a good time. When we realized I was about to blow things up, I passed her off to the alumnus who had originally been with the drunk girl. Being more experienced, he was able to get things going again.

    Unfortunately, I was the only one who knew that security was watching the drunk one and was going to detain her if she got separated from her friends. That’s exactly what happened, and as the two alumni were leaving with their girls, security brought their third friend and escorted the three girls out without them.

    Although this sounds like a loss, I count it as a win. I learned so much from that interaction and know that today, I’d be able to do it again without making the same mistakes. This is a huge stride. Early on I couldn’t even tell what was going wrong. Based on my sports experience, I know that a major inflection point is when you start being able to break things down and look at them objectively and unemotionally after the fact while not getting emotional in the moment.

    So I'm really looking forward to further growth.

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    Day 5, Monday, 30 July

    The day began with a debrief of the previous nights activities. Our alumni mentor walked us through the previous night and answered our questions. The insight was very useful, mostly because it created some perspective for me - it showed me that it was normal to struggle a bit with things like flirting and that I should be a little gentle on myself because I gave it a shot, and a few things worked i.e. I learnt not to set unrealistic standards for myself.

    A lot of the guys had a good night last night, which was great. It means that the energy of the group is likely to just go up from here, and it’ll make the rest of the nights out more fun as well.

    Andrew provided some additional insight as well. He said that the mindset of “I need to do things the right way” was a trap door and instead it should be “I will do what I need to do to get myself into the right place and then what will happen will happen”.

    Fun is the cost of entry is a mantra I’m going to try to embody going forward.
    We next went into “Depth” as a topic and learnt how to better convey our own life stories to make them more compelling.

    After that it was our third time at bat for the breathing exercise. Then we all took a short break and went into a second round of sharing with all the rockstars and guys on the 10-day as well. The session was intense and went on for 5 and a half hours. A lot of pain was expressed and some of the stories I heard were heartbreaking. There was so much pain in the room. I really hope this process works for all of us.

  43. #43
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    Saturday Night

    Omg easily one of the best nights of my whole life. I couldn’t believe it. I truly felt like a Rockstar. Which was the whole point of joining this program.

    So we were at hakkasan with a table and tiesto was playing and it was Andrew’s birthday.

    I opened this American girl and was kissing her within 5 mins. Fuckin hell. I’m so not used to that. But shit has changed from last night. Fml. I love Rockstar.

    But then I had to ‘dump her’ which is a first world problem I’m not used to haha. Cause I wanted to go open more and find hotter chicks.

    I rushed to find some hot chick to bring back to the table for tiesto but my mentor and I couldn’t find any to our standard. So we went back anyway.

    I was dancing up on the tables, it was fkn awesome. I had been texting the Russian chick to meet me there and we were going back and forth. Then she said she’ll come and see me in 40 mins. And I was like FUCK YEAH. But then I turned around and that hot American I had kissed earlier and who was grinding on me so good was AT the table haha. So funny.

    I wanted to dance with the American, cause I thought if I wait for the Russian for 40mins and she flakes, I would’ve wasted an opportunity to party with a girl.

    So I pulled her up to stand up on the table so we could enjoy tiesto together and we started making out and her grinding on me and I felt like a goddamn superstar cause all the alumni and instructors and my friends were around and most of us had girls and were having a great time it was just out of this world for me. The confetti was raining down, tiesto was awesome – it was an insane feeling. Cause normally I don’t have a girl with me at these times to celebrate and if I did it would’ve been a gf. I felt so good that it was a girl from the night.

    Then the Russian said she’s 5 mins away and I was like omfg, this American is back in love with me I’m going to have to dump her a 2nd time. dammit. I hate making people feel bad.

    So I just bailed on her and found the Russian and she looked so fucking good. Even better than last night. She was one of my dream girls. She had this sexy af dress on that was shimmering, heels, hot blonde hair, side boob, no bra, pretty big tits – I was so happy.

    What made me even happier was holding her hand and leading her through the club to our fucking exclusive table haahaha. I’ve never had a table before, I barely knew they even existed to be honest.

    So as I took her there, it was such an awesome feeling to bring her thru all the alumni, instructors & my peers and then climb up on top of the table and be dancing with a new hotter girl.

    So for the rest of tiesto I was dancing and kissing with her. 2 girls in the one night I was kissing while tiesto was on…. This is so NOT normal for me.

    Then I pulled the Russian home.

    In the uber she got her tits out.

    We had the best fucking sex back at the mansion, in my bed then in the shower.

    Holy fuck. The feeling I have now recounting this story is awesome. cause with the Russian, over the two nights and the texts and all of it, it was like a mini love story.

    I really like her, she’s such a cool chick, and we had a really good connection and I felt like I treated her really well.

    The next day she texted me all this stuff saying she felt like it was more than sex etc. and I agreed. I really look forward to seeing her again, she was so fun, cool & a leader.

    What she showed me was this: that’s what I want in a wife.

    Because she wasn’t the BIMBO hot blonde. She was the classy one, she’s had a business for 10 years, she’s not a ditz or a needy high maintenance fool. I would def date her if possible but I am so happy there’s these chicks out there that I’ve imagined I could marry and I ACTUALLY got one. Man day 2 of Rockstar, I am so happy. I love nightclubs too now

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    7/29/18.

    Sunday night.

    Back at the beach club.

    Our goal tonight? The first hour, hence forth know as the 'sacred hour', is our warm up hour.

    From the moment we enter the building just start to interact, ever so mildly, with anyone and everyone.

    High fives, compliments, small chit chats are on the menu.

    The goal is to really get into the practice of being socially lubricated by about 12:30am or so when you/i can really start getting into good, free flowing conversations.

    As has been the case the past 2-3 nights. I can reach a mild level of 'state'.

    Nothing bad, but nothing great either.

    i remember very vividly that i use to get into a good free flowing, bantering state very easily in the past. But now? it just seems to be missing.

    I'm not really that nervous at all, and i approach/open pretty easily. it's just that my mind is completely relaxed (or, perhaps it's just more sleepy, as i feel so sleep deprived). I feel like i haven't adjusted to the sleep schedule yet, and that when i do get into set, i'm almost half asleep.

    i'm not bringing any energy and i feel it. or rather, not feel it!

    partly, it's my fault (i think) since i'm still making a commitment to waking up early enough to go workout on most days.

    I've been considering giving up a day here or there, but right now, going to the gym in the morning is a form of therapy for me. that, and i don't want all my gains to disappear by the time we head over to europe for our trip in 3 weeks!

    either way, stuck around the club till the bitter end. at 4am, my LAST approach, i opened a girl (black, pretty curvy but cute face) and i could immediately tell she was into me and DTF. she gave me those "puppy dog eyes staring at a dinner bowl" look. that, and she was molesting me right there in the club. fondling my chest and grabbing my ass.

    for some reason, that turned me off. i told her i was going to look for my mates, and she said, "i may not be here when you get back".

    it's a lost opportunity, but i don't feel as though i really missed out. i just wasn't attracted to her.

    but after talking to the fellas and instructors, they all pretty much agree that ANY chance with a girl is a good chance to continue learning. so, i'll just have to re-calibrate in my mind to go with all the way next time.

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    July 29th, 2018 Day5
    Yesterday was an interesting day. I went into the day feeling pretty bad about the night before at Hakkassan. I got into my head by the middle of the night. And I didn't have the greatest of time sulking for a bulk of the evening. As it always is, a new day brings new possibilities. I am learning something new about myself daily in this program. Today the most profound lesson that I realized about myself was this below.

    "Can I learn this and stay SAFE!"

    The first part of Rockstar has been heavily focused on the mind and how it works to keep us safe. For me the quote above was a realization of how I operated my entire adult life. While I want to grow and step out: I find myself holding back/dabbling around the edges of new I wanted to do. So instead of just taking that first step and figuring it out. I would always say hey. Let's read a book. Then you can get this all figured out before you take any action.
    Another key thing we are learning is that life is to be lived in the body. The exercises Andrew has us doing are getting us to reconnect to our body and to get out of our minds. I find this approach is working. I can't say I understand how or why it works. But it does.

    Last night was one of the funnest nights I have ever had out in my life. And this was totally sober. I can tell this program is making a change.

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    Day 6 journal

    Skimming journals: some people have an awesome mindset. They find doing the weird stuff really entertaining. I like that.

    In the seminar today, they were diagnosing another guy's issues. He was saying that when given the right options, it's just a matter of choice/agency when progress isn't made. Makes me think if my risk-aversity is a choice. We also talked about really sticking to the sacred hour, so let me analyze my own performance at it:
    1. approach anything: Much better than before, but still some judgement. I also avoid people who are walking.
    2. minimize time in-between interactions: I think I do pretty well at this, other than the "approach anything" judgement.
    3. keep your interactions short: I do this quite well. Perhaps too well. I keep them very short though there might be a chance we'd later vibe.
    4. don't judge yourself: I do this a bit, but have made amazing progress.
    5. find something funny in every interaction: I currently kind of do this, but believe that this is the big sticking point. If I can keep finding fun in all the stuff I could improve on, I will definitely improve on that. This goes back to finding the weird stuff entertaining.

    Random thoughts:
    - I have almost never ran into the same person even in the same club. This should add more perspective on how insignificant each approach is.
    - The way I kid around with people is different depending on close I am to them / how comfortable I feel. It's an area where my freedom could be improved. I want to get to the point where I'm as comfortable with strangers as friends.

    Not many major insights from the evening for myself: talked about my fear of disappointment.

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    PR Journal Day 5: 29-Jul-18 (Sunday)

    This morning I woke up pretty tired, almost an oscillation from yesterday where I got maybe an hour more of sleep but felt great. Nevertheless, there is a pattern to each day, and that pattern means that if you have errands you need done - you do them in the morning.

    So I dragged my ass out of bed, grabbed some food, entered it into my nutrition journal (MyFitnessPal), and today I had to skip out on the gym (many of the brothers went) because the Rockstars took a vote last night, and we decided that the 4th car in our fleet, which I upgraded from a full size sedan to an SUV for double the $$$, without consulting all the other brothers, needs to be downgraded.

    I appreciate and feel blessed for having this great group of guys in PR 2018, who for the most part all were cool with having 1 nicer and bigger car, but then we considered the few brothers who had a tighter budget, and we all agreed to downsize in favor of spending the difference on being able to have even more budget available for our road trip... it doesn’t happen often that you have a group of people who are so considerate of each other, but it really feels like all of us have managed to integrate and genuinely develop brotherly love for each other in just a few short days of meeting face to face - mind blowing (this almost never happens in the outside world, especially not after university/college)!!

    The car swap went off without a hitch, our budget was over by a mild $120 for 3 days which came out to ~$3per brother per day.

    Upon my return, I quickly had to do my chores, and as a house squad leader, had to report our daily chores complete... off to seminar.

    Today we covered the Rockstar conversational model, and the concept of conversations boundaries when talking (or even when not, because you can clearly communicate without exchanging any words, as I learned last night) with girls. Our first in-field task for tonight was to be aware of this concept, and push the boundaries of funny conversation.

    Then we covered the theoretical model of masculinity and the second in-field assignment was to begin “feeling” the masculine-feminine energy (or at least to see what we can pick up on). This topic was going to be covered more practically later in the week.

    For tonight we were back out at XS (we were there on Friday) and tonight Marshmello was the prime act! Its unbelievable to me that we have had the intense pleasure of enjoying 3 great music acts, consecutively, over the last 3 nights: Chainsmokers, Tiesto, and now Marshmello!

    So as I’ve been doing lately, wrote too much, so let me summarize the night:

    1. The Good:
    A) I made myself laugh consistently throughout the night; the first hour of the night I barely once shared anything serious (always made it into a joke)
    B) Had a lot of fun
    C) was in state arguable more often than less
    D) Despite having multiple occasions where my state crashed, I had agency to stick it out to the end of the night and experienced that “rush of energy”, discussed in seminar, in my last interaction of the night
    2. Needs improvement: I didn’t get blown out anywhere near as much as I feel I should have given the framework of the exercise - next time push the boundaries even more, become obnoxious consistently so you can pull it back from there
    3. Work on next time: approach more hot girls (I’m noticing I’m avoiding these and I need to lean into this discomfort)

    That’s it for Day 5... amazing to realize we went out for 4 nights straight!

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    PR Journal Day 6: 30-Jul-18 (Monday)

    I woke up pretty tired, having got back to the house around 5:30am and got maybe 5 hours of sleep for a second day in a row - the grind already seems relentless.

    I still managed to get myself and a few other guys motivated to go to the gym. This was the first non Fitness Transformation day (I completed this on Saturday) so I switched over to the Rockstar Fitness Maintenance schedule - it was amazing to get most of it done in less than 90 minutes, including supersets couples with drop sets (up to now I’ve been spending 2-2.5 hours in the gym, not including DTP, which are a bit shorter but sooooooo exhausting).

    We quickly made our way back to the mansion, shower, food, and straight into seminar - not even more than 5 minutes to sit and think about anything.

    Today’s topic covered “Deep Conversation” and a very interesting associated exercise that had us spend over an hour answering thought provoking questions to stimulate thoughts about “Who Am I” that will eventually spark good deep conversational threads. However, being the type of people we are, deep conversation is arguably the one we are most comfortable with, so I plan to park this for the time being and continue to focus on funny.

    Tonight was a “night in” - we did a huge circle of vulnerability, with 32 people sharing for 6 hours straight. None of the content of this experience can really be shared, but the bond between all of us has definitely been strengthened. Sharing came with a sense of relief, but hearing other people’s demons really unified us into understanding that all of us are struggling with different, yet similar, demons.

    Funny enough, the experience ending at 4am is still arguably the earliest night we have so far

  49. #49
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    Day 6 - Monday July 30th/ Day 7 - Tuesday July 31st - Staying in to focus on inner game.

    We stayed in Monday and just focused on learning depth, doing the breathing exercise and did a Circle of Vulnerability. The instructors told us in advance we will not being going out Monday or Tuesday nights. It was both a relieve and fear, because sometimes it just feelings easier to go out and approach a bunch of girls vs. opening up and telling 30 people my life story.

    The depth session was eye opening. I think as most of us on Rockstars as well as the 10 days are mostly introverts. We all know depth to an extent but just know how to properly express it and explain it to other people in an effective and connecting way. The filters that Andrew laid out was a great first step for each of us to start working telling people our amazing and authentic self. There is still alot of work to do and we need to put in the agency, time and effort into getting good at it.

    The breathing exercise was tough but ultimately relaxing. I found myself having a dry mouth real quick and had to start my breathing all over again. It happened several times. Yeah I also find it difficult to keep the rhythm and the fast pace. I am getting better. I did not have any images on either sessions.

    Lastly, we started the Rockstars second "Circle of Vulnerability" session while it was the first one for the 10 day guys. We had 32 guys and interesting dynamics. Most of the Rockstars have gotten to know one another over the 12 weeks fitness program as well as the last several days. Obviously we are still getting to know some of the 10 day guys. It felt strange to share some treaty deep stuff going on in my life with some people I really know and some that I don't.

    It was such a moment to be grateful for. It is such a rare thing for a group of good men to open up about their lives, talk about the pain they have experienced and then in turn receiving no judgment and massive love from the group.

    This is truly epic and powerful stuff.

    Today’s session we talked about and was introduced to the Top of Mind and Bottom of Mind (Survival vs. Trust) model. The Top of Mind tool, “Racquet” was introduced to us. These are basically negative foregone conclusion that we setup in our mind when an event happens. We also touched on the whole “Game” model. We will be doing our 3rd breathing session tonight. I am going to just do and have no expectations or agenda for this exercise and see what happens.

  50. #50
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    7/30/18.

    no going out tonight. as in no club activity tonight.

    but, it doesn't mean that we're not doing something.

    and that something is a roundtable (ALL rockstars AND 10 day-ers) sitting around in a circle (starting at 10:30pm and finishing at 4am the next morning) and sharing some of the deepest and most intimate pain that we've each experience.

    we did something very similar like this before. either our first or second night here.

    wow, it's not a week that we've been here and it already feels like weeks. maybe even months.

    that's why these days are starting to become a bit of blur for me. maybe even so for the rest of the fellas, too.

    the first time i did this, i shared something very deep and personal for me. i won't go into too much detail, as i'm still not comfortable sharing this with the rest of the world.

    perhaps one day i will, but that's not today.

    i will say this much. it's about a girl (isn't it always?) my ex with whom i broke up in a very awful way. the intensity of that break up was SO brutal, that i'm still not over it yet. not over it after almost an entire week here of going out.

    perhaps that's something that's holding me back in my interactions.

    or maybe it's just the lack of sleep.

    or maybe it's both. along with other demons.

    at any rate, the first time i shared this story, it hit an extremely painful area. it took SO much from me to share. but i did. or rather i did to the best of my ability. there were still details about it that i did not offer. the pain and the shame are just too much for me to bear.

    but this second time? this time i REALLY let it out. that, and along with my childhood trauma of a relationship with my dad.

    aside from my siblings, and even then not to this degree, have i shared this with anyone.

    the pain and the ramifications of it on my development as a man and person are impossible to count.

    and that's not to say what it did to my mother.

    and how that horrible destroyed her soul, her energy and her life.

    i don't think i'll ever be able to reconcile this tragedy. i'll always be thinking that i could have, should have, done more.

    my journey here on rockstar has only just begun, and i'm getting to the root of my problems in this program.

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    day 6
    July 30
    Monday

    it was a night where we didnt go out. we ended up doing another breathing exsercise which was ok. still thinking about the same thing which is bringing me down. so i dont like the breathing exercises. i hid in the casino last night x 3hrs cuz i was so fucked up after the 2nd breathing exercise. at about 2am i did go into the club and, surprisingly, had a good time. i did a lot of approaches and i think my effort was an A. my effort, not my results. i also had some help from my mentor again which was greatly appreciated.

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    day 7
    July 31
    tuesday

    didnt go out last night . we had a long circle of truth/vulnerability but we learnt a lot about each other. didnt end until about 4am (we started around 10pm). today we mostly covered rackets in our mind or false beliefs. fallacies i guess. it was good stuff and i enjoyed it. i was still tired from the session the night before. i plan on going to the gym tonight after our 4th breathing exercise. not sure what to expect. they've all been very emotional for me and i havent enjoyed them. so they're not fun.

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    day 3
    7/28/18

    we went to the pool party again tonight. a different one. it was interesting. we went up to girls and basically just talked to them about dry conversation topics until they walked away. it was VERY hard to do. much harder than i thought. most women just stood there and talked to use for awhile. and when they did turn away it wasnt a big deal. it was very eye opening. i enjoyed it. the 2nd half of the night we were able to talk to them and be more entertaining. i had a more difficult time with this one. i needed some help. i did it a little bit but it didnt go well. still, i did approach and overall it was a good exercise.

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    Day 6-7 (Monday 30 - Tues 31)
    Monday and Tuesday have focused on inner game. We have been practicing a type of active meditation to try to help us get into our bodies and out of our minds. On Monday the main event was something like the circle of vulnerability where we talked about our pain points and what we wanted to work on. Tuesday we went over inner game in theoretical terms. And tonight we will actually do the full active meditation.

    The general message is that your mind is not you. It’s just one tool in your repertoire and it doesn’t have to control you. You can exercise agency to act on your values instead of on the stories, biases, and impulses that your mind injects into your head.

    This stuff is mostly experiential so it’s hard to explain in text. It’s something you have to do in an appropriate context with the right group of people.

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    Friday July 27, 2018

    Last night it wasn’t that easy to just have fun. My general mood was mostly relaxed, but the objective in the back of my head was always to talk to girls and I got nervous and anxious the moment we got in the club. I put that pressure on myself for no reason. We didn’t even have any “mission” last night. The club was great. It was my first pool party in Vegas and I enjoyed hanging out with the guys a lot. Girls were hot and going around the club was fun at times - when I wasn’t all in my head thinking about what other people think about me. At a given moment I started just dancing and enjoying the party and I had a pretty cool interaction with this tall hot chick. Some of the guys told me that she was pretty receptive, but I was feeling awkward so I wasn’t very pushy and let the conversation die. We also met a couple of Korean girls and my friend told me this morning that one of them was into me, but I didn’t realize that either. I’ve noticed that pattern in my behavior before. It’s like I don’t see the signals of interest the girls are showing me. I think that’s due to a mix of sense of unworthiness - since I don’t believe the girl can like me, then I filter the signals of interest - and the fact that I’m in my head judging the interaction and caring too much what people around me are thinking.

    Today we had our first seminar and most of what was teached is oriented towards solving these kind of mindset and behavior. Today we went through the concepts of significance, having fun, surrendering and letting go, which are exactly the right avenue to get out of my head and just have fun… then we’ll see what happens. Even though we went through these teachings during the 10-day and had a glimpse of they mean and how they feel in New York, I needed to have this seminar a second time to get a reminder and make better sense of them. We’re going out tonight to practice how “not to give a fuck” and the homework for tonight seems like the perfect transition for my experience last night. This all makes so much sense. It’s relieving to finally understand I’m not the only one going through the same mental and behavioral patterns. It’s just human behavior and we’re gonna get over these challenges together. The homework/exercises for tonight are not gonna be easy, but I’m finally committed to go step by step and just do what we’re asked to do. Today I reiterate my intention let go and trust the instructors. I’m gonna allow them to rebuild me from the ground. I’ll start with performing tonight's exercises the best I can.

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    July 31st, 2018 Day 6
    Time is flying in the program. We had a sharing session from 10:30 to 4:30 am last night. For some reason, I was thinking that a night off meant getting to sleep on time. On time for now is 4 am. So I should surrender to it.
    We have switched to more inner game things this week. With less emphasis on gaming, there has been more attention paid to the spiritual work. As I type this now, we are getting ready for our final breathing session. I don't know what to expect. Every session has been cathartic. The things I am experiencing, I can't not experience. During one session I had the feeling of letting go and teleporting through the universe.
    Planning for our road trip is beginning to happen. I have a feeling that Mykonos is a front-runner for our beach trip. I think what excites me the most is the possible progress that can happen when we get to that time off. Tonight is our final break night as we do our last breathing exercise. Depending on the experience we plan to go out afterward. You only get one Rockstar. Go hard or go home. Going out feels like the correct action for tonight. So to get fulfillment I need to follow that inner compass that is inside me.

  57. #57
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    Here comes a complete post of my entire week 1 on rockstar

    Rockstar Day 1

    So we're officially done with the first day of Rockstar. It ended up being really long, just the presentation of everyone took a couple of hours. As a guy with basically no experience what so ever with love systems or the pickup industry as a whole I've had this little voice in the back of my head since the day I got accepted telling me I'm a moron and that the whole thing is just a scam, but after meeting everyone yesterday, instructors, alumni and all of the participants of rockstar and hearing everyone's story I can finally say that voice is quiet.

    I was also very impressed by seeing that no one, none of the instructors or alumni or anyone else was that typical macho guy you usually see in movies and media but rather really cool down to earth guys with their own problems and demons. After the presentations and logistics, we had our first official excersise of the program, where we just sat down as a group and shared some of our insecurities and pains that we're currently struggling with in life. It was a very powerful experience to not only share but to listen to everyone else's stories and see that everyone has pains in their lives. everyone has insecurities and demons that they struggle with on a daily basis and I think everyone could relate on some level to the struggles everyone else is going through. I certainly felt that way.

    it's exciting to see how this will keep on progressing and how we all will grow and get past these insecurities throughout the program. I mean that the whole reason we're here. At least for me, I didn't really sign up to pick up chick even though I don't mind improving in that area of my life, but rather to heal my soul as someone phrased it yesterday and get over these demons.

    Rockstar day 2

    Day 2 of rockstar was a pretty interesting experience. Every year as kind of a welcome ceremony two of the rockstar instructors, both ex-military, takes everyone out into the desert to spend the day shooting guns. As a Swede, I have a hard time understanding the American gun laws and personally, think they are quite weird but I have to admit, the shooting was pretty freakin awesome. I honestly didn't like how much I liked it.

    I have been to a gun range in Sweden once before and even then we only shot pistols and a total of 25 rounds. Yesterday we got to shoot an AR-15 as well as a pump action shotgun and waaaaay more than 25 rounds. We spent almost half a day out there. Haven't really changed my opinion on gun controll, however, I understand why people would think otherwise.

    We also had our first night out, even though it was quite unofficial with the only purpose of letting the instructors see what we usually do while we're out. "Just do what you normally do and have fun," they said... Well, that ain't very easy for a Swede when we're not allowed to drink I can tell you. The Swedish routine is basically going out and getting shitfaced and hopes that you wake up with someone that you like when you wake up, so not having the luxury of drinking sure made things more difficult for me.

    However, I have been sober before even though it was quite a while back now, I just tried getting back into my old routine of Soda water and lime and dancing like a maniac. All in all, I can say that the evening had its highs and lows but I still had fun. Somewhere in the back of my head I know it was kind of necessary for the instructors to get a baseline from where we're starting out from and it doesn't really matter how the evening went. We still have the entire program in front of us

    Day 3

    So today was day 3 of the Rockstar Program and the first day of the 10-Day Bootcamp that's a part of it, which means that for the next 10 days we'll have 15 more guys coming and going in the house which is pretty crazy! Living with "just" 16 other guys doesn't feel nearly as crowded anymore, compared to when we're 33 students plus instructors and Alumni in the seminar room during the day. The first day of the 10-day started out roughly as the first day of rockstar, everyone got to do a little presentation of themselves and why they're there followed by an introduction to the foundation of the Simplified natural curriculum that the 10-Day and the rockstar program is built on. Even though we didn't go through much it already made sense from my point of view.

    We also had our first official night out which was pretty interesting. Our main goal for the first half of the night was to just approach girls and be as dry as possible and try to get blown out just to get used to the feeling of it. It was a quite an interesting experience since you realize two things, firstly getting blown out isn't really that bad. You realize you don't die from it pretty quick and when you reach that point you just keep going. Secondly, while approaching girls without an agenda it's actually quite hard to get blown out even if you ask the most boring questions in the world. Generally speaking, it takes way longer to get blown out than you expect.

    For the second half of the night, we were just supposed to have a good time and pretty much talk to everyone while just having a good time and adding value rather than taking. I was in quite a flow at this point so I didn't really have any big problems with this. However, we ended up going home at around 3.30 am and after that, I fell asleep in the car. So far I enjoy the process and looking forward to seeing where it will take us next!

    Day 4

    Rockstar Day 4 and the official day 2 of the 10-day Bootcamp. It was a pretty intense day. This whole program is pretty much focused on getting out of your head and your own way so that you can naturally do what your body should do if that makes any sense. So yesterday we got to do some really intense breathing exercises that honestly is a hard experience to explain in text. You kind of have to experience it yourself to understand, but I can tell you that it was extremely emotional and a lot of crying and letting go of inner demons you could say.

    I'm not a very spiritual guy in any way so its very easy for me to disregard this kind of stuff as snake oil but I'm keeping an open mind and I'm willing to test anything and let me tell you this was mindblowing. Basically what the process is, is a series of very intense breathing "session" done in a series that will pretty much tighten up your entire body. It's a weird experience but after you done them some really strong emotions comes out into the open that many didn't know they were carrying. This first time was just an introduction to the exercise but it was still very intense.

    We also went out last night again to practice basically just getting into state by having a shit ton of short interactions with basically everyone and just getting out of your own head. I was doing fine and had a good time for the first couple of hours but then I completely lost my state and starting o judge myself and every interaction and just kept spiraling down. It wasn't until Tiesto came on that I got back into state when I just said "fuck it, I'm just going to enjoy the night and have a good time now, I don't care about anything else" and after that things just kept rolling. I ended up dancing with a bunch of girls at our table and had a really good interaction with a Mexican girl that wanted to come back home with us but one of her friends didn't so we just exchanged contact information instead.

    I'm really excited to talk about my experiences of the night on today's seminar and the few mental observations I made during the night. Talk to you guys tomorrow.

    Day 5

    Day 5 of rockstar was an interesting experience. We went through the entire model of the flawless natural curriculum or whatever its called. The foundation that Rockstar and the 10-day program is built on. it's not really a complicated model and it's quite easy to understand how it all works. I have no experience of any other model really so I have nothing to compare it to but I'm pretty sure everyone else agrees.

    We also ended up doing the breathing exercise again and just like the day before a lot of emotions came up. A lot of anger that I haven't really dealt with. This put me in a weird state before we went out and I didn't really feel like I would enjoy the night that much. But I decided to do my best and had a few really good interactions at the start of the night but around midnight I completely lost the state. I considered going home but one of my rockstar brothers convinced me to stay for another hour or so. So I got into the mindset that fuck it I'll stay even if I feel miserable. After a while, I just ended up hiding on the dance floor until another of my rockstar brothers came along who was in a great state.

    He saw that I was struggling and gave me a helping hand and got me started again by opening these two girls standing right in front of me. they looked amazing and I ended up dancing and making out with one of the girls pretty much for the rest of the night until they had to leave because of an early flight. I've got quite a bit of feedback since telling me that I could have taken that I could probably have taken that girl home way earlier but this is all still new to me so it will be interesting to see how this escalates.

    Day 6

    Day 6 was our first day not going out, and the day we started to focus entirely on the inner game. During the seminars, we did also get into depth conversation and how you can use that to create a connection with whoever you're interacting with in life and in the nightclub. I thought I was pretty good at depth but realized very soon that I had quite a bit to go, and since depth in relationships is something I really want to improve on I found this to be a great insight and lesson.

    Once again we did the breathing exercise that we been doing for the last two days and this time I ended up feeling a great sense of pride. It was a nice change from the earlier days where I've mostly been feeling sadness, pain, and anger. We also ended up having a huge circle of vulnerability where we all got into talking about our greatest pains in life and how they have affected us to this day.

    It's extremely fascinating to see how every single one almost is struggling with some heavy problems and that often times our problems aren't as unique to us as we like to think. Often times there is a common theme and it's nice to know that we are not alone with these problems. Throughout the week, we are going to learn how to let go and start healing our soul and I'm really looking forward to that.

    Day 7

    Day 7 we really started to get deeper into inner game and spirituality. I myself am not a very spiritual person but I've had some experiences from experimenting with drugs as some people like to phrase it that stuck with me so I always try to stay openminded and the same thing applied for yesterday.

    yesterday was the day of the final breathing exercise that we were building up to and prepare for and let me tell you it was something absolutely amazing. I never felt so in tune with my body before. Andrew talks a lot about how life is not supposed to be lived in our mind but in our bodies and that's what we're really here to learn. It sounds like a super complex idea but yesterday I got to really feel what that felt like and it was amazing. The only way I could describe it (and words don't come close to how it felt) was like when you been fighting with your best friend, and you're both furious at each other but for some reason you kind of stumble into each other somewhere and both of you just break down and realise how much you miss each other.

    I had that experience with my mind and my body. for the longest time, if not my entire life I have been living my level in my mind in a logical and quite emotionless state. Yesterday my mind ran into my body and realized I fucking miss you dude and I want you back in my life, and an incredible feeling of love and warmth took over my entire body. It was absolutely incredible. I'm not saying in any way that I'm healed or anything like that, I still have a shitton of stuff to work through but It was quite an experience that's for sure.

  58. #58
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    Day 6, Tuesday, 31 July

    We started going a lot deeper on the internal work today. Andrew started by talking about alumni who had gone through a really difficult time and made it through to the other side and how the difficulty in their journey helped them expand even more and contribute once they got to the other side. He was trying to make the point that all the pain we’ve gone through wasn’t meaningless, and that we’d be served by the pain once we got through to the other side. That really resonated with me because I think I’ve felt that feeling quite intensely before - that all the pain was meaningless, and that made it a lot harder to deal with.

    We had a good discussion on Survival vs. Trust which took us more into the importance of getting into a place of trust/surrender. I have a tendency to think of my mind as the enemy. Andrew suggested that I tell my mind “Thank you for protecting me. I love you. We’re safe. I’m fine” to try to get it to calm down. When he said it for the first time I could immediately feel a lightness come over me. It’s like my mind had been waiting to listen to that and felt a sense of relief once it heard it.

    We then spoke about the masks that we all wear and how we hide behind them, followed by a discussion around the rackets we run on other people and ourselves. The discussion was really helpful because when the concept was explained I couldn’t immediately think of rackets I had run myself. But as the discussion wore on it became clearer that I’d definitely run rackets on my parents as well as myself. I could feel anxiety welling up inside me as I pictured the possibility of having that conversation with my parents.

    We then had a conversation about the model for game and then took a break.

    We had the final breathing session, and one of the rockstars had a major breakthrough, which was great to see! I feel like we’re all opening up slowly. While I intellectually understand how this process should help with getting better with women, I feel like I still have a long road to climb in that area. But I definitely feel like I’m healing slowly, and that might be more valuable regardless of how things turn out wrt ‘game’.

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    Day 7 journal

    I think about fulfillment a lot. Thinking of fulfillment as purely in the bottom of mind seems both interesting and possibly true. What about my previous definition of fulfillment: alignment between values and self-image. Self-image is definitely bottom of mind. Values kind of are as well. There are implicit values for sure (the way you act on auto-pilot), but also explicit ones. Maybe the explicit ones are simply proxies for meeting those deeper needs. Either way, the logical mind (top of mind) seems more like a tool for fulfillment than a source of it. If true, this becomes quite insightful in that certain external things simply can't be necessary values. Like overall impact. Your emotional brain can't process that. Not only that, but it's your ego wanting significance.

    While talking about rackets, this made me think more about my fear of disappointment. The fear is entirely in my head though, because the disappointment that I feel is pretty much never real. This definitely seems like a racket on strangers or people that I don't know well enough. This might be because of my projection of the average person. I do project people to be more judgemental than they are, and this might be because I'm quite judgemental. Where do I go from here? Change my projection of others, change myself, or something else?

    I need to learn to not judge myself. Freedom from self-judgement sounds like a superpower right now - the ability to do anything. Right now I feel lucky enough that none of the physiological stuff is holding me back, so it feels like the bottleneck is me.

    Decided not to go out last night, which made me feel a little bad, but did a fuck ton of bonding with rockstars and instructors.

  60. #60
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    day 8
    Aug 1, 2018
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    ok, learning about sexual tension tonight. i'm still anxious as fuck all the time. i just cant seem to relax around here. it's been hard to interact and that's just me being me. tonight we'll be practicing approaching and then building sexual tension. wish ihad more time to review my notes but still need to clean a bathroom and write my blog. worked out today which was good. extremely tired but trying to stsick it out. i still would much rather be at home i cant deny that. ok, time to find a bathroom to clean

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    PR Journal Day 7: 31-Jul-18 (Tuesday)

    I think there is a trend developing: the more you sleep (short of a full 8 but more than the 5), the more tired you wake. To boot, I was arguably more agitated in my demeanor, and snippety in my interactions with other Rockstars, instead of the usual friendly banter we have right from the AM.

    The other trend developing: I seem to manageto get myself and a few other guys motivated to go to the gym. This felt good and managed to get me a little more awake (but not much). Right after, the usual - back to the mansion, shower, food, and straight into seminar - not even more than 5 minutes to sit and think about anything.

    Last night we did round 3 of the heliotropic breathing. Coupled with the circle of vulnerability, the thought crossed my mind whether it was possible those were the reasons for today’s tiredness and increase level of general agitation. No way to know for sure.

    Today’s seminar progressed to a discussion about Survival vs. Trust. All of this in preparation for a big event tonight - final round of heliotropic breathing. We were asked to give ourselves over to trust and surrender while at the same time balancing that with conquest to make sure we were breathing and squeezing the deepest and hardest we had thus far - I’d like to believe I hit this mark.

    It’s very hard to describe this very personal experience, personal yet shared with all the members of the container. What I’d like to say is that I achieved a new level of “being in my body”, that although might not have been fully spiritual, it definitely left me feeling a connection with the universe and my own body/soul that I had not felt before.

    Since tonight’s exercise ended early (by far the earliest night) at midnight, we had a choice to make: get some rest or go out on an unofficial night.

    The house decided 4 different things to do, so myself and 3 other guys decided we wanted to go to the gym tonight, come back, shower, and eat, so that we could stay up until about 4:30am, in line with an in-field night. This would also be second time I hit the gym, but apparently the heliotropic breathing should allow us to “lift more” - that I did not notice, but this allowed me to workout a second time today (technically it was a new day), and would allow me to do some weekly “maintenance” after the shower, while sleeping in tomorrow.

    After getting back we got to hang out with all the guys (those that went out as well as those that stayed in) and then get to sleep as planned.

  62. #62
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    7/30/18

    was able to get my ass up today for another trip to the gym.

    i was dragging ass today. should've just stayed in today.

    was able to get in a half assed workout, though. so that was something.

    more inner game instruction today.

    really digging deep into our issues.

    the RS instructors (andrew and alex) have really taken the time to really go deep (either through talks, group sharing and meditative breathing) to help us all get through to the root cause of our issues.

    as the instructors like to remind us. we may have come to rockstar for girls, but what we're really getting is something else entirely different. our mental health.

    last session of breatih was tonight.

    quite easily the longest session we've ever had.

    from all 4 sessions, the first one was the deepest and most powerful one.

    it's the one where i really began letting go of my breakup with my ex.

    the subsequent ones have helped me continue the healing journey. but that first one was the most powerful one. the one i needed.

    i'm still not healed, but feel LOADS better!

    the first week here in vegas has been more difficult than it should've been. what with my break up still on my mind.

    but after tonight's last breathing session, i feel hopeful that the worst part is over.

    we'll see tomorrow!

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    Tuesday July 31, 2018

    The last four days we’ve been working with a breathwork technique. I’m really enjoying this experiences. Through them, I’m understanding better the play between conquering and surrendering, and I’m also having brief amazing spiritual experiences. I’ve felt so much peace. I was peace. My whole being was peace. I’ve also felt support and gratitude. I had a conversation with my mind and realized that my mind is with me and not against me. It’s an integral part of me, will support me throughout this transformation in Rockstar and will collaborate with me and my body to achieve great things together in the future. The message of working less with my mind and more with my emotions keeps coming to me. I’m here to learn how to connect emotionally and energetically with others and that will open a lot of doors for me. I feel a big step in this transformation is coming and I’m so ready for it. I’ve been preparing for it physically and spiritually for a while. I can’t wait to unlock my potential. During the last breathwork session today, I went through the sentences of forgiveness and started making my peace with my body and with myself. I’ve endured a lot, I’ve achieved a lot and I have a lot to give to others and to the world. I had a beautiful glimpse of how it feels to love myself.

  64. #64
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    August 1, 2018

    Today we had had the first set of interventions. I had forgotten how intense they were. I really wanna do mine to unlock my masculine energy. We had the seminar on subcomms and body language and went out to “Intrigue” to apply the teachings. The club was full of hot girls. I’m in my head a lot at the beginning and it’s still hard for me to get started and beat the inertia, but I definitely feel I’m getting comfortable with approaching. Not because I’m saying the right things or getting good reactions consistently, but because I’m approaching a lot more sets, following the sacred hour and I’m not judging myself so much anymore, so I’m having more and more fun, I’m caring less about the rejections and I’m getting into state and feeling the flow longer and more often than I ever have without drinking and in this kind of environment. Today I was petrified before going out because we had to practice touching. I pushed myself to execute the teachings and held eye contact, had more proximity than I’m comfortable with and did a few hip pulls and neck grabs. Even though I had a few positive reactions from girls, I wasn’t in a place where I could go for the kiss yet. I will push myself to do it next time. The program is going fast and it’s definitely taking me out of my comfort zone. Some of the guys are going a lot faster than I am. Some make out consistently and some have already fucked. I’m glad they’re progressing quickly. I’m working on not comparing myself to anyone. I’m progressing slowly, but I’ll keep pushing myself. I’ll keep practicing and executing the teachings when we out. I know I’ll get good soon.

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    Day 8 - Wednesday August 1st - Morning

    We had the last breathing session last night. I did not see any images. There was no mystical awakening for me. It was just calm. It was just a clear mind looking into darkness. Sometime I think I saw different variations of colors. Thats about it.

    Although it was not officially a night out some of the Rockstars went out to Omnia along with the alums and 10 day guys. I stated at the house with two other Rockstars and the two house captains enjoying the pool outside.

    They were very open in sharing their Rockstar and instructor stories with us. We just had some fun hanging out talking about military, traveling, post Rockstar traveling, etc. I felt great to be able to just relax for one night and doing it with really cool people.

    It was great that the instructors shares stories where they had their struggle during Rockstar. For some things didn't start clicking until the third week. For others, logistics became the major challenge. When logistic is your major and only challenge, you are at a great point in your journey when it comes to game.

  66. #66
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    Hello everyone, my name is Mehendi and I was accepted into Project Rockstar this year. I'm 29 years old and I'm in a spot where I was something more out of life. I'm not a fan of being stuck where I am and I know I need to make a huge change in my life. I don't go out enough to meet women so I'm a little nervous about this journey, but it's something that I know I need to go through. I rarely have time to talk to girls, but realistically, I'm scared to approach girls. I can't wait for these next 9 weeks and see where I come out to.

    I am a little late getting my blog posted so I'll post the first 8 days here and try to post everyday.

    Day 1

    It felt weird meeting all the instructors and alumni at the Project Rockstar house. I’ve seen pictures of them online and their Youtube videos and seeing them in front of me was surreal. They were all down to earth guys and I didn’t feel as if I was below them. They were all welcoming and nice. We had an introduction and everyone shared their backgrounds and stories. It was kind of funny to hear it because majority of the stuff that I heard about their external and internal problems were all relatable to me.

    Later that night, we all let out our deepest issues about what has been bothering us on the inside and I really felt for the rest of the guys. Everyone is hurting about something and they are all on this program was a reason. I can see how this can make all of us close to each other.


    Day 2

    Last night was the first night we went out to a club in Las Vegas. We had no expectations that night in terms of doing anything. My goal was just to open one girl that night and it happened within the first 5 minutes of entering the club. It didn’t go anywhere, but it was a great starter to talk to more girls for the next hour. It felt amazing just to talk to a girl for a few minutes. Pretty low expectations, but I was scared and nervous last night. I talked to 4 or 5 girls, but they all went nowhere. My momentum stopped and I ended up in a place where I could not approach anyone. I got so much anxiety. I was told that there were no expectations tonight, but I still wanted to do better than I did. I was also exhausted from the day of some awesome gun shooting in the desert. It was a blast, but my exhaustion really showed in the club that night. I asked one of the instructors that I was tired and how are we expected to do this for one more month in Las Vegas. All he said was, “Good.” What does that even mean? On to day 2…

    Day 3

    Day 3 was the start of the 10 day program. I’ve heard great reviews from everyone I have talked to about this program. I was excited and nervous when the seminar was about to start. We had 10 day students and past alumni join us for the next 10 days. The concepts were absolutely eye-opening and everything made sense when I was in the seminar. I’ve read tons of self help books, but this was very different. The energy of the room was very different as well. I’m very curious how the next 9 days on this program will go.

    I’m expected to approach approach and approach. On top of that, I’m expected to get blown out. I was scared and feeling my heart pound as we were walking to the club. I go in and do exactly what the instructors tell me. Surprisingly, when I go in trying to get blown out and not really trying in the conversations, they went longer. There were so many awkward phases of just standing there since we weren’t allowed to leave until they did. Eventually, it started to become less awkward and it felt much easier to approach. There were a few times where I did not approach as I should have so I still need to work on this. I probably talked to more girls last night in a club than I have ever done sober. I didn’t think I could survive after last night, but now I feel like I know I can approach. Now I feel a little better knowing I can apply the material that I am thought. This was the first time I have enjoyed going out to a club sober. I never thought that was possible.

    Quick takeaway from today:

    It felt smooth when I just didn't care about the result. I just said what I felt and it felt more real. The girls loved it even when I said I didn't like something instead of agreeing and trying. It's all new to process right now but I like it.

    Last night, one girl told me I looked very confident. That compliment felt absolutely amazing to hear at the time. I preferred to hear that than having sex. Which is bizarre.

    Day 4

    We did some intense breathing exercises yesterday and it really brought up some deep issues that I felt. I cried quite a bit during that, but I felt a little burden was lifted off my shoulders. I saw myself wanting to belong. I saw myself trying to fit in everywhere. I’m not sure why that came up, but it did.

    Last night, we went to Hakkasan and our goal was to just get in state. The first hour we had to interact with every single person without slowing down. It just felt very awkward doing that with random people, but somehow I get to this level where I was having a fun time chatting with everyone. I ended up dancing in the middle of a crowded dancing floor with an Asian family trying to see how low we could go. I would never had done that sober or with drinks really. At one point, I had a girl wanting to buy me shots. I opened many pretty girls, but I could not talk to them for more than a few minutes as I had to keep moving.

    The club started getting really packed and the dance floor became even more tighter to navigate. Eventually, I moved back to the bar area, but I was already out of state. I could not approach or interact with anyone. I kept getting excuses in my head about how stupid I looked if I did. The rest of the night went to absolute shit because of it. It was just difficult to get back into state mostly because I couldn’t hear anyone I tried approaching. I’m not a fan of this club.

    Day 5

    We learned conversation models and it showed how the interactions go with girls. It’s so simple, yet it makes so much sense. I can think about all the interactions that I’ve had with girls in the past few days and they all fall in that model. Whether it is good or bad, everything fell on that model. We learned a little about masculinity and feminine energy and how they worked. We had our second breathing exercise yesterday and this time, I felt independent. It felt as though some chains were broken and I was free. I felt so light and alive for a few seconds. I saw a face that was looking at me and smiling. I’ve never felt that before.

    Last night was an amazing night. I didn’t get laid or anything, but my interactions were fun. Everyone I talked to was very friendly and the conversations were fun with a little bit of flirt sprinkled in. The best set I had was with this blonde and we were really vibing together. Lot’s of role playing, flirt, and fun. We really started getting close and had our hands on each other. It actually gave me a boner in the middle of the conversation. I started to think about another Rockstar who had this same problem as me. Anyways, I’m about to ask her to come with me to the table so I could talk to her more and see where it leads. She tells her ugly drunk friend that she is leaving with me to our table. The friend comes up to me and starts to kiss me and trying to shove her tongue down my throat. WTF? I pull myself back and I’m standing there confused. The blonde just walks away and I’m just confused at what happened. I walk away disgusted at her and upset at what happened.

    Overall, I can see improvement in myself, but that’s because I was too scared to approach in the past so I had little to no experience. I can hold girls and have fun conversations if they stick in the conversation. An alum told me that I need to be more bold when I go in to talk to girls. I will focus on this as well as the day’s assignment and see what happens. I cannot wait.

    Day 6

    Yesterday, we had debriefs from the night before. The Project Rockstar alumni from last year have been phenomenal. They gave so much insights and knowledge about interactions that it made things so much clearer. I wish we were going out tonight so I could practice what I was told. It’s really nice to have instructors and alumni who really care about the growth of this year’s class. They really want us to succeed so we can all reach the point that we all want to achieve.


    Day 7

    I’m starting to feel the effects of Project Rockstar now. I’m so tired during seminar and going out at night are starting to take a toll on me. It’s going to be difficult to keep getting through Vegas. I know I’ll get through it since the other Rockstars pump up my energy and help me get through each day.

    The breathing exercises are getting more and more deeper. I can’t tell if I’m getting into my body or not, but I felt happiness and peaceful. It felt addictive and I wanted to stay in that moment for a long time. We need the last breathing exercise today and it became really intense. Towards the end, I saw something within me that felt so pure. It’s going to sound stupid when people will read this blog, but it was something that I was communicating with. I just felt happy to see it and knowing that I’m not alone. Very weird experience.

    Day 8

    Yesterday, the seminar was about going as deep as possible into 5 guys’ past. It got so intense and I couldn’t believe how much those guys were hurting internally. I’m sure even they did not know it either. Honestly, I’m kind of scared when it’s going to be my turn. After their turn, each of those 5 guys exuded this aura where they looked more at peace with themselves. They looked more like a man with a purpose. I know their demeanor changed completely.

    The goal tonight was the practice our subcoms and push until we get blown out. I got blown out on some of the sets and I felt it was going to be a crap night. Another Rockstar really helped me get into a set and I was able to get my state up. The touching and everything we learned in seminar were really powerful. The girls were all touchy with me and everything felt natural. They were really into me and I loved the feeling. A Rockstar and I were close to a foursome, but I messed it up by really gaming her girl towards the end of the set and kissing her. I was overthinking the set and I thought he wanted my girl so I was happy to switch for him. Turns out it was just a miscommunication that we will need to work through. I feel bad and I’ll use this opportunity as a learning experience.

  67. #67
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    August 1st, 2018 Day 8
    There three more weeks in Vegas! Our time here is going to go so fast. I feel like I am settling into a routine of not getting enough sleep. But I sleep until I wake up each day. I am typing this at 8:30 am after going and resting until 4:30 am. This will likely catch up to me at , and I expect to crash hard. I have this feeling that my mind is working in overdrive in the background to process all the information that has been coming at us this past week. Whether it is don't have the time or the energy.
    Last nights breathing session I had the experience of being brought in and walking with a pride of lions during one of the rounds. Then another round I felt my energy trying to connect with other Rockstars in the room. I think it kinda tripped out the other Rockstar. During my final round, I went to a place of stillness. It was just me and this orb that seemed like pure energy. What I felt as if it was my mind just there. We had a conversation where I said I love you to my mind. And it felt like we made peace. Even if it was for a moment. This morning my meditation was noticeably different. My breathing was more calm, and my mind didn't race as much. It seemed just to be more at ease. I had a feeling of calm during the mediation similar to seeing or being at sunset.

    Last night was another fun night out. Being able to get into state is the base for everything that we do. My primary focus will be to work to this and have fun every evening we are out. Other than that then nothing can be set.

  68. #68
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    Day 7, Wednesday, 1 August

    The day was very different from all previous days. Andrew had said that the mission of this program was to help men heal. We’d spent the previous days bringing issues to the surface and today the program switched to the healing process.

    I’ve never quite seen anything like it. I didn’t know what to expect when the first guy went up to do a one on one conversation. I could feel his nervousness and my own at the beginning but as the process started to unfold that switched to a deep sense of empathy as each of the guys started to express things they’d kept bottled up inside for years. I was in tears during the first one, and felt myself tearing up for each of the subsequent ones as well. It’s rare to see such an expression of pure emotion. And while a lot of the underlying issues were ugly, almost by definition, seeing these emotions expressed fully, without hesitation and without processing them first through the filter of the mind, was beautiful in it’s own way. I don’t know what my own process is going to be like - it’ll be sometime next week - and I don’t know what impact such a process will have downstream in our lives. But I do get what this program is about now. And it’s as far away from any pick-up bootcamp as it could be.

    We had a short time to go over body language and sub-communications. I could feel my anxiety welling up inside me even as they were explaining it. This is clearly an area that I’ve been way too scared to explore myself. When they told us our assignment for the evening my heartbeat went through the roof! It’s exactly what I had been fearing since the start of rockstar. It felt so far outside my comfort zone that I had no idea how I was going to do it.

    I had a word with one of the in house instructors about my anxiety, and that really helped calm me down. But as we left the house for the club that night I was clearly in my head thinking about what lay ahead instead of having fun.

    I was in the line for the club with one of the alumni and started to loosen up a bit. When I walked in I was still in my head. During the night itself I started the process - the golden hour - and started to have fun without even realising it. I definitely pushed my own boundaries with proximity, eye contact and touch, though I couldn’t bring myself to push even further to do everything the instructors had told us to try.

    On the positives, the earlier lessons from the program seem to be hitting home - I had a lot of fun and banter came a lot more easily to me once I got into state.

    I’ll give myself some credit for pushing my boundaries and trying stuff I’ve never tried before - be gentle on yourself was the feedback we’d gotten. But I also know I didn’t push as much as I could, and that’s something I’ll need to work out through the coming days and week. This is going to be challenging!

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    Day 8 journal

    Not going out really drained my energy. It's kind of weird. I had a super chill and relaxing night but it still had me drained the next day. Was woken up by roommate watching stuff too, so I was up a little earlier than I would have liked. This tiredness was reflected during the interventions where I was half falling asleep, which I regret.

    Talking about body language, they said "you should be blowing thresholds every day" in order for us to calibrate ourselves. Made me realize I wasn't really doing that. I might have a bit for normal and funny conversation, but could've done it more. Actually, reading what I just wrote made me feel a little better. Those were what we were supposed to work on so far in the first place. TRUST IN THE PROCESS.

    ---- went out ----

    I had a pretty awesome night. Sure it could have been better, but the way I see it is that there are 3 axes of improvement in each of these skills: depth, speed, and variety. Depth from going very far outside of your comfort zone, speed from doing it faster than you have before, and variety from doing it with new people. Last night I did well on depth but poorly on the other two. Spent a lot of time with one person and really tried to push the boundaries, and I got to do basically everything I could think of. It was nuts.

    On a meta-point, I feel really good about the process. I feel like I'm consistently making progress and getting the light grasps on what I need to get light grasps on. As an additional point, the things that I thought I had mental barriers with (as part of who I am) just seem to be normal comfort barriers (and not part of who I am). That makes me feel pretty powerful.

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    day 8
    Aug 1, 2018
    wed

    ok, learning about sexual tension tonight. i'm still anxious as fuck all the time. i just cant seem to relax around here. it's bee.0n hard to interact and that's just me being me. tonight we'll be practicing approaching and then building sexual tension. wish ihad more time to review my notes but still need to clean a bathroom and write my blog. worked out today which was good. extremely tired but trying to stsick it out. i still would much rather be at home i cant deny that. ok, time to find a bathroom to clean.

    addendum: my mentor sent us a video about sexual tension and masculinity. thank gawd. i need to email him. he has been a godsend to us. thx G. we're going to another place at encore/wynn tonight. at least i'm getting more comfortable and used to that place. An instructor sent us a document about it also, sexual tension. I haven’t had a chance to read it but my mentor said it was really good so hopefully today.

    Did some cool stuff today regarding the inner game and working on our core. Brought out some strong emotions in people that’s for sure.

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    Day 9 - Thursday Morning August 2nd - Morning

    Activities & Group Highlight - Intervention/ Body language and Sub Communication
    The intervention started on yesterday (Wednesday) with 5 of the 10 day guys. It was powerful stuff. I felt so tired the entire time. Every time someone would do their intervention I just felt so tired and drained. The moment they break out of their shell and scream at the top of their lunges, “I AM A FUCKING MAN”, I found myself feeling fully engaged, charged and happy. I think it is partly the energy that we all share to help one another during these intervention as well as it is just fucking fun to see someone break out of their prison/ shell that they have been in all their life right in front of your eyes.

    We had a brief session on body language and sub communication. I look forward to getting more feedback on this from the instructors during infield. I remembered and was able to practice lots of the moves during my infield but will definitely need to review the material/ video again. That is one thing that I feel we don’t have much time for. We do the daily sessions, absorb some of the information and then practice some infield. However, our busy schedule doesn’t allow us much time to review the materials.

    We went out to Intrigue nightclub that was in the Wynn. It was smaller than the other clubs we have been to so far. Marshmallow was playing so it definitely drew a good crowd. We had an awesome night where everyone made great progress and ended up getting some pizza with other Rockstars and alums and had a blast.

    Progress on Being a Gift to Women

    Sacred Hour - Checked - I was high fiving people. Talking to people. Making cold approaches way way way before stepping foot in the door.
    Fun - Checked - Having embodied the philosophy of fun early on in Rockstars. Completing the sacred hour help compound and prepare my mental state for fun.
    Conversation - Some of my conversations initially were normal. After the Sacred Hour and several approaches, I was able to create conversations that went from Normal, Flirting, Depth and then Sexual. These initial wider conversations were chunky for sure, but I felt great talking like that. The girls loved it even though it is currently coming out clunky.
    Depth - Andrew taught us how to apply the proper filter to the contents of our lives when speaking about ourselves. I was able to talk about our “Entrepreneurship Group” being vegas with feelings, showing value and being authentic when I spoke. The girls loved it.
    Body Language/ Sub Comm - Checked - We literally just learned this today. I think I have pretty good posture and presence when I am out. However, I found myself just being more cognizant about it last night.
    Eye contact - Yep. I have been working on that these past years. The only adjustment I had to make is to look into her left eye vs. her right.
    Proximity - Yes. I was able to get pretty close to several of the girls I spoke with last night.
    Touch - Yes. Hand holding, touching shoulders, elbows and the back of her neck. Going in close to talk pass her ears. Did all that and got better through the night.

    I will work on some of the other touching moves which will get more in tune with my conversations. I will push for kisses early in the conversation and some of the other touching next infield.

    Inner & Masculinity Growth

    The seeds have been planted. The rapid growth is happening beneath the surface. The intervention and technique I saw today were very inspirations and empowering. I felt it to my core. I hope the other Rockstars felt it too.

  72. #72
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    (Updated) Day 8 journal: 5th night out

    Not going out really drained my energy. It's kind of weird. I had a super chill and relaxing night but it still had me drained the next day. Was woken up by roommate watching stuff too, so I was up a little earlier than I would have liked. This tiredness was reflected during the interventions where I was half falling asleep, which I regret.

    Talking about body language, they said "you should be blowing thresholds every day" in order for us to calibrate ourselves. Made me realize I wasn't really doing that. I might have a bit for normal and funny conversation, but could've done it more. Actually, reading what I just wrote made me feel a little better. Those were what we were supposed to work on so far in the first place. TRUST IN THE PROCESS.

    ---- went out ----

    I had a pretty awesome night. Sure it could have been better, but the way I see it is that there are 3 axes of improvement in each of these skills: depth, speed, and variety. Depth from going very far outside of your comfort zone, speed from doing it faster than you have before, and variety from doing it with new people. Last night I did well on depth but poorly on the other two. Spent a lot of time with one person and really tried to push the boundaries, and I got to do basically everything I could think of. It was nuts.

    On a meta-point, I feel really good about the process. I feel like I'm consistently making progress and getting the light grasps on what I need to get light grasps on. As an additional point, the things that I thought I had mental barriers with (as part of who I am) just seem to be normal comfort barriers (and not part of who I am). That makes me feel pretty powerful.

    I also spent a lot of time with someone kind-of-sort-of winging. I spent over an hour with someone who I was meh on. It was great practice for sure, but definitely someone I didn't feel bad about losing. The guy I was winging was very very into his girl, so I was trying to do him a favor, but it was somewhat slow. I was hoping he'd try to take her home so that I could ditch mine and he wasn't really pushing. He eventually tried, failed, so I tried to get my girl to come back with me so we could take em back as a pair, but that didn't work either. Last night, I told myself that there was nothing I could do other than maybe having more alcohol to make things a little more fun, but I realized that this wasn't true. I tried everything physically, but energetically I think she knew I wasn't super into her. Lesson learned.

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    Day 9
    Aug 2, 2018
    Thurs

    people deciding if we want to go to hakkasan or encore beach club. personally i'd rather go to EBC. hakkasan was so damn loud. i like the atmosphere better at EBC. easier to approach i think. last time i met some girls but it was so damn loud i could barely hear her. and she had an irish accent so that made it even harder. I mean, it’s hard enough as it is. But then when you’ve got a thick accent, loud music, ear plugs, then it’s even harder. I don’t understand how people communicate in that place. Maybe my new high fidelity ear plugs will work better. I guess we’ll see.

    Learnt about boldness today. Cool seminar. Then a few more intervention exercises. Got some goo dreactions out of a couple of people. Real good. I miss being home. I miss my house. I miss my bed. I miss my couch and chair and computer. I miss my office. I miss my staff. I miss my patients. I miss all of that. I still want to go home. Stil laving a hard time fitting in. felt good this morning. Not so much now. But I’m trying. I’m trying to break 3 decades of habits.

  74. #74
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    8/1/18

    big day today. and night.

    day time: we took time to have 5 of us (all 10 day-ers since they're all gone in a few days) to sit down individually with andrew
    and really dig DEEP into their respective pain.

    as eye opening as this past week has been, in terms of sharing our pain and possible sources of it, these individual chats
    with andrew seem to cut even deeper.

    andrew has mentioned that we as men hardly ever open up like this with anyone, much less to other men.

    as touching and personal as these moments have been, they've also been slightly jarring, because yeah i agree, i'm not
    fully comfortable (at least in the first minute) to fully share all my thoughts/emotions/pain.

    as for the night.

    our mission was to kiss as many girls as we could. all while practicing sexual sub-comms (ie, direct eye contact, proximity and touching. lots and LOTS of touching)

    i went for it with 4 different girls

    no success, but i was able to escalate (somewhat clunkily) to the point that i was going for it. it felt "on" with all of these girls. and the funny thing is that NONE of them slapped me nor ran away.

    they just stayed there in my arms/space enjoying the moment. seemingly waiting for me to try again and to fail again, haha.

    there's a deeper truth in this exercise that i will explore when i continue trying again tomorrow.

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    PR Journal Day 8: 1-Aug-18 (Wed)

    Although I woke up at 10am (having gone to sleep at ~5am), I was quickly able to go back to bed and keep sleeping until 11:45 - very nice feeling to be able to sleep in since I did today’s workout last night before going to bed.

    In the AM I Was also able to take advantage of the extra time to do some stock trading (Las Vegas is annoyingly 3 hours behind EST, so trading happens between 6:30am and 1pm, pretty much hours we sleep and go to the gym), laundry, and be on time for a Rockstar only meeting about our 2-week road trip. We discussed some options and we’re pretty sure our party destination is between Ibiza and Mykonos.

    Today’s debrief went right into a special new exercise which we have all fondly begun referring to as “interventions”. That name is misleading tho as the intervention is very much a healing experience that gets guys in touch with very buried emotions, puts them into their bodies, and allows them to get in touch with their masculine energy. For some of us, we may have not been in touch with that for a very long time of ever. Currently, only the 10-day students will get this experience, the Rockstars just participate as part of the container.

    Today’s seminar focused on and introduced the concept of boldness + sub-communication (cub-comms). Some very powerful stuff that we were immediately told we will use in field tonight and that the expectation is that we will get blown out 8 times out of 10 if we do the exercise right.

    Tonight’s infield was at Intrigue in the Wynn Hotel and luckily enough we get another world class dj spinning beats tonight - Marshmello!

    Summary of the night:
    The good: the first 2 hours of the night, I seem to have been completely in state as before I knew it, Marshmellow was on the stage at 1am! However, I thought most of my approaches lacked the extreme boldness asked of this exercise.
    Needs improvement: after talking to the instructors and a few of the alumni, I need to focus on just doing bold approaches - the few I did at the end of the night were fantastic - both fantastic blow outs as well as some fantastic connections (the stripper at the end of the night had the best reaction)
    Work on next time: at least a solid hour of bold approaches, followed by a solid hour of being to touchy

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    August 2nd, 2018
    Yesterday we went over some more exercise to help people deal with issues that are at the bottom of the mind. It was some pretty profound stuff. It is just a lesson that all of us are carrying around things that are holding us back.
    I felt like my night out wasn't the best. And the lesson from this is getting into state feels like the only goal every night. Without it, nothing else really matters. While I was able almost to get there I was never able to get there totally. With all of this stuff, I will keep pushing through. The debrief session was helpful. I find that I beat myself up when I don't have the best night. But the instructors understand what we are going through. I felt lifted up after the session. Although I hadn't performed everything to the level, I would have liked I did give it an honest effort. But my mind was able to win out for that evening.

    It is the worst feeling when you can sense yourself spinning out of state. You can feel it. And logically know what to do, and it still doesn't matter. You can be aware of the web your mind has created, and it always will paralyze you and keep you from right action.

    What I love about Rockstar is the pace of the program. You are doing so much that you realize no approach matters. It is a process to get there though. And this first week has been our journey to that lesson. Our schedule is insane. I wake up at 10 am then go to the gym. We have seminar from 2 pm until almost 9 pm most days. Eat as quickly as possible then. It is time to get ready and go out until 4 in the morning. Sleep, rinse and repeat. In doing all this I am not tired (at least not at the moment). My body has accepted the new rhythm. This is just another case in one of the foundational lessons of surrender.

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    First day of PR 2018 and I cant believe Im here with all these like minded guys. We got to together a couple days before arriving to the house and exchanged a few stories about why we’re here. At the house we had formal introductions of the rockstars, instructors and alumni and there nothing but comoradere of all involved.
    In the evening we experienced something called the circle of vulnerability were each rockstar took a turn and shared something never shared with anyone before. After the circle of vulnerability, I feel a stronger connection between the rockstars, that they know more about me than people I've known for decades. I recognize this mansion as a safe place to express my feelings. I feel I can openly discuss my problem areas and know that I will be supported by my fellow rockstars. I am happy I went through the exercise.

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    Day 2,

    Went and fired some guns in the middle of the desert and had a blast. Spent time with fellow rockstars but feel I didn't bring as much fun as I wanted.

    I am feeling anxious about going out tonight even though the instructors have told us that they expect nothing and I’m just to have fun. Though the negative thoughts I have are how will I bring a girl back to the mansion, or will I ever bring a girl back? Will I be the only rockstar not to pull in Vegas? These thoughts are poison and only bring me into my head and make me doubt myself.

    We had a alumni meeting in the afternoon which I found very informative. They explained what we’re about to experience in a very positive way and gave a tonne of positive vibes. They’re fun as all hell and it would be great if I could continue a friendship with any one of them.

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    August 3rd, 2018
    We did another exciting exercise yesterday evening before going out. It was again something to help us get from top of mind until the bottom mind. So far Rockstar has been a journey into the mind. Into the mind, in a way to learn how to effectively deal with that tool that has done so much to help us survive. We need to learn how to manage our minds. Andrew has joked that we all were given a bait and switch. You come to Rockstar to learn how to bang chicks only to have the primary focus be interventions and topics on how the mind works.
    In reality, the mind stuff is what I came to get out of Rockstar. I felt like something was missing from my core that was missing. And Rockstar was going to be part of the journey to help me rediscover that missing part. The group was split last night between going to Hakassan and Encore Beach Club. While EBC was going to be a great time as it was alums bday. I chose to go to Hakassan as I didn't have a good time there our first night. And getting back on the horse as soon as possible to get over a perceived issue. This strategy worked. I had a perfect time at Hakassan. I still find it amazing this is being done with no alcohol whatsoever.

    We are currently working on going bold and active sub comms. I still have a light grip on them. But I can see that these are the keys to leading the interaction to a place where there is tension between the female. When you get it right, it feels so good. It just feels right deep down. You can also sense when the interaction has gone friends zone. Which in itself is a lesson to learn.

    Notes from Hakassan:
    Still feel like I am running out of things to say. While working on sub comms and being bold, I am going to practice just talking about any and fucking everything. I need to get to a place where I can talk, joke and shoot the shit. With practice, I will get there.

    Can't believe it has already been a week. This thing is moving so fast. The train is leaving the station.

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    Day 3,

    Don't feel very good about how I didn't push as hard as I wanted to during the pool party at Encore. Feel like I have low energy when I approached and did not appear bold at all. On a few occasions I froze and didn't say anything.

    All-in-all I didn’t have a bad night because of the number of women I approached this one night exceeded the whole year to-date. Sure the interactions were clunky, a little awkward and basically made myself look like fool, but atleast I pushed to get over my anxiety.

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    Day 4,

    Yesterday's approach anxiety was present in the beginning, but by the end of the second set, the fear was barely noticable. We went in with the intention of begin blow out with dry conversation and experiencing how it felt. I felt like I could approach almost anyone and the conversation really was irrelevant. We could talk about the most mundane things, but the were able to remain in the set. It didn't feel that bad to be blown out.
    The second half we had to bring the energy and just be fun without any sexual intent being communicated. To only come from a place of fun and experience our emotions. Admittedly, this was harder than I thought as I wasn't able to respond with quick wit as I usually can. I was attracted to the women I was speaking to, and was trying to be just slightly more energetic than them, but I was unable to get into the flow. I learnt more from the 1st exercise and will probably try to work a little tonight. 1000/10 for everything!!!
    For the end of the night , I tried to attract as many women as I could, but only got as far as the conversations and never succeed in escalating sexually.

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    Day 5,

    Embraced the sacred hour and tried to be social as possible. Found it very challenging, but in retrospect, it was actually much easier than dry blowouts. Pin-balling between people, and being as fun as I felt good, but I only recognized it as such when I stopped worrying about every set I approached. I was constantly preoccupying myself with approach anxiety and neglecting the rush of positive energy I was leaving people with. It felt liberating and even though all the conversations to that point were short and unconcerned with outcome. I feel I came get into state, but it takes effort by having quick opening back-to-back and focusing on the positive energy.
    While in state, I went to the table and danced for forty-five minutes with zero inhibitions. Not something I‘ve ever done before. I tried to mimic a fellow rockstar whose always dancing when moving point A to B and came into my own.
    I feel proud of my rockstars for how much theyève achieved so quickly and am proud to know them.

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    Day 6,

    The night began by trying to quick approaches and pin-ball between sets. I was overwhelmed with approach anxiety as I was concerned with the outcome of each interaction. A couple of the alumni went out of their way to help me get out of my head, and eventually (after 3.5 hours) I got out of my head and started to have fun. Learnt that everybody gets into their mind and have to make an effort to push themselves into the body and just have fun. Had numerous blowouts and some good interactions. Depending how you look look at the night, I found myself laughing numerous times and even though I didn't push my boundaries as hard as I wanted, I didn't give-up and felt I made progress.

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    Day 7,

    What stands most this day is that after the seminar, all those under the tutelage of the rockstar program went through circle of vulnerability of sorts. We sat in a circle and took turns around the room explaining our background, what we thought we needed out of the programs, and the discoveries we made of what we actually need become more emotionally rounded and reclaim our masculine. I discovered that all of us have good intentions, but sometimes appear differently based on the environment we were raised and our upbringing. We have had some experience as a child that facilitated us to shutdown some of our emotions, while trying to make sense of the world around us and fit-in. A very eye-opening experience that brought us all even closer.

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    Day 8,

    Today was the final group deep breathing exercise where we all surrender to our subconscious and experience whatever emotion or event that emerges. Many of those that did not experience anything in the previous three sessions had seemed to discover something about themselves. I for one only dreamt this time and after waking, barely remembered my vision. All I recall was watching one of my rockstar brothers emptying out the trash can, looking out me and the other rockstars. It felt good.
    My previous three experiences of the holotropic breathwork were all positive as well. The first ending with deep empathy for all the people around me and for everyone I’d ever come across in my life. It concluded with the feeling that everything will always turn out alright, not great, not bad, just conclude the way its suppose to. The second session gave me to significant moment; one the feeling of extremely powerful and then later, that of me dying and returning to the universe as dust and having the feeling of euphoria. I’d never felt so content in all my life as I did them, realizing that everything around us, everything we experience and everything we feel is temporary. A time always comes that renders everything temporary. My third experience had me going in and out of consciousness multiple times. Everytime I woke was when my body took in a breathe. I was surprised each time this happened, thinking “oh, I’m breathing” and knowing that I was not controlling the breathing at all and it just took place. I emerging for the event, I felt only took in breath six or seven times in a span of five minutes and was very relaxed and content.

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    Day 9,

    The venue was much smaller but ferociously packed. I found it easier to get into state, especially with friends just shooting the shit opening everything that comes our way. I got out of my head very early on and tried to escalate active subcomms as quickly as possible. I’m still surprised at what the girls would allow just after introducing myself. Admittedly, I wasn't able to make much physical contact with the women I opened, but made progress with the ones I was winging. This shows me Im not opening well enough to get to the point where they’re receptive to physical contact. I will try to be more flirty to generate attraction moving forward. The nighted ended on a high and I had an unbelievable amount of fun despite my setbacks. It’s true what the alumi and instructors say with regard to being blind to personal progress while everyone around you is growing in leaps and bounds. I know I'm growing, but don't see the changes and so I trust in the program that I am moving forward. It helps that I feel pride in the progress of my brothers and try to voice it as frequently as possible in the hopes that it will boost their confidence and their development accelerates exponentially.

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    8/2/18

    hit up the gym today.

    feel "productive" when i get my day started lifting some weights.

    going through the routine of gym time followed by rushing back to the house gets me going.

    but, i have to really convince myself that i'm NOT here in vegas to workout. well, partly yes. but not the main reason i'm here.

    i'm here to learn as much game as possible, and to work through my issues. and if i take away from that by spending 2 hrs in the gym, then i'm doing myself a HUGE disservice!

    i think i can commit to a gym sesh every other day. which is what i'm going to have to do in order to get more out of rockstar.

    i'll reassess as i go along.

    daytime: 4 more 10 day student deep dive sessions.

    as i mentioned yesterday, these moments have become predictable in the sense that i'm starting to see the course of human emotions a little better. just as i'm starting to see the buildup of a girl's energy/interest/attraction/disinterest/etc while i'm gaming her.

    the night out was ok-to-good.

    the class had a choice between encore beach club and hakkassan.

    i don't really like hakkassan (since it's the loud, crowded, intimidating type of club that i've grown to despise all my life). and since i know that, i also know that it's the kind that i have to conquer.

    prepared myself for entry: ear plugs!

    my first hour or so were nothing special. just a ton of blowouts waiting to hit that magical state i've been craving. haven't really gotten into the kind of state i'd gotten into years ago, and i'm missing that. it's been so long since i've achieved that level of state that i'm wondering if i still have it in me. or maybe i just need to keep going out until i get that swerve back. we'll continue seeing.

    best interaction of the night. approach #10. 2 canadian girls (why oh why canadian?!). the girl i hit up gave me a bit of a bitch shield. but, as it always seems to happen while warming up, i was able to lock in to this one immediately.

    strong eye contact.

    immediate hand holding and dragging to me (touching and proximity).

    these have gotten so much easier to do. in fact, these types of movements almost, nay, they DO feel natural now. see a girl. approach that girl. grab said girl's hand, pull to me, whisper in her ear and get that vibe going.

    with this girl it went so well, escalated so quickly, that her sister came over to me and whispered in my ear how amazing i was to her sister. prior to this i was feeling ok. but, as soon as her sister told me this, i put so much pressure on myself that i got WAY too into my head.

    i freaked the f*ck out and ejected. such a puss move. got in my head for the next hour and took quite some time to get myself going again.

    the rest of the night was about building my state back up again and really trying to let go of the outcome and just have fun.

    which is what i did every now and then.

    the goal is to keep focusing on just having fun. 1000/10!

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    Day 9 journal: 6th night out

    Additional positive of day 8: I led someone around the club for the first time and did some pair dancing: progress!

    Last night felt like a 1 step forward, 2 steps back kind of night. I approached, did stuff, talked to people and connected, which is definitely progress, but it felt like I did a lot of the stuff I wanted to do worse. The win was that I'd say I was slightly more bold on approaches and more focused on them than previous nights. Everything else felt like an area of improvement though, even compared to previous nights. I felt like I had a little less fun, had less flirty conversation, booty-bumped less, didn't try to kiss anyone, didn't approach boldly, and didn't push body language. (edit: when writing that, I realized I did play with body language a bit - didn't push boundaries, but did learn).

    edit: another thing I realized I did well yesterday was noticing the negative passive sub-comms and correcting them

    Upon further reflection, it also seems like it's better to avoid the pool / dancefloor if not with someone. That may not be completely true, but true for the state I'm in with approaching. I'd like to adopt the mindset of "burn the place down" more. Just really focused on getting what I want.

    I think the next thing I want to really focus on is direct approaches.

    I'm also thinking: how can I work harder to make more progress. I'm not sure it's about knowledge, I think it's about practice and execution. I don't think I know everything, but I think I know what I need to to improve. If that's the case, I should be spending more time out and less time on other stuff. I'm wondering how helpful just reading/studying more is. All I know is that I wanna give this 110%.

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    Day 9

    Yesterday was one of my most intense experience when it comes to meditation. We had an hour of intense series of things we had to do. All of this was done to help us get into our bodies. It was painful, but the lesson was to surrender to our bodies and accept the pain. There were moments where I felt I did that and there were moments where my mind took over and told me the pain was too much. Honestly, this was so difficult and the other Rockstars that I talked to agreed with me.

    Tonight, the groups were split between Hakassan and Encore Beach Club. I decided to go to Encore since it was easier to game there than at Hakassan. Unfortunately, I was too much in my head tonight and I could not approach any girl by myself. It sucked so much being like that. I could never get momentum going and I felt like crap knowing that I’m making excuses approaching. I feel like I haven’t made any progress since Day 1 even though others say I have. The feeling of hopelessness creeped in me last night. I’m going to have to just keep pushing and hope everything works out.

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    Day 1
    First day of project rockstar and I started the day extremely nervous and anxious. I didn't know what to expect today except that tonight was the first night we were going out with zero things to work on. The goal is to just do what we usually do. With that in the back of my day all day I didn't get to enjoy the first half of us all bonding together at the shooting range. As soon as I stopped thinking about what I would say to girls and worried about the rejection I was about to face I stayed in the moment and had a lot of fun with the guys this afternoon. We all were bonding towards the end and everyone was just having fun. This group of guys I can't say enough we were all cheering each other on while shooting shit and the comradery I started to really feel. After being in the desert sun for hours we were all pretty drained and me and everyone else was getting anxious for the night on what we were going to say sober. Before we were supposed to go out the alumni held a Q and A. It surpassed all my expectations. The alumni flipped the switch on tonight and I am so excited to go out for the first night with all of the guys. Seriously they are surpassing my expectations on what they are providing us and gave a lot of life to this group. Im excited to see how tonight goes.

    Day 2
Last night was fun and I had some success with a girl. I ended up talking to this really cool girl and ended up making out with her but her friends stole her away at the end of the night and that was night. Today was the first day of seminars and we started with the simplified natural. All I can say is wow. I learned how much I have been living my life safely. IN every day life and when I talk to girls. I notice that I only talk to girls that I am not intimidated by but girls that are extremely attractive I am petrified to approach. We also talked about concuring and surrendering I definitely fall into the category of trying to concur everything in life which is something I definitely want to work on. Tonight our goal is to try and be dull until the girl walks away.

    Day 3
    Wow what a learning experience yesterday was. I was extremely nervous to get blown out but every set I went into I just didn't care and the girls wouldn't leave. They filled in the conversation some girls would not leave no matter the most random shit I brought up. I met a milf and she was gorgeous but intimidated me since I was never with an older women. One of the alumni told me she was into me and pushed me to bring her to the dance floor. I ended up making out with her but the vibe was weird and I got nervous so I said lets go find my friends. She I think took that as an insult and It kind of blew up in my face after that. Tonight we go to a huge club and see one of my favorite Dj’s I can't wait.

    Day 4
    Last night was a complete disaster. From the beginning the whole environment threw me off. I couldn't hear anything the club was way louder than the other clubs we went to earlier. I hated every second of it and thought that since the other nights were decent that it would follow. I just kept getting blown out no one would talk to me and I couldn't even get high fives from girls. I was mentally in my head and I think every girl could pick up on my energy and realize that I just wasn't having a fun time. On top of it I got kicked from the table from a miscommunication. I was at a low and just wanted to go home and cry honestly. Im so glad last night was over with. Today is a new day in the seminar the stuff we talked about I think will really help me tonight. I get to do a reset and honestly when we go out tonight I don't care what happens because I know last night I hit rock bottom.

    Day 5
    My night was a completely 180. When I entered the club I didn't care about the results, I didn't care what happened but all I know was I was having a ton of fun. Everything seemed to click. I was talking to this group of girls and really hit it off with the one girl. We ended up hooking up in the pool but I felt like I had to do more approaches to I left her and her friends. One of my mentors told me to go back to her and not worry about approaches and I'm really glad they did because she already all over another guy. When I got their one of her friends saw me waiting for my reaction, I laughed and said its Vegas who cares. So I just had fun with her friends after a minute her one friend grabbed her away from the guy and put her in my arms. The guys face was priceless and I felt bad that he had no idea what was going on. After hanging out for a while we went back to her room but her key wasn't working. She told me to fuck her in the vending machine room instead. God I love Vegas.

    Day 6
    The alumni are really helping me improve my game, its awesome to see them still helping out years later. We have really been focusing on the breathing exercises more and more I'm interested to see what it leads to. Im just trusting the process. I wish we were going out tonight but its going to be a long night with what we have planned apparently.

    Day 7
    Last night was rough, I don't think I remember the last time I cried that much. I don't want to get into specifics but it brought up some deep personal issues to the surface. Tonight is another off night but I think I'm going to push myself and go out tonight with some of the guys.

    Day 8
    Last night the club was absolutely dead but we made the most of it. When I arrived late to begin with the bouncer wouldn't let me in with my shoes which was questionable because other places let me in. Apparently this place was stricter, I had two options go home and come back which would leave me only a 1.5 hours to practice or just call it a night. I decided to run back home and change then come back to the club. Im glad I did even though I didn't get much approaches in because I would of felt like I missed out on something. I only get 9 weeks of this then I will never experience this again so I want the most out of it. Tonight our goal is to be bold.

    Day 9
    We are back into game mode and we all went out as a group again. All I can say is wow I have never seen so many beautiful people in one place at the same time. I realized a huge sticking point for me is that Im absolutely petrified of approaching really hot tall blondes. I couldn't bring myself to approaching some of the girls I really wanted too but had great success with a gorgeous girl who didn't speak much English. I just focused on my subcoms and did everything they taught us. It worked out well beyond my expectations. We hung out the whole night and she told me I was her prince. She wouldn't leave with me though which I didn't understand because I thought it was for sure a lock but the instructors explained to me that I killed all the tension by just making out all night. You cannot be on, on, on, on the whole time or it will ruin the tension. A good analogy to explain it is like a balloon. If you keep putting air in the balloon it will pop. You don't want the balloon to pop.

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    Day 10
    8-3-18
    Friday

    Went out last night. Was talking to a few girls and opened afew sets. Wasn’t able to keep one of them going very long. My conversation was waaaaaaay too dry. Fuck. Had the balls to open but not the skill to keep it going. Didn’t end badly, wasn’t a blow out, but disappointed I didn’t perform better cuz they were interested but then lost interest in my energy. Had a decent time last night. Had a good time actually for about 3hrs. that was surprising. Then I started getting tired unfortunately and just lost energy. I did talk to one girl that was pretty cool. We talked awhile and I enjoyed the convo. I fucked up cuz I didn’t get her number. Hopefully I’ll be able to track her down cuz another Rockstar said he got her friend’s Instagram account. So we’ll see. She was tall and hot and built like a brickhouse.

    Today we’re doing more interventions. This last one was a good one. I’m not looking forward to mine. We have 5-6 more 10 day bootcamp guys to do. It certainly seems to let out a lot of emotion. Hopefully mine will be helpful too.

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    Day 9, Thursday, 2nd August

    We spent some time doing the debriefs from the previous night. I was paired with Jasper. I found it really valuable because of how he broke down the important bits of each of our nights. I learnt as much from the debriefs for the other guys as I did for my own. I’d had a reasonably good night the previous night, the first time I felt like I really got into ‘state’ for a sustained period of time and because of that I had the most fun that I’ve had in a while, and got into some good interactions.

    I’d also followed the assignment and tried the sub-comms. It was pretty difficult for me - went against my every instinct. But this is arguably the most important element of ‘game’ and the thing that I’ve been missing all my life. So this is where I need to focus for the rest of my time on Rockstar. But after speaking with Jasper I felt like I had a ‘light grip’ on the concept, so this’ll just come down to practice, practice, practice.

    We continued the individual conversations with andrew and again each of the guys seemed to have a breakthrough too. It was pretty emotional but also exuberant. It felt good to see these guys totally let go.

    We then did an active meditative exercise that was unlike anything I’ve experienced before, and left all of us feeling somewhat exhausted.

    I was still in a ‘high’ from the previous night but I struggled to get into state for most of this one. Wound up doing the process multiple times just to try to bring myself back up. But I was only in that ideal mental state for short stretches of time and wasn’t able to completely let go.

    I’ll have to learn to deal with off nights. I also need to stop beating myself up. I never feel like I’m doing enough and that's messing with my head and making it harder to get into state.

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    PR Journal Day 9: 2-Aug-18 (Thurs)

    I woke up freaked out that it was already 12:15 and I had over-slept. Luckily, I quickly got my crap together and hit the gym to do a solid, albeit short, shoulders workout. Got back, showered, and off to seminar again (run run run, it just never stops).

    Today, after debrief, we continued with the interventions which pretty much took majority of the seminar time and we were not able to get through as many people as yesterday - but that’s ok, we needed to save some extra time for a special activity we did before going out... from now on the words “Active Meditation” will forever ring synonymous with pain, torture, and very sweaty people. However, having done the 10-day before, I knew what to expect and during the 3rd and 4th rounds, I can genuinely say that I truly was able to slip in and out of deep serenity all due to the pain and the realization that “pain is me, I am one with the pain”. If that doesn’t make sense, don’t worry, I’m not trying to (a lot of the stuff we write about doesn’t make sense until you have a chance to experience it yourself).

    Tonight’s in field was a continuation of the goals written about yesterday, but it was special in that our group of attendees got to pick between going to Encore Beach Club and going to Hakkasan. I chose the latter and honestly had a great time as I summarize below - 2nd SNL with a banker from my home country who I met earlier in the night and we reconnected at 3:30 am in the Lobby Bar where she met me after already being in bed... all I can say is that Bold Openers work exceptionally well and the rest of my frame had to be good enough to get me there. It did however take me way too long to get back from the Lobby to her room, as did nearly everything in between (I really need to work on hurrying it up), but also my exits are less than graceful, thus far both times were precipitated by external events (in this case her sister coming back to the room after she called her sister and threatened to cut the guy she was with if he didn’t behave - this girl was waaay too funny, love it!).


    Summary of the Night (Hakkisan)

    The Good:
    Again, the first 2 hours of the night, I seem to have been completely in state as before I knew it, Kaskade was on the stage at 1am! All of my interactions went well (especially the blow outs), and I definitely increased my level of boldness and sub-comms. All this culminated into my second SNL with a hottie at the MGM Grand.

    Needs Improvement:
    Although I increased my sub-comms and boldness, it was a “lucky night” - most girls were pretty receptive and I got very few blowouts. This tells me I’m still not pushing the boundaries enough and that was highlighted the most by how long it took me to take my SNL back to her room - we sat in the lobby for almost 90 minutes before I made the move to get her into her room - waaay too long!

    Work on next time:
    Another solid hour of bold approaches (it went well but it could obviously be bolder), continuing the bold flame more often, a solid hour of being more touchy (apparently I was well calibrated last night but that’s not the point right now), and most importantly, do it all faster than I think is possible.

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    Thursday Aug 2, 2018

    Lot’s of insights today. The debrief with the the instructors was great. Everything is moving pretty fast and I still need to work a lot on my subcomms, so I got some golden advice from one of the instructors about how he operates in the field. At the beginning he does a lot of normal and funny conversation and fishes for topics that will make the conversation “click”. The subcomms are still there but not so intense. He does it quickly - quick push-pull - then, after the click, he ramps up the subcomms. I’m gonna apply that tonight in Hakkasan!.
    We also just went through the dynamic meditation exercise and I felt so free. I was just in my body and it feels fucking great to be able to express my movements and my voice freely and without any judgement. I felt so alive. This is what is all about when we go out. I’m glad we had this experience to put things into perspective and remember how much I enjoy being in my body. One of my goals in the club tonight is to feel the same joy and aliveness while being in my body.

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    Friday Aug 3, 2018

    Last night I went into Hakkasan with the feeling of a good previous night and a great energy from the active meditation. I went ready to crush it and ready to raise the bar for myself. Very quickly my state spiraled down and I found myself having pretty bad night. Ups and downs, with mostly downs. I was in my head pretty much all night and the subcomms I wanted to practice didn’t flow at all. I even messed up interactions when girls approached me. WTF!. Even though I had a few good interactions, I ended up my night in a pretty bad mood and this morning I woke up feeling pretty shitty. I felt that I was now going backwards, and was beating myself down about it. During the debrief, the instructor gave me a couple of insights that really resonated with me: First, don’t get into the mindset/attitude of “I should be better than this” or “I should be doing better than this”. Second, my priority should be getting into state and making myself laugh. That’s how everything starts flowing. Then, once I’m in state, I need to have the agency to execute the exercises. It’s important for me to really master the skill of getting into state, so my priority for tonight is to work on that. I also noticed that one of the reasons I had a good night two nights ago was because I had let go of the agenda - my agenda of picking up chicks. And that agenda came back last night. It sneaked out on me without realizing and that’s the main reason I was in my head so much. Tonight I’m really gonna abandon the agenda, get into state and then see what happens. I’m gonna hit reset and go into XS as a new person.

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    Saturday Aug 4, 2018

    I just had the best night I’ve had in Rockstar so far. We got into XS and I was feeling good. Not giving a shit about picking up chicks. That mindset gives me so much relieve. Good vibe with the guys on the way in and as soon as we went in there, we just went at it with the sacred hour. The inertia wasn’t as bad as usual and I started approaching everything, even pretty big sets of girls, right from the beginning. My state ramped up pretty quickly and lasted pretty much all night. I had a fucking great night. It actually went by really quickly. Wow, I really got into flow tonight. The seminar today was about sexualization and sexual conversation and right from the beginning we started pushing the boundaries together with the guys. Some of the interactions were hilarious. I really managed to get into a mindset where sex is normal and make comments and jokes I’m usually not so comfortable with. We didn’t really get many bad reactions from the girls with the sexual banter. Most reactions were either good or neutral. Surprisingly, the better reactions I got happened early in the night. I also realized that I actually like sexual humor a lot. It got me going and helped me spiral my state up pretty quickly. Tonight I was feeling pretty calm so I naturally approached less energetically than I usually do, and I felt that went pretty well. Surprisingly, the energy comes up later in the interaction when the group vibe gets more energetic. I think I’m actually pretty good at spiking up the energy in the sets. I had lots of fun interactions tonight. I still need to work on my subcomms a lot though. I practiced eye contact today and I think it really makes a difference. I need to work on getting comfortable with proximity and touching. At the end, I came back to a group of three mexican chicks in a bachelorette party I had met earlier. We were cracking up for a really long time. I started flirting with one of them and she told me she had a boyfriend back home, but brought two of her single friends to introduce me. She told me that she really wanted me to hook up with one of her friends. They weren’t really my type, so I bantered a bit and left shortly after, but it was great to see how that girl handed me her friends and was actually cheering for me. Oh, and I also did my first direct approach. I stopped a hot tall blonde and told her she was gorgeous with strong eye contact. She just thanked me with a smile and kept going. I think my delivery was mostly friendly and not too sexual, but I feel great about it. I did things today that I had always had been to scared to do. Fucking great night! This program is really an emotional rollercoaster.

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    August 4th, 2018

    This morning it feels like a win. Last night the goal was to work on sexualization or introducing sex into the conversation with girls. I got the "light grip" on the topic that the instructors mentioned. Conversations with sexualization felt like a different track than the regular dry discussions that I have at the bar. Another realization was the agency I can have over a conversation and being okay with that. If I ended up in a normal conversation with a girl. I could recognize that and accept it for what it was. It didn't matter if the conversation went anywhere. They all helped my state.
    I did have a conversation where I could feel introducing sexualization ramped things up. And once I got into that mindstate, I was able to freestyle and change things up from some of the lines that were giving to us to try. Making that a 1000 out of 10.
    Yesterday confirmed for me that going to the dance floor didn't do much for me getting into state. And it actually a detriment. Way more effective to just go talk and have few quick interactions. For me, the "Sacred Hour" is the most critical part of this whole process. For me, it is the key to having fun and doing anything while out at the club.
    A change that is happening is how relaxed and comfortable I feel in the club. I am only getting a slight case of anxiety on the way out now. While in line I felt a bit of nervousness in the line. But after 30 minutes in the club, I am usually okay and in state. The next thing for me will be to make a conscious switch into gaming mode and begin to game chicks I find attractive. We have so much to try and digest. And I have to remember that last night was only the second night I had to work on going bold. But for me, I see that is the way forward. I am beginning to like clubs like Hakassan and Omnia where it is loud and going bold is the only way. Not having an out to fall into a polite conversation is a good thing.

  98. #98
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    Day 10 & Day 11 - Saturday August 3rd

    Activities & Group Highlight

    We did five interventions on both Thursday and Friday. The seminars on Thursday was boldness and on Friday was sexual conversation. We did debriefs for about 50 minutes in groups of 5 to 6 people between 4 to 5 different instructors on both days.

    The debriefs are helpful for everyone. Each person is different and are at different stages of their development. However, we are all pushing as hard as we can on our goals. The friday debrief had a mixed of people who had a good night vs. a so-so night. Some people are still having trouble get into state. Others were able to get into state but maybe are hitting boundaries they are working to push through. Everyone shared their stories and struggles. We all learned from that. Alex was our coach for the debrief and was able to provide us with solid feedback to take action on. For me, I have to focus on being BOLD.

    Progress with Being a Gift to Women

    Great Progress on Some Fundamentals


    Self Care & Home Prep - 10/10 - I am sexy motherfucker that happens to live in a nice ass huge mansion.
    Agency to Do - 10/10
    Process: “Inviting and Fun" State - 10/10 - Noticeable improvement in amount of time getting in state. Quickly bounce back when I get out of state by just being social and giving positive energy.
    Not giving a fuck - 10/10 - Seamlessly flowing from “Inviting State”
    Being Social & Give Positive Energy Level 1 - 10/10 - Seamlessly flowing from “Inviting State”
    Boldness, Approach Confidently & Often - 10/10 - Holding eye contact (regardless of distance), getting close (tension), touching, talking slowly and inserting pauses
    Direct opener - 10/10 - Used direct openers mostly during the last couple hours on Friday night.
    Conversational Oscillation Level 1 - 10/10 - Normal, Flirting, Depth and/or Sexual exist in every interaction that lasted at least 5 minutes.
    Masculinity Vibe (Slow, Solid and Aggressive) Level 1 - 10/10 - Being present. Being comfortable in my own skill regardless of walking solo or having fun with my brothers. Solid even when drunk guy walked into me and I pushed his ass out of my way.
    Subcomm Level 1 (Behind the Neck) - 10/10 - This has become second nature whenever I talk to a girl that results in longer interactions.
    Interactional Push & Pulled - 10/10 - Being more aware of this, I have been backing off during the interaction every so often and then coming back in with warm when it felt right.
    Sexual conversation - 10/10 - I find this easy. The key thing I focused on that the instructor said was, “If you treat it as a normal topic you talk about and don’t feel awkward, they will treat it normal and not feel awkward.” So that is what I did. Whenever I transition to sexual topic, I make sure I ground myself and feel normal or even fun bringing it up.
    Being a Great Wing Man - 10/10 - Whenever I say a guy talk to one or more girls, I am there to support him and take it as an opportunity to get better myself. His success is my success. His development is my development.


    Being Relentless in Boldly Doing and Learning Remaining Fundamentals

    Time management - Prioritizing
    1) Learning, reviewing notes, setting up learning aids and committing to pushing boundaries every day/ night out while in vegas
    2) Learning from instructors, alums and other Rockstars
    3) Meal prep + minor snacks to continue burning fat
    4) Target at 4 hours of rest
    5) Fitness for at least 4 out of 6 days
    6) Condense daily duties to 15 to 20 mins (journal, others.)

    Conversational Oscillation Level 2 - I am going to do better with flirting in terms of materials and more often. Developing “fun list”. Need to sprinkle in a bit of depth. Then anchored by normal and sexual.
    Being Social & Give Positive Energy Level 2 - I am going to talk to everyone, anyone and have fun throughout the night. Not just for the “Sacred Hour”.
    Boldness, Approach Confidently & Often - I am going to be more solid when stopping one or more girls and have the confidence to rely more on subcomms and trust.
    Direct opener - Align with being present in my masculine solid energy and work on delivery.
    Subcomm Expand - Push boundaries on all sides. Push for kisses.
    Shit eating grind - I am going to work on my facial expressions every day. Just being solid and holding a normal expression and subtly develop the grind. Nice guy smile out the window for good.
    Sexual conversation - Align conversation withe the natural flow of the conversation and oscillation and sub communication.
    Re-approach - Do more. Bring more positivity and gift the second, third or more time around.
    Being a Great Wing Man - Continue to work with others to develop chemistry.

    Inner & Masculinity Growth

    I feel so much more solid, bold and alive today than even the day before. I love all my brothers and am so excited to continue to grow with everyone. I am strong and focus on the positives and my vision even at points of the night when things don’t go as well. I stopped comparing myself to others and can consciously and objective let these selfish thoughts go. I am able to let go out my ego and surrender to the process and just approach when I see an opportunity. The split second muscle is kicking in.

    I guess the focus now is really: greater and greater trust in the process, doing everything to the full expand (taking action) each day and night and learning relentlessly from everyone. Everything else is out the window. Fuck ego. Fuck rejections. Fuck stagnation. Fuck safety. Fuck significant. Fuck anything my mind tells me that does not focus on trust, surrender and working my ass off on this program.

  99. #99
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    day 11
    8-4-18
    saturday

    we went to Encore XS last night. had some banter in line with some girls and with some other girls in the club. it was a decent night. not great. not terrible. did a little better the night before. lost the edge after awhile. i definitely do better when there are 2-3 guys with me. it's hard walking around by yourself. they said not to do that anyway cuz it looks sad. i think they're right. one thing i can say, the guys i am surrounded by are fucking awesome people. everyone. even though i feel like an outsider, it's not cuz of the guys i'm surrounded by. that's my own thing. the guys in the house have all been fantastic. i tried some of the sexual stuff last night. ie, 'have you gotten laid yet', etc. got some strange reactions but nothing too bad. no bad reactions.

    i'm looking forward to the fashion makeover. i think that could be really helpful. i also am setting up a haircut for next week at Fino for men. it's time for that. i didnt get a chance to get a last minute one before i left. i do think the way you look can help your self confidence. certainly dropping all that weight helped. and the hair and clothes and fashion can only add to all that. we'll see what today brings.

  100. #100
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    PR Journal Day 10: 3-Aug-18 (Friday)

    After last night, it is not surprising that I woke up super tired and super late (I got back to the house after 6am; it seems to be the new normal to see the Las Vegas sunrise almost daily). That said, me and 4 Rockstars still managed to get out to the gym for a 5th and final workout of the week: SF abs. I’m gonna give myself a pat on the back - it’s not easy to do what we have done over the last 10 days and still have been at the gym a total of 7 times.

    We also found a scale and despite increasing my nutrition up to 2500-2700 calories per day (yes, I am still tracking all of my food and daily weight using MyFitnessPal, it’s just a habit I have developed over the last 7 months that I feel really good about continuing), I have managed to lose another 1-2 lbs total mass, and almost surely also lost 2-3 lbs of fat and gained 1-2 lbs of muscle. It’s clearest to me when I see my pictures day over day - I did not like what I looked like tonight (although I still get many compliments and support from everyone) - it takes my body a few days to “grow into” the new weight, and the transition period, I feel, makes me look like a bit of a skeleton on my face. It’s ok, I know I’m pretty close to my new fitness/nutrition steady state (baseline) and my body will certainly settle to a new healthy middle ground sooner rather than later. Plus, it’s unbelievable how much cardio you do while being in the club for 4-6 hours a night lol!

    Today’s seminar again focused on the interventions and these are getting more amazing one by one - people are really getting a lot out of this and we’re seeing some amazing changes in-field with just guys who are having way more fun, being way more open, and having amazing interactions. However, this intensity is clearly scary and we realized today that mid- way through the day, that one of the 10-day students decided this was too much or too weird for him (his intervention was surely coming next) and he snuck out without telling anyone that he’s leaving. Not answering his phone (despite being in a business that requires the phone to always be on) and leaving this way (without telling anyone) is definitely a sign that there is some deeply buried shame and issues there, but we have to realize that not everyone is in a stage of their life where they accept the Trust and Surrender mentality.

    We also did a deep dive into sexualization and sexual conversation today. See below for my notes on implementation, but the guys really shared some amazing stuff and it was very funny to have girls say “wow, there is a lot of people asking me whether I already got laid” and have fun bantering with them: well yeah, there’s a scavenger hunt going on, you get 20 points for finding a girl that got laid within 4 hours of landing here, 10 points for less than 12 hours, 5 points for less than 24... so how long have you been here again... nice, let’s go make it 5 points! If it comes from a good place inside of you, the girls really also have a good time with it. Sex is not a big deal, so why not make a few jokes about it and just enjoy each other’s company!

    Tonight was the third time we went out where Marshmello was playing - XS (not nightswim, which was nice cause you didn’t have a bunch of wet hairy guys running around shirtless). Although I genuine like a bunch of Marshmello’s stuff, I have to say that being at a club where Marshmello is playing 3 times in 8 days is a little much - if I don’t see Marshmello again, I’ll be just fine.

    That said, his set was pretty amazing so I think this is just Sterling’s “50 burgers” analogy (in economics: the law of diminishing marginal returns) - no matter how much you love something, there is a point at which it is just “too much” and you no longer get the satisfaction you once did - all humans crave variety.

    The night was genuinely loads of fun; I spent most of the night with Axel and I have to say his state and his aura is fantastic; we definitely pumped each other’s (and many girls’) state so much. We genuinely thought our night wasn’t going that well because we didn’t “get anywhere” with so many of our sets, but the feedback we got from all the guys who saw us that night was one of “you guys are just killing it out there”. On reflection today, we finally saw what people are talking about but we don’t want to get our egos boosted so we are leaving lots of room for improvement tonight.

    *Summary of the night (XS)

    The Good:
    *The whole 3-4 hours of the night, I seem to have been completely in state - had a great wing (Axel) the entire night! All of my interactions went well (especially the blow outs), and I definitely increased my level of boldness and sub-comms, but more importantly introduced sexualization into every set (at least once per interaction, more often 2-3 times or more for longer sets, using callback as well) . All this culminated into 2-3 kiss/makeout closes, 3 Numbers, and 4 ig closes, but nothing beyond that.

    Needs Improvement:
    Although I increased my sub-comms and boldness and introduced sexualization into every interaction, it was, at least by my opinion, that I still wasn’t pushing boundaries hard enough and fast enough. Didn’t start going in for a kiss/makeout until end of the night.

    Work on next time:
    Go for the kiss/makeout within 30-90 seconds as part of the first solid hour of bold approaches after the first 5 (the process), more consistent push-pull in the bold frame, a solid hour of being more touchy, and most importantly, do it all faster than I think is possible.

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