Project Rockstar 2018 Daily Journals

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  1. #1
    Sterling's Avatar
    Sterling is offline Certified Love Systems Instructor

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    Project Rockstar 2018 Daily Journals

    Here they are!



  2. #2
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    Day 1, Wednesday 25th July

    Intense first day. Was super nervous as I was checking out of my hotel and getting a cab to head to the house. Once I actually got in my nerves calmed a little bit. The house is awesome and the two in house instructors seemed like cool, laid back guys. I had to wait for a while before the rest of the rockstars got there but it was really a huge relief that we seemed to get along easily once they did get in. I think the chemistry of the group as a whole is good and we’ll all be supporting each other.

    The day got started with introductions by everyone beginning with students followed by alumni and then the core instructors. The stories from the alumni about the fears and challenges they faced was eye opening. At least it made me feel like I wasn’t the only one feeling this way. Each of them and us shared a little snippet of our lives. Andrew’s opening speech was very reassuring. One thing he said that really resonated with me was that the problems and challenges that we were here to solve were widespread, but by their very nature they feel like the problems are unique to us, that our situation is somehow different.

    After the intros we had a break for a bit and then got back together for a debriefing on expectations and rules throughout the program. Finally we had to record our one on one videos with Justin followed by the Circle of Vulnerability. I was nervous about speaking and sharing very openly, but oddly I was looking forward to it since these are issues I haven’t been able to talk about openly with anyone. One of the other rockstars got us off to a good start with a very real talk and things just built up from there. I vented for what seemed like an eternity when it came to my turn. I even found it hard to make eye contact and felt I might break down crying. I shared stuff I had literally not shared with anyone! But speaking about what was really inside me brought some catharsis. I also have to admit that I was surprised by the stories of some of the other rockstars - their extremely cheerful demeanour outside the Circle was clearly masking some very deep wounds. I couldn’t help but feel a deep empathy and kinship with them. We’re all ‘damaged’ in our own unique way, we’re all facing our own inner demons and now we’ve all reached the point where we didn’t want to live that way anymore, which brought us to Rockstar.

    I have to admit there was just a bit of relief that we didn’t have to go out that first night, though we did end past midnight and had to sort out logistics for the next day. Went to sleep past 1 am. Tomorrow’s going to be fun!

  3. #3
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    Day 1, 7/25/2018

    Arrived in vegas today at 6am. Took the greyhound from LA to vegas overnight. I left LA at 12:30am on 7/25, the 1st day of the program.

    Every other Rock star showed up at least a day, if not 2, earlier. To get acclimated and settled in.

    Weeks ago, when i bought my bus ticket, it seemed like the GREATEST idea!

    5 hr overnight bus ride where i'll be able to sleep, arrive early, have breakfast. Maybe sight see a bit, and then meet up at 2pm.

    But, as with most things in life that require a little more special attention care, this did NOT turn out the way i'd imagined.

    First off, i brought two, TWO, large suitcases. It was recommended that we bring only 1 large one. But i have SO many leftover supplements, in addition to a lot of in-house workout and mobility equipment, that i decided to bring all of that along with my recommended supplies.

    I thought "hey, i'm not taking a plane over here. I'm taking a bus. It's super cheap, i can bring a lot more things at such a low price, and if i don't finish any of these supplements, then i can just leave them here for the next group."

    All good and dandy, until you (or I, in this case) realize that i have to lug around ALL of that in 110+degree weather!

    And, with no place to go from about 6am to 10am, while sleep deprived? Well, let's just say I could have done this a lot better.

    You live and you learn, I suppose.

    Best part of the night? The final group session, "The circle of trust".

    Apparently we're going to have 3 of these meetings throughout the program. Really deep stuff shared at this meeting.

    I've been carrying a lot pain from a recent break up and I have just not had an outlet to express these horrible feelings.

    Last night was a start. I've still got a LONG way to go to heal, but last night was a great way begin.

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    I woke up this morning, and it is day one of this journey. The fact that I will not be going into the office today still hasn't set in. Yesterday was surreal as I woke up at 2 am to start packing and get my place ready before I leave. With all the "going" I have been doing. I haven't had the time to stop and reflect. I am pretty calm about what is going to happen. Maybe it is because I don't have much idea what the next few days will hold. So I will work to keep an open mind. To remember the basic principles I want to embody throughout.

    - Be Open to Learn
    - Seek to stay in the uncomfortable

    Before leaving I had to have one final check in with my Supervisor. He pretty much mentioned I would have to go on a performance improvement plan when I get back. He, as usual, was trying to help. But I couldn't help but get upset as this being the final thing discussed as we walk out the door. At this point, I will admit I don't know what the future will hold after Rockstar. The option seems to be to forge ahead at my current job either on this team or to find a better fit for me someplace else within the company. Those are two choices that is the same choice if you take a step back. I realize that I can do better but do I want to. Is this a path, I want to commit to for the rest of my life. I know deep down that I am not fully engaged. I have always been one foot in the door. When I started my job, I essentially told myself that this was for only five years. Five has turned to ten, and now I am at a crossroads.
    The other path for me is to embrace Rockstar fully. To strike out in another way. Choosing to do this program says something. You don't do a lifestyle transformation to go back to where you were. After finishing the fitness journey. I realize that I am not a lazy person. I can follow a path and take the correct action. Let's make sure that "action" is what we consider going forward.

    Meeting the guys was a neat experience. This is going to be fun! I was greeted at the reception by three of the other Rockstars. Hugs ensued. We are a hugging group. Then we ended up going to Ceasars to meet and chat with Yet another Rockstar. A sixth Rockstar finally came over then when a seventh and eighth got in we went to Cabo Wabo for dinner. Not the greatest food. But I was starving from not having eaten.

    Let's see what else is to come today. Stay in this space.

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    July 25th, 2018

    Today was a hectic day. I was in the crew that had to pick up cars and what should have been easy turned into an adventure. I reserved the cars but when we showed up the place didn't have any vehicles. In the end, this caused us to be a little late to our afternoon activity which was shooting guns. I've enjoyed being a "Driver" and getting the car. This is my way to contribute to the group in some way. An internal fear that I held when applying to Rockstar was that I didn't have anything to give. But I am slowly starting to see that just being me is enough.
    Yesterday the alumni, came back to welcome us on the first day. That is really profound. I already want to give back, and I am just starting the program. I will openly admit it was a bit intimidating meeting the alumni. These are guys who have been through what you are about to go through. In a way, they are idols for us. Today, it was better. There was a Q&A session with the alumni. It really helped ease my fears. Getting their insight I feel like it is going to be okay.
    My internal fear at the moment is that in some way this won't work for me. Not that this doesn't work. The proof is in front of us that it does, but that I won't be able to break free of my ego. In my logical mind, I want to go hard. I want to give this my all. But deep down in my gut, I can feel something holding me back. My real challenge will be overcoming that gut feeling.

    Tonight is the first night. The first night with the boys. Let's make this shit the best.

  6. #6
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    Thursday July 26, 2018

    Yesterday we started Project Rockstar. It was pretty crazy to arrive at this mansion and see everyone in the kitchen excited and getting to know each other. Finally seeing and hearing how everyone looked like face-to-face. The group dynamic was a bit loud and scattered as we were trying to make sense of this first meeting, but soon we got together in the “Poker Room” for the initiation and introductions with the instructors and some PR alumni. I hope I’m not wrong, but I could already feel this will be a tight group and that we’ll support each other throughout the summer.

    We finished the night with the vulnerability circle and we started sharing some really deep stuff. It was a bit different from the dynamic in the 10-day, where people took longer and mainly shared childhood problems rooted in experiences with their parents. Here people’s stories were rather short and more focus towards sharing current problems related to the relationships with themselves and what they’re going through right now. For me this was actually nice as during the 10-day my experienced was mainly revolving about uncovering unresolved parent issues and now I feel that area is healed and I’m ready to focus on my problems of the self, on healing my-self. I have been working on since the beginning of this year and the tone that was set last night by the group fits great. We’re here to work through those problems together.

    Today we went to the middle of nowhere in the desert to fire guns. I’d never done it before and it was fucking awesome. Now, after having an awesome chat with the alumni, we’re getting ready to go to a pool party at the encore. We’re going freestyle. No previous formal instruction or goals. Despite my previous feeling of serenity, I can’t help but feeling anxious right now. I’m gonna meditate for 20 mins to calm down. My goal tonight is to have fun and practice outcome independence. Two concepts that were important during the 10-day and that were repeated by the alumni today as advice and golden nuggets. The few times that I have managed to put those two attitudes in practice, good things have happened, so I’ll start with that tonight!

  7. #7
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    Day 0 & 1 - Wed July 25/ Thurs July 26th

    Making this entry first thing Thursday morning around 8 AM while doing a quick jog/ walk. I just didn’t feel like staying in bed and dicking around for another hour or two. And since the gym is not set up yet, I decided to at least do a light jog around the block or two at the house just to boost up my energy a little bit.

    Yeah I thought I start my journaling now and hopefully keep it going by doing them early and consistently either first thing in the morning or first thing before going to bed. I know during the 12 weeks fitness program, I definitely did not journal every day and some of my journals would just a massive last minute dump.

    So yeah I’m overwhelmed with excitement internally and gratefulness. I I guess I’m ready to be surprised with where this program will take us.

    So everybody landed in Vegas either on Tuesday or Wednesday. Everyone we meet a new Rockstar it has been a great moment. A little bit surreal where here is someone that you only know through online videos and blogs. They have just been on a 12 week journey with us and told us about their daily lives and shared with us their struggles: the good and the bad through each of the past 12 weeks. Then you finally get to meet them in person and you feel like you are meeting an old friend that you haven’t seen for a while. More importantly, although you haven’t seen him for a long time, he had stayed in touch and your bond has only grown stronger because they have opened up more and more over time. They have shared many intimate thoughts and feelings with you that has been having similar struggle in fitness. I am just amazing and excited for everyone’s fitness results. This fucking blows my mind. Each person completed the 12 week program and they did it their way. I thought it was really cool to learn from everyone’s perspective and listen to what they learned on along the way.

    So for me, I cherished each moment that we met a new Rockstar. Talk about first impressions. Normally people go right into judgment and kind of try to measure how the other person is with half baked assumptions and guesses. However I think it was nice how project rockstar set set up some of these communications this year where everybody got to know one another through videos and blogs for the 12 weeks. So even if you don’t get to know someone super well, you at least kind of get to feel the other person’s vibe and personality. You slowly develop a sense that we are all similar, dealing with challenges and no one has a perfect life. Basically, I think this allowed all the Rockstars, at least for me, to ignore any false assumptions a person would typically make when they first meet someone and simply focus on the real person that came across from all those videos and blogs.

    So I guess the other moment that I was very excited for and did not disappoint was when everybody showed up at the house. All the Rockstars, alums and instructors was gathering in the kitchen of the mansion and the energy was just crazy crazy crazy!!!! I couldn’t help and just soaked in the energy. I had to take some quick videos to capture this amazing moment. It was amazing to embrace that vibe. It was like HOLY SHIT. There are 30 guys here that are either committed to growing or committed to giving. Just so much positive energy!!! And frankly I am super curious to know what’s it’s like to be on the other side. To be an alum and seeing new guys that was in the very same “life stage/place” that you were exactly 1 year ago.

    Lastly we took care of some logistics last night in terms of chores, responsible and rules. It was a fun moment when everybody scrambled to pick their room. It was like the NFL draft on steroids. Not all room are created equal. It was just a hilarious moment of the day.

    Then a couple other Rockstars and I were able to record our pre-rock star videos and basically just focused on answering a couple questions. Basically it focused on you sharing your background and stating clearly what you expect out of the program. I honestly was not prepared but just wanted to get it done before the next day. I did my best to answer honestly and said what was on my mind. I guess for me. I know I haven’t been living my full potential. . I want to continue and accelerate the growth that I have been experiencing for the past two years. I want to follow the program as best as I can and work really hard just some of the previous Rockstars see where that takes me. I want to work towards being a highly capable person that can have success in many areas of my life that matters to me. While getting better with women is an awesome awesome skill to acquire, I really want to get to a point where I have solid confidence to keep striving for my full potential and be a highly capable person

    And then lastly, last night we started the first container. The first of many meaningful discussions involved. It is basically to help speed up the bonding of the group as well as shred the isolation we all felt coming into Rockstar. No matter what point in life we are at. I like what Andrew said. When you make a friend or meet someone new, it takes some time to build that relationship and maybe, just maybe, after you know that person well enough (or you feel like you know them well enough) for several weeks or longer. Maybe you tell them something very meaningful to you that is very scary to share with anyone else. That is kind of how you start bonding. Not just through similar interest but through similar life struggles. Basically we do not get a lot of this openness and authenticity in society anymore. Everyone puts up their face that “I am perfect, happy and have everything.” when in fact we are all just human beings living our lives the best we can with imperfect skill sets facing numerous challenges and sometimes even insurmountable ones.

    OK, I kinda just recorded this on this little mini run in the morning. I just wanted to start off this habit on a good note. I did most of this through voice dictation and cleaned it up afterwards so maybe this is a solution going forward.

    So I still haven’t gone through a panic moment/ surreal moment yet now that I am finally here. I am free. I feel free as you guys know based on what I’ve posted one the blog over the past 12 weeks. I have take care of my obligations at home. I did my best to leave many of my mental anchors and baggages there as well. I am looking forward to going forward to spending my time with my “Brother in the Trenches”. To share in their great moments as well as struggles. To our different and unique perspectives on all the things we learn. To just share and enjoy these moments, because once they are gone we will never get to experience them again. However, hopefully all theses experiences over the next 9 weeks will help establish an unbreakable bond between each us and allow us to be prepare for many many more unforgettable moments in the many years to come.

    Thurs Afternoon
    We went shooting guns today. It was really fun!!

    I loved how everyone took awesome pictures of each other being badasses!!

    Signing out for now.

    J

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    Well today was great, which was the gun day and the alumni. Yesteryda, which was the first day was also great.

    Let’s start with the first day. I really like how it started. We all intro’d ourselves, which was awesome to hear more specific things about each Rockstar. Then to hear from the alumni, instructors and then Alex & Andrew was great. I really enjoyed what Alex said about the circle of evolution. That was a great metaphor.

    This first part got me really excited about the whole program.

    Then in the evening we did this sacred truth circle thing and that was kinda cool. Everyone opened up about their stuff. I love the concept behind this, that we are going shortcut to deeper connections – brilliant idea.

    Then today I loved the gun range thing. I’ve never shot a rifle or a shotgun before and it was great to blast that pistol.

    A really good highlight was the alumni session. Where it was a Q&A. fuck that was good. I love Q&As hahaha cause I fkn love questions. they gave some good answers too and great insights into the future. It made me even more excited about it all, regardless of all the pain. Because I am working on removing myself from caring about the pain of the process, and like Alex said, embrace the fear that comes, because that leads to courage and courage leads to growth. I know it’s easy for me to say now when I haven’t even been out yet, so I am very interested to see how my excitement changes in the next week.

    Now im going to get ready to go out for the first night! Can’t wait to see what happens with the group and myself. I feel like im going to open a lot and have a really good night, but who knows! Let’s see!!!

  9. #9
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    day 1

    Day 1
    Thursday
    7-26-2018

    24hrs in and giving my first blog. when i first arrived i wanted to leave. cant deny that. it's hard for me to be here at a place with a bunch of dudes socializing which isnt my strong point. example: 4mos ago i was at a wedding of a friend. and what did i do? i arrived super late, probably on purpose. then i left super early. what a surprise. got in late, left early. sounds typical. i was having awful social anxiety. that's how i felt the first night. i wanted to leave. i wanted to take a cab back to the airport, fly back to my home state, and go back to my house, sit on the couch, and turn on the tv. that's my safe place. i wanted so badly to be back there. pretty stupid when that's exactly what i'm trying to change about myself. i'm doing Rockstar to get AWAY from that! so i'm still here 24hrs later. today was good, even fun at times. talked with the guys while we went to pick up cars. getting to know everyone better. that obviously helps a lot. i'm starting to feel a little more like i should be here and be fitting in. it's not easy. pretty hard for me actually. but i'm still here and we'll take it one day at a time and see how things go.

    our mentor is coming to the pool party tonight and that should be pretty awesome. it will be nice to see a "familiar face". even tho i've never met him. it feels like i've got an older brother there and i'm looking forward to that a lot. most importantly, everyone i've met so far has been really cool. i really like everyone a lot. i'm not going to name any names, we'll keep it all anonymous. but i've been very happy with everyone i've met so far, including our house mentors and our instructors. everyone has been awesome. that definitely makes me feel more comfortable.

    ok, i'm going to end this for now. getting ready to head out. nervous about tonight but we'll see how things go. baby steps. out..
    Last edited by Elje M; 07-26-2018 at 09:20 PM. Reason: add date

  10. #10
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    Friday morning!!! We survived the first night in VEGAS!!!!

    We left Surrender at around 3:20 or so. At that point, I felt I had done my best and achieve my process goals of the night. The first 15 to 20 minutes were kind of a slow start and than a couple of Rockstars and I would just decide to approach and the rest was history. We made at least 20 approaches and there was only 1 “hard rejection” which I was not phased by but must learn to respond better in the moment. I did get a phone number from a pretty friendly and drunk girl that I talked to early on in the night and my mistake was I probably should’ve pushed further with that interaction. All in all, the GOOD:

    * I embraced, felt and absorb the great vibe from the venue and environment
    * I enjoyed the company of my brothers and helped cultivate a fun energy
    * I approached as many girls as I could when I saw an opportunity to engage

    I sense my energy getting low and wanted to make sure I set a good base for the next night and future night when I and (we) all push ourselves. Once I was out of the car and sitting on the uber home, I felt my energy was drained and barely spoke. I know that if things were going down, I could summon the energy to push through and go all night. I also know that when I think or expect that things are tapering off and I will allow the low energy to take its toll. I guess being cognizant of this will allow me to regulate and reserve my energy efficiently throughout the day/ night. It is also an important realization because I am sure in the past I would use the excuse of “I am tired” and not push as hard. I guess one of my process goals is to close the place down with my brothers!! Ideally there would still be a great numbers of girls around to talk to and connect with. Either way, this is my mindset and goal.

    I think I got about 5 hours of sleep or so. I woke up several times and than just decided to get my ass up at 9am. I feel awake and refresh. I truly hope that I can push all night and be able to be effective throughout the day.

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